Fear not, simply more religous frustration on my part.

I went through a period of wanting to run out of the room screaming at the top of my lungs on Sunday night. I feel so little and insignificant in that room. There are just so many smart people who really understand all of this. I often feel pretty childish. But considering I'm probably the youngest person in the room, should this surprize me. Thats not to say I didn't learn something, not only about God, but a little about myself too. It starts now....

"Consider it great joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives genuerously to all, without finding fault and it will be given to him. But when he akss, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
James 1:2-8
Wisdom - accumulated learning, awareness of what is going on

I might be too exhausted to figure this all out tonight, but I'm trying. I've been trying to figure it out all day.

I've had my fair share of trials... I'm having them now. They keep me awake, yet I am told to find joy in this? I guess first I should understand that joy isn't necessarily happiness. Its like a bright sided realistic acceptance. (Well, the phone is going to ring again, and plans will inevitably change again, and its going to be hard, and hwile I could bitch, instead I'm going to choose to realize that crap happens and I will be a stronger person at the end of all this. All of what I assume to be sufferin will be used somehow. There is a plan, and I'm not struggling senselessly) This is such an easy concept, but likewise painfully difficult. Why? Trust. I have to trust completely and faithfully that God has this mess under control and does what he does for a reason. IfI can't graspt that, the rest is just shot. Faith is very difficult for me. An unrelenting belief in something that I can't prove against allimaginable odds. Some people find such faith easy to grasp, for the most part. God is in control. I never had it so easy. its a rare occasion when I can actually understand and deal with the fact that I just have to let the wheel go and allow God to steer. I want to have that kind of faith more than most people know.

So ultimately, if I can have joy, if I can let God be God, I can push on furthur, I can grow stronger as a person, toward that faith I so long for.

I think

I need faith to gain faith

Yet, wisdom must be pretty important as well, to be personally adressed. Wisdom is nothing more than learning through experience. In order to gain the wisdom you lack, you basically ask for pain, for trials so that you can better understand mercy? I'm still not sure about this one.

But the basic lesson here seems to be faith. I f you can't believe that God will help you, how can he? And if you just assume that you can get whatever you want, you rank yourself with God. If you play some back and forth, maybe - maybe not, split personality faith game, like I sometimes ... probably often do, you're just useless. The only way to overcome that is through fiath...

It seems that the answer to my greatest trial lies in my biggest struggle... If I can figure that puzzle out, the rest will fall where it should. I don't much care for struggle, but I am trying.


I'm probably way overanalyzing this, but i'm thinking, and thats probably, maybe a good thing. I'm going to go now. I"m out of words. tah