Yeah, I've seen better days...

I posted three times last Sunday...

I have finally decided to update my template a bit to show you, the public, what I, the Shaye, have been reading. If theres anyone on there who doesn't want to be, tell me and I will take you off with very little fight.

Today, my mood was... yeah. I have been significantly better, but i've also been so much worse. I had urges to do things I long ago decided never to do again, but fought them off by writing, and staring into space, and a little bit of devine intervention (aka the phone rang and it was evness) The phone always seems to ring at my lowest points and its usually a voice I want to hear on the other line. Kinda strange. I spent today, plain and simply, in a rather unpleasant state of depression. Upon mentioning this to Chad, he seemed almost irritated with me for feeling the way I did, which wether he did or not, I don't think he had any just reason to feel that way. Quite simply, I am fresh out of hope. I've got just enough faith to get me through but no hope left to really get me out of it. It all started when I carted my moms plants out to my dads car so he could go back to San Antonio. I was overwhelmed by unbearable hopelessness. You see, my family is moving there, which I promised myself I would never ever do, not just because I don't want to, but because I just can't. I've tried to see it any other way, but I know that nothing will change. and now I'm out of options. I can't seem to get a job, I don't have a car, there are no affordable apartments in the area, I don't think Chads parents are too fond on me living there... I'm out of options. My mom got angry with me today for not wanting to go. She told me she wouldn't force anything on me, but without knowing it, she is... And I'm lost, feeling pretty alone. so my only real option is to go, and move out if the fighting and breaking of things and abuse of innumarable forms still continues, like I know it will. Every other plan has fallen through, which I don't understand. Why am I constantly given just enough of a break, just barely enough to make me think that maybe there is hope yet, only to have it taken away again. Chad thinks its all part of a plan, that its building me up for something great and thats true, as I have recently learned, but again as i have said, my problem is that I don't like the plan. I can't seem to just let it be and I feel like I'm breaking down far more than growing up. I'm so angry inside. Angry at my dad for handling his problems like he does, angry at my mon for handling my dad the way she does, angry at my friends for not understanding, angry at the world for having hope, angry at everett for being so freaking amazing, angry at god for, well, being god... but none of this is really justified, so i have pretty much pushed it aside in the "ignore this and it will turn to dust" pile. I'm not really mad at anyone for any one reason. I'm just angry. I've lost a lot of the feelings that keep me going (hope, trust, courage, you name it)

I'm afraid that my relationship will suffer, if not come crashing down around me. And I'm scared that I'm going to hurt him. I know he will atleast try, but I saw what the last long distance relationship did to him. He didn't have to say a thing and I knew that it was killing him. I don't want to be the one that kills him. I don't want to be the reason behind all the hurt in someones life. He deserves so much more than that... so much more than I can possibly give him. Please don't give me that you're-too-young-to-know-anything crap. Those are the people whom I think are too old to remember anything. I know what I have, and I know i don't want to lose it or destroy it. I know that I want what will make him happy, but I also know that I'm selfish and want to get my way at any cost. I know thats wrong, and I know I've said before that I would try to be brave, even if it means facing an outcome I don't want, and I know that its hard to be brave when you feel two inches tall (no pun intended...)

What I don't know is how all of this will turn out in the end, but I wish I did.
I know that no matter how much crap gets tossed my way, I can deal with it.
I know that I don't want to deal with it, but I wish I did.
I know that the spaces in between the letters right now look like a bunny, an elephant, a y, a snake wearing a large boot, a heart, pacman, and an x.
I know that makes me sound completely insane.
I know that its one in the morning and I ought to be sleeping, but I'm not.
I know that at the end of the day, dispite my paranoias and fears, it was still an okay day because I believe the things he said to me, even if I do worry about what will happen.
I know I just had a major de-ja-vou, and I know I spelled that wrong.
I know that i'm tired, and I'm goint to leave this entry very, very unfinished now.

Yesterday Chad and I ventured off to Walgreens to find him a new toothbrush and razor. I contemplated getting a hairbrush, but finally decided to leave the brushing of my hair to someone who cared. At any rate, while standing at the check out line, I see this little girl, not likely a day past three or maybe four, curly blond hair, calling for her dad. She kept staring at the guy in front of us, so I thought maybe that was it, well she continued to search around for him, getting more scared and flustered by the moment. I'm watching this little girl, and all the while, people are walking past her, just staring at her or smiling, not doing anything to help her. I couldn't believe where we have come to, when nobody will help a lost little girl who's a dive away from the exit door on a walgreens on the main road. so i started talking to her, telling her I would help her find her parents, trying to keep her in the same general area, and away from the exit door, so her dad could find her. He came around the corner shortly after, and I realized at that time why nobody ever helps lost kids. While the guy thanked me, he also shot me a pretty dirty look. People don't help people b/c they don't want to be blamed for attempted child abduction. I hadn't thought of that when I went to help her. I didn't think it could be a factor. Of course, I don't think I would want some strange kid talking to my little girl if i didn't know where she was either... It really is a sick world we live in. Not only because you can't even help kids anymore, but because you can't help them BECAUSE its a sick world.

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems... no one will appear here and make me real

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
You don't care that it haunts me

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile but I'm too weak
I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much you...


