I should be doing something constructive with my time, but alas, I can't bring myself to do it. I'm currently recovering from a relapse of my sanity and have found that, just like old times, i have tried to express my rage, immediately followed by an attempt to stifle it entirely, and i am now exausted beyond recognition. I do not know how to handle rage, and nobody will give me any friendly pointers b/c i'm "such a nice person" who could never have any "rage issues." Well, i do. Deal with it. I"m sick and tired of being told who I am and who I"m not. I know quite well who i am. I've been following myself around for years taking detailed notes of my meticulous observations. This does not help me solve my rage issues. When i get really angry i have sudden uncontrollable urges to break things, scream a whole lot, and in extreme cases, hurt people. Apparently this happened when i was 15. I don't remember it. My mom tells me that one day my sister was bugging me and i just snapped. As the story goes, I jumped on her and started beating the life out of her. My mom had to wrestle me off and hold me down. She was so shocked that i could ever do such a thing because i was always such a nice girl who took beating after beating from my sister and never let it phase me. I was always such a quiet kid who never did anything wrong. How could i be capable of such unfiltered rage? News flash. Anger is unfiltered. Its irrational. It solves nothing. And its hard as all hell to get rid of. I only get mad like that at my house. Anywhere else on the planet, i have anxiety attacks. I'm defanantly a poster child for stability and amazingly untainted mental health... I"m feeling more calm now, after the better end of an hour being spent in a corner twitching and talking to myself. Fear not, its a typical reaction. I don't handle stress well, which is shocking b/c i'm subject to so much of it. You'd think i'd eventually go numb. What i need is a hug, a nap, and some sedatives.

Danny wants me to come to church on Tuesday. I"m skeptical. I"m plainly not wanted there, so what point do i make by showing up anyway? This, he does not understand. Yeah, you're all saying "well he obviously wants you there" Okay, i do have some friends who don't mind my presence, but its the people who can tell me not to come back that have. I feel so appreciated sometimes... Wes needs to be back now. He is good at making me feel like I might exist.

So apparently people that i didn't know were reading this... are reading this. Yeah, the only reason i really feel an urgency to figure out how they found out i even had a blog is because when people figure things out about me and i don't know how they got it, i get a little nervous. Just a paranoid kinda gal i suppose.

I wish i had a song to doom this thing with, but alas, my brain is currently stuck on "I refuse to think b/c i've been fried" mode. I should go do the dishes and my English project... and memorize my oh so exciting latin passage before... oh who am i kidding. I'm slowly tramsforming into a spaz case. Help me. I want to be different from what i've always been.

Ever find that some days its harder to let go than others. You fill in the blank. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about, just that it happens. I wonder why that is. Why one day I can find it nearly impossible to let go of something, while on another day, even though I don’t want to let something go, its not exceedingly painful. That happened to me yesterday. He fell asleep in my arms and while I was lying there listening to him sleep, I couldn’t help but feel like a traitor. I’m not going anywhere. I meant that when I said it, but at the same time, does seriously considering Oregon make me a liar? Is that still leaving him? I thought about this for quite some time, and the harder I pondered it, the more painful it became. The longer the thought stayed on my mind, the tighter I wanted to hold on to him, until eventually, I couldn’t bring myself to let go. And the thought still lingers in my mind. Am I a traitor, a liar, a tease even? If I leave here, am I breaking my promise, not even a promise, I just don’t want to be anywhere else with anyone else. If I leave here, even though I’m still with him, am I in turn leaving him? It doesn’t make any sense, I know, but if even logic haunts me, what’s to stop irrationality from seeping through as well? I am being irrational, I know. And I search for answers, but I think I’m looking for them, and if I’m not content with the response, I forget that I ever found it, and so I’m just blindly chasing an answer that I found so long ago, its not even looking for me anymore. I wish I were a stronger person. I wish I were a more stable person. I wish I could become that on my own, but I know I can’t, and I’m still too afraid of absolutely nothing to take a leap of faith so great as to take matters out of my own hands. What am I so afraid of? What does this have to do with my initial thoughts. Nothing. And everything.

“No time permits to open up, when you’ve been hiding thoughts so strong
she’s been holding out for an angel to come along
no reply from the sky, but she just keeps looking up
she just keeps looking up”

Initially, I had planned on writing out a list of things that i am going to miss, and things i'll be glad to leave behind. I started typing, and i realized, whats the point? Why am i even pondering over it? Why am i giving up this quickly, this easily? Why am i becoming my mother? Its in my nature to do such, so strong that it makes me absolutely sick to even think about it. I want to stop being all those sickening things. Didn't i make this promise to myself once already? I suppose its a start that i'm slowly noticing my faults, and at least wanting to do something about them. Thats the purpose of this journal.

