Today went far better than some of my other days recently. Yes, I was feeling lazy and tired, and yes, I got mad at Chad for all of two minutes for yelling at me for complaining too much... which I do, so I was deserving. Yeah, I got annoyed with stuff, same old same old. A lot happened today. I'm filled with a lot of contradicting feelings right now, none of which are angry though, so its still okay.

I went to work and got to feel what its like to be a three hour mom to twins. I won't say its a feeling i hated. I'm sure its just so good b/c they aren't my kids. I love my job, and I'm really excited about music camp. I never went so I actually have no idea what to expect.

I went to the Dallas Film Festival with Everetts family today, and I loved every minute of it. Yep, even the short film that abused naughty words to all extremes. I've always wanted to be a part of a family, like an actual family... that didn't hate each other, and I can't think of any other place I've ever felt more wanted, almost like a member of the family, even though, technically i'm not. Speaking of which...

I got an offer today, one that I almost wanted to say yes to the moment I heard it. One that I desperately wanted to say yes to, actually, and I might have, but at the same time...
My little brother just walked up to me a few moments ago and asked me if when we move to San Antonio, if we would spend more time together because he feels like he never sees me anymore. Obnoxious or not, he is my brother. I practically raised that kid since he was two. How do I tell him no? I'm living somewhere else for a little while means i don't want to see you anymore to a nine year old. How do I tell him no? How do I explain that another family member who said they would always be there is about to flake out on them too? How do I explain that I won't watch him grow up and chase away all the girls and protect him from all the shit he's growing up in?

Thats why when Everett and his family put up the offer for me to stay with them for a while, I couldn't answer. I'm skeptical about living with Sam, and I don't really think Mrs. G will enjoy me around, crazy as she knows I am. But these people know me. They know in ways others cant what a nut job I am and still ask me to come back... I could get into this now, but I already can't see through my stupid lenses...

Thats why when the offer was made I wasn't sure wether to start jumping and singing, or run in a corner and hide.

Everett is a beautiful person, and if you don't like it, skip this paragraph. We spent a bit of time tonight in almost total silence, not really talking, just looking at each other. I can't even begin to describe all the greatness I see in him. I don't even know where to start. All I have to do is look at him, think about him, and like magic, things will be okay. In an instant, my whole future morphs into something great. In a split second, my future is nothing like my moms and all the things that are wrenching out my insides and just killing me will be okay. Call me a girl, a pansy, whatever. I don't care, because before I even know whats hit, I've seen 18 years of pain transform into a lifetime of wonderful things that haven't even happened yet, but I still feel so different anyway. I don't care what anyone says. I was blessed far beyond what I could ever begin to deserve, but there he is anyway. And while I might die extremely curious, if the world ended right now, at this very moment, I could still die happy.

But since I don't see an apocolypse in the near future ( I know, who am I to guess) I have a decision to make. But I can't make it...

So today, all at the same time, I am sad, nervous, torn, lost, confused, absolutely in tears, and scared shitless, but I have never, ever been so happy.