Yesterday afternoon i went with a large group of people to a girl at churches birthday party. Clemency played. I was looking for a link to thier site, but i don't know if they have one and after doing a search and finding only brazilian death metal, i'm not sure if they do. Calling a death metal band clemency seems a bit ironic to me, but that could very well be the point. It was fun. I spent a lot of time spinnig around in circles both by myself and with claire, which was fun, and tiring, probably part of the reason i woke up closer to 2 in the afternoon. Wes, one of the mid school leaders, was there. He has been gone for a couple of weeks and it was good to see him again. I respect Wes quite a bit. No, I don't know him as well as most of the people in the youth group probably do, but he really does go out of his way to make people feel welcome, especially if he knows he can do something to help them. Something is bothering him. i dont' know this, but i can see it.

I was something short of unstable yesterday, so yeah, Josh and Chad, sorry about that. Lot of stuff that was really bothering me that they didn't seem to understand what i was saying and i couldn't comprehend what they were saying and then everyone gets frustrated and people start with the yelling at me and then i don't want to talk about anything anymore, but they hunt me down anyway and i talk and talk and cry like a two year old. I swear, every time Chad said something that would normally make me smile, it made me cry. I"m so obnoxious like that. I always have been. Once i get started, you can't cheer me up again. All my happy memories make me painstakingly depressed when i get like that. Apparently, yesterday was something short of a joyous occasion. Even after i calmed myself down, i was playing Glycerine with Chad, and the words made me want to cry. I'm just ... stressed out i suppose. I don't know.

But i have some options, and i'm sure i can find a flaw with every one...
FAFSA
Brent McKinneys house
Lara Zepps house
Live on my own, but screw college
Find a nice bridge

Okay okay, so the last two are not options i'm horrendously fond of, but it makes my list look longer. Chad told me to be happy because i have two more months, two whole months... but at the time i didn't see the point in spending two months smiling and making myself happy if it was all going to be gone in the end anyway. What would be the point? Yesterday I remembered what the point was. I do have some time, that cursed man made concept... but i still do have some, and theres no guarantee that i will lose everything. Thats not to say that i'm not still scared out of my mind, but there is never a guarantee. Yeah, i know, i almost sound optimistic. Believe me, i'm still hurting, but i'm working on it. I don't want to spend the rest of my time wasting it so that i can spend the rest of my life regretting it. I need to go shower, seeing as how i just need to.