I am excited about...
... going to state for JCL
... finding a Prom dress
... going to Prom
... The next Friday thing i can go to
... being finished with speech
... figuring out if i want to get those boots i saw
... my baptism
... seeing the friends i haven't seen much of lately
... getting some goldfish after school
... graduation
... seeing the outcome of the things i have no control over
... the next time i get to go to work
... finding a book to read ( i need to start reading again)
... dancing. i feel like dancing.
... getting ahold of Miah again
... ending this entry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste
Asking why?
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
(Asking why?)

I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The out moment I trace around the one that I call mine
Time to count more space
And beware that your drew the line
I don't need you solve this case
And I don't need to look behind

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste
Asking why?
I'll run away with you, By my side
I'll run away with you, By my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
(Asking why?)

Do I except you change, the past I hold inside?
With all the words I say
Repeating over in my mind
Some things you cant erase
No matter how hard you try
An exit to escape
Is all there is left to find

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste
Asking why?(Asking why)
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

So I,
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste
Asking why?
I'll run away with you, by my side
I'll run away with you, by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

This stuff is addictive... Anyway, nothing worth talking about, but i'm addicted. What can i say? Why I feel any urgency to potentially tell random strangers about my life, I don't know, but it is something i feel i must do. Gotta get music. Hold on...
Mmm, Big Country. Good old fashioned 80's One Hit Wonders. What could be better? So, I was sitting on my bus this morning, and it came to my attention how much i am going to miss those grade school kids. I did my myself speech today. Didn't prep at all. Pulled the whole thing out of some unknown orifice. Anyway, one of the big points i chose to make is that kids are by no means weak or stupid, or all that other stuff we crazy ass teens tend to look at grade schoolers as. Especially not these kids. I went on and on about the compassion and love and bravery I've noticed in these kids and i am going to miss them so much. I love those kids.
I also went on about my skirt falling off. Gotta be able to laugh at yourself. There is this kid i keep seeing around everywhere. In the hall in the morning, on my bus, in my speech class. I think they are new here. I think his name is Erik. From what i gather, i think he came here from California, and this guy agrees with everything i say. Its... kind of weird. I'm not used to that. At any rate, whatever, I made an ass of myself and i had fun doing it and I got 100 on my speech. Who'd have thought that rambling about how clumsy i am could get me anywhere. This is not motivation for me to actually prepare my next speech, unfortunately.
Ev's still out of town. He called me up yesterday and i felt bad that i wasn't giving as much of my attention to him as i should have been. There were tons (okay 3) of people in my room. So this whole two day deal is not fun. What am i going to do if i move out of state, or out of town if two or three days is going to suck. Guh... I"m such a girl. and i like it that way. k, i lied, but i have nothing better to do to salvage my words. If he calls me up today, i AM going to devote more time to talking to him. So yeah, I don't have anything else to talk about. I'm now going to waste my time playing free cell and listening to Dire Straits "Sultans of Swing"
Until we meet again, *bows*

Todays oh so thought provoking lunch time conversation: bathroom humor. And i must say it was some of the funniest stuff i have ever heard when it comes to the human body and how it ... dispels... the bad stuff. We are disturbed young men and women. Or maybe its just me...

ANYWAY

Me and my maternal instinct. I have far more of it than i like to accept, but far too much to want to let go of. I have realized as much this week. It all started when one of the toddlers threw up all over the toddler room. So everyone is running around trying to clean up the floor, and I in all of my motherly instinct, scoop up this whimpering 13 month old child covored in that mornings florescent colored yogurt into my arms and try to comfort him and talk to him even though he can't speak a word yet (though he can make this happy little mumble for yes and a rather painfully sad sound for no... or also to mean a very uncomfortable yes..... dear lord, i can speak toddler....) A girl i work with walked up to me and told me "You are brave." I didn't understand how i was being brave, it seemed only natural to me. I realized when she began inching away from the kids miserable expression what she meant. I suppose not too many people are willing to carry around a vomiting toddler. This is not the first time i have held a child who has just puked up thier breakfast or clearly has a nasal infection and is blowing rather impressive snot bubbles or has not yet controlled thier ability to drool... If that makes me maternal, so be it. I love my job.

Tuesday I realized just how painful it is to have to let go of children you have grown to love. I don't care if those grade schoolers weren't my own. I love them just the same and it was heartwrenching to let them go. Those kids have more strength than anyone i've ever met. We should be looking up to them, not the other way around.

