I tried to kill my pain but only brought more (so much more)
I lay dying and i am pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved, am I too lost...

My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
return to me savlation

Do you remember me lost for so long
Will you be on the other side, will you forget me
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved, am i too lost...

My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation

(I want to die)

My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied
Christ
Tourniquet
My suicide

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A rather unpleasent problem i seem to have is belief. I believe in Christ and what he did for me. My problem lies in all that leaving it to Him stuff that i'm so very not used to. I have problems putting full faith in others b/c over the years i have learned that the only person i seem to be able to depend on is myself, and i screw me over all the time. So if i can't rely on me, who can I? I have promise after promise broken all the time, so the promise of everlasting life, of something far greater than i can ever imagine, is such a stretch for me b/c I've never been able to put that kind of reliance on anyone. When i mess up, people don't come running to save me. Most of them don't stick around. (Please stop getting insulted and just stick with me for a moment. This might actually go somewhere. I know there are a few people who are always there for me) Where is this going...

I screw up a lot. I"m not going to lie and pretend i'm some poster child b/c quite frankly, i'm not. When i was a little girl, i was under the impression i was basically an untouchable, like a filthy nasty person who was just bad news. i was also under the impression that God only loved good people. Still, i went on the hunt searching for him whenever i felt like he might be around an untouchable like me. ( sometimes i feel things in rooms. It was easier as a kid to think that they were angels or God than the things i think of now...) After years and years of searching, i never found Him. I believed he must be out there somewhere but i couldn't find him. When i was 12, i stopped looking. When i was 14, i pretended that i stopped caring. My whole out look on everything was that at that time, I was too lost to be saved. I had heard sometime earlier that in heaven we get new bodies and i had a theory that those bodies resembled what we had done in our lives. By the end of freshman year i had a pretty colorful image of what i might look like. I didn't like it. What would God want with something right out of a slasher film? My freshman year i decided that i wasn't good enough and that this eternal life promise didn't apply to me. So i became quite angry. I realized just recently that it wasn't God i was mad at for not making me something acceptable, but that i wa mad at myself for becoming something short of glorious.

Can i be forgiven? I didn't always think so. Again, sometime in my childhood i concluded that i was a screw up and it really was all my fault and that nobody should ever have to forgive me because nobody ever would. Its hard to live like that, with nothing and noone to believe in. Its hard to wake up in the morning and think to yourself, "how will i be an embarrasement today?" I hated living that way, but i accepted it. I've never been one to argue about my own abuse. I've always been pretty self punishing. Sometimes worse than others.

When i was fifteen, my friend Kathleen over pestered me into going with her to youth group. I went. I don't remember the lesson. I don't even remember if there was a lesson that night. I wasn't going for the lesson, i was going so i could tell her i hated it and never ever come back again. That night i met some really wacky kids. One stuck out in my mind, Miah. Miah was a funny kid. Kind of a mix between Ev and Cameron. I've never thanked him for giving me a reason to come back. He accepted me in ways that most of Kathleens friends couldn't do off hand. They later came to love me, but not like Miah. I'm glad he did b/c i started coming regularly. Eventually, i started looking for not just the God i thought i had lost, but the Christ i had heard so much about. Eventually, i found them both.

I still worry that He will forget about me, even though i know otherwise. I stll have problems accepting that i am loved fully and unconditionally and that i can't do anything to make Him get sick of me like i have with so many people in my life. I still have problems letting go of all my issues and letting Christ handle them. I am very paranoid and in my situation, its not okay to let things go and let someone else handle it all. Someones got to take control or it all falls apart, and i seem to be the only one willing to stand up and take responsibility. So to all those people who want me to just let it all go, i can't do that yet. Theres too much to let it all go.

I'm getting baptized on Sunday. It would be nice to be a fully new person when Nathan pulls me back out of the water, but i don't expect it. That change has already occured in me, just over two years ago. I don't doubt that it will do something to me, though i don't know what, but i don't expect a major change. I'm still going to have these random rants and ramblings, but dispite my paranoia, i know that God loves me and that Christ died for me and that i have been forgiven. Forgiveness... its crazy stuff, so out there to me. For more reasons than i care to explain (due to the fact that this journal is officially making no sense) getting baptised, i think, will be tough for me. It shouldn't be, but there are things, people i'm going to remember... it will be a challenge.

The hardest part for me was to decide to do it. I fought with that for literally years, but i'm excited and i think i'm doing the right thing. I have no doubt in my mind that the right person will be baptising me. I mean people say that it doesn't really matter WHO does it, but i think, to an extent, it does. Mostly b/c i'm a sentimental freak. Blah, my words are starting to get all confuzzled. I'm doing the right thing and i know the right person is going to be there with me. Thats all that really matters.

I'm not too lost to be saved
I haven't been forgotten
I'm not unworthy of forgiveness
I can't save myself and my salvation isn't going anywhere
I still want to be a better person

What great things to remember for Easter.