To make it even more obvious about how i feel, this song is about 7 minutes long because at the end it plays the music rewinding itself. You get three chances to guess how thats significant to me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At any rate, I went to a Salvidor Dali art exhibit yesterday and I must say that I enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, I couldn't give surrealism the full attention needed so I don't blow up because I was having some pretty paranoid thoughts flowing through my head. This is no surprize. I need to learn to just chill out sometimes about the way I think about things. Rather, the way I worry about things. An ad came on the radio saturday about the dangers of worrying and i almost wet myself laughing at it. It wasn't even a funny ad, I was just in hysterics.

Still on the job hunt and getting less and less of anywhere by the day, and you know what that means.... oh, well maybe you don't. In which case, read said lyrics, and figure it out.

So, I have no lesson to teach any of you today. I'm hungry, and this journal is going nowhere as usual. So i shall return later, to fill your mind with goo.

I haven't had a song lyric on here in some time, have I?

so I'm wondering if its possible for a pre-adolescent, pre-pubescent kid to have hormonal mood swings? I think it might be in my brothers case.

I absolutely LOVE Edward Scissorhands. That movie is absolutely beautiful... I watched it three times yesterday. Once with Chad, then again later that night, then for a third time in Frence with Spanish subtitles. Strangely enough... I can't speak very much frence, and I can't read a lot of spanish, but I understood the whole movie. THat just goes to show how often I watch and how closely I pay attention,.,.,. or how insane I really am. I still can't think of a song to put on here. No real lyrical inspiration at the moment, but I'll think of something yet. I probably shouldn't be wasting your time on here, seeing as how I really don't have anything to type about, but now you know that while I was typing this I was still alive, unless I"m a zombie. MMM zombie...

Riddles in the dark

I can't remember where I heard that phrase from... I want to say Lord of the Rings...

I've got something on my mind right now. Are there some people in the world who just never change? And if there are, how do you change them anyway. Is there anything you can say or do to make them understand? If a situation won't change no matter what you do, if the pattern proves to be consistant, is it still worth it to try just once more? Is it still worth it to believe that maybe, just maybe, something might be different... next time?

Full List: AFI's Top 100 Songs from U.S. Movies

1. "Over the Rainbow," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939
2. "As Time Goes by," "Casablanca," 1942
3. "Singin' in the Rain," "Singin' in the Rain," 1952
4. "Moon River," "Breakfast at Tiffany's," 1961
5. "White Christmas," "Holiday Inn," 1942
6. "Mrs. Robinson," "The Graduate," 1967
7. "When You Wish Upon a Star," "Pinocchio," 1940
8. "The Way We Were," "The Way We Were," 1973
9. "Stayin' Alive," "Saturday Night Fever," 1977
10. "The Sound of Music," "The Sound of Music," 1965
11. "The Man That Got Away," "A Star Is Born," 1954
12. "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes," 1953
13. "People," "Funny Girl," 1968
14. "My Heart Will Go On," "Titanic," 1997
15. "Cheek to Cheek," "Top Hat," 1935
16. "Evergreen (Love Theme From 'A Star Is Born')," "A Star Is Born," 1976
17. "I Could Have Danced All Night," "My Fair Lady," 1964
18. "Cabaret," "Cabaret," 1972
19. "Some Day My Prince Will Come," "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," 1937
20. "Somewhere," "West Side Story," 1961
21. "Jailhouse Rock," "Jailhouse Rock," 1957
22. "Everybody's Talkin'," "Midnight Cowboy, 1969
23. "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head," "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," 1969
24. "Ol' Man River," "Show Boat," 1936
25. "High Noon (Do Not Forsake Me, Oh My Darlin')," "High Noon," 1952
26. "The Trolley Song," "Meet Me in St. Louis," 1944
27. "Unchained Melody," "Ghost," 1990
28. "Some Enchanted Evening," "South Pacific," 1958
29. "Born to Be Wild," "Easy Rider," 1969
30. "Stormy Weather," "Stormy Weather," 1943
31. "Theme From 'New York, New York,"' "New York, New York," 1977
32. "I Got Rhythm," "An American in Paris," 1951
33. "Aquarius, "Hair," 1979
34. "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off," "Shall We Dance," 1937
35. "America," "West Side Story," 1961
36. "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," "Mary Poppins," 1964
37. "Swinging on a Star," "Going My Way," 1944
38. "Theme From 'Shaft,"' "Shaft," 1971
39. "Days of Wine and Roses," "Days of Wine and Roses," 1963
40. "Fight the Power," "Do the Right Thing," 1989
41. "New York, New York," "On the Town," 1949
42. "Luck Be a Lady," "Guys and Dolls," 1955
43. "The Way You Look Tonight," "The Swing Time," 1936
44. "Wind Beneath My Wings," "Beaches," 1988
45. "That's Entertainment," "The Band Wagon," 1953
46. "Don't Rain on My Parade," "Funny Girl," 1968
47. "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah," "Song of the South," 1947
48. "Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera)," "The Man Who Knew Too Much," 1956
49. "Make 'Em Laugh," "Singin' in the Rain," 1952
50. "Rock Around the Clock," "Blackboard Jungle," 1955
51. "Fame," "Fame," 1980
52. "Summertime," "Porgy and Bess," 1959
53. "Goldfinger," "Goldfinger," 1964
54. "Shall We Dance," "The King and I," 1956
55. "Flashdance ... What a Feeling," "Flashdance," 1983
56. "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," "Gigi," 1958
57. "The Windmills of Your Mind," "The Thomas Crown Affair," 1968
58. "Gonna Fly Now," "Rocky," 1976
59. "Tonight," "West Side Story," 1961
60. "It Had to Be You," "When Harry Met Sally ...," 1989
61. "Get Happy," "Summer Stock," 1950
62. "Beauty and the Beast," "Beauty and the Beast," 1991
63. "Thanks for the Memory," "The Big Broadcast of 1938," 1938
64. "My Favorite Things," "The Sound of Music," 1965
65. "I Will Always Love You," "The Bodyguard," 1992
66. "Suicide Is Painless," "M-A-S-H," 1970
67. "Nobody Does It Better," "The Spy Who Loved Me," 1977
68. "Streets of Philadelphia," "Philadelphia," 1993
69. "On the Good Ship Lollipop," "Bright Eyes," 1934
70. "Summer Nights," "Grease," 1978
71. "The Yankee Doodle Boy," "Yankee Doodle Dandy," 1942
72. "Good Morning," "Singin' in the Rain," 1952
73. "Isn't It Romantic?" "Love Me Tonight," 1932
74. "Rainbow Connection," "The Muppet Movie," 1979
75. "Up Where We Belong," "An Officer and a Gentleman," 1982
76. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," "Meet Me in St. Louis," 1944
77. "The Shadow of Your Smile," "The Sandpiper," 1965
78. "9 to 5," "9 to 5," 1980
79. "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)," "Arthur," 1981
80. "Springtime for Hitler," "The Producers," 1968
81. "I'm Easy," "Nashville," 1975
82. "Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939
83. "The Rose," "The Rose," 1979
84. "Put the Blame on Mame," "Gilda," 1946
85. "Come What May," "Moulin Rouge!" 2001
86. "(I've Had) the Time of My Life," "Dirty Dancing," 1987
87. "Buttons and Bows," "The Paleface," 1948
88. "Do Re Mi," "The Sound of Music," 1965
89. "Puttin' on the Ritz," "Young Frankenstein," 1974
90. "Seems Like Old Times," "Annie Hall," 1977
91. "Let the River Run," "Working Girl," 1988
92. "Long Ago and Far Away," "Cover Girl," 1944
93. "Lose Yourself," "8 Mile," 2002
94. "Ain't Too Proud to Beg," "The Big Chill," 1983
95. "(We're Off on the) Road to Morocco," "Road to Morocco," 1942
96. "Footloose," "Footloose," 1984
97. "42nd Street," "42nd Street," 1933
98. "All That Jazz," "Chicago," 2002
99. "Hakuna Matata," "The Lion King," 1994
100. "Old Time Rock and Roll," "Risky Business," 1983


