Sometimes it seems to me like my whole high school existance is being smashed up, stuck in an envelope and shipped off. And where might my very lifes final destination be? Eugine, Oregon. The source of my sporadic midnight depression. The very reason i sometimes set my cd player on "So i need you" and think of where i was just two years ago and cry myself to sleep. I'm tired of this life. Oregon has nothing to offer me that i can't find here, in middle class suburbia. Hate it though i might, i have found, not a home, i'll never have a home, but something to settle comfortably into. And that is about to be snatched away from me, and carried off over 2,000 miles away.... to Eugine. I want to settle. I want to be able to come to a home after college classes and call up a friend to ramble on and on about some professor and the project i'm procrastonating on. I won't be able to do that. I won't have the Friday thing. I won't have close relationships. They'll all be slipping away, while i'm rotting in Eugine... I'm unhappy.

There is one thing bothering me to no end. As is anyones fear, losing my best friend. Unfortunately, along with my best friend is the love of my life. You see, they are the same person. I'm terrified. I've never been in a long distance relationship before and the thought of not being able to see his face everyday kills me. THeres so much more to it than just looking at him of course. Its everything. I"m going to miss out on all the little aspects of his life because i will be too far away to see them or to experience parts of them, and i hate that idea. I don't want to miss out on being able to hug him when he's not feeling so great, because i love doing that. I live for trying to make him feel all right. There are things i am accustomed to that can't happen from that distance. Even talking won't be the same. I think he's getting a little weirded out that i stare at him constantly. I just want to have something to hold on to. Memories aren't the greatest, but they will work. I have begun to memorize every moment. I can play them in my head like a good movie. I'm strange and a little creepy i know, but i'm scared. What if the distance is too much? I'm not afraid that the distance will make me love him any less. That can't happen. I don't know exactly what i'm scared of. Distance tests you, thats for sure. I just don't want to fail the test... I'm freaking out over nothing. I shouldn't even bother with this right now. I ought to go on and enjoy the time that i have left. Its not just him i'm afraid of slipping from. Its everyone. I"m afraid that the same thing will happen that happens every time i have to start over. Even the strongest bonds will break under enough pressure. Can i handle the pressure? Can they?

As anxious as i am to know what the future holds for me, i'm equally as anxious to freeze the now and hold on to it forever. I almost don't want to know where i'll be in six months. In a year. In a lifetime...