And finally last night. Ev came to visit me, seeing as how he wasn't getting out of it considering he's gone till Saturday. Yep, i'm demanding... Well we were lying there and he was curled up in my arms and I was holding him. That is by far how I am most comfortable. When i feel like i am protecting someone else. I love that feeling and i don't know why. Its not a dominance issue. Believe me. I dominate nothing. Its a protection issue. I don't much care to be looked after (thought sometimes its nice)

yeah, i'm a mom. Its no wonder the guys all call me mom... Though i don't know if i want kids yet. I'll think about it in 15 years, when it is said i will have them.

Onto more exciting things. I found out today that I can go to state for JCL. there was no way i could afford it on my own. No way. But i learned that since i placed second in my competition, JCL is fully paying for my whole trip. The bus, the hotel, food. All of that stuff. Which is really really really good and i'm quite excited about such. Who'da thought? Yeah, i said who'da. I'm really happy about this...It seems like a small thing, but keep in mind how much I like Latin and wanted to go on this trip. I'm excited. Joyousness of times, something good. which can only mean untimely disaster, but i'll cross that road when i get to it. I'm happy.

Thats enough out of me. Class ends soon, i go now.

Jesus told me to come here and Judas says it’s a lie, and maybe I’m doubting Thomas, but only when Peter denies that its going to be a long way home from here

I’m sure this has nothing to do with my ability to make decisions, but nonetheless, that’s what I think of. I can’t make little decisions, or if I can then somehow its that I won’t and I’ve just convinced myself otherwise. I hate that about myself. I can think for myself, I know that I can. I make important decisions all the time. I beat myself up making them , but it always gets done, but oh when it comes to something as simple as a movie. You want to know what happened last time I was in charge of movie choice? The ticket lady picked the movie. That’s right. I couldn’t choose. I have issues taking control and making those choices and so what do I do? I let everyone else tell me what to do and even though I know who I should be listening to… I don’t. Thus making something insignificant last forever.
I was told recently that I could never become my mother, that I’m much stronger than my mother ever was. I’m not so sure about that. Yeah, my moms a strong lady, but like we all do, she falls a bit short. Namely in the aspect of making her own choices. I am turning into my mother. I am my mother. That scares me. I have nightmares about living my moms life. I worry that I’m going to end up like my parents. I worry that even if I find someone with whom I have this unimaginable bond and it couldn’t get any better, that somewhere along the way it will change. And even if I am blessed one day with that amazing closeness and love that I never believed I was worthy of or headed for, I’ll end up with here future. I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want her life yet here I am, inching step by step into her existence.
I’ve got it pretty good, all things considered. I have been blessed with someone that my mom never even got close to imagining. Sometimes I worry that it’s all a nice dream and that I could wake up at any moment in a nightmare, left only with that knowledge that the life I thought I had was nothing more than a nice dream. Sometimes I don’t want to go to sleep b/c I’m afraid that the dream will change. I mean, honestly, how long can a dream last? Sometimes I worry that the life I think is the dream world is reality and I’ll wake up and it will have taken over. I don’t have pleasant dreams. I’m pretty sure that this is reality, but sometimes I hover around the what ifs. I’m a little paranoid. I don’t think I have to worry, but I could screw up at any moment. I’m not going to go and get painfully stoned and sleep with three random strangers or anything, but there are so many openings for me to screw up. Its all I’ve ever been good at. I guess that’s not entirely true… I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I’m rambling.
What if my inability to decide turns out to be my fault. My tragic flaw. I’m not a hero I know, but I could easily have a tragic flaw anyway. Just b/c I said so. Maybe I am to someone, I don’t know. This indecision thing really is beginning to become far more annoying and hurtful than I care to have as a part of me. I want to change. Do you have any clue how hard that will be for me to do?

Living in houses buying the bricks that build these walls
Raising the layers, brick upon brick to make you whole
Take a look, you’ll see this place is desolate
Everybody is hiding in their perfect little houses
Building from the inside with no way out
And I don’t want to scare you
But I think that you might like to know
That every brick you lay
Is just another day you spend alone
And I don’t’ want to scare you

AND I PROMIS YOU THAT I WILL BE BRAVE, I WILL BE BRAVE
And I’ll let them hear what you have to say
What you have to say

Hiding I n the cracked foundations
Praying that no one can see
Fortress ourselves in the great delusions
In our animosity
Follow this assembly line until your face is undefined
Until your name is meaningless
Until you cannot recognize why you began to build this place
Why you started from the inside out
Why you didn’t build a door for God
Why you didn’t build a door
And I don’t want to scare you
But I think that you might like to know
That every brick you lay
Is just another day you spend alone
And I don’t want to scare you