For you crazy younguns, AFI stands for American Film Institute.

On a more personal note, I am shocked and even a little appaled that Cabaret only got one song on here and Fiddler on the Roof didn't manage to get any! Am I right, guys? Cabaret!!! FIDDLER ON THE ROOF!!!!!! Yet, On the Good Ship Lollipop is in the top 70. What am I going to do with those guys?

The only one who can answer your needs is someone who has no needs at all.

Today, for the first time ever, I attended the college bible study, and I must say, I was a little overwhelmed. I felt a little bit lost, there were so many people there. Thirty minimum. Breaking up into small prayer groups went alright for me, but I will have to try this a few more times to see if its really where I want to be. I don't know what it is, but I'm having trouble finding my place amongst all those faces. I know that its God i'm striving to learn more about, rather than how i fit in to the puzzle that is the college herd, but that doesn't make me want a place any less.

I've been watching a few of the people around me really struggle to find God recently, and I know how hard a place that is to be. I wish there were more that I could do for them, but its ultimately not up to me.

There are others that I have been watching grow like crazy, and it just makes me smile.

I watched the rest of the Crow movies today. The third one really is pretty pooey. It doesn't follow the original plot at all, and that irritates me. The second one was okay, but it started to get a little sloppy. All in all the first one was by far the best. It really got to me the most.

I'm still contemplating about Warped Tour. I'd like to go, but thus far haven't really firmly decided about anything just yet.

I've got my fingers crossed about a job I applied for today. Not only do I really need it, but it might not be all that bad of a job, with a few minor exceptions, but welcome to life.

The story of my life continues to frustrate itself, and I don't know whats going to happen next. I'm not sure what I should do again. I never was much good at making decisions...

Its also pretty late, so I'm going to pretend to sleep now, and actually play the sims for the better end of an hour. Until we meet again,.,.,., *bows ever so politely*

They're all dead. They just don't know it yet.

I watched the crow last night with Chad and Lara, and I have concluded that if I had nothing but a lifetime of beautiful memories of faces I could never touch again and a mind full of the images of seeing them die in ways nobody should ever be put through... screw avenging. I would rather die than live my life like that. I coudln't handle it, being left with all those amazing memories and then having them countered by watching the person I love more than anything in the world be raped and murdered and I have to stand back and theres nothing I could do about it. I would rather be dead. That movie damn near put me in tears... Lots of things do that to me. I really do cry at the drop of a hat. Its just a different type of crying i suppose. I don't exactly cry. All those tears get stuck in my eyes so its like crying but not.

