The tick tock of the clock is painful
All sane and logical
I want to tear it off the wall

I very recently became edgy and incapable of sitting still. I should be doing my lessons, but I can’t concentrate on them any longer. I have misplaced my ability to sit still. I feel like life is passing by me too quickly and I’m stuck in a room with no windows as life wastes away. I’m wasting my time sitting here accomplishing nothing. I’ve got things racing around in my mind and I know as soon as I get out of this little room, I won’t do anything with all that racing and buzzing, but I don’t know why. My fingers are itching to be free of this stupid keyboard and my eyes want to stare at something beyond this godforsaken screen, but the rest of this room doesn’t have anything worth looking at… not much anyway. I’m sure I could find something. I am restless, which is strange because this morning I couldn’t even get up. And here I am left once more with another journal that says nothing. I want to go back in time and relive old memories. Not even change them, I want to see them again. Sometimes I wish that there was some form of technology that could record all the things you see in life worth looking at again and that you could freeze time for a little while and watch them over again.

Thirty five more minutes locked in this dungeon of modernized pointlessness… I really don’t need to know how to work access. I defanantly don’t plan on spending the rest of my life locked in over developed modernized dungeons when I get free of this room. I want to be free and do something, anything, so long as I could say that I accomplished something far greater than Lesson 3 in the access section of the office XP users manual. I’m wasting away on this thing and I can’t even focus on what I’m actually supposed to be accomplishing. So I can stand up and proudly say “ Look at me. I learned a skill I will never use again.” Joyousness of times. Normal people get excited to think of the trumpets sounding. I get scared. At the end of my life, I’d like to have accomplished something. How am I supposed to do that locked in a room with 20 some machines that are shooting radiation through my very being. (I don’t care if they don’t shoot radiation through me… I still don’t like it)

Random thought: Have you ever wanted to tell people things before but you know you can’t and you don’t know why? I don’t know who I feel like talking to, but I know that whoever it is, I can’t and even if I could it wouldn’t matter because I can’t say what I want to anyway. I think the mix between computer waves and caffeine and lack of sleep is starting to make me all crazy like. I’m not hiding anything from anyone, so you all know. Please don’t get paranoid that I am. I just thing that I really need a nice nap of some sort, and if not that then I really can’t say whats wrong with me… I’m rambling again. It is, alas, one of my finest skills…

ONTO OTHER THINGS

I realized why being held under water on Sunday felt so strange to me. I mean, whats so weird, Its water, right? Wrong. I’m strange, therefore I must make simple things even stranger. Really though, something felt very different that when people normally put me under water… I’m a paranoid person. People lift hands around me and I flinch, even if I know they aren’t going to smack me a good one. People get anywhere near me in water and start to pull me down, and I kick them in the face, circumstances and who you are means nothing. It could be a half an inch of water, I’m going to panic, so Sunday I was really kind of scared that I was going to kick Nathan in the head or something, but I felt no urgency to panic or fend for my life or anything, which is entirely out of my character. My mom insisted that we watch the tape they made last night and Celena commented that I’d never looked so calm in my life before. When it gets right down to it, that was true. That’s why it seemed so weird to me. For once in my life I was in a potentially hazardous situation (you have to understand I’m paranoid and everyones out to get me. With me being a pint sized and in water, I get scared b/c I can’t fight back) yet feel no urgency to defend myself in any manner. Do you have any idea what its like to NOT feel terror in your surroundings for the first time ever? It made the whole situation so much greater than I could have thought it to be because not only did the people around me learn how I have been changing spiritually, but I learned how I’ve been changing… in some other way. I trusted someone outside of my ‘you have dealt with all of my insanity and know my deepest thoughts and have yet to abandon me so I’m willing to put some trust in you’ bubble, which is totally out of my character, and I can’t even explain what its like to be… comfortable… This isn’t coming out right… Its sounding rambly….

“its like a new pair of underwear. At first its constricting, but then it becomes a part of you.”

Well, that did nothing for my case… In fact, now I sound a bit perverted… You know, it sounds a whole lot better In my head, so I suppose to really understand what I’m trying to get across, you’ll have to read my mind. Can you read my mind? I really have to go before I make an even larger fool of myself… I go now… Disreguard anything senseless or ignorant I may have said.