Thursday, April 22, 2004

In a little while you'll be alright
Thats what people tell me every night
But I've been somewhere that they've never been
I was privelaged to call you friend



I do seem like an angry vengelful depressed person, an it does seem like i'm never happy anymore. I am an angry person, but its not constant. I'm sorry that I've made you feel somehow like you're "not doing your job right." You have no job with me, no standard you are expected to accomidate to. You're doing amazing all on your own. Yes, you did used to be able to make me feel better, and you know what? You still do. Yeah, I let stuff get to me like no other all the damn time, but it could be so much worse. I mean, people mention your name and i break out in smiles. I can't even control it. Thats happiness. Even amongst the stressful stuff, I'm still happy. YOu want to know why? Because I was blessed. I was amazingly blessed with someone who always makes me feel a little better with every passing day, whether my mood started out good or bad, you always make it even better. You don't even have to do a whole lot of trying. Maybe I'm making it too easy on you as you always say, but so what? Is it supposed to be complicated? I think the both of us missed that somewhere. Struggles occur, true, but its not meant to be another struggle that you have to worry about whether or not you're doing okay. You're doing wonderfully. You make me unbelievably happy. Most of these journals are written spur of the moment and are pretty irrational to begin with. Please don't think any less of yourself. Please don't focus on my minute to minute ramblings nearly so much and look at the over all. I am so different from what i was when we first met. Changes for the better. Changes that have so much to do with you. You don't just make me feel better for a moment or an hour or anything, but better as a whole. A feel better that lasts.

"He makes smudged eyeliner look hot."

Would you believe me if I said I really don't have anothing to complain about at the moment? A girl in my first period stated the above comment about Johnny Depp, which disturbed me a little, the way she said it. Then, suddenly I felt like the weird one because make up on guys has never bothered me. I suddenly became very glad that i'm not quite superficial. Yep. I'm feeling alright today.


Tuesday, April 20, 2004

The tick tock of the clock is painful
All sane and logical
I want to tear it off the wall


I very recently became edgy and incapable of sitting still. I should be doing my lessons, but I can’t concentrate on them any longer. I have misplaced my ability to sit still. I feel like life is passing by me too quickly and I’m stuck in a room with no windows as life wastes away. I’m wasting my time sitting here accomplishing nothing. I’ve got things racing around in my mind and I know as soon as I get out of this little room, I won’t do anything with all that racing and buzzing, but I don’t know why. My fingers are itching to be free of this stupid keyboard and my eyes want to stare at something beyond this godforsaken screen, but the rest of this room doesn’t have anything worth looking at… not much anyway. I’m sure I could find something. I am restless, which is strange because this morning I couldn’t even get up. And here I am left once more with another journal that says nothing. I want to go back in time and relive old memories. Not even change them, I want to see them again. Sometimes I wish that there was some form of technology that could record all the things you see in life worth looking at again and that you could freeze time for a little while and watch them over again.

Thirty five more minutes locked in this dungeon of modernized pointlessness… I really don’t need to know how to work access. I defanantly don’t plan on spending the rest of my life locked in over developed modernized dungeons when I get free of this room. I want to be free and do something, anything, so long as I could say that I accomplished something far greater than Lesson 3 in the access section of the office XP users manual. I’m wasting away on this thing and I can’t even focus on what I’m actually supposed to be accomplishing. So I can stand up and proudly say “ Look at me. I learned a skill I will never use again.” Joyousness of times. Normal people get excited to think of the trumpets sounding. I get scared. At the end of my life, I’d like to have accomplished something. How am I supposed to do that locked in a room with 20 some machines that are shooting radiation through my very being. (I don’t care if they don’t shoot radiation through me… I still don’t like it)

Random thought: Have you ever wanted to tell people things before but you know you can’t and you don’t know why? I don’t know who I feel like talking to, but I know that whoever it is, I can’t and even if I could it wouldn’t matter because I can’t say what I want to anyway. I think the mix between computer waves and caffeine and lack of sleep is starting to make me all crazy like. I’m not hiding anything from anyone, so you all know. Please don’t get paranoid that I am. I just thing that I really need a nice nap of some sort, and if not that then I really can’t say whats wrong with me… I’m rambling again. It is, alas, one of my finest skills…

ONTO OTHER THINGS

I realized why being held under water on Sunday felt so strange to me. I mean, whats so weird, Its water, right? Wrong. I’m strange, therefore I must make simple things even stranger. Really though, something felt very different that when people normally put me under water… I’m a paranoid person. People lift hands around me and I flinch, even if I know they aren’t going to smack me a good one. People get anywhere near me in water and start to pull me down, and I kick them in the face, circumstances and who you are means nothing. It could be a half an inch of water, I’m going to panic, so Sunday I was really kind of scared that I was going to kick Nathan in the head or something, but I felt no urgency to panic or fend for my life or anything, which is entirely out of my character. My mom insisted that we watch the tape they made last night and Celena commented that I’d never looked so calm in my life before. When it gets right down to it, that was true. That’s why it seemed so weird to me. For once in my life I was in a potentially hazardous situation (you have to understand I’m paranoid and everyones out to get me. With me being a pint sized and in water, I get scared b/c I can’t fight back) yet feel no urgency to defend myself in any manner. Do you have any idea what its like to NOT feel terror in your surroundings for the first time ever? It made the whole situation so much greater than I could have thought it to be because not only did the people around me learn how I have been changing spiritually, but I learned how I’ve been changing… in some other way. I trusted someone outside of my ‘you have dealt with all of my insanity and know my deepest thoughts and have yet to abandon me so I’m willing to put some trust in you’ bubble, which is totally out of my character, and I can’t even explain what its like to be… comfortable… This isn’t coming out right… Its sounding rambly….

