I should be doing something constructive with my time, but alas, I can't bring myself to do it. I'm currently recovering from a relapse of my sanity and have found that, just like old times, i have tried to express my rage, immediately followed by an attempt to stifle it entirely, and i am now exausted beyond recognition. I do not know how to handle rage, and nobody will give me any friendly pointers b/c i'm "such a nice person" who could never have any "rage issues." Well, i do. Deal with it. I"m sick and tired of being told who I am and who I"m not. I know quite well who i am. I've been following myself around for years taking detailed notes of my meticulous observations. This does not help me solve my rage issues. When i get really angry i have sudden uncontrollable urges to break things, scream a whole lot, and in extreme cases, hurt people. Apparently this happened when i was 15. I don't remember it. My mom tells me that one day my sister was bugging me and i just snapped. As the story goes, I jumped on her and started beating the life out of her. My mom had to wrestle me off and hold me down. She was so shocked that i could ever do such a thing because i was always such a nice girl who took beating after beating from my sister and never let it phase me. I was always such a quiet kid who never did anything wrong. How could i be capable of such unfiltered rage? News flash. Anger is unfiltered. Its irrational. It solves nothing. And its hard as all hell to get rid of. I only get mad like that at my house. Anywhere else on the planet, i have anxiety attacks. I'm defanantly a poster child for stability and amazingly untainted mental health... I"m feeling more calm now, after the better end of an hour being spent in a corner twitching and talking to myself. Fear not, its a typical reaction. I don't handle stress well, which is shocking b/c i'm subject to so much of it. You'd think i'd eventually go numb. What i need is a hug, a nap, and some sedatives.

Danny wants me to come to church on Tuesday. I"m skeptical. I"m plainly not wanted there, so what point do i make by showing up anyway? This, he does not understand. Yeah, you're all saying "well he obviously wants you there" Okay, i do have some friends who don't mind my presence, but its the people who can tell me not to come back that have. I feel so appreciated sometimes... Wes needs to be back now. He is good at making me feel like I might exist.

So apparently people that i didn't know were reading this... are reading this. Yeah, the only reason i really feel an urgency to figure out how they found out i even had a blog is because when people figure things out about me and i don't know how they got it, i get a little nervous. Just a paranoid kinda gal i suppose.

I wish i had a song to doom this thing with, but alas, my brain is currently stuck on "I refuse to think b/c i've been fried" mode. I should go do the dishes and my English project... and memorize my oh so exciting latin passage before... oh who am i kidding. I'm slowly tramsforming into a spaz case. Help me. I want to be different from what i've always been.