Well, with no real job or activity to be a part of, no silence to allow me to truly sleep in, and no reason to stay up past midnight, I woke up this morning at the crack of 9:45 o' clock, and the day couldn't be passing by any more slowly. So, I've been back and forth between organizing my room for the constantly impending but never quite getting itself over with move, and procrastinating doing said things. I tried to sit down and figure out what to pack and what to send with my parentals (which is most of my stuff... meh*shrugging*) and I got nowhere b/c I'm just lazy... and it makes me a little sad. I always envisioned myself graduatinghigh school and galavanting off to live in some dorm all by myself getting a higher education and living off of ramen noodles and kool aid, and working somewhere really really cool, like a club, or a music store, later at night, just because I like it. And I would defanantly be driving. But things worked out a little differently. Instead, I'm getting ready to watch my family galavant off somewhere else, and I will stay in some very generous peoples house until I can scrape up the money for a cheap apartment I won't get shot in. I work one morning a week taking care of toddlers in a Bible Church, and well, I can't drive at all. Not that i'm complaining (about everything but the driving... and the three hour a week job. Thats not working either...) Its just nothing like I had planned it. Not that thats a bad thing really. Though I could defanantly see myself in the record sales industry, like in Empire records. Such a good movie...

I tried to get all my loose photos and such into albums. Took me an hour between the number of photos and my lack of willingness to do it. And now I know I need to go get all the crap off my floor. But I figure, I have a week. I'll get it done. Thats the mistake they all made. I defanantly function better on a time crunch. Not that I'm rich in time or anything, but you know what I mean.

My mom and sister can't seem to get along at all right now. They fight more than ever. Maybe its just those sweet sixteen mood swings kicking in. I had those once, except I was 14... Not the point.

Wow, I have nothing to talk about... just, wasting time... so unbelievably bored, and its hard to think, at the end of all my boredom, I won't be thrusting myself back into the madness of high school, but I will have to think about shoving myself into the chaos of college life... someday.

"I thought it was for real but I guess its no big deal..."

 
Well, I assumed I would be dealing with incompetent movers today, like every move, but the packers changed the day to next Thursday. I was hoping that the end of the week would come so that I wouldn't have to think any more, or deal with accusations from the family units, but that would be giving me a break that I obviously don't need or something. (For once, I don't think I was being sarcastic...) So I took atvantage of the time. Dispite the fact that I can't sleep well b/c my walls are now sickeningly blank... my sister and I made rag dolls of each other today to remember each other. They are the ugliest things in creation, but its the thought that counts. I am going to miss this, dispite all that I really won't miss that much. I still have Ericas cd, which I really need to get back to her... but how? Oh that is the question. So, yeah, I got nothing. No inspiring song lyrics, no month long, novel type rants. Today I just am. And thus, I depart you.
*Dances of into the distance after, of course, bidding you a most sincere adieu*

So, now that you have seen amazing music (???) my time has come to scare you off with my ranting...

My dad showed up yesterday. He sat me down today to talk. He told me that I should go with them, that things will be different, that he is going to get marriage counseling and make us a family. That he can't justify all the things he did, but that he is willing to change.

"You know he's just lying right?"

Yes, I know this.

"I don't want you living with that asshole."

Yes, I know this.

"You made the right choice."

...

Have I? I want to think so, but its so hard to think i'm doing the right thing when my whole family thinks i'm ruining my life and thier lives and the lives of those who will be helping me.

"I think you might just be staying because you will miss your boyfriend."

Yes, I will miss him if I leave, but is that incentive enough for me to stay behind? No. I can't take it anymore. I can't handle any more of the drinking and the screaming and the having to call the police on my parents all the time. I can't stand being the mistake any longer. I'm sick of wondering when someone will die, and I'm so tired of beind angry all the time.  I'm tired of being filled with all these overwhelming, and not so pleasant feelings. I'm sick of being alone. I'm tired of being a mistake.