AND I PROMISE YOU THAT I WILL BE BRAVE, I WILL BE BRAVE
And I’ll let them hear what you have to say
What you have to say

And tear this down and tear this down

AND I PROMIS YOU THAT I WILL BE BRAVE, I WILL BE BRAVE
And I’ll let them hear what you have to say
What you have to say

And I don’t want to scare you
But I think that you would like to know…
strong>

I promise, I"m not avoiding the world of Blog... I finally got a free moment to spill the gory details of my life. I've been busy working on this ladys house that i know with The Chadster. I am now an official BMW (buff mountain woman) i've built a poo load of muscle tone and such. It was fun. But i'm sore and very tired and this here is my first (and last) official day of spring break. Its getting hot in Texas. I hope it rains. A good long cold shower. I love the rain. I have no real stories today. sorry.

Its a new day but it all feels old, its a good life, thats what i'm told
but everything it all just feels the same

My situations just keep getting better and better. As time passes, as every single day passes, I just keep getting fed more reasons for my life to be such a ball of stress that sooner or later, i'm just going to explode. I'm going to blow up in the middle of the halls one day and whoever has to clean up my remains is going to be PISSED. And what could I possibly have to complain about today? Well for starters these damn kids at my house are stressing me out to the point of being homocidal... But thats of no matter b/c nobody cares...

If one more person asks me about college, i'm going to snap. Three people at work asked me about college crap today and all three of them did the exact same thing to me that Chad and Josh did. Can I have no peace? I don't know what i'm going to do yet. I don't know where i'm going, i don't even know where i'm going to live. i'm scared out of my goddamn mind about everything because i have no plan and my options are so limited that it burns. I can't make a plan because i have no stable living conditions, SO STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY FUTURE!!!!!!!!!! It would be much appreciated.

Along with this situation, my boss has also decided to cut her staff down by more than half. which means i am now working a grand total of 3 hours and 45 minutes a week... My luck really is turning up. Things just keep on getting better for me. I swear, if my fortune is any greater, i might just bust with joy... Honestly though, i don't think the job thing has set in yet. So if you think i'm a wreck now, just you wait until it really sinks in that i pretty much don't have a job and nobody withing driving distance is hiring. Not to mention that i don't drive. What i think is really nice is that my boss didn't even tell me that I was no longer working Team training anymore. She had someone else do it for her, so i don't even know what the situation is. Man, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is just overflowing with blessings now isn't it?

If my luck gets any worse, i'm going to throw myself into the deepest darkest hole i can find and sit there and rot until the entire world can smell me decaying...

Other than that, i'm feelin' fine! ;D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote that earlier but it wouldn't post, which i probably should have taken as a sign to not ... post... but i'm just that stubborn. I feel a lot better. I always do at the end of a Sunday night. For whatever reason, they always go okay for me, Sundays. Even Super Bowl Sunday worked out for the better. Talked to Wes a little, which generally puts a smile on my face, and i just got back from Everetts house. We watched this movie, Oh Brother Where Art Thou?, and i really liked it. Defanantly a movie i'd watch again. Its really late right now, so i'm going to frolick off, finish my stuff and consider a relatively restless night of sleep. And with that i bid you adieu, until, of course, we meet again. Tah.

i can't get this think out of right alignment... I confuse myself sometimes. I procrastinate about everything, you know. Even if its something i do want to do. What am i so afraid of? Maybe i'm paranoid that i'm going to do something horrendously wrong, or horrendously right... Why that would scare me, i don't know. I need so much therapy. I'll ponder over it for a while i suppose. I don't have a whole lot to talk about at the moment, so with that i leave you...

Yesterday afternoon i went with a large group of people to a girl at churches birthday party. Clemency played. I was looking for a link to thier site, but i don't know if they have one and after doing a search and finding only brazilian death metal, i'm not sure if they do. Calling a death metal band clemency seems a bit ironic to me, but that could very well be the point. It was fun. I spent a lot of time spinnig around in circles both by myself and with claire, which was fun, and tiring, probably part of the reason i woke up closer to 2 in the afternoon. Wes, one of the mid school leaders, was there. He has been gone for a couple of weeks and it was good to see him again. I respect Wes quite a bit. No, I don't know him as well as most of the people in the youth group probably do, but he really does go out of his way to make people feel welcome, especially if he knows he can do something to help them. Something is bothering him. i dont' know this, but i can see it.

