i don't understand

I've learned that in my time on this earth, there is a lot that i simply cannot comprehend. God is an enormous one. It seems that everytime i go to bible study, i find something new that i do not quite get. It could be that i am a very new and kind of stupid believer. In fact, you could call me biblically illiterate. Its all part of the learning process. I tell myself that every time, yet it does not become easier knowing that i do not understand. I started a huge thing today (not for the first time i assure you) about not understanding a seemingly infantile concept. I understood half of it, but not enough to go home satisfied. Thing is, its not even a concept that was part of tonights lesson that i didn't understand. And i have made a promise to myself not to sit back quietly with that stupid grin on my face every time i am confused. I only make things harder for myself in the end. But, anyway, push comes to shove and i'm a little clearer now.

One thing i cannot grasp. How can God have such love for humanity? Just think of it. Out there, far beyond mans reach is a Being so powerful that He created the universe itself. He created each and every one of us and knows our very hearts. He understands those parts of us that even we deny b/c we don't understand them. He knows how absolutely corrupt people are, and loves us unconditionally anyway. He can do anything he sees fit to do, anything we could ever imagine, and far greater than our minds can grasp, and yet He gives us the freedom to do whatever we want to do. He gives us the freedom, even, to deny Him. This is a concept that i am so far away from because it is a very inhuman characteristic. If man could make anyone they wanted to love him, just imagine what people would do. Thats a power we can't even dream of, but God possesses it, and doesn't use it... Its totally beyond me. The things Christ endured at the expense of me, of you, of everyone... He was nailed to a cross, hung there for hours and bled and hurt and sufficated and eventually died all so that i didn't have to suffer and burn and be all alone... Rose again, can you imagine, resurected himself, so that i had someone to help me in this life. I can't even imagine dying the way he died for millions of people who would spite me and hate me in the end. I would like to say thats something i could do, but i just don't know...

Well, that was random. yeah. I'm rather tired right now. Should be sleeping, but i'm not. I will. All in good time. My moms birthday is on Friday and i don't know what i'm going to do for her. I'm so bad to my mom. The woman, I swear, she's insane sometimes, but she's got to be a superhero, all the things she manages to do. Its beyond me. She is strength. She has to be. K, I'm going. I know you want me to.