This is one time
that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
the refuge that you've built to flee
the places you have come to fear the most,
is the places you have come to fear the most.


I'm doing a little better than I was last night. Still sad though. Still feeling weepy and whiney and clingy, but no longer mean and angry. I've stopped thinking so hard about all the nothing I was so mad about, now all thats really left behind is guilty feelings at the thought that I could be like that. I'm a little flustered to. Much of my problem lies in that I'm hiding from the future and unknowingly living in the past. I do that. I waste today thinking about yesterday and worrying about tomorrow. I waste so much of my life trying to figure out how to be a part of it and to run away from it all at the same time. I can't have both. Even when I thought I could, I was only decieving myself.

But tomorrow will be different. I'm going to get up at the ass crack of dawn and go to work and be crazy about those kids because I'm going to miss them so much. THen I'm going to spend the afternoon adding the final peices to my dress and i'm going to go to a film festival and be so unbelievably proud of Everett and not just for his animation acheivements and I'm not going to have one horrible thought all day.

So what if i'm low on hope? Who says I can't dream.