I was something short of unstable yesterday, so yeah, Josh and Chad, sorry about that. Lot of stuff that was really bothering me that they didn't seem to understand what i was saying and i couldn't comprehend what they were saying and then everyone gets frustrated and people start with the yelling at me and then i don't want to talk about anything anymore, but they hunt me down anyway and i talk and talk and cry like a two year old. I swear, every time Chad said something that would normally make me smile, it made me cry. I"m so obnoxious like that. I always have been. Once i get started, you can't cheer me up again. All my happy memories make me painstakingly depressed when i get like that. Apparently, yesterday was something short of a joyous occasion. Even after i calmed myself down, i was playing Glycerine with Chad, and the words made me want to cry. I'm just ... stressed out i suppose. I don't know.

But i have some options, and i'm sure i can find a flaw with every one...
FAFSA
Brent McKinneys house
Lara Zepps house
Live on my own, but screw college
Find a nice bridge

Okay okay, so the last two are not options i'm horrendously fond of, but it makes my list look longer. Chad told me to be happy because i have two more months, two whole months... but at the time i didn't see the point in spending two months smiling and making myself happy if it was all going to be gone in the end anyway. What would be the point? Yesterday I remembered what the point was. I do have some time, that cursed man made concept... but i still do have some, and theres no guarantee that i will lose everything. Thats not to say that i'm not still scared out of my mind, but there is never a guarantee. Yeah, i know, i almost sound optimistic. Believe me, i'm still hurting, but i'm working on it. I don't want to spend the rest of my time wasting it so that i can spend the rest of my life regretting it. I need to go shower, seeing as how i just need to.

Should i stay or should i go now

The word of the hour is drained. I am absolutely, numbingly lacking in anything necessary for me to function like I’d want to. Last nights conversation with Ev was something short of a joyous occasion. The subject matter, the absolute slaughter of my very ability to smile right now, Oregon. He didn’t know a whole lot on the matter, and though he says he does, I don’t think he wants to hear anything about it. I know I don’t. The reason that I am so painstakingly numb today has everything to do with the subject matter of the conversation. I’m confused. I heard the phrase that I have been dreading since…. I’ve been dreading it… “I don’t know if I can handle another one.” By I, I mean Everett, and my one I mean long distance relationship. Can you say bullet through the soul? Yet, he goes on to say that we will make it. We will live through it. I wonder if he means together, or something…. Else. I know I’ve turned this into more highschool drama, and I hate drama, but forgive me for being scared. The thing about this move is that I don’t see much to gain. If I stay I risk watching my future slip slowly away. If I go, I risk watching him slowly slip away. I want neither. What I want is a comfortable medium. What I want is to wake up in the morning and ,even though I don’t ever think I’m going to be happy with my surroundings, to be happy with what I could see worth seeing…. This isn’t coming out like I had planned it to. The words didn’t sound that bad in my head. This is sickening me.

We left on a good note last night, but I’m still afraid. I don’t want him to have to go through the things he went through in his last long distance relationship, but at the same time, my selfish side wants to hold on and never let go. I can’t make him not feel if its going to hurt, I can’t make him happy if he’s not. I can’t do the things he deserves. I’ve always known this. I can’t be the wonderful person he ought to have, the stable person he deserves. I try to be all the greatness I’ve always known he should have, but it seems that no matter how hard I try, I fall short every time. My life is too much of a fucking soap opera to give him stability, and he knew that from the start. Even as a friend, I had little to offer him and he stuck by me anyway. I’m not the greatest girlfriend either, I fear. Yet, for more time than anyone else has been able to tolerate, he has stuck by me. I’m afraid that maybe the distance could be too much. I don’t want him to hurt, and if he’s going to, I don’t want him to feel obligated to stick by me. I don’t know what to think. I’m not really sure what he wants. I wasn’t clear on it, but whatever the case may be, I want him to do what’s going to make him happy, and if it’s something that’s not quite what I was hoping for, I will compromise my own selfishness, no matter what the cost. I’ve got to learn to be more selfless anyway.

I’ve been trying not to take this one all in my own hands, but its hard. I’ve been trying to trust God with all of it, but this has been one of my biggest struggles in my walk, putting myself out of control of the problems. Even before I became a believer people told me that I had a hard time letting things take their course, that I tried to play Jesus too much, which I can’t see as a bad thing. Aren’t we supposed to strive to be more like him? I always thought so, but at the same time I need to be able to trust Him fully. Often, I have problems with this. I worry too much. I’m working on it, but its not an easy battle for me. I was raised fending for myself, dealing with my own problems, because lets face it, my moms amazing, but she simply couldn’t bear my burdens and hers and still walk away at the end of the day alive and half sane. I can’t depend on my dad, and many, many people out there aren’t the most trustworthy. People’s intentions often fall short of honest. That’s not to say I trust nobody nor that I don’t trust Christ, its just a difficult battle for me. I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this anymore. I’m going to listen to more 12 Stone, even though I know that with my mood being something short of joyful, this is a bad idea.

