Memories consume like opening the wounds
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream...
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean...
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright...
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more than any time before
I have no options left again
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream...
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean...
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright...
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
Cuz I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
and this is how it ends...

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream...
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean...
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright...
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight, I am confused, angry, guilty, irritated, ashamed, relieved, flattered...

I don't understand why it is, but I have come to realize that my friends and I, we all treat each other like shit. Every waking hour of every day we do horrible things to each other and say terrible things behind our backs, then face each other as if nothing ever happened. I hate it. I was getting so irritated with it today, because we really do. We treat each other like absolute crap. We spread rumors and make jokes about each other. We use and abuse each other, and get mad about it, even though we do it anyway. What sickens me the most is that I am just as guilty as the people I feel angry at. I am a hypocrite wether I realize it or not. We've all got so many problems that go unsolved and build up all this tension and hatred, and I am just as guilty for adding to all these piles of garbage around us because I am just as silent. i want to speak up, but how do I tell people that I love with all my heart to shut up because they are bugging the bloody hell out of me? I can't. I have to go about it with love, because I love them, but its so hard sometimes not to have a screaming fit. I'm angry at myself because when my friends gang up on each other, I sit back and watch them tear each other apart silently, and then turn around and do the same exact thing to the very people I'm angry at. This is not right, and I have to change it. I have to find a way to make others see it. We are supposed to be friends, not a gossip circle.

Onto the better feelings of the night...

I was not raised like a lot of little girls I know, nor like I would want my own little girl to be raised. I was not raised to believe in things like hope or trust. I was not raised to believe in true love, everlasting love, or the existance of love in general. I was not raised to believe that I could be treated like a princess, or that I was beautiful, likeable or tolerable. Nobody ever explained to me that I was worthy of a relationship that didn't involve broken bones or broken spirits, that lacked fear and fighting, that involved respect and honesty. I was not led to believe that I could ever have the attention of a guy, rather, I would have to share that focus with a bunch of other women. I was not raised to think that my values or standards meant much against a mans. I was not raised to think very much of myself at all, nor was I lead to believe that any relationship I would ever have stood a chance. So how did I manage to recieve all the things I am such a stranger to? I won't say that my thoughts have completely changed on the matter. A few months can't change 18 years of mind control, but I can say that atleast I am opening my eyes and tryig to see things in a new light. I want to be something, and I'm slowly starting to realize, with a little help from someone showing me all the things I never thought I could have, that I'm not doomed to the same sick fate that I've witnessed for my whole life. Maybe I am something after all. Maybe things can be different from all that I ever imagined. At least now I'm trying.

I've changed a lot in the past few years. I've noticed that lately. I am a vastly different person, which happens as we grow up. I'm glad, dispite all my flaws, that i'm at least growing up a little.