“its like a new pair of underwear. At first its constricting, but then it becomes a part of you.”

Well, that did nothing for my case… In fact, now I sound a bit perverted… You know, it sounds a whole lot better In my head, so I suppose to really understand what I’m trying to get across, you’ll have to read my mind. Can you read my mind? I really have to go before I make an even larger fool of myself… I go now… Disreguard anything senseless or ignorant I may have said.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Touch me, take me to that other place
Teach me, I know I"m not a hopeless case


This quote has nothing to do with anything I initially wanted to talk about. I wanted to rant about how angry and hurt I am right now that while my mom can feel exactly how i feel, she can't understand to me how important a similar ordeal was. I wanted to go on for hours about why I'm angry at her, but whats the point? Nobody reading this can honestly do a thing about it. Its all in the past and Its going to hurt, I fear, no matter what anyone says. I wanted to go on about nostalgic moments and give away a whole bunch of stuff I had been saving for my senior speech, but again, that defeats the purpose... Of course, I don't feel like waiting that long to tell people things I want them to know right now, and it seems wrong to me, telling you over the interweb. Plus, as i say so very often, Wes needs to be back, but the rest of you are mine!!! MWAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *giggle* ahem... I wanted to rave on for a while about a certain happening on Sunday and a certain person involved in such things and certain feelings and gratitude toward both this certain person and a certain Higher Power, and certain and most shocking trust which I couldn't possibly have learned that i had developed until, of course, the fateful moment, but this will most likely be explained in a letter of some sort to this certain individual.... almost certainly.... There was a lot I wanted to discuss, and I also wanted to write my speech... but I have not. And I also wanted to spend a few moments letting go of some cumbersome pains and frustrations via tears, but have thus far been quite unsuccessful and have been left rather exhausted. And the whole little thing i scribbled into my personal journal seems like quite the waste of an hour of my life. I'm not really sure if I feel "better" though. In fact, I can guarantee that I don't. Nor do I feel worse. I"m stuck in the same clump of emotional chaos and I have done nothing with another fine day. Yet, as crappy as i feel, at the same time, I don't feel as such because i pretty much know that at the end of my life, after I have hopefully forgotten most, if not all of my memories, It will not matter. Unless of course, I remember. In which case I will continue to be hurt...

Well, this has been yet another waste of my time and yours. My deepest apologies. I'll try better tomorrow.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Its something unpredictable, but in the end theres right
I hope you had the time of your life



So, about Prom.

I wore a dress. And thats all you need to know....


Kidding, but at any rate. I quickly learned last night that sitting+prom dress=no breathing. I thought i was going to die. Whenever i sat for long periods of time, i got dizzy and light headed on account of all the oxygen i wasn't getting. Everyone looked really good. I was shocked to see how nicely some people cleaned up. Never thought the day would come that Tyler would wear a tux. It was crazy, guys and girls i know who would never dress all nice like and there they were, looking stunning. Christy didn't win prom queen, though I think she should have. She is one of the most beautiful girls i know, inside and out. I missed going to Brents house this year, which i was looking forward to like you couldn't believe, but i didn't make it b/c my mom was busy having prom for me... And i know she's all excited about it and wanted it to be memorable, but did she really have to make me an hour late? I don't think she did. This is my special night thing after all too. But, things happen and we move on. Prom was interesting. I had fun. My feet hurt, and i'm done with dresses for ever.

I learned something today. Some of my favorite people to be around are less than three feet tall and can hardly speak comprehensably. I was at work today spending some time with a kid who's presence i really enjoy. He's a funny kid who's been learning how to talk recently. So, I'm playing some game with this kid and talking to him about something and he just looks at me and says "I"m going to hug you now" in that adorable, choppy stutter that only a two year old can accomplish. Whatever bad mood may have been lingering around from the past week or so has been killed. I'm such a mom, I know, but its just nice b/c toddlers don't ever do anything they don't want to. They don't show affection toward you if they don't like you and i have never seen this child hug anyone. Yeah, I know, I'm such a mom. Let me have this. I felt liked. Kids have an uncanny ability to brighten moods... Or maybe its just me. I love my job. I wish more of my job loved me, but i love my job none the less.

I should go now, I need sleep rather desperately.

Its something unpredictable, but in the end theres right
I hope you had the time of your life


So, about Prom.

I wore a dress. And thats all you need to know....