I was in no mood to wake up this morning. Every time I shut my eyes, I had a new dream, but I don't remember a single one. Fun times.

I'm trying to give the college group a chance, but every so often, as is in my nature, I don't exactly feel like people want me there perse. I believe, I hope, that its just me being paranoid.

I just realized i have no lists about myself on here. I think I have maybe 4 on bolt. I'll have to fixt that pretty soon. But for now, I bid you good day.

What could be better than waking up to a song written about Saskatchewan? Probably a few things, but that was good. I'm also enjoying lounging around the house in my boxers watching the impending storm sneak up on us. I hope it rains. I love the rain. My psychology teacher told me once it wasn't normal, how much I love the rain. I don't think she'd make a great counselor of any sort, considering she told me i was not normal more than once in the two weeks she was in class (maternity leave). But thats okay. I'm not normal. There is so much about me that is not of this world, and i'm okay with that. I have to finish this application. I don't understand why they aks for grammar school... What does that have to do with anything? Meh, so be it. I think i'm going to look into some of that reading i keep meaning to do. I"ve gotten out of the habit of reading, and thats not good. I used to read all the time. Always had a book in my hand. Those were the days. I was defanantly a flashlight under the covers kind of kid. Hmmm... I'ma do the dishes now.

Fear not, simply more religous frustration on my part.

I went through a period of wanting to run out of the room screaming at the top of my lungs on Sunday night. I feel so little and insignificant in that room. There are just so many smart people who really understand all of this. I often feel pretty childish. But considering I'm probably the youngest person in the room, should this surprize me. Thats not to say I didn't learn something, not only about God, but a little about myself too. It starts now....

"Consider it great joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives genuerously to all, without finding fault and it will be given to him. But when he akss, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
James 1:2-8
Wisdom - accumulated learning, awareness of what is going on

I might be too exhausted to figure this all out tonight, but I'm trying. I've been trying to figure it out all day.

I've had my fair share of trials... I'm having them now. They keep me awake, yet I am told to find joy in this? I guess first I should understand that joy isn't necessarily happiness. Its like a bright sided realistic acceptance. (Well, the phone is going to ring again, and plans will inevitably change again, and its going to be hard, and hwile I could bitch, instead I'm going to choose to realize that crap happens and I will be a stronger person at the end of all this. All of what I assume to be sufferin will be used somehow. There is a plan, and I'm not struggling senselessly) This is such an easy concept, but likewise painfully difficult. Why? Trust. I have to trust completely and faithfully that God has this mess under control and does what he does for a reason. IfI can't graspt that, the rest is just shot. Faith is very difficult for me. An unrelenting belief in something that I can't prove against allimaginable odds. Some people find such faith easy to grasp, for the most part. God is in control. I never had it so easy. its a rare occasion when I can actually understand and deal with the fact that I just have to let the wheel go and allow God to steer. I want to have that kind of faith more than most people know.

So ultimately, if I can have joy, if I can let God be God, I can push on furthur, I can grow stronger as a person, toward that faith I so long for.

I think

I need faith to gain faith

Yet, wisdom must be pretty important as well, to be personally adressed. Wisdom is nothing more than learning through experience. In order to gain the wisdom you lack, you basically ask for pain, for trials so that you can better understand mercy? I'm still not sure about this one.

But the basic lesson here seems to be faith. I f you can't believe that God will help you, how can he? And if you just assume that you can get whatever you want, you rank yourself with God. If you play some back and forth, maybe - maybe not, split personality faith game, like I sometimes ... probably often do, you're just useless. The only way to overcome that is through fiath...

It seems that the answer to my greatest trial lies in my biggest struggle... If I can figure that puzzle out, the rest will fall where it should. I don't much care for struggle, but I am trying.


I'm probably way overanalyzing this, but i'm thinking, and thats probably, maybe a good thing. I'm going to go now. I"m out of words. tah

Smoking is least prevalent in Utah and California, while it is most prevalent in Oklahoma and Kentucky. Massachusetts has the best record for fatal car accidents; Louisiana, Montana, South Carolina and Wyoming have the worst. North Dakota has the least amount of violent crime; Florida the most. Colorado and Utah have the least risk of heart disease; Mississippi has the highest risk.


Its amazing the things you find online. Who spent thier time figuring all this out, i'd like to know? Friday thing was great as usual. We went to a friends birthday party and I went swimming in my clothing. Chlorine hurts my nasal cavity so much. It gets all jammed up in my sinuses and it burns like a mother... like flaming beef meteors... I'm so unbelievably beat right now. I got a whole bunch more fabric for my dress plus possibly some for a pillow I'd like to make. Its like the one you got Chad, only it will cost me about half the price... And will look worse. I've been in such a girly mood lately. I freaked out and started compuslively cleaning my sisters room yesterday. Took me four hours to clean off her stacking shelves, sifted through all the crap she didn't need and even put all her art and comics in binders I found lying around. I've still much to do. And I can't stop sewing. I have no fingers left b/c I've spent hours hemming by hand. But now I've got my macine working and I can get done in half the time. *shines with glee* I want to paint my room. I want purple walls and black carpet and pillows to match and I need to go through all the crap I have laying around and start tossing it. I'm such a pack rat. Everyones moving on me. Danita and Kayla moved and then Ryan moved before we could hang out and I am sad for such. Okay, I'm tired and really want to finish my dress now. So until we meet again, I bid you the most loving adieu *bows ever so politely*

And once again, I feel like crap...