I’ll be alright in an hour or two… I just need time to evaluate, time to calm down my emotions, or to block them out entirely… I know I can’t do this, but I can dream… I suppose.

The simple joy that is midterms, and in some cases, finals. I have a portion of a final next period... i should be studying, but alas, i'm not worried about it. Its been a slow day, not really bad. No horrendously irreperable catastrophe thus far. All in time i assume, though i don't hope for it. I don't mind being in a good mood. Dispite the shroud of darkness i put on others, smiling can be okay too. Its even more fun when i depress people with a smile. It causes all this confusion when i'm giggling about something that isn't really funny... makes other people think theres a joke they missed so they laugh too. I"m not looking forward to spring break at all. I"m hoping not to spend too terribly much time at my house. You know, i'm really boring today. Perhaps i'll go an expand my knowledge on the Anglo-Saxon social chain before my impending essay test of DOOM!!!!! i like them doomey... Right, i'm going. This entry was a waste of both your time and mine. Until we meet again *bows politely*

And the rich kids had convertibles and we had to ride the bus...

Something that makes me mad is spoiled rich kids. Not rich kids in general. They have no control over what thier parents make, but the spoiled ones.... grrr. This guy in my gov. class was going on and on yesterday about how angry he was at his dad. Do you even want to know why??? He was pissed b/c daddy wanted to buy him an older porsch and fix it up rather than crap out a bunch of money for a brand new one... His dad even told him "keep your truck, i'll pay for everything with the porsch" I can't tolerate people like that, who think that everything is about money and thier life is over if thier stuff isn't the most expensive... This is why the world is falling apart. People overly obsessed with things that don't even matter.... At any rate, other than that, today is treating me okay. I have to work... I forgot about that. And now i remember. I'm going to fail my gov. exam isn't that exciting? I can feel it... Right. Gonna go mess with my colors and such now.

You have problems

"You have problems."
"I have problems?"
"You do everything any one ever tells you to do. That is a problem."
"Well, i didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite other people into MY problems. So, come on, tell me whats wrong. What do they do to you?"
........
........
"What kind of problems do you have?"
"He can't think for himself."
"She's right."
........
........
"I don't know stress? You think I don't know stress? Well then fuck you! Fuck you. Do you know why i'm here today? DO YOU? I'm here b/c Mr. (what was his name) found a gun in my locker."
"What was the gun for?"
"I tried...Stupid elephant, when you were supposed to pull the trunk and the light comes on. My light didn't come on. So i considered my options..."
........
........
"Stupid, worhtless, lazy, no good, freeloading son of a bitch asshole... You forgot ugly, and disrespectful.."
"Is that for real?"
"you wanna come over some time?"
"i don't believe you."
"No."
"no?"
"do i stutter"
.........
.........
"Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are. Have you ever been felt up, under the blouse, over the bra...."
"Do you want me to puke?"
........
........

I have problems. I don't even know where to begin with the multitude of problems that i can't likely fix. First off, i have an unhealthy obsession with writing about shards of glass scattering across the floor.... I am also sexually frustrated. But lets not go into that today.

