Should i stay or should i go now

The word of the hour is drained. I am absolutely, numbingly lacking in anything necessary for me to function like I’d want to. Last nights conversation with Ev was something short of a joyous occasion. The subject matter, the absolute slaughter of my very ability to smile right now, Oregon. He didn’t know a whole lot on the matter, and though he says he does, I don’t think he wants to hear anything about it. I know I don’t. The reason that I am so painstakingly numb today has everything to do with the subject matter of the conversation. I’m confused. I heard the phrase that I have been dreading since…. I’ve been dreading it… “I don’t know if I can handle another one.” By I, I mean Everett, and my one I mean long distance relationship. Can you say bullet through the soul? Yet, he goes on to say that we will make it. We will live through it. I wonder if he means together, or something…. Else. I know I’ve turned this into more highschool drama, and I hate drama, but forgive me for being scared. The thing about this move is that I don’t see much to gain. If I stay I risk watching my future slip slowly away. If I go, I risk watching him slowly slip away. I want neither. What I want is a comfortable medium. What I want is to wake up in the morning and ,even though I don’t ever think I’m going to be happy with my surroundings, to be happy with what I could see worth seeing…. This isn’t coming out like I had planned it to. The words didn’t sound that bad in my head. This is sickening me.

We left on a good note last night, but I’m still afraid. I don’t want him to have to go through the things he went through in his last long distance relationship, but at the same time, my selfish side wants to hold on and never let go. I can’t make him not feel if its going to hurt, I can’t make him happy if he’s not. I can’t do the things he deserves. I’ve always known this. I can’t be the wonderful person he ought to have, the stable person he deserves. I try to be all the greatness I’ve always known he should have, but it seems that no matter how hard I try, I fall short every time. My life is too much of a fucking soap opera to give him stability, and he knew that from the start. Even as a friend, I had little to offer him and he stuck by me anyway. I’m not the greatest girlfriend either, I fear. Yet, for more time than anyone else has been able to tolerate, he has stuck by me. I’m afraid that maybe the distance could be too much. I don’t want him to hurt, and if he’s going to, I don’t want him to feel obligated to stick by me. I don’t know what to think. I’m not really sure what he wants. I wasn’t clear on it, but whatever the case may be, I want him to do what’s going to make him happy, and if it’s something that’s not quite what I was hoping for, I will compromise my own selfishness, no matter what the cost. I’ve got to learn to be more selfless anyway.

I’ve been trying not to take this one all in my own hands, but its hard. I’ve been trying to trust God with all of it, but this has been one of my biggest struggles in my walk, putting myself out of control of the problems. Even before I became a believer people told me that I had a hard time letting things take their course, that I tried to play Jesus too much, which I can’t see as a bad thing. Aren’t we supposed to strive to be more like him? I always thought so, but at the same time I need to be able to trust Him fully. Often, I have problems with this. I worry too much. I’m working on it, but its not an easy battle for me. I was raised fending for myself, dealing with my own problems, because lets face it, my moms amazing, but she simply couldn’t bear my burdens and hers and still walk away at the end of the day alive and half sane. I can’t depend on my dad, and many, many people out there aren’t the most trustworthy. People’s intentions often fall short of honest. That’s not to say I trust nobody nor that I don’t trust Christ, its just a difficult battle for me. I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this anymore. I’m going to listen to more 12 Stone, even though I know that with my mood being something short of joyful, this is a bad idea.

I’ll be alright in an hour or two… I just need time to evaluate, time to calm down my emotions, or to block them out entirely… I know I can’t do this, but I can dream… I suppose.