Kidding, but at any rate. I quickly learned last night that sitting+prom dress=no breathing. I thought i was going to die. Whenever i sat for long periods of time, i got dizzy and light headed on account of all the oxygen i wasn't getting. Everyone looked really good. I was shocked to see how nicely some people cleaned up. Never thought the day would come that Tyler would wear a tux. It was crazy, guys and girls i know who would never dress all nice like and there they were, looking stunning. Christy didn't win prom queen, though I think she should have. She is one of the most beautiful girls i know, inside and out. I missed going to Brents house this year, which i was looking forward to like you couldn't believe, but i didn't make it b/c my mom was busy having prom for me... And i know she's all excited about it and wanted it to be memorable, but did she really have to make me an hour late? I don't think she did. This is my special night thing after all too. But, things happen and we move on. Prom was interesting. I had fun. My feet hurt, and i'm done with dresses for ever.

I learned something today. Some of my favorite people to be around are less than three feet tall and can hardly speak comprehensably. I was at work today spending some time with a kid who's presence i really enjoy. He's a funny kid who's been learning how to talk recently. So, I'm playing some game with this kid and talking to him about something and he just looks at me and says "I"m going to hug you now" in that adorable, choppy stutter that only a two year old can accomplish. Whatever bad mood may have been lingering around from the past week or so has been killed. I'm such a mom, I know, but its just nice b/c toddlers don't ever do anything they don't want to. They don't show affection toward you if they don't like you and i have never seen this child hug anyone. Yeah, I know, I'm such a mom. Let me have this. I felt liked. Kids have an uncanny ability to brighten moods... Or maybe its just me. I love my job. I wish more of my job loved me, but i love my job none the less.

I should go now, I need sleep rather desperately.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Today, I attended a talent show. I'd forgotten how much talent some of these people have. This one guy I know, Paul, sang this song that really made me think. One of the guitarists strings broke and they had issues with that, so they were afraid that they didn't do so well, but the song was really really amazing. And the more I thought about the words, the more I could relate to them. You know how some songs, you just hear them and they hit you in the face like a 7 ton brick? Thats what this song was to me. It was like they were singing it to me. I know that sounds really stupid and weird, but its like all the questions i've been asking myself and the ones noone else can answer, they knew. The song was answering my questions and it was overwhelming. I think someones trying to tell me something. Between bible study and tonight, I'm seeing a reccurant theme, but i don't know if i like the answer. I'll ponder over it for a moment. Does anyone else find it ironic that the issue i've been dealing with like no other came up from a lady i hardly know yesterday and again today in this song (the only song performed i could understand the words to, mind you) and they had to perform it twice on account of broken strings? I'm seeing the irony here. But i might be the only one. At any rate, he's going to give me the lyrics b/c i asked for them.

I felt the urge very strongly to go up and hug him and ask for another answer. Situations work in strange ways i suppose.

Yesterdays journal joyness...

Sometimes, I wonder if its not best for me to just be quiet in Bible study. I seem to stir things up in people. At the same time, its not always so bad to talk about stuff. At any rate, I should be sleeping, but i get to play relay messenger between my parents and when one is sleeping and doesn't want to take the phone, guess who gets to take the blame for it? Thats right, me, the one who's fault it isn't. People wonder why I blame myself for everything constantly. Well, why shouldn't I? Everyone else does. A few thousand people couldn't possibly be wrong could they? Jus think, if even the things that are in no way possibly my fault become my mistake, then the things that could conceivably have something to do with me must be painfully, astoundingly, entirely on my shoulders. How could it be any other way?

More childhood nostalgia... I suppose you could call it that...

I recall hearing stories about every day happenings and the explanations, I'm sure I interpreted them wrong, It always seemed to point to me in the end. I remember when I was a freshman my parents got into a fight about something or another and when mom went to work dad actually came into my room and told me that it was all my fault that they were fighting and that I was the reason they fought and never got along and the reason she was mad at him. And at the time, I actually believed it. I beat myself up so badly over that. To think that they didn't get along at all and I was the one to blame, I had always been the one to blame... No kid should ever have to live life believing that. Yet i did, and i treated myself accordingly. That was the time when i concluded that i would never know anything different in my life b/c i was bringing it all on myself. So i decided that i would never get married and i wasn't going to date because all I ever seemed to do was ruin lives. Occasionally, I still feel this way. That I burden those around me. I try my hardest not to feel that way with Ev, but since i have this mentality imbeded in my mind, and since he is so overwhelmingly good to me, here comes the paranoia that its all some dream i'm letting myself have and when i wake up I'll find what i always thought i was worthy of. I don't want to live like that. Its hard to go back when you know something so much better...

This has not been the greatest week for me. My mom and I, and I say my mom and i entirely subjectively, had a (rather one sided) confrontation today. She was on my case about telling someone to do something. And i tried to explain to her that I have no control over what others do because they don't listen to me. And there she was, not listening to me. At all. And so I continued for a short moment to grasp some sort of attention, to explain to her that what had happened was not my fault and that I can't change it on account of noone ever listens, and she pointed out that she wasn't really listening as if it were funny. I don't like being a joke, I don't like not existing, and I don't like every little thing in the world being my fault. I was begging for attention. So sue me.

Supposedly people notice that i take up some sort of space, and something more than that. That I am a human soul occupying this flawed little body. Supposedly every fault in the world is not on account of me. Supposedly I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be. Well, more often than i care to recall, I don't see the proof of this. I see no evidence of all these statements that people make to me. And its not necessarily that I don't believe in what i can't see, but some sort of proof has to exist and for every one time that the small handful of people who care enough to notice actually notice, there are 57 times behind it that proves otherwise. If you want to get logical, there are still those 1:57 odds. But when you get right down to it, it hurts. It hurts a lot. If I'm not careful (on weeks like the one i'm having) I let the hurt take over and i sink into it. I forget to remember that it can be different if i really want it to, and i forget how to pull myself back out of all the shit. I get sucked back into that feeling of being over run by toxic junk and i hate that feeling.

