So, now that you have seen amazing music (???) my time has come to scare you off with my ranting...

My dad showed up yesterday. He sat me down today to talk. He told me that I should go with them, that things will be different, that he is going to get marriage counseling and make us a family. That he can't justify all the things he did, but that he is willing to change.

"You know he's just lying right?"

Yes, I know this.

"I don't want you living with that asshole."

Yes, I know this.

"You made the right choice."

...

Have I? I want to think so, but its so hard to think i'm doing the right thing when my whole family thinks i'm ruining my life and thier lives and the lives of those who will be helping me.

"I think you might just be staying because you will miss your boyfriend."

Yes, I will miss him if I leave, but is that incentive enough for me to stay behind? No. I can't take it anymore. I can't handle any more of the drinking and the screaming and the having to call the police on my parents all the time. I can't stand being the mistake any longer. I'm sick of wondering when someone will die, and I'm so tired of beind angry all the time.  I'm tired of being filled with all these overwhelming, and not so pleasant feelings. I'm sick of being alone. I'm tired of being a mistake.

I don't want to hurt people. I can't win... I never win. Someone will get hurt either way I do it. What is best for me? I thought I knew. I've prayed and prayed about it, and I thought I got my answer, but the guilt is eating me alive from the inside. Does that mean I've made a mistake? How do I really know whats best? How can I know that things have changed.

"I know you don't like me but..."

I never said that. He is my dad, and will always be, but i'm so tired. So unbelievably tired of this...

"These are things a parent is supposed to do..."

Why, then, after 18 long, sickeningly lonely years, is he suddenly concerned with being a parent? I'm so confused.

My mom thinks i'm going. My dad thinks i'm not. Everyone thinks I'm wrong. No one really cares what I want, not that it matters. I can't have what I want, and yes, I do wish things had worked out differently. I wish I could trust my family. I wish I could decide. I wish for a lot of things I never get. I just hope, for once, that i'm making the right choice...