I loved the Breakfast Club. I still don't know why they called it that, but i loved it. Mostly, I think, because i related to the characters so much. Where to start... Allison (don't get on my case if these aren't perfectly accurate words. i know they aren't) I involve people in my problems, and then i throw them out of it when i realize that they might just want to help me. Is it to make them feel sorry for me? I don't think it is. I hate being pitied about as much as i hate being envied (thats a lot)So why do i do that? To prove that somebody does in fact care? To prove that i exist, even if the only way i can get that way is through tragedy. Nobody will turn down trauma. I think sometimes i do that.
"sporto" I can't make my own decisions. Plain and simple, everyone knows it. I think i am horrendously afraid of makind the wrong choice, of making other people very unhappy. I'm afraid to act on my impulses in the chance that i should do something someone else doesn't like. This causes many a problem in my relationships b/c they always get sick of having to innitiate everything, but i... i won't say can't..... don't find myself able to do it right now. I'm not comfortable with myself, especially if its something someone else has done to them at some prior point. I don't want to have something to be compared to if i have no experience.... My big sex paranoia. I have this fear of my first time being with someone with prior.... experience... I don't want to have to live up to someone else, and the thought of my looking like some stupid naive little kid with a partner who has experiences that i dont..... it bothers me. I can't think about it too hard. I can't make my own decisions. I can't act on my own impulses. I can hardly think for myself. I just agree with other people. Thats not to say i can't make my own choices. i just find it easier not to.
Brian. In a few words, i am a drama queen. I get stressed out so easily sometimes, and i'm a bit self destructive. Bad combination. I honestly think it may run in my family, self destructive tendancies... I've got to wonder though, if i was meant from the start to be this way, or if i had just held on a little longer that most fateful December night, how different would my life be. would these things have ever started? will they ever go away, or will they always be there in the back of my mind. I haven't advertantly acted on them since.... September, i guess. I'm still very hard on myself, if i don't do things just right, up to par on my own scale, i snap. I am a drama queen... of the worst possible kind.
Bender. In the way of my family life, i am very honest, and very bitter. It's unhealthy. Yet, the stories I tell, people think they know, but idon't think they really honestly believe me. (the drama queen thing) i think they assume its bad, but that i dramatize it, and so they don't really believe me. This is why nobody can help us. I can also be bitter, if not sometimes down right resentful to people who have those loving parents and great childhood memories that i had to make up in my head b/c i knew i would never have them. I'm a very angry person, and it radiates off of me if i don't watch myself.
Claire. Am i a virgin? Yes. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm sick of getting slammed for it, which can often times make me stay quiet about it, thus making people think that i don't want them to know. Maybe i have something to hide. What the bloody hell could i hide? I'm one of those damn virgins. That gets old. I'm also very cautious about my sexuality, what i will and won't do. Often times makes me look really naive. I hate that, being treated like a little kid for being a virgin and a little paranoid. It doesnt make me sick, but it scares me a lot, not really knowing what i'm capable of doing, or not doing or even how far my mind will go before i can stop it. A pretty entertaining psychological issue if i do say so myself. Thats enough talking about this.

As i said, i like that movie, a lot. I'm in a really weird mood today. I have been since the better end of saturday. I was sitting in bed and had this totally random but unshakable urge to die. Nothing i would act on, nothing i wanted to act on, but strong nonetheless. Appeared from nowhere. I think i went through a fourth of a bag of smarties... Old demons haunting me i suppose. Today (well sunday i guess) left me feeling bitter and vengeful for the better part of all day. Anger i couldn't deal with. I recall talking to someone about some of the stuff going on and i had a soda tab in my mouth and i got so angry i wanted to just jump up and snap. I felt violent. I chewed that thing to crap. You can't even really tell what it was anymore. I don't know what to do with all this rage. Nobody believes i have it, and if they do nobody thinks i can do anything with it. I'm too nice or to naive or too short or too whatever to be angry, thus making me angrier. I have a lot of anger and hurt in me that poeple refuse to see. Like they pick and choose the parts of my personality to accept and to hell with the rest. This is why i often feel invisible. Poeple don't accept but maybe half of me... Thats not me, thats taking away all the little faux pars that make me what i am. i only sort of exist.

I feel good right now. Everett has this uncanny ability to make whatever is killing me inside seem like its not so bad. This is a talent he has always possessed. i don't know how he does it, but just his presence makes the world seem like a less .... unruly place. He walked in Josh's door today, and i swear to you my mood skyrocketed. I worry sometimes that i'm a little sufficating to him. i have no reason to, just a paranoid thing i do. One of many i suppose. Its what i am. He made my day a lot better. Spending the day with Chad was awesome too, and he's so unbelievably good to me, always makes me feel loved even though i don't deserve it, Everetts just got a different....thing.... i don't even know. I've got to get to sleep before i kill the remains of my good mood. Listening to My Immortal.... Must.... Stop..... nope, not happening. I think i'll just go shed a few pathetic attempts at tears for the night and have some random dreams. Thanks for listening to me rant. Ta then

all i remember is you're supposed to cross out the ones that don't apply, bold the four that most apply, and put the other months in afterward.... i can't find where i found this again.

MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

i don't know how to cross things out... so get rid of hard hearted, highly motivated, needs no motivation. sickness in ear, and good physical...

JANUARY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but those not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH:
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE:
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER:
Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive.Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER:
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER:
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER:
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Sometimes it seems to me like my whole high school existance is being smashed up, stuck in an envelope and shipped off. And where might my very lifes final destination be? Eugine, Oregon. The source of my sporadic midnight depression. The very reason i sometimes set my cd player on "So i need you" and think of where i was just two years ago and cry myself to sleep. I'm tired of this life. Oregon has nothing to offer me that i can't find here, in middle class suburbia. Hate it though i might, i have found, not a home, i'll never have a home, but something to settle comfortably into. And that is about to be snatched away from me, and carried off over 2,000 miles away.... to Eugine. I want to settle. I want to be able to come to a home after college classes and call up a friend to ramble on and on about some professor and the project i'm procrastonating on. I won't be able to do that. I won't have the Friday thing. I won't have close relationships. They'll all be slipping away, while i'm rotting in Eugine... I'm unhappy.

