Jesus told me to come here and Judas says it’s a lie, and maybe I’m doubting Thomas, but only when Peter denies that its going to be a long way home from here

I’m sure this has nothing to do with my ability to make decisions, but nonetheless, that’s what I think of. I can’t make little decisions, or if I can then somehow its that I won’t and I’ve just convinced myself otherwise. I hate that about myself. I can think for myself, I know that I can. I make important decisions all the time. I beat myself up making them , but it always gets done, but oh when it comes to something as simple as a movie. You want to know what happened last time I was in charge of movie choice? The ticket lady picked the movie. That’s right. I couldn’t choose. I have issues taking control and making those choices and so what do I do? I let everyone else tell me what to do and even though I know who I should be listening to… I don’t. Thus making something insignificant last forever.
I was told recently that I could never become my mother, that I’m much stronger than my mother ever was. I’m not so sure about that. Yeah, my moms a strong lady, but like we all do, she falls a bit short. Namely in the aspect of making her own choices. I am turning into my mother. I am my mother. That scares me. I have nightmares about living my moms life. I worry that I’m going to end up like my parents. I worry that even if I find someone with whom I have this unimaginable bond and it couldn’t get any better, that somewhere along the way it will change. And even if I am blessed one day with that amazing closeness and love that I never believed I was worthy of or headed for, I’ll end up with here future. I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want her life yet here I am, inching step by step into her existence.
I’ve got it pretty good, all things considered. I have been blessed with someone that my mom never even got close to imagining. Sometimes I worry that it’s all a nice dream and that I could wake up at any moment in a nightmare, left only with that knowledge that the life I thought I had was nothing more than a nice dream. Sometimes I don’t want to go to sleep b/c I’m afraid that the dream will change. I mean, honestly, how long can a dream last? Sometimes I worry that the life I think is the dream world is reality and I’ll wake up and it will have taken over. I don’t have pleasant dreams. I’m pretty sure that this is reality, but sometimes I hover around the what ifs. I’m a little paranoid. I don’t think I have to worry, but I could screw up at any moment. I’m not going to go and get painfully stoned and sleep with three random strangers or anything, but there are so many openings for me to screw up. Its all I’ve ever been good at. I guess that’s not entirely true… I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I’m rambling.
What if my inability to decide turns out to be my fault. My tragic flaw. I’m not a hero I know, but I could easily have a tragic flaw anyway. Just b/c I said so. Maybe I am to someone, I don’t know. This indecision thing really is beginning to become far more annoying and hurtful than I care to have as a part of me. I want to change. Do you have any clue how hard that will be for me to do?

Living in houses buying the bricks that build these walls
Raising the layers, brick upon brick to make you whole
Take a look, you’ll see this place is desolate
Everybody is hiding in their perfect little houses
Building from the inside with no way out
And I don’t want to scare you
But I think that you might like to know
That every brick you lay
Is just another day you spend alone
And I don’t’ want to scare you

AND I PROMIS YOU THAT I WILL BE BRAVE, I WILL BE BRAVE
And I’ll let them hear what you have to say
What you have to say

Hiding I n the cracked foundations
Praying that no one can see
Fortress ourselves in the great delusions
In our animosity
Follow this assembly line until your face is undefined
Until your name is meaningless
Until you cannot recognize why you began to build this place
Why you started from the inside out
Why you didn’t build a door for God
Why you didn’t build a door
And I don’t want to scare you
But I think that you might like to know
That every brick you lay
Is just another day you spend alone
And I don’t want to scare you

AND I PROMISE YOU THAT I WILL BE BRAVE, I WILL BE BRAVE
And I’ll let them hear what you have to say
What you have to say

And tear this down and tear this down

AND I PROMIS YOU THAT I WILL BE BRAVE, I WILL BE BRAVE
And I’ll let them hear what you have to say
What you have to say

And I don’t want to scare you
But I think that you would like to know…
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