You have problems

"You have problems."
"I have problems?"
"You do everything any one ever tells you to do. That is a problem."
"Well, i didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite other people into MY problems. So, come on, tell me whats wrong. What do they do to you?"
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"What kind of problems do you have?"
"He can't think for himself."
"She's right."
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"I don't know stress? You think I don't know stress? Well then fuck you! Fuck you. Do you know why i'm here today? DO YOU? I'm here b/c Mr. (what was his name) found a gun in my locker."
"What was the gun for?"
"I tried...Stupid elephant, when you were supposed to pull the trunk and the light comes on. My light didn't come on. So i considered my options..."
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"Stupid, worhtless, lazy, no good, freeloading son of a bitch asshole... You forgot ugly, and disrespectful.."
"Is that for real?"
"you wanna come over some time?"
"i don't believe you."
"No."
"no?"
"do i stutter"
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"Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are. Have you ever been felt up, under the blouse, over the bra...."
"Do you want me to puke?"
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I have problems. I don't even know where to begin with the multitude of problems that i can't likely fix. First off, i have an unhealthy obsession with writing about shards of glass scattering across the floor.... I am also sexually frustrated. But lets not go into that today.

I loved the Breakfast Club. I still don't know why they called it that, but i loved it. Mostly, I think, because i related to the characters so much. Where to start... Allison (don't get on my case if these aren't perfectly accurate words. i know they aren't) I involve people in my problems, and then i throw them out of it when i realize that they might just want to help me. Is it to make them feel sorry for me? I don't think it is. I hate being pitied about as much as i hate being envied (thats a lot)So why do i do that? To prove that somebody does in fact care? To prove that i exist, even if the only way i can get that way is through tragedy. Nobody will turn down trauma. I think sometimes i do that.
"sporto" I can't make my own decisions. Plain and simple, everyone knows it. I think i am horrendously afraid of makind the wrong choice, of making other people very unhappy. I'm afraid to act on my impulses in the chance that i should do something someone else doesn't like. This causes many a problem in my relationships b/c they always get sick of having to innitiate everything, but i... i won't say can't..... don't find myself able to do it right now. I'm not comfortable with myself, especially if its something someone else has done to them at some prior point. I don't want to have something to be compared to if i have no experience.... My big sex paranoia. I have this fear of my first time being with someone with prior.... experience... I don't want to have to live up to someone else, and the thought of my looking like some stupid naive little kid with a partner who has experiences that i dont..... it bothers me. I can't think about it too hard. I can't make my own decisions. I can't act on my own impulses. I can hardly think for myself. I just agree with other people. Thats not to say i can't make my own choices. i just find it easier not to.
Brian. In a few words, i am a drama queen. I get stressed out so easily sometimes, and i'm a bit self destructive. Bad combination. I honestly think it may run in my family, self destructive tendancies... I've got to wonder though, if i was meant from the start to be this way, or if i had just held on a little longer that most fateful December night, how different would my life be. would these things have ever started? will they ever go away, or will they always be there in the back of my mind. I haven't advertantly acted on them since.... September, i guess. I'm still very hard on myself, if i don't do things just right, up to par on my own scale, i snap. I am a drama queen... of the worst possible kind.
Bender. In the way of my family life, i am very honest, and very bitter. It's unhealthy. Yet, the stories I tell, people think they know, but idon't think they really honestly believe me. (the drama queen thing) i think they assume its bad, but that i dramatize it, and so they don't really believe me. This is why nobody can help us. I can also be bitter, if not sometimes down right resentful to people who have those loving parents and great childhood memories that i had to make up in my head b/c i knew i would never have them. I'm a very angry person, and it radiates off of me if i don't watch myself.
Claire. Am i a virgin? Yes. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm sick of getting slammed for it, which can often times make me stay quiet about it, thus making people think that i don't want them to know. Maybe i have something to hide. What the bloody hell could i hide? I'm one of those damn virgins. That gets old. I'm also very cautious about my sexuality, what i will and won't do. Often times makes me look really naive. I hate that, being treated like a little kid for being a virgin and a little paranoid. It doesnt make me sick, but it scares me a lot, not really knowing what i'm capable of doing, or not doing or even how far my mind will go before i can stop it. A pretty entertaining psychological issue if i do say so myself. Thats enough talking about this.

As i said, i like that movie, a lot. I'm in a really weird mood today. I have been since the better end of saturday. I was sitting in bed and had this totally random but unshakable urge to die. Nothing i would act on, nothing i wanted to act on, but strong nonetheless. Appeared from nowhere. I think i went through a fourth of a bag of smarties... Old demons haunting me i suppose. Today (well sunday i guess) left me feeling bitter and vengeful for the better part of all day. Anger i couldn't deal with. I recall talking to someone about some of the stuff going on and i had a soda tab in my mouth and i got so angry i wanted to just jump up and snap. I felt violent. I chewed that thing to crap. You can't even really tell what it was anymore. I don't know what to do with all this rage. Nobody believes i have it, and if they do nobody thinks i can do anything with it. I'm too nice or to naive or too short or too whatever to be angry, thus making me angrier. I have a lot of anger and hurt in me that poeple refuse to see. Like they pick and choose the parts of my personality to accept and to hell with the rest. This is why i often feel invisible. Poeple don't accept but maybe half of me... Thats not me, thats taking away all the little faux pars that make me what i am. i only sort of exist.

I feel good right now. Everett has this uncanny ability to make whatever is killing me inside seem like its not so bad. This is a talent he has always possessed. i don't know how he does it, but just his presence makes the world seem like a less .... unruly place. He walked in Josh's door today, and i swear to you my mood skyrocketed. I worry sometimes that i'm a little sufficating to him. i have no reason to, just a paranoid thing i do. One of many i suppose. Its what i am. He made my day a lot better. Spending the day with Chad was awesome too, and he's so unbelievably good to me, always makes me feel loved even though i don't deserve it, Everetts just got a different....thing.... i don't even know. I've got to get to sleep before i kill the remains of my good mood. Listening to My Immortal.... Must.... Stop..... nope, not happening. I think i'll just go shed a few pathetic attempts at tears for the night and have some random dreams. Thanks for listening to me rant. Ta then