Went to go get a state issued I.d. but as usual, my luck wouldn't let that happen. The lady took a look at my "birth certificate", you know, the one we've been using to enroll me in school and get my social security card and everything, and told me it wasn't a real one and that I couldn't use it. Its basically a hospital issued thanks for playing and while it proves my birth, it does nothing for the sake of my current existance. Go figure. I can't even prove that I take up space by proving that I was born. Maybe if I aged like a normal person I wouldn't need the damn card to prove that I'm not in middle school. Great, old enough to do all sorts of things I've always looked forward to doing, like going to a movie without getting a load dumped all over me, but I can't do any of it. Guess i'd better not get my hopes up with the job hunt either, since I'm sure they need a birth certificate. Nobody wants an un-human working for them. I'm tired of this. Chad is sick of hearing me bitch, no doubt, but the state acknowledges his existance right now, and nobody has ever assumed that he was 5 years younger than he actually is, so I'm sorry, I love you, but I'm going to roll around in my own self disgust for a while, okay? A lady working for the state basically just told me that I'm a figment of her imagination till I get a real certificate, which will likely never ever happen.

I was really looking forward to this today. I guess that will teach me to get excited about anything.

Yes, as has been the case all week, I'm going to complain. If you don't like it, I won't be surprized at all. Its even beginning to bother me.

Okay, just because I love you guys... I'll start with something happy and end the same, but all the middle stuff is me doing more of that losing sanity thing.

Happy part....

Every week at work it seems I learn something. This week I have concluded two things. One, all babies absorb the smell of what they had for breakfast. I couldn't tell if one kid had eaten cherrios or that french toast cereal... Also, (yeah, this is the mom in me) I don't think there are many feelings much greater than seeing a child express thier trust, or at the very least, tolerance, for you. There is this one little guy that I think everyone loves because, lets face it, he's freaking adorable, but for whatever reason, he has singled me out as a, I don't want to say "favorite" per se, so you make something up. Whenever he gets bored with whatever he is doing, he always comes running to me with this huge smile on his face. It really makes me feel like I've at least done a little bit for this kid. The father of a girl that I used to have in my Tuesday class also knew me by name through his daughter (the one who was in my class) Then I went to give Tzsirhart (okay, I know thats spelled wrong. Give me a break please) a handshake, and I recieved a hug in return. Okay, it was a big deal to me. So I spent the morning feeling really loved. Then things took a turn for the worst.

By the time I was in youth group... thing... my mood had taken a turn for the worst to say the least. I learned that if you try to make a witty coment, and two people out of roughly 30 hear you, you just look like an ass. I don't know why, but I take it so personally when people don't hear me. Maybe its because it seems to happen to me all the damn time. Then I have to repeat myself four times before anyone aknowledges my presence and they yell at me about how they heard it already. Well I'm not a psychic. How am I supposed to know that you heard me if you don't aknowledge that I am even breathing? That part didn't happen today, I'm just ranting. Then there were these banging sounds in the next room that were seriously getting to me. I knew it was just the gradeschool kids playing in the next room but everytime I heard a bang I would get more and more distracted from the lesson and the louder it got the more I had to fight to hold back tears. This is not the first time this has happened.
Then we all went to starbucks and ran into friends and old friends and people I've never met before and other such joys. I was just getting a really hard time from everyone and it bothered me b/c theres not exactly a whole lot i can do about it, except maybe stop getting so upset about it... I shouldn't let it bother me, and I know nobody means for me to take it personally, but again... Its not anything new, and I need to stop being such a little girl and just deal with it.

Night ended well to say the least, mostly because Everett is amazing and I don't deserve him. He is way better to me than I deserve.

Love to ramble on forever, and I'm sure I could, but I think I have to get up early tomorrow. I might finally get that i.d. I've been needing for over a year. And i'm tired, and its hot in this room. Bye

This is not my life
This is not my home
This is not me
I hate this

Your voice in my mind
Come home it ain't time
Burned down
Not me you see me suffer
Solace to inspire
Lowness to my life
Taunted by yourself alive

I don't understand... Sometimes I just wish I knew what I did so wrong... I've been awake for less than a half hour and I already want to find a hole to bury myself in. The perpetuity of it all is starting to make me sick. I can't control my mind anymore. I'm going to lose it if I don't find solace in something here. Sure, there are things in the world that keep me sane, but none of them are here, in this house, in this place that I can't escape from. If being a teenager is a mental illness in itself, I want to be locked away until this "phase" passes by me. I'm tired. I want to be cured, fixed. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I am a little broken. Or maybe its not me that needs fixing. Maybe its my reality thats shattered off to hell. I'm sick of hell. Tired with it. I used to fear it when I was little, but now I'm just irritated. I know God doesn't make mistakes, and predestinations sounds to me like a big joke that people use to explain the unexplainable, and i guess I wish... that something would change for once. I'm tired of having to change to make this fucked up reality satisfied. I want them to change this time. I've rearranged myself so many times now that I can't even remember who I used to be. I'm not doing it again. If they want to be happy with me, then for once, they can change. I'm not doing anything this time. And if they won't change, then I can't stay here anymore. Its that simple. Or is it?

I've hardly figured it all out yet and its already started again... I can't hold it in anymore. I'm going to start so many problems.

So here goes.



I know you're reading this. Don't even try to deny that you can. I know you've got that stupid tracker, watching every single move we make on here as if we're nothing more than property, peices of junk you can mistreat as you choose. I am not your material possession and neither is anyone else. She is not in the wrong for wanting a life. You aren't in the wrong for wanting to talk to her, BUT YOU DO NOT OWN HER!!!!! People need some freedom, and people need friends. What she does IS NOT MY FAULT, I can't control other people so stop getting angry with me and yelling at me and fucking hanging up on me when you don't get your way. So go on about how noone cares about you and noone wants you around and how noone loves you. You couldn't be more wrong. All i've ever wanted for as long as I can remember is to be a daddys girl. All I've ever wanted is the love and acceptance of my father, to be good enough for you. I've tried so hard it almost killed me, but it was always my fault to you, and I can't figure out how to try anymore. I can't go to San Antonio because I can't take it anymore. I can't handle the blame and the constant rejection. I know you try but you need help. I love you but I'm breaking down inside listening to the yelling and the swearing and hearing things break all the time. I can't handle all the hatred anymore. Its worn me down to nothing. I'm sorry that I can't fix all the problems, and I'm sorry I cause so many more and I'm sorry I don't have all the answers. I'm sorry that we can't be whatever it is that you want us to be.

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?

Sometimes I'm pretty sure I should just get up off the floor and go on with life as if all the things that happen to me never really existed. Sometimes I think it would be better for me to just deny my own reality. I mean it literally, too, when i say i should pick myself up off the floor. They wear me down, my whole house just wears me down to the point where I'm lying on the floor screaming and shaking so badly I coudln't stand up if I wanted to and I'm just contemplating setting my whole past ablaze and running as far from it all as my tired body can carry me, and trying to fly the rest of the way. I shouldn't let it bother me, but they wear on me just because they know that they can. I'm going to snap one of these days, and thats not the type of person I want to be. I'm reverting back to my old ways... the me that I hated, the thought process that I hated, the methods of coping that I hated so bitterly are haunting me again, not even hiding this time, just jumping out right into my face and following me no matter where I go. I'm scaring myself again, forgetting who I want to be, who I was before my psychological fallout. Curse you adolescence...Not that I have anyone to blame but myself. Even if I did, I likely would not. My mom asked me today if I needed the cat tranquilizers... that cat takes valium. What does that say about me, if the people around me think I need to be put on valium? So, where can I go to escape from all this madness? Where am I going to go?

The formality of this funeral is disturbing. Reagans funeral service is on tv right now. They spent about ten minutes just staring at the casket... I never understood the whole formality of funerals. I would never want a formal funeral like that. I would be turning over in my grave if there were army guys marching around and everyone had to stand away and they stood at my casket for ten minutes not doing anything. I don't know. Maybe thats what Reagan liked. I'd like to say I don't understand the mourning of death, but thats simply not true. I won't even try to pretend that one. I dreamed two nights ago that I met these two people. An older man and a really young girl, and they were dying. I remember it was a time when death was pretty common, and I was on some sort of mission and I drove off to this tower which started in the middle of nowhere and the man appeared. THen the little girl. I don't recall what the man was dying from, but the girl had cancer. I think the man was suicidal... I remember that I hugged him and my mom thought it was pretty gross b/c he was kind of overweight and really sweaty.If he died in front of me, I can't remember. I went to the little girls house the next day and she had died. It was just a dream, but i didn't want them to die. Another weird dream. I never heard a word spoken. Okay, I have to wake up the littl'un and do kitchen stuff, and so now I go.

Oh I love sunshine, its such a lovely sight...


Okay, so that was a COMPLETE lie. I loathe the sun with every ounce of my being. Its even worse right now b/c I am all burned up. I'm sunfried. My shoulders are in way too much pain for me to enjoy right now. Thats all I've really got right now. Yep. I'm really bored, but I have no urge to go outside. Dispite the amazing wonderful glorious rain, I'm in too much pain and I'm defanantly too lazy. So much for all that moontanning. A glorious amount of pailness destroyed in mere hours. I wanted to go to Mexico... but I'm thinking that this proves that i'd never live through it. I'm gonna go now. I think I'm hungry and i don't actually have much to say.

Bye then

Touching you makes me feel alive...

There are some days when its just harder to let go. This particular day, it was heart wrenching. Its the worst on those days when you already could barely will yourself to move; those days when you finally do manage to get up off the floor and the numbness fades away, and you can feel again, and you like what you feel, then just like that, its time to go back to feeling nothing. I don't want to be numb, but sometimes its just easier if you can't feel anything. When you're numb, you don't get angry or afraid. You don't FEEL, you just... are... And letting go of feeling safe and wanted, of feeling real, is almost too much to handle when i'm already so short on energy, so drained...

There are some days when its just harder to let go. Today,.,., was one of them.

Diamonds, what she really wants...

Does this seem like crap to anyone else, or is it just me?

How am I doing today....

Moving on. I've determined that the Leprechaun is easily one of those villians who is so ugly that it is just adorable. If he weren't quite so homocidal, i'd take him home to live in my closet. Sex on tv is obnoxious... They always have to get some girl half naked. I'm very bored and wish to leave my house now. Save me from my own lack of a life please. This entry was a horrendous waste of my time and yours, but i promise, i initially planned on having a purpose to it.

Tah.

The nightmares are all missing and the monsters can't be found
And in thier place there seems to be good feeling all around
Instead of screams I swear I can hear music in the air...

Yesterday wasn't exactly what i'd call a great day. I did manage to find okayness between the hours of about 6:30 and 10:45 pm, but it was shortlived. Between all the issues we had yesterday with neighborhood kids and then coming home to the ever ringing phone... I'm beginning to become impatient with this. Last night was one of the worse nights i've had in a while. The phone only rang about 8 times in the time i was home before it finally stopped till this morning, which is really pretty short considering what we usually get. Last night I felt more alone than I've felt in a long time. I felt unsafe, like there was someone two steps behind me, watching me no matter which way I turned. I watched The Nightmare Before Christmas last night, which, unless near one of the two obvious holidays is near in that movie, I usually only watch when i feel like crap. To say the least, I felt like crap. My nerves go out of whack when the stupid phone rings again. I wish i could relate to that song... I kept myself awake all night thinking about some of the most random things... Many of which i will not delve into at this moment. I just felt very lonely... which is bad. I shouldn't have to depend on the presence of others in times like that to feel safe or wanted or whatever the antecedent of those unpleasant feelings was. I've known for years that I can't depend on people to make me feel better, nad that becomes even harder to believe when you find a person who does make you feel better. I found it to be one of those more difficult than usual to just let him go do his thing yesterday because i knew damn well what i was going to feel like as soon as i opened the door, and going from a feeling of such life to so much numbness is mere seconds is something of a shock to say the least. Still recovering, i think. So if i know its coming, why can't i prevent it? Who actually knows...

At any rate, I did a handwriting analasys. How close did the lady get to describing me?

Regarding letter size... you clicked "Medium".

Because your writing is neither really large or small, then we know you are not as intense as those who write really small... nor are you as flighty as those on the other extreme. You fall into the middle-of-the-road on this character trait.



Slant reveals "emotional outlay".
(How you react emotionally to the situations with which you're faced.) And concerning the letter slant of your sample you chose "Variation slant from left to right in the same sentence".

This option indicates that you have trouble making decisions, and have unpredictable mood swings. And if you feel the least bit insecure, your first tendency is to withdraw into your shell. Once you've reached your decision, then you can be social and enjoy interaction with others.

Your life is often an emotional tug-of-war. You could be described as a "thermometer". Today, warm and friendly. Tomorrow, distant and cold... not wanting to be close to anyone.

Many folks with this writing slant experience health challenges that make focus, concentration, and steady moods difficult to attain (or maintain).

There is a simple way to change this characteristic trait... if you need help in this area of your life, then click the link at the bottom of this analysis.



The letter "o"... this is a very insightful letter. When you picked "Open at the top, with or without loops", that told me that you LOVE to talk.

You give your opinion on anything and everything. As a matter of fact, you volunteer your opinion even when it isn't asked for. Because you can't stop talking, people may refer to you as "motor-mouth".

If you're single, and considering matrimony... I suggest you look for someone who's rich, beautiful, and STONE DEAF. You'll make the perfect couple!



Excellent!

When I asked about the shape of the tops of the humps in the letters "m" and "n", you chose "Vary between rounded and pointed". Your represent the best of two types of reasoning styles: The "cumulative" and the "comprehensive". You can process information both in a cumulative/procedural fashion... and also in a comprehensive/fast manner.

The cumulative thinker likes to take the time to gather all the facts before forming a conclusion. On the other hand, the comprehensive thinker likes to see the big picture... without getting too deep into the details, and quickly form his/her conclusion.

Because you can process information in both a cumulative/procedural fashion... or in a comprehensive/fast manner, you can easily adapt to the situation at hand. If you're with a cumulative thinker, you can slow down and explain every detail. If you're talking to someone who only wants the bottom-line, you can speed up your thinking, and shorten your presentation.

This ability is critical to effective leadership.



This is an important trait!

When I asked you how high the t-bar is crossed on the stem of the letter "t", you chose "Midway up the stem". This tells me that you set goals that are realistic, practical, and obtainable. Also, that your self-esteem is good... but not so high as to make you over confident.

People that cross their "t's" in the upper middle are pragmatic and secure with themselves. You have the confidence necessary to make changes in your life that would improve your situation.

Keep growing and stretching!



When asked how the t-bar ends, you chose "Knife-point toward the right".

This tells me that you are a bit of a smart-ass. Sorry... the politically correct term is "sarcastic". This trait is usually exercised as a means of defending your ego. Sometimes your sarcasm comes out as a dry sense of humor. And expressed in this positive manner, people really enjoy it. But on the other hand, if you're at all insecure about yourself, your sarcasm can be directed at others... and be very hurtful. It's your call!



You told me that your t-bar is predominately located "Mostly right of the stem".

This stroke indicates a short fuse when you get upset. If all of your t-bars are on the right, I bet you have constant a problem with your temper. Let someone make a flippant remark about your outfit and they may end up getting clobbered!

I don't want to make you mad... but I bet you have lost more than one friend because of your quick temper. There's a fairly simple way to correct this... if you're interested, check the link at the end of your analysis.



Concerning your lower case t's, and in particular, the tilt of the t-bar.