There is one thing bothering me to no end. As is anyones fear, losing my best friend. Unfortunately, along with my best friend is the love of my life. You see, they are the same person. I'm terrified. I've never been in a long distance relationship before and the thought of not being able to see his face everyday kills me. THeres so much more to it than just looking at him of course. Its everything. I"m going to miss out on all the little aspects of his life because i will be too far away to see them or to experience parts of them, and i hate that idea. I don't want to miss out on being able to hug him when he's not feeling so great, because i love doing that. I live for trying to make him feel all right. There are things i am accustomed to that can't happen from that distance. Even talking won't be the same. I think he's getting a little weirded out that i stare at him constantly. I just want to have something to hold on to. Memories aren't the greatest, but they will work. I have begun to memorize every moment. I can play them in my head like a good movie. I'm strange and a little creepy i know, but i'm scared. What if the distance is too much? I'm not afraid that the distance will make me love him any less. That can't happen. I don't know exactly what i'm scared of. Distance tests you, thats for sure. I just don't want to fail the test... I'm freaking out over nothing. I shouldn't even bother with this right now. I ought to go on and enjoy the time that i have left. Its not just him i'm afraid of slipping from. Its everyone. I"m afraid that the same thing will happen that happens every time i have to start over. Even the strongest bonds will break under enough pressure. Can i handle the pressure? Can they?

As anxious as i am to know what the future holds for me, i'm equally as anxious to freeze the now and hold on to it forever. I almost don't want to know where i'll be in six months. In a year. In a lifetime...

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

Everett, in one way or a hundred, this particular stanza makes me think of you. Interpret it how you will, but i think its pretty simple. I want to make you feel beautiful. I know thats going to be hard to do, to find a way to help you see your own wonder when i can't get past all of my flaws, and i have many of them, but it really doesn't matter. You, for whatever reason, don't see them, or don't let them bother you. I'm not sure which. I know i'm really hard on myself and i rarely know how to react to all the greatness you seem to recognize in me, but I never feel as radiant as i do when i'm around you. You make me feel beautiful. Let me do the same to you.

...This journal is becoming like the others. I have put in three, maybe four entries today. This, I'm afraid, is unhealthy, but i don't think people will take the time to read it, and i don't honestly care. I'm using this journal to be honest with myself instead of entertaining to other people...

I love discussions that amount to something. Surely, the nothing conversations make the world go 'round and they often mean the most to us, but talking about something where you learn, i like that.

My lunch table just got into an enormous conversation about something i never expected us to touch base on... Religion. A guy was freaking out about being persecuted by an anal retentive religious woman over a book he is reading... Necro... something. I'll get the title for you later, and we got into a conversation about how that simply isn't right. I have a deep rooted frustration for Christians who persicute. We are supposed to be different from the world, so some people need to stop acting like they are made to be in this world. Anyway, it brought up discussion about the Passion of the Christ. I have not yet seen this movie, but i plan to. Then it turned to a conversation about actual faith and what is the difference between Jews and Christians and Muslims and such. I was allowed to dispense knowledge that i had forgotten i ever even possessed. It always feels nice to give someone something they didn't know and it feels even nicer to know that i'm not as illiterate and foolish as i often think i am. No, I don't know much, but i do know something. I am retaining some form of knowledge in this thick skull of mine. Plus i just like it when people ask questions. I like to see people searching for those answers and i like to search for those answers with other people.

We are all constantly learning and growing, whether we know it or not. For anyone reading this who is having thier own problems with, well, anything... You are not the only person searching for answers. Even the smartest people still don't know it all. We are all looking. So my vote is that we search together, sharpen eachother. Though we will probably look for answers to some question, whatever it may be at that time, forever, we don't have to ponder over one thing for the rest of our lives. Let iron sharpen iron, and though we are not made of iron, i'm going t assume you get this metaphor. If not, ponder over it. Ask me. We'll talk about it, maybe we'll learn something new. I'm always up for broadening my horizon for understanding...

I'm starting to ramble.

i found the whole song. its a maroon 5 song called "She will be loved"


Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times
But somehow I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her everytime she falls

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I think this is as close as i'm going to get to making this thing a little more interesting. I'm going to sleep now, or i'll be up doing this all night long.

i don't understand

I've learned that in my time on this earth, there is a lot that i simply cannot comprehend. God is an enormous one. It seems that everytime i go to bible study, i find something new that i do not quite get. It could be that i am a very new and kind of stupid believer. In fact, you could call me biblically illