Ever find that some days its harder to let go than others. You fill in the blank. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about, just that it happens. I wonder why that is. Why one day I can find it nearly impossible to let go of something, while on another day, even though I don’t want to let something go, its not exceedingly painful. That happened to me yesterday. He fell asleep in my arms and while I was lying there listening to him sleep, I couldn’t help but feel like a traitor. I’m not going anywhere. I meant that when I said it, but at the same time, does seriously considering Oregon make me a liar? Is that still leaving him? I thought about this for quite some time, and the harder I pondered it, the more painful it became. The longer the thought stayed on my mind, the tighter I wanted to hold on to him, until eventually, I couldn’t bring myself to let go. And the thought still lingers in my mind. Am I a traitor, a liar, a tease even? If I leave here, am I breaking my promise, not even a promise, I just don’t want to be anywhere else with anyone else. If I leave here, even though I’m still with him, am I in turn leaving him? It doesn’t make any sense, I know, but if even logic haunts me, what’s to stop irrationality from seeping through as well? I am being irrational, I know. And I search for answers, but I think I’m looking for them, and if I’m not content with the response, I forget that I ever found it, and so I’m just blindly chasing an answer that I found so long ago, its not even looking for me anymore. I wish I were a stronger person. I wish I were a more stable person. I wish I could become that on my own, but I know I can’t, and I’m still too afraid of absolutely nothing to take a leap of faith so great as to take matters out of my own hands. What am I so afraid of? What does this have to do with my initial thoughts. Nothing. And everything.

“No time permits to open up, when you’ve been hiding thoughts so strong
she’s been holding out for an angel to come along
no reply from the sky, but she just keeps looking up
she just keeps looking up”