Yesterdays journal joyness...

Sometimes, I wonder if its not best for me to just be quiet in Bible study. I seem to stir things up in people. At the same time, its not always so bad to talk about stuff. At any rate, I should be sleeping, but i get to play relay messenger between my parents and when one is sleeping and doesn't want to take the phone, guess who gets to take the blame for it? Thats right, me, the one who's fault it isn't. People wonder why I blame myself for everything constantly. Well, why shouldn't I? Everyone else does. A few thousand people couldn't possibly be wrong could they? Jus think, if even the things that are in no way possibly my fault become my mistake, then the things that could conceivably have something to do with me must be painfully, astoundingly, entirely on my shoulders. How could it be any other way?

More childhood nostalgia... I suppose you could call it that...

I recall hearing stories about every day happenings and the explanations, I'm sure I interpreted them wrong, It always seemed to point to me in the end. I remember when I was a freshman my parents got into a fight about something or another and when mom went to work dad actually came into my room and told me that it was all my fault that they were fighting and that I was the reason they fought and never got along and the reason she was mad at him. And at the time, I actually believed it. I beat myself up so badly over that. To think that they didn't get along at all and I was the one to blame, I had always been the one to blame... No kid should ever have to live life believing that. Yet i did, and i treated myself accordingly. That was the time when i concluded that i would never know anything different in my life b/c i was bringing it all on myself. So i decided that i would never get married and i wasn't going to date because all I ever seemed to do was ruin lives. Occasionally, I still feel this way. That I burden those around me. I try my hardest not to feel that way with Ev, but since i have this mentality imbeded in my mind, and since he is so overwhelmingly good to me, here comes the paranoia that its all some dream i'm letting myself have and when i wake up I'll find what i always thought i was worthy of. I don't want to live like that. Its hard to go back when you know something so much better...

This has not been the greatest week for me. My mom and I, and I say my mom and i entirely subjectively, had a (rather one sided) confrontation today. She was on my case about telling someone to do something. And i tried to explain to her that I have no control over what others do because they don't listen to me. And there she was, not listening to me. At all. And so I continued for a short moment to grasp some sort of attention, to explain to her that what had happened was not my fault and that I can't change it on account of noone ever listens, and she pointed out that she wasn't really listening as if it were funny. I don't like being a joke, I don't like not existing, and I don't like every little thing in the world being my fault. I was begging for attention. So sue me.

Supposedly people notice that i take up some sort of space, and something more than that. That I am a human soul occupying this flawed little body. Supposedly every fault in the world is not on account of me. Supposedly I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be. Well, more often than i care to recall, I don't see the proof of this. I see no evidence of all these statements that people make to me. And its not necessarily that I don't believe in what i can't see, but some sort of proof has to exist and for every one time that the small handful of people who care enough to notice actually notice, there are 57 times behind it that proves otherwise. If you want to get logical, there are still those 1:57 odds. But when you get right down to it, it hurts. It hurts a lot. If I'm not careful (on weeks like the one i'm having) I let the hurt take over and i sink into it. I forget to remember that it can be different if i really want it to, and i forget how to pull myself back out of all the shit. I get sucked back into that feeling of being over run by toxic junk and i hate that feeling.

I'm too emotional. I need to learn to block those things out. Alas, i don't think I ever can...

Sorry, about another sullen entry. I'm not having the best week and its only getting better it seems. That was sarcasm. Apparently this is another part of my personality i have to get rid of. I'd rather not take everything so seriously, but apparently who i am isn't acceptable. Everyone else is allowed to be a sadist. Its funny, but just not when its me.

Someone talked to my mom about me possibly getting counseling. They are "worried" about me. Counseling has proven to be ineffective for me. School counselors try to lock me up, professional counselers don't want to see me again, church counselors don't believe a word I say. So whats left? Most of my problems stem from anger I don't know how to cope with, but noone believes that i have it. (With the exception, it seems, of one church intern who FINALLY believes me. Thank you, and I mean that in all honesty. Thank You.) And since noone believes me, i only become more frustrated and angrier and the vicious cycle is perpetuated. I just need to know how to cope. Thats all. Just someone who won't think I'm making up stories. I'm not. I've never made up a story about what happens to me as far back as i can remember. I'm not creating these things in my mind. Just someone who doesn't think i'm a liar. I never could have assumed this would be too much to ask for, but apparently its all i'm getting. Thats why i'm so scared to get any help. The fear that i'll just be pushed away and labeled as another phony, a liar. If there were someone out there who would consider that there is something real going on inside of me, I wouldn't be so turned off to the idea of talking to someone. I know i need help. i always have. I remember thinking "This isn't right. I should get some help." as far back as 6 years old. But noone ever believed me. I was always the liar, the naughty child. I've got a reputation with no conceivable evidence of such. But I suppose its something i'll have to handle on my own. I guess I'm doing alright. A little shaken here and there, but alive nonetheless.

I should really mention something happy now... Now that i've probably either killed a few good moods or irritated some people.
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Oh, I know. My thirst for God hiatus is finally on hiatus. The only problem, I want more of Him, but I don't know where to look. I'm absolutely itching to get more of Him in my life. Its showing up in random ways. I don't know if i'm just being played with, or if the questions i'm being asked have an honest searching behind them, but i'm willing to answer how i can either way.

I'm excited about the baptism. The closer it gets, the more i anticipate. and the more scared i become. Why? Nobody really knows. Its just best not to ask.

I got a secret letter from a different college girl this week. It had a bible verse on it that really made me think after the night we had
~*therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.*~ Matthew 6:34

I'm tired now and should thus try to sleep. On such a note, I bid you adieu.

Adieu.