I don't want to hurt people. I can't win... I never win. Someone will get hurt either way I do it. What is best for me? I thought I knew. I've prayed and prayed about it, and I thought I got my answer, but the guilt is eating me alive from the inside. Does that mean I've made a mistake? How do I really know whats best? How can I know that things have changed.

"I know you don't like me but..."

I never said that. He is my dad, and will always be, but i'm so tired. So unbelievably tired of this...

"These are things a parent is supposed to do..."

Why, then, after 18 long, sickeningly lonely years, is he suddenly concerned with being a parent? I'm so confused.

My mom thinks i'm going. My dad thinks i'm not. Everyone thinks I'm wrong. No one really cares what I want, not that it matters. I can't have what I want, and yes, I do wish things had worked out differently. I wish I could trust my family. I wish I could decide. I wish for a lot of things I never get. I just hope, for once, that i'm making the right choice...

I have recently been introduced to an amazingly beautiful song. By Slipknot, of all the groups in the world. I was never much fond of Slipknot, but thier new album has made quite a turn around. And so, I introduce you to Vermillion Pt. 2

 
She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame.
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through the cover in me
Id do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I dont know what to do,
I dont know what to do when she makes me sad.
She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I dont know what to do,
I dont know what to do when she makes me sad.
But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
A catch in my throat
Choke, torn into pieces
No, I dont want to be this
But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
She isnt real
I can't make her real
She isnt real
I can't make her real

Wes is back. That makes me happy. Apparently i've had a happy expression all day, about which i'm pretty happy since I don't want to make those around me think i'm heinously depressed all the time. I was there once. Its not that great. I don't suggest you try it. Speaking of things you shouldn't try..... I'm painfully sick of the high school drama. Thats all my social life is filled with any more. Drama. People getting mad at other people for no reason at all. People totally disrespecting thier friends and themselves because they are too stuck in thier own nonexistant rut to see how beautiful they really are. People acting like they aren't bothered by something that is plainly hurting them. People and thier irrational decisions and even more irrational reactions. People who just don't seem to understand that there is a whole world out there beyond all this pointless high school drama that they are just creating for themselves. Life is not one great big pity party and I wish people would recognize that. Theres too much stuff out there to make yourself sick over choices you know were wrong and relationships that you know won't last and throwing yourself at the feet of whoever walks by you in an attempt to make yourself look worse than you really are rather than greater than you could ever imagine, which of course, you are. Too much "I hate such and such because I have no justified reason and want to take ownership over people, which I have no right to do, but i'm going to do it anyway, because maybe if i'm scary and obsessive they will love me" I'm sick of the drugs and the sex and the bitterness, and the backstabbing, and the never ending fighting, and the facades, and the disrespect for self and others. I'm tired of it all.

On the other hand, i'm happy that my existance has had a significant (oh, and by the way, good) influence on at least someone. Thats all I've ever hoped for is to make someone elses life a little better. Supposedly, i've done that and I never even realized it. That makes me smile, dispite all the stupid crap i've done.

And I'm also really happy that Wes is back.