I'm too emotional. I need to learn to block those things out. Alas, i don't think I ever can...

Sorry, about another sullen entry. I'm not having the best week and its only getting better it seems. That was sarcasm. Apparently this is another part of my personality i have to get rid of. I'd rather not take everything so seriously, but apparently who i am isn't acceptable. Everyone else is allowed to be a sadist. Its funny, but just not when its me.

Someone talked to my mom about me possibly getting counseling. They are "worried" about me. Counseling has proven to be ineffective for me. School counselors try to lock me up, professional counselers don't want to see me again, church counselors don't believe a word I say. So whats left? Most of my problems stem from anger I don't know how to cope with, but noone believes that i have it. (With the exception, it seems, of one church intern who FINALLY believes me. Thank you, and I mean that in all honesty. Thank You.) And since noone believes me, i only become more frustrated and angrier and the vicious cycle is perpetuated. I just need to know how to cope. Thats all. Just someone who won't think I'm making up stories. I'm not. I've never made up a story about what happens to me as far back as i can remember. I'm not creating these things in my mind. Just someone who doesn't think i'm a liar. I never could have assumed this would be too much to ask for, but apparently its all i'm getting. Thats why i'm so scared to get any help. The fear that i'll just be pushed away and labeled as another phony, a liar. If there were someone out there who would consider that there is something real going on inside of me, I wouldn't be so turned off to the idea of talking to someone. I know i need help. i always have. I remember thinking "This isn't right. I should get some help." as far back as 6 years old. But noone ever believed me. I was always the liar, the naughty child. I've got a reputation with no conceivable evidence of such. But I suppose its something i'll have to handle on my own. I guess I'm doing alright. A little shaken here and there, but alive nonetheless.

I should really mention something happy now... Now that i've probably either killed a few good moods or irritated some people.
........
,,,,,,,,
........
,,,,,,,,
Oh, I know. My thirst for God hiatus is finally on hiatus. The only problem, I want more of Him, but I don't know where to look. I'm absolutely itching to get more of Him in my life. Its showing up in random ways. I don't know if i'm just being played with, or if the questions i'm being asked have an honest searching behind them, but i'm willing to answer how i can either way.

I'm excited about the baptism. The closer it gets, the more i anticipate. and the more scared i become. Why? Nobody really knows. Its just best not to ask.

I got a secret letter from a different college girl this week. It had a bible verse on it that really made me think after the night we had
~*therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.*~ Matthew 6:34

I'm tired now and should thus try to sleep. On such a note, I bid you adieu.

Adieu.

and today i don't know how too keep it all inside
but i guess i'll let it slide



Bridges or of crossing them- Gephyrophobia
Decisions: making decisions- Decidophobia.
Mirrors- Catoptrophobia.
Noises, loud- Ligyrophobia.
Praise, receiving- doxophobia.
Trains, railroads or train travel- Siderodromophobia.
Wasps- Spheksophobia.


Yet nowhere can I find the name for a foot phobia... which I have to a hysterical degree. I found names for things i didn't even thing people could be afraid of, but not something so conceivable as feet...

A relatively extensive list of phobias... both a hypochondriacs best friend and worst nightmare, and supposedly, i am a hypochondriac. What i find strange is that hypochondria is the only thing hypochondriacs don't think they have, but is it possible to be a hypochondriac by thinking you have hypochondria? It makes sense to me... but only to me. I'm bored. I wrote a journal last night and planned to put it in here but my computer rebelled. I should really take that as a sign not to post it, but the real question is will i? Only time will tell. I keep tripping over my own feet today. Feeling rather clumsy. I'm a klutz, and proud thank you. With that, I've nothing of worth to say.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside


What’s on my mii\nd for the day? We are a greedy society. A couple of kids at my schools dad has a rather serious form of cancer, so the school is doing a raffle. It’s a good idea, but one thing bothers me. They have to offer us over $7,000 in prizes so that we will “donate” money. That seems wrong to me. Unfortunately, they are right. Most people won’t just donate money to save someones life. Because the vast majority of people are so selfish, they have to be suckered into helping others. Its like that everywhere. If you scream rape now, nobody answers, but if you scream fire everyone comes running. Why? It seems people are only concerned with what happens to them anymore. The “be a hero” funds… why does this seem wrong to me? The concept is wonderful, and I’d love to help them any way I can, but bribery…

O don’t like to be bribed.

I also chatted with Nathan yesterday. I’m pretty excited, though a little bit nervous. At any rate, I have no words worth hearing for you today, and so I will stop wasting the remainder of you time. Tah.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004


When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...
...
Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...





