Yeah, I've seen better days...

I posted three times last Sunday...

I have finally decided to update my template a bit to show you, the public, what I, the Shaye, have been reading. If theres anyone on there who doesn't want to be, tell me and I will take you off with very little fight.

Today, my mood was... yeah. I have been significantly better, but i've also been so much worse. I had urges to do things I long ago decided never to do again, but fought them off by writing, and staring into space, and a little bit of devine intervention (aka the phone rang and it was evness) The phone always seems to ring at my lowest points and its usually a voice I want to hear on the other line. Kinda strange. I spent today, plain and simply, in a rather unpleasant state of depression. Upon mentioning this to Chad, he seemed almost irritated with me for feeling the way I did, which wether he did or not, I don't think he had any just reason to feel that way. Quite simply, I am fresh out of hope. I've got just enough faith to get me through but no hope left to really get me out of it. It all started when I carted my moms plants out to my dads car so he could go back to San Antonio. I was overwhelmed by unbearable hopelessness. You see, my family is moving there, which I promised myself I would never ever do, not just because I don't want to, but because I just can't. I've tried to see it any other way, but I know that nothing will change. and now I'm out of options. I can't seem to get a job, I don't have a car, there are no affordable apartments in the area, I don't think Chads parents are too fond on me living there... I'm out of options. My mom got angry with me today for not wanting to go. She told me she wouldn't force anything on me, but without knowing it, she is... And I'm lost, feeling pretty alone. so my only real option is to go, and move out if the fighting and breaking of things and abuse of innumarable forms still continues, like I know it will. Every other plan has fallen through, which I don't understand. Why am I constantly given just enough of a break, just barely enough to make me think that maybe there is hope yet, only to have it taken away again. Chad thinks its all part of a plan, that its building me up for something great and thats true, as I have recently learned, but again as i have said, my problem is that I don't like the plan. I can't seem to just let it be and I feel like I'm breaking down far more than growing up. I'm so angry inside. Angry at my dad for handling his problems like he does, angry at my mon for handling my dad the way she does, angry at my friends for not understanding, angry at the world for having hope, angry at everett for being so freaking amazing, angry at god for, well, being god... but none of this is really justified, so i have pretty much pushed it aside in the "ignore this and it will turn to dust" pile. I'm not really mad at anyone for any one reason. I'm just angry. I've lost a lot of the feelings that keep me going (hope, trust, courage, you name it)

I'm afraid that my relationship will suffer, if not come crashing down around me. And I'm scared that I'm going to hurt him. I know he will atleast try, but I saw what the last long distance relationship did to him. He didn't have to say a thing and I knew that it was killing him. I don't want to be the one that kills him. I don't want to be the reason behind all the hurt in someones life. He deserves so much more than that... so much more than I can possibly give him. Please don't give me that you're-too-young-to-know-anything crap. Those are the people whom I think are too old to remember anything. I know what I have, and I know i don't want to lose it or destroy it. I know that I want what will make him happy, but I also know that I'm selfish and want to get my way at any cost. I know thats wrong, and I know I've said before that I would try to be brave, even if it means facing an outcome I don't want, and I know that its hard to be brave when you feel two inches tall (no pun intended...)

What I don't know is how all of this will turn out in the end, but I wish I did.
I know that no matter how much crap gets tossed my way, I can deal with it.
I know that I don't want to deal with it, but I wish I did.
I know that the spaces in between the letters right now look like a bunny, an elephant, a y, a snake wearing a large boot, a heart, pacman, and an x.
I know that makes me sound completely insane.
I know that its one in the morning and I ought to be sleeping, but I'm not.
I know that at the end of the day, dispite my paranoias and fears, it was still an okay day because I believe the things he said to me, even if I do worry about what will happen.
I know I just had a major de-ja-vou, and I know I spelled that wrong.
I know that i'm tired, and I'm goint to leave this entry very, very unfinished now.