i thought about what you said
and i'm not sorry for a thing
you do not understand thisor what it means to me
cannot discard this as emotion
this is more than another passing stage
you'll have to prove it's just opinionin defense of everything this is my everything
could it be that you have stumbled
tripped and fallen over something more than faith
could you prove yourself
this is a matter of life and death
would you step up to the line
but please don't just talk this time
i want what you ask of me
i want what you ask of me this time
step up to the lineaction begs reaction
what is left to be said
anything less has all been done before
to put to rest what you've been wondering
if you could take my life
would you still ask for more
I though about what you said
something occurred to me
you wouldn't ask me to turn my back on anything
if you believed that I believe
truth is I would love to show you
take "faith & works" to another higher stage
so there is little time for words you've heard
life and death are only steps, I'm not afraid of what comes next
what is enough in your opinion
perhaps my death would bring some substance to my claims
vanity of vanities this
life, love, art & sex
each breath you breathe is grasping at the wind
He is my everything
we cannot both be right
about right and wrong
and God and man
right and wrong and God and man
i want what you ask of me this time
please step up to the line
He's my everything
action begs reactionwhat is left to be said
anything less has all been done before
so put to rest your wondering
if you could take my life
you'd still ask for more ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
Why are they all mad at me? Why are they trying to guilt trip me and make other people feel like shit on behalf of my choice? I don't get why this has to be the way it is. My brother begged me to stay yesterday, and stopped talking to me when i said no. Does he have no idea how fucking hard it was for me to say no to him? It seems like I'm that kids only hope lately, and I'm just leaving him alone to rot in all the filth. My mom is using the fact that I'm staying to guilt trip my dad out of being what he is. Why do I always have to be the reason that the family is falling apart? Why does everything always have to come back to me. I want to live my own life, and I can't even do that because I can't go now, and I can't stay forever. Its all driving me absolutely out of my mind. I can't talk to my mom about it, the one who promised she wouldn't get mad about my choice, because she is mad about my choice. I can't talk to my sister because she feels like i'm abandoning her. I can't talk to my brother because I've already hut him too much, and I can't talk to my dad because he doesnt care anymore. Everytime I pick up the phone its like i'm some unforgivable mistake that he can't bear to consider as his daughter, as something he created.

So, all in all, should I be sorry for my choice, should I shut the door on a shot at freedom? Should I give up on everything I've ever said i believed in? Should I do something, anything at all? Should I forgive and forget one last time in hopes of regaining the family I never had to start out with? Should I let go of everything? Should I go, dissapear from this place and be my siblings strength one more time and never get away from that toxic dump? Should I even consider it.

Somewhere, deeper than I can fathom, no matter how badly I just want to take the easy way out and deal with the shit, as hard as it is for me to just let go of my "family", as much as I want to be there to make it all better like I always knew I never could, some where, deep down inside, I know I can't back out now, not when I've held out this long, not when i've made it this far.

Join in, Team up
Get strong, Keep on
Lets celebrate, Celebrate
Thanks be to God

 
The insanity of Music Camp has come screeching to a halt, and I slept in till noon, abruptly awakened by the ear splitting, pain causing sound of.... a ringing phone. I hate phones.  Well, the kids did thier performance last night and all went well. I think they actually did pretty good for having 5 days to learn it all. I loved it. I'm such a weird person. I spent the whole week with people between the ages of like 6 and 13, listening to them make fun of how they were taller than I am, and I loved it. The only real downfall is that I still hear those songs in my sleep and probably will for months to come. Move is coming up. To say the least, I'm scared out of my mind. I'm afraid I'm going to change my mind last minute, which I don't want to do, but I'm suck a weak person anyway I'm wondering if I can keep myself in check. Everyones mad at me for the choice I made.They said they wouldn't be, but I knew better from the very start, and I was proven right. Its chaos in the streets. And now, left with very little to chatter about, I bid you adieu. *more polite bowing*

Whats YOUR favorite country?

My deepest apologies for not updating recently. I've been running around like crazy, and when I'm not busy i'm falling asleep in random places... hearing Music Camp tunes blaring through my head like a radio I just can't turn off. Music Camp started this week. My small group includes 16 4th grade boys. But thus far its been pretty fun. I"m enjoying myself. Todays theme thing was different countrys. I made a shirt with a whole bunch of countries listed on it. Hence the quote... Ugh, I'm so unbelievably tired. I'm too old to get up at 7:30 in the morning. I have to clean things and do stuff and sleep till later on, so i'm going to frolick off, but rest assured, I"m still alive (as you have obviously discovered)

Well, I must admit, I thought I was going to die these past couple of days, but now, I'm feeling great. Still a little dizzy if i lie down for hours, but i'm feeling a whole lot better. Somehow or another I managed to accumulate Strep... about which I was extremely unhappy. Anyway, i'm not dead, and doing better, which means now I have no excuse to avoid the evils of doing dishes. And since I don't have anything to talk about since I have been secluded to my room for days... I *bowing ever so politely* bid you adieu.

Today went far better than some of my other days recently. Yes, I was feeling lazy and tired, and yes, I got mad at Chad for all of two minutes for yelling at me for complaining too much... which I do, so I was deserving. Yeah, I got annoyed with stuff, same old same old. A lot happened today. I'm filled with a lot of contradicting feelings right now, none of which are angry though, so its still okay.

I went to work and got to feel what its like to be a three hour mom to twins. I won't say its a feeling i hated. I'm sure its just so good b/c they aren't my kids. I love my job, and I'm really excited about music camp. I never went so I actually have no idea what to expect.

I went to the Dallas Film Festival with Everetts family today, and I loved every minute of it. Yep, even the short film that abused naughty words to all extremes. I've always wanted to be a part of a family, like an actual family... that didn't hate each other, and I can't think of any other place I've ever felt more wanted, almost like a member of the family, even though, technically i'm not. Speaking of which...

I got an offer today, one that I almost wanted to say yes to the moment I heard it. One that I desperately wanted to say yes to, actually, and I might have, but at the same time...
My little brother just walked up to me a few moments ago and asked me if when we move to San Antonio, if we would spend more time together because he feels like he never sees me anymore. Obnoxious or not, he is my brother. I practically raised that kid since he was two. How do I tell him no? I'm living somewhere else for a little while means i don't want to see you anymore to a nine year old. How do I tell him no? How do I explain that another family member who said they would always be there is about to flake out on them too? How do I explain that I won't watch him grow up and chase away all the girls and protect him from all the shit he's growing up in?

Thats why when Everett and his family put up the offer for me to stay with them for a while, I couldn't answer. I'm skeptical about living with Sam, and I don't really think Mrs. G will enjoy me around, crazy as she knows I am. But these people know me. They know in ways others cant what a nut job I am and still ask me to come back... I could get into this now, but I already can't see through my stupid lenses...

Thats why when the offer was made I wasn't sure wether to start jumping and singing, or run in a corner and hide.

Everett is a beautiful person, and if you don't like it, skip this paragraph. We spent a bit of time tonight in almost total silence, not really talking, just looking at each other. I can't even begin to describe all the greatness I see in him. I don't even know where to start. All I have to do is look at him, think about him, and like magic, things will be okay. In an instant, my whole future morphs into something great. In a split second, my future is nothing like my moms and all the things that are wrenching out my insides and just killing me will be okay. Call me a girl, a pansy, whatever. I don't care, because before I even know whats hit, I've seen 18 years of pain transform into a lifetime of wonderful things that haven't even happened yet, but I still feel so different anyway. I don't care what anyone says. I was blessed far beyond what I could ever begin to deserve, but there he is anyway. And while I might die extremely curious, if the world ended right now, at this very moment, I could still die happy.

But since I don't see an apocolypse in the near future ( I know, who am I to guess) I have a decision to make. But I can't make it...

So today, all at the same time, I am sad, nervous, torn, lost, confused, absolutely in tears, and scared shitless, but I have never, ever been so happy.

This is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places you have come to fear the most,
is the places you have come to fear the most.


I'm doing a little better than I was last night. Still sad though. Still feeling weepy and whiney and clingy, but no longer mean and angry. I've stopped thinking so hard about all the nothing I was so mad about, now all thats really left behind is guilty feelings at the thought that I could be like that. I'm a little flustered to. Much of my problem lies in that I'm hiding from the future and unknowingly living in the past. I do that. I waste today thinking about yesterday and worrying about tomorrow. I waste so much of my life trying to figure out how to be a part of it and to run away from it all at the same time. I can't have both. Even when I thought I could, I was only decieving myself.

But tomorrow will be different. I'm going to get up at the ass crack of dawn and go to work and be crazy about those kids because I'm going to miss them so much. THen I'm going to spend the afternoon adding the final peices to my dress and i'm going to go to a film festival and be so unbelievably proud of Everett and not just for his animation acheivements and I'm not going to have one horrible thought all day.

So what if i'm low on hope? Who says I can't dream.

"you're standing on a ledge, and it looks like you might fall
but you're so far gone that you can't see the hands outheld to catch you
and you wait your turn to fall..."


I can't sleep. I was close to dreamyland, but suddenly out of nowhere, I was bombarded by a wave of unpleasant feelings. Now suddenly I feel like screaming and crying and breaking stuff and just over all nastiness. I feel all tied up inside and I'm overwhelmed by things I can't control and I'm hurt over things that aren't any of my business anyway, and I'm feeling selfish and mean and I want to get angry over things I don't have the right to be angry about. I feel like I'm suddenly out of control, a caged beast and my chains are breaking. I want to scream things I know I will regret right after I say them, and I want to not care at all. I feel like dissapearing and not caring who I hurt in the process and I feel like pretending I never cared to begin with. Out of nowhere, I've been overwhelmed by this wirlwind of absolute lunacy. I feel like ranting about all the temporary things bothering me, though I know this feeling will go away in the long run. Yet, somewhere, I just don't care. I'm feeling like I want to think the world revolves around me and I want to change history to my liking, even though thats wrong. I'm feeling needy, even though its nothing like me to be so. I feel like people are pulling on my brain, horrible people, telling me what I should do, telling me what I should forgive, forget, and never let go of. I feel like those horrible people just murdered whatever decent person lie in me.

I know the feeling will pass, but it drives me crazy when it comes around. I spend so much time ignoring everything that hurts, and it all attacks me in the middle of the night, and I just freak out. I know on the outside it seems like I'm alright, but what if, deep down, I'm just plain crazy? What if, deep down, theres something horribly wrong with me? What if that horrible part of myself that I absolutely hate takes over one day?

I think I might be stressed out about something or another.

Today, I learned a very valuable lesson about where I leave my sewing needle when I'm moving around my room.

I was sewing some more today, and needed to lean over to get something, so i stuck my needle in the carpet like I always do. THen I crawled forward to get something or another. I don't remember what I needed now. I never actually got it. To say the least, I heard a crunch, and froze. When I looked down I didn't see anything, so I felt my knee and there was my needle. I figured it was stuck to my skin, so I brushed it but it didn't move. I leaned my knee up only to find the needle in my skin and a pleasant looking bump where the eye of the stupid needle was about to make a grand appearance. The needle went about 1/2 inch into my knee. So I started screaming for Zepp to come pull it out of my knee and she had to tug on it twice to make it move at all. So after putting the dull and thick end of a sewing needle through my knee, I'm thinking I'm in a lot of pain, and walking should be entertaining for the next few months...

Now, I must admit. I am not a huge Dashboard Confessionals fan, but their most recent song, Vindicated, is good. I heard it yesterday while the credits for Spiderman 2 were rolling and recognized it on the radio just a half hour ago. The chorus, more than anything, makes me think. I would say I can relate to it, to some level. So, just because I love you, I bring you more lyrics. Enjoy.


Hope dangles on a string
like slow-spinning redemption
winding in and winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye
and roped me in
so mesmerizing so hypnitiizing
i am captivated
i am vindicated
i am selfish
i am wrong
i am right, i swear i'm right
i am flawed
but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
so clear like the diamond in your ring
cut to mirror your intention
oversized and overwhelmed
the shine of it has caught my eye
and rendered me so isolated
so motivated
i am certain now that
i am vindicated
i am selfish i am wrong
i am right, i swear i'm right
i am flawed
but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in my now the things you swore you saw yourself
so turn up the corners of your lips
part them and feel my fingertips
trace the moment, fall forever
defense is paper thin
just one touch and i'd be in too deep now
to ever swim against the current
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip against the current
so let me slip away (4x)

i am vindicated
i am selfish i am wrong
i am right, i swear i'm right
i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed, but i am cleaing up so well
i am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

slight hope
it dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption



Everett made an observation about Spiderman maybe half way through the movie. He leaned over to me and said, "I see, he needs love to function." How true. In that instance, Spiderman was even more human than Peter Parker. He seemed to do just fine without some sort of love, but Spiderman, now Spiderman nearly died everytime he tried to deny that he needed love, that he needed M.J. to even function. People need love to survive, to function, to even have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. 99 % of the people who don't want to wake up every day feel that way because they feel like nobody loves them. We are programmed to need an intimate love to survive, even if its not a romantic intimacy. I liked that about the movie, besides the fact that it was Spiderman and the movie was made wonderfully, the girl in me always did like a nice romance... (don't tell) If you deny who you are, you fall apart, and people are wired to need to be loved. Thats why Christ's love is such an amazing thing. Thats why the love of another person is such an amazing thing. I spent years thinking I didn't need it from anyone, and those were some of the single worst years that I can remember.

"i am selfish i am wrong
i am right, i swear i'm right
i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed, but i am cleaing up so well
i am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself"

Not to mention that this week, DC is just reading my mind...

Memories consume like opening the wounds
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream...
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean...
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright...
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more than any time before
I have no options left again
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream...
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean...
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright...
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
Cuz I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
and this is how it ends...

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream...
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean...
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright...
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight, I am confused, angry, guilty, irritated, ashamed, relieved, flattered...

I don't understand why it is, but I have come to realize that my friends and I, we all treat each other like shit. Every waking hour of every day we do horrible things to each other and say terrible things behind our backs, then face each other as if nothing ever happened. I hate it. I was getting so irritated with it today, because we really do. We treat each other like absolute crap. We spread rumors and make jokes about each other. We use and abuse each other, and get mad about it, even though we do it anyway. What sickens me the most is that I am just as guilty as the people I feel angry at. I am a hypocrite wether I realize it or not. We've all got so many problems that go unsolved and build up all this tension and hatred, and I am just as guilty for adding to all these piles of garbage around us because I am just as silent. i want to speak up, but how do I tell people that I love with all my heart to shut up because they are bugging the bloody hell out of me? I can't. I have to go about it with love, because I love them, but its so hard sometimes not to have a screaming fit. I'm angry at myself because when my friends gang up on each other, I sit back and watch them tear each other apart silently, and then turn around and do the same exact thing to the very people I'm angry at. This is not right, and I have to change it. I have to find a way to make others see it. We are supposed to be friends, not a gossip circle.

Onto the better feelings of the night...

I was not raised like a lot of little girls I know, nor like I would want my own little girl to be raised. I was not raised to believe in things like hope or trust. I was not raised to believe in true love, everlasting love, or the existance of love in general. I was not raised to believe that I could be treated like a princess, or that I was beautiful, likeable or tolerable. Nobody ever explained to me that I was worthy of a relationship that didn't involve broken bones or broken spirits, that lacked fear and fighting, that involved respect and honesty. I was not led to believe that I could ever have the attention of a guy, rather, I would have to share that focus with a bunch of other women. I was not raised to think that my values or standards meant much against a mans. I was not raised to think very much of myself at all, nor was I lead to believe that any relationship I would ever have stood a chance. So how did I manage to recieve all the things I am such a stranger to? I won't say that my thoughts have completely changed on the matter. A few months can't change 18 years of mind control, but I can say that atleast I am opening my eyes and tryig to see things in a new light. I want to be something, and I'm slowly starting to realize, with a little help from someone showing me all the things I never thought I could have, that I'm not doomed to the same sick fate that I've witnessed for my whole life. Maybe I am something after all. Maybe things can be different from all that I ever imagined. At least now I'm trying.

I've changed a lot in the past few years. I've noticed that lately. I am a vastly different person, which happens as we grow up. I'm glad, dispite all my flaws, that i'm at least growing up a little.

While sitting on a hill by the road wathcing things blow up with my mom, siblings, a great friend and a wonderful guy is fun, it can't quite compare to the shows I went to when I was little. We used to go to the show in Tampa every year over the bay. they would set off so many fireworks and I'd sit up on my dads shoulders and My sister and I would scream because it was so loud and you always went home with holes in your clothes. its not quite the same as the show I went to my freshman year with my bestest friend at the fair. WE rode rides till we got sick and one of the vendors even convinced this guy to get down on one knee and beg her for a dollar and he used it to buy an inflatable hammer to hit us with. Her mom forced me to make all these mundane decisions and my brain almost exploded and the fireworks show was freaking amazing. I amwaus thought the saturn shaped ones were so cool, and then I saw one shaped like a heart with an arrow through it and one shaped like an american flag.

Watching that show from a distance will never compare to all the times in Florida that my dad bought bum loads of huge fireworks and almost set the neighborhood on fire every single year with a black cat that was a fluke or some roman candles that tipped wrong.

I'm not so sure that mosquito bites can make up for burn marks.

But still, dispite the fact that its not the past, I still loved it. It didn't have the grand explosions I've seen in past shows, but I was still impressed, it didn't have the same sentimental value as past times, but it's got new ones for me now. I got to spend the day with people I love and be reminded, if only a little, that even though my government doesn't really care about what happens to me, the lower middle class, I can still wear a pro life shirt without jail time, I get to practice my religion without fear of being killed, I get to choose who to I want to spend my life with. The government won't help me, but I suppose it could be so much worse.

But..... ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.

Heres my quote of the day.

"Don't stop to look at the clock
Forever won't be long enough"

Ever feel that way? That forever just isn't enough time? I do. Forever isn't long enough, not even by a long shot, and I have a month.

You ever wake up in pain but still get that feeling that it'll be a good day? I love RPG's. I actually got to play d&d with the guys last night, till about 2 a.m. Now, I am really tired, but i'll live. My character... is short. And not just short, because I'm a halfling, and they are short by nature, but i'm like an undergrown midget halfling. A mind boggling 2 foot 8 inches. I am the shortest character possible in the game. What are the odds? Oh right, I'm freakishly short, and its just my nature. But its so much fun, I always manage some unlikely move. Last time I tore a chick in half with a short sword through the back, this time I annhialated a hobgobling, and I only rolled a 4... my stats and such, are actually pretty good. I have to do the room clean thing today, and then hopefully get to go visit evness, who seems to be doing so much better. My dress is closing in on completion, and i have insect bites on my arms and fingers.. I also managed to get a splinter walking up James' stairs yesterday. But that banister is like wrought iron or something. How did I manage a splinter? Just my luck.

On a less appealing note, unless I manage to accumulate a glorious miracle, I will be moving at the end of the month. Joy.... But i'm not thinking about that right now.Right now, I have to shower, clean up, and add more scraps to that pathetic ball of material I call an article of clothing.

I didn't get to see Everett yesterday. i wanted to, but I wound up leaving the house and he didn't know and wound up coming over anyway and I wasn't home and I got home way later than I had planned and then I tried to call him up to see how he was doing and my parents wouldn't get off the freaking phone until well after I fell asleep. I was supposed to go somewhere this morning, thats why i'm up so early. But that plan fell through and I think I'm going to hang around today, atleast for a little, mostly b/c i didn't get enough sleep last night, and so i'm going back to bed for a short time. I'll probably try calling again later this afternoon, when he's concious again. I wish i'd have been able to get ahold of him yesterday.

Onto a slightly related topic, i've finally figured out what it is about the book o' pictures that don't suck. It is my book of beautiful things. and so, i need quotes, lyrics, random words of sorts.... that have to do with beauty. I'm filling the inside and back covor with them. I have nine so far.

onto a completely unrelated topic,.,.,., when I was 8ish years old, I watched a movie of some sort in school, and the lady in the movie was sweeping her dirt. I don't remember what it stood for, but I know it had some sort of meaning. Apparently I agreed with it or something b/c that weekend I started sweeping my dirt. My dad got mad at me for sweeping the dirt and not the floor...