You chose "Downward to right". You have a dominant "take control" personality... and you LIKE it. I hope you're not dating or married to someone who crosses their t's the same way!!



Concerning your y's and g's, you chose "Tail forms a "v" shape".

This trait generally signifies an aggressive tendency... but that doesn't have to be a negative. If it's channeled correctly, you can be assertive and have positive initiative... if not, the result of this trait could be violence. It's your choice!



Good for you! Concerning your y's and g's, you chose "Narrow... some loop".

This tells me that you're very selective about who you let into your inner circle. No one can accuse you of being easy to get to know intimately. This is OK... as long as it isn't taken too far.



When I asked you if the first letter of your signature was smaller than, or equal in size to the other letters, you indicated that it was.

This shows that you have a tendency to be modest and humble. You prefer to blend into the crowd... rather than stand out. This isn't necessarily a bad trait. However, ego is an important component of your self-image. So don't always take a back seat!.

People with larger capital letters in their signature tend to demand more attention and have a stronger sense of self-importance. There are times when this is appropriate and very important.

Today truly was a prime example of a lazy day. Want to know what i did? Wound up lounging in my boxers most of the early afternoon. Then I spent the latter part of the day playing mario kart. Then i went swimming till 11 pm. Thats right. I did absolutely nothing today. My skin feels funny from the salt water and i took a superlong shower when i got home so i'm all squeaky clean. There is some random large red mark on my face thats been there, without fail, all day, making me nervous. I'm going to go reprogram the sims now.... Not really. i just like to change all the houses so the girl who owns it gets all curious as to what happened. I'm about half done.

So, its the first day in weeks that i've had absolutely nothing to do whatsoever. This is my plan. I woke up at about 9:30 - 10 ish, because my mom had to go to work. My siblings are all at friends houses. I have the whole house to myself. I'm going to lounge around in my boxers till 3, take a shower, and do some more lounging. I took a shower last night so I can actually make it till three without feeling filthy because i only wake up a little gross when i shower at night as opposed to disgracefully dirty. Yep, I have no formal plan, and i'm just going to chill out until one comes along. Maybe i'll do some more Latin. Thats right. I'm teaching myself Latin in my spare summer time. I have my book from Latin III. (Fear not, we bought them from the school so its mine) and i've been going back through it touching up on stuff. I'm in Chapter 5 right now. I'd forgotten how easy Latin I was. And how bad I am at going from English to Latin. Translating was never too terribly hard for me. Even if i couldn't understand what i was doing, i could get a basic concept. I tell you, if i were a Roman... I would be so illiterate, but I would have loved every minute of my illiteracy. They had such great stories... though i would not have been able to read them... hmmm.... ENOUGH PONDERING!!!!!


I'm actually feeling okay right now. Not too terribly stressed like normal. Maybe a solid day of absolutely secluded, unsceduled me time was just what i needed. Although, I do have to wash my face now b/c i can only handle so much human filth.

It is said that I have an obsession with my own feeling of cleanliness... I can see why they think that...

Ahem.....

Sorry i've taken so long. My only excuse for the last 30 minutes is that evness visited me. For the last week... I"ve been busy? Sorry, its tough pulling Celena away from the computer. Yep. So, I'm a high school graduate. Now i can go out there and struggle to find a minimum wage job to afford a community college. I don't have to worry about that facet of life anymore, now i can only look back at all the things i wish i had done... yep. graduation was long and tedious but i caused a scene for everyone i knew, and my skirt didn't fall off once (i pinned it to the inside of my shirt mind you) Everyones going off getting ready to do something with thier lives, but me, i've got other things on my mind.

I watched a house burn to the ground last night. Contrary to.... contrary things, i did not find this to be cool or exciting by any long shot. I am shocked at how quickly the fire spread, and humbled by the simple fact that i couldn't change the events. We were at the end of the street when it happened. One of us saw smoke and when it became thicker, we started running. By the time we got to the house (maybe 8 houses away) the flames were sneaking in through the roof. Chad called 911. Levi got the neighbors out of thier houses. Michelle and I searched for the face that matched the screaming voice we heard. It was the little girl next door. I struggled for information on whether there was anyone left in the house. Would I have gone in after them? Maybe. By the time the fire department got there you knew there was no salvaging anything. They spent maybe two hours or so killing the fire, and it was the fastest and most destructive thing i have ever witnessed. I wanted to hug the woman who lived there. I've never seen a person look like they felt so guilty about something that they couldn't have controlled. No... I take that back. I can think of one other time. At the same time, i felt very angry watching all of this. It quickly became a story to tell, a media event and an inconvenience to the people around me rather than a disaster. It made me remember what kind of society we live in. Very raraly do people want to help others. Instead they search for recognition and reputation, thrusting themselves in front of news cameras and telling thier names and accounts for the whole world to witness. People complain about not being able to get where they need to go quickly while the person in front of you no longer has a place to go. THis is what our society has amounted to. A whole lot of nothing. Does humanity no longer believe in compassion? I believe they do, it just depends of the people you are looking at.

I guess what i'm getting at... maybe, if anything at all, is that other peoples lives do affect yours, but think about how you let it affect you. What are your reasons behind your thought process? Keep in mind that when someone elses pain becomes convenient or inconvenient for you, thats someones child, someones sister, someones best friend, someones parent. How do you want people to treat you and your loved ones in thier times of need? Treat others that way too.