Whats new in the life of me today? Well, I went on a most enjoyable excursion yesterday with my mom and Chad… The hunt for the prom dress… This was far from a good thing. Why, might you ask? Well, the thing you have to understand about me is that I’m pretty hard on myself, right? Right. And it takes quite a bit to boost up my esteem to where I’m not sickened my what I see in the mirror. (I’ve gone for months on end without looking in mirrors before) and shopping for dresses always makes me feel a little… bad. For a time there I had actually gotten to a point where I was … well… not happy with myself, but not sickened either. As in, that maybe I’m not that bad after all. And then the time to buy that godforsaken dress came. To say the least, I’m feeling pretty poopy. Another one of those I haven’t looked in a mirror thus far type days. Heres what happened:

We went off to find that dress and upon finding nothing in the thrift stores, made our way off to the mall. Found not a thing in one store, and did find a neat little number at Sears. A black strappy thing with pink lace going up the front and a really choppy layered bottom. There was a similar one in black and with D rings. Putting the black one on was where all the horror started. It was… not flattering. The pink one didn’t do me much justice either. And so it started. Me looking in those evil full body mirrors at what few dresses I could shove myself into. We found another one that was quite pretty. Black with blue sides and more tying up and such. Only one problem. The dress was a size 1, and I actually eat, so I told my mom that it wouldn’t work, as in there was no way I could cram my ass into that dress, seeing as how I wear the better end of a size 10… But she insisted. So we went to the dressing rooms and she tried to shove me into the Barbie dress. She managed to cram me into it with absolutely no breathing on my part and I made the mistake of looking into one of those mirrors and oh the horror that I saw. Then the dress wouldn’t come off. So when we finally got it off me, my oh so caring mother slips into this thing with absolutely no trouble at all and spins around a few times. I left the dressing room, what small bits of pride I had left smashed all over the dressing room floor. Then we went hunting for actual dress stores. Found one, the name started with a W… I did not belong there. But I went in reguardless and looked at the heinously overpriced gowns and ran into a stick girl I used to know. We found a few things, most of which looked very unpleasant on me, and I found an interesting little halter top thing that had mesh twisty strappy things dangling down around my legs and was shockingly fitting and pleasingly not gross on me. This, my mom said, was not a prom dress. I saw no real problem. It was defanantly unique, I didn’t look like a pilsbury dough child, I could actually breath and I wouldn’t die from heat exhaustion that comes with most formal gowns. Yet she insisted. And then found something else that is a nice dress, but still a dress. Its only flaws, my torso is too short and my tummy is too existent, so we have to altar it.Thus wearing it constricts my breathing. So we got it and I swore I’d never eat again after the day I’d had, and then we had sonic and at the end of the day to wear it again I had to suck in to the point of suffication. I love shopping for dresses. And then, when we got home, after I shoved myself into my dress to show Ev, my mom slipped mine on… over her jeans and sweater. Yeah, it wouldn’t bother me so much if she hadn’t been doing this to me since the day I bought that dress for my freshman year homecoming. But, things will happen and tomorrow always comes. Or it never comes… Depending on how you look at it, I suppose.

On to other things. I think I am going to be denied my dance yet again. I’m going to have to beat Ryan up.

On to other … other things. I have nothing of interest left to say. I’ll be done beating myself up in about 4 days.

Monday, April 12, 2004

I tried to kill my pain but only brought more (so much more)
I lay dying and i am pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved, am I too lost...

My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
return to me savlation

Do you remember me lost for so long
Will you be on the other side, will you forget me
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved, am i too lost...

My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation

(I want to die)

My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied
Christ
Tourniquet
My suicide

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A rather unpleasent problem i seem to have is belief. I believe in Christ and what he did for me. My problem lies in all that leaving it to Him stuff that i'm so very not used to. I have problems putting full faith in others b/c over the years i have learned that the only person i seem to be able to depend on is myself, and i screw me over all the time. So if i can't rely on me, who can I? I have promise after promise broken all the time, so the promise of everlasting life, of something far greater than i can ever imagine, is such a stretch for me b/c I've never been able to put that kind of reliance on anyone. When i mess up, people don't come running to save me. Most of them don't stick around. (Please stop getting insulted and just stick with me for a moment. This might actually go somewhere. I know there are a few people who are always there for me) Where is this going...

I screw up a lot. I"m not going to lie and pretend i'm some poster child b/c quite frankly, i'm not. When i was a little girl, i was under the impression i was basically an untouchable, like a filthy nasty person who was just bad news. i was also under the impression that God only loved good people. Still, i went on the hunt searching for him whenever i felt like he might be around an untouchable like me. ( sometimes i feel things in rooms. It was easier as a kid to think that they were angels or God than the things i think of now...) After years and years of searching, i never found Him. I believed he must be out there somewhere but i couldn't find him. When i was 12, i stopped looking. When i was 14, i pretended that i stopped caring. My whole out look on everything was that at that time, I was too lost to be saved. I had heard sometime earlier that in heaven we get new bodies and i had a theory that those bodies resembled what we had done in our lives. By the end of freshman year i had a pretty colorful image of what i might look like. I didn't like it. What would God want with something right out of a slasher film? My freshman year i decided that i wasn't good enough and that this eternal life promise didn't apply to me. So i became quite angry. I realized just recently that it wasn't God i was mad at for not making me something acceptable, but that i wa mad at myself for becoming something short of glorious.

Can i be forgiven? I didn't always think so. Again, sometime in my childhood i concluded that i was a screw up and it really was all my fault and that nobody should ever have to forgive me because nobody ever would. Its hard to live like that, with nothing and noone to believe in. Its hard to wake up in the morning and think to yourself, "how will i be an embarrasement today?" I hated living that way, but i accepted it. I've never been one to argue about my own abuse. I've always been pretty self punishing. Sometimes worse than others.

When i was fifteen, my friend Kathleen over pestered me into going with her to youth group. I went. I don't remember the lesson. I don't even remember if there was a lesson that night. I wasn't going for the lesson, i was going so i could tell her i hated it and never ever come back again. That night i met some really wacky kids. One stuck out in my mind, Miah. Miah was a funny kid. Kind of a mix between Ev and Cameron. I've never thanked him for giving me a reason to come back. He accepted me in ways that most of Kathleens friends couldn't do off hand. They later came to love me, but not like Miah. I'm glad he did b/c i started coming regularly. Eventually, i started looking for not just the God i thought i had lost, but the Christ i had heard so much about. Eventually, i found them both.

I still worry that He will forget about me, even though i know otherwise. I stll have problems accepting that i am loved fully and unconditionally and that i can't do anything to make Him get sick of me like i have with so many people in my life. I still have problems letting go of all my issues and letting Christ handle them. I am very paranoid and in my situation, its not okay to let things go and let someone else handle it all. Someones got to take control or it all falls apart, and i seem to be the only one willing to stand up and take responsibility. So to all those people who want me to just let it all go, i can't do that yet. Theres too much to let it all go.

I'm getting baptized on Sunday. It would be nice to be a fully new person when Nathan pulls me back out of the water, but i don't expect it. That change has already occured in me, just over two years ago. I don't doubt that it will do something to me, though i don't know what, but i don't expect a major change. I'm still going to have these random rants and ramblings, but dispite my paranoia, i know that God loves me and that Christ died for me and that i have been forgiven. Forgiveness... its crazy stuff, so out there to me. For more reasons than i care to explain (due to the fact that this journal is officially making no sense) getting baptised, i think, will be tough for me. It shouldn't be, but there are things, people i'm going to remember... it will be a challenge.

The hardest part for me was to decide to do it. I fought with that for literally years, but i'm excited and i think i'm doing the right thing. I have no doubt in my mind that the right person will be baptising me. I mean people say that it doesn't really matter WHO does it, but i think, to an extent, it does. Mostly b/c i'm a sentimental freak. Blah, my words are starting to get all confuzzled. I'm doing the right thing and i know the right person is going to be there with me. Thats all that really matters.

I'm not too lost to be saved
I haven't been forgotten
I'm not unworthy of forgiveness
I can't save myself and my salvation isn't going anywhere
I still want to be a better person

What great things to remember for Easter.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

So, Tyler is trying to torment me. He tells me yesterday (thats right, i mix and match my tenses) that he and Ryan have come up with a present for me, and we all know how i react to surprizes... so i asked him if i would live through it. He guaranteed life, but also the possibility of emotional scarring, which only make me more eager to know what it was. And i have discovered. They will be performing for me a reinactment of the "Foxy" scene in Waynes World. THe best scene in the whole entire world. Garth is probably my favorite tv person (was my celebrity crush for years you see) and i love that scene. So, Ryans gonna (maybe) put on a ratty blonde wig and Tylers gonna pull out the old baseball cap and classic rock tshirts, and they're gonna do the dance for me. Joy!!! Its even greater b/c its so out of Ryans character, and it took me so long to convince him to do it. I'd be emotionaly scarred if they didn't now. I am such a dork, but i care not.

I went to the lake last night with Chad to watch lightning. It was creepy, like something out of a movie, and after a while the lightning was so close to the water that it was becoming a hazard to our health to stay any longer. (you could feel the bolts in your chest.) and then fmpd thought we were out doing drugs and killing people. I'm not a druggie.... and i don't kill people. Really. So we went home and ev was there and i felt so bad b/c i basically abandoned him for 30 minutes b/c people kept calling me. It was a bad day for girl trouble. This is the only real issue with being the only girl in your social circle. and since i hate women to begin with, i don't know. i think its the mom thing, thats why people will tell me thier relationship (or lack there of) problems. I do what i can, but i still felt bad about being an abandoner. Still, the night was good.

I have to go to lunch now, and pretend i can win my new battle. Guys who pay for stuff... *scary music here* what am i going to do? I leave now. Until we all meet again *bows*

Monday, April 05, 2004

Yesterday i got home from my ever so anticipated JCL state competition trip. All i have to say is that i hate bus trips...



Okay, so i lied. I took a lot home from the trip actually, and though i'm glad to be back, i'm sad to leave it behind.

It all started way too freaking early in the morning on Friday. I didn't want to go b/c i didn't want to leave here, but i'm glad i went. It began with hours of sitting next to Jessica on the bus ride there and chatting with her and the few people around me. I didn't have all my passage memorized so that was the event of the morning. Practicing with Sarah, whom i haven't talked to since the days of Latin 3. We watched Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, and Finding Nemo and recited most of the movie to eachother. Good times. We went to the mall to eat. Our little group consisted of me, Jessica, Ryan, someone wearing tye dye whos name has slipped my mind just now and a girl whos name has done the same (i feel really bad about this) We considered eating at hooters, but didn't b/c we just didn't. We ate at Romas.

When we finally got to the hotel, after an immensely long ride and my incessant urge to pee, we got our rooms. I roomed with Jessica and two girls i had never met before, Chealsea and Brittany. Fun times. And then it was off to Warren High School. More bus ride. There was chaos in the streets... No, we all had fun making fools of ourselves and playing card games and such with people i didn't know that well before we all headed off to our Pentathalon rooms, a test about Roman life and history and Reading Comp. that we were all required to take. All the people i had spent my time with thus far were either Latin 2 or 4 people so i was all by myself. I found my room and three people were there whom i'd never met. They came from a school on the other side of Texas. Emily, one of the girls, had dramatic interpretation that day, so i basically met one of my competeters. She was a nice girl, and another kid named Sean. Now he was interesting. We actually talked a really long time while we waited for the tests. (Rule number one of Latin people, we are always late. If it says one time, expect an hour or so of waiting.) We had a rather long talk about our beliefs. Not just religious beliefs, but all aspects of how we perceived what the world should be. He was a Christian, much further along in his walk than i am, but who isn't. Just the fact that i had the oppurtunuty to think about and discuss God helps. I learn best that way. We also delved into our outlooks on drugs, alcohol and even dating. That sounds weird, i know, but it came up somehow, i don't remember, and he was telling me what he thought should be a reason for dating, which i can't say i dissagreed with. His family had a history similar to mine, so we could talk about that and how it had affected us and shaped us as people. See, our beliefs in all aspects. It just so happened i had my mottoes test with Sean the next day, which was cool.

Then i had to go to lunch and find someone, anyone, whom i knew. I had a dramatic interp test in 20 minutes and the line was huge so i was freaking out. but i found people and ate and it was raining and i really wanted to go play in it, but alas, i had to do dramatic interp. Got to my room and immediately got nervous. I recited with Sarah, and then went to my own corner and paced for a while. The people i had spent the day with were looking for me (there was a dance that night) and sat in the doorway and watched me pace without my knowing it for a while. Good times. I did my thing and i was really nervous and my performance sucked, BUT i did the one thing i had planned on doing and i finished. I nearly forgot the last word, but i wasn't leaving that room till i finished. and i did. I found everyone afterward and we all sat around a table and chatted for hours. We also played a prophetic cell phone game.

The gist is, you make a prediction ( like, this person will be the first to die in a large orgie) and spin the phone, whoever it points to gets that particular prediction. It got really funny after a while. Andy wound up with a span of hundreds of new STD's that may have come from other animals, Ryan became a president gynocoligist who covored his wife in liquid latex for fun, Jessica was a transvestite dominatrix who would die in an orgie involving Andy, wDana was Ryans healthy latex covored wife, and me... I started my own line of underwear, became the first person to be sold on ebay, and was the mac daddy of the table. Basically, by the end of the game, i was sleeping with everyone in hour and a half shifts... These, among other things, were our predictions. Then we went back to the hotel where a lady got mad at us for not buying a pizza we didn't order and Jessica held conversations with me in her sleep...

The next morning we went for acedemic competitions and more Oratory stuff. A large group of us played more card games i think... and then went to testing. Ran into Sean in my testing room and he really needed some sleep. Took my test, it was hard, thats all i have to say about that b/c then i went to use the bathroom ( i had to pee every half an hour this weekend...) eventually found people, played more card games, got my ass beat in egyptian ratscrew by Ryan and Andy... Had lunch which was really bad, watched the volleyball. The other team beat us like 20 something to 4, but considering they were all atheletes and we were all dorks... i think we did really good. Jessica and i spent the vast majority of the time at the school together. Chatted for hours about stuff. We all joined in a huge game of big booty by the grading room (accedental, i promise) and Magistra was laughing at the weirdos playing big booty in the halls. you should have seen the look on her face when she realized half of them were her kids... We got two younger kids hooked on the game and at one point some people who obviously knew the one kid came by called him a queaf (spelling.... you know what i don't want to know) and slapped him in the face. That made me so angry. I felt like chasing the kid down the hall and kicking his ass right there. what even gave him the right to talk down on another person like that? What made him any better? Nothing i could see. This kid next to me, the one who was hit, shrugged it off like it was nothing, but you could see it in his eyes, he was hurt. I saw it, this was something that happened to him more than once and he was hurt. I was boiling over with anger, but a lot of it was that i was hurt too. This was a prime example of the world and an even better example of why i don't want to be a part of it. I watched this kid walk away as though he had done nothing at all and watched this kid next to me whos rights to simply exist had been taken away and i was reminded why we needed a God and why we needed a Christ and i felt very lucky to have that. I felt lucky to be surrounded by people who liked me all weekend and i felt lucky to have no real enemies and i was hurt that not everyone gets that. it brought me back to grade school, when i was in that position and i felt all those old feelings again and i felt so blessed to have something so different from that old life and i was so upset that this kid couldn't feel like that.

The rest of the time at the school went by slowly enough. We went to a talent show which was both amazing and hysterical and i found a cell phone and turned it in to a sponsor who i don't think ever turned it in like she said she would, so i felt bad about that, even though its not really my fault. Waiting for the bus, my JCL group got involved in a rigorous game of big booty where the punishment for messing up involved spelling your name with your butt. People sometimes messed up just so they could. We got to the bus finally to head off for assembly. It was at this time that we met up again with Ryan, whom i had kept my eye open for but had not seen for many many hours.

We got to assembly and as must be expected from a bunch of Latinites, the actual meeting started an hour and a half late. i spent most of the nearly 4 hour meeting talking with Ryan, who was an interesting person if i might add (though i kept wanting to call him Allen...) So we learned a bunch about eachother and they gave awards and blah blah blah. Sean and Emily both placed in the top 4 for the competitions. i was happy for them. Well, the assembly was long, as i have said, and i kept having to pee, as i have said, so along with our conversations, poor Ryan had to listen to me bitch for 2 hours about how bad i had to pee. At the glorious end of assembly, we piled back on to the bus to go find a place to eat and ryan and i chatted a whole bunch more, and i was really tired so i had to fight not to fall asleep b/c thats just not nice. Then we all made the mistake about talking about dreams and he said that some dreams we don't remember b/c we can't really handle them. I dissagreed. i wound up describing in great detail a dream about a person who... i don't want to get into it, but it woke me up to say the least.

We all ate, it was good, and the buffet place was not happy about having to feed 70 teenagers.... YAY. Back on the bus, going to the hotel.... good times. i was under the impression i was being flirted with, though i've never been good at telling such, but Jessica agreed with me. I didn't worry about it though. I didn't have to. I am mind bogglingly happy with where i am right now and i wouldn't do anything to make that go away and such anyway, so i didn't ponder over it a whole long time.

I have to leave soon.

I went to bed way too late Saturday night and thus, was dead all of Sunday, and am still recovering. My brain hurts. I fell asleep once on the bus ride home, but someone woke me up. Good times again. All in all the trip was fun and i'm happy about what i took home from it and such.

I'll elaborate more still when i get home. Gotta go now.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

I'm sure if i really wanted to that i could post something deep and meaningful, some wonderous quote that opens the eyes of those all around the world. I’m sure if I wanted to I could do astounding things. I’m pretty sure that at some point I even had something deep and meaningful to post, but I lost it somewhere… in my head… bubbles… And herein lies the problem. I have nothing to really speak of.

Rumor has it (actually its not a rumor, someone told me such) that my journal was depressing, and made them cry....

finish later.

I return ;)

Where was I? Oh yeah, my journal is depressing. Sorry about that. Really the only time i ever feel an urgency to write is when i'm really really sad or quite happy. Usually, i'm not comfortable trying to explain why i'm happy about something. Little things make me smile and others find it simply annoying that i let them in on it. My joy is obnoxious therefor my journal must be depressing. Not really, but it sounds cool.

I've been having some neat conversations with Daniel/Dan the man/Dan himself... lately. About the conspiracy that is Sams Choice and my incredible medical history. I like talking to him. He's got some great things to say. I have hiccups. I got them during BCIS and interrupted my whole class in the middle of a test we were taking. They were loud and rather impressive.

I'm excited and nervous about state. I hope I don't make a complete fool of myself like i did at area. You probably won't hear from me again until Monday. Deal with it. I should be finishing up my passage. i'm not. Instead, i am going to waste the time of you, the reader...

(x) - you've done / (_) - you haven't done (the following):

(x) been dumped
(_) dumped someone
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(_) had a threesome
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(_) been tied up (sexually)
(_) been caught masturbating
(_) broken an arm
(_) had a one night stand
(_) had sex with a member of the same sex
(_) been arrested
(_) stolen parents' car
(_) made out with a stranger
(_) stole something from a job
(_) celebrated new years in time square
(_) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend - i don't do this unless absolutely necessary
(x) had a crush on a teacher - i'm sure i have but can't remember who...
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(_) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
(_) skipped school soley to smoke pot
(_) slept with a co-worker
(x) cut myself on purpose - this is not something i'm proud of. nor is it something i do anymore
(_) been drunk
(_) smoked pot
(x) popped pills (not tylenol) - not really popped pills, but i did take way too many sleeping aids once
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex - not like, kissed them, but it was a litte joke between me and a friend
(_) crashed a friend's car
(_) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(_) had anal sex
(x) been in love
(_) had sex
(_) had sex in public
(_) had sex at the office (but only with my husband)
(_) been engaged
(_) been married
(_) gotten divorced
(_) seen someone die
(_) been to Africa
(_) tasted my own sexual fluids.
(x) slapped someone I loved
(_) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(_) Flown somewhere to attend a show/festival/fetish ball
(_) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Have been fisted and/or fisted someone else
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(_) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been snowboarding
(_) Had sex at a friend's house when they were throwing a party)
(x) Been moshing at a concert
(_) Eaten deer meat
(x) Made someone bleed, on purpose - i don't remember this, but it is said that i have done such
(x) Had dirty thoughts about one of your best friends
(_) Had dirty thoughts about someone you've never met

looking back, i don't know why i put this in here... This is actually a horrendous questionairre... And looking back on it, i'm not that great of a person... Amazing how these things will bring those parts of you out without you ever even knowing it. Notice how i try to justify my stupid actions by saying i don't do them anymore. Does this make it any better? Not likely. I still did them. And now that i have shamed myself greatly, i will go pack.

Until we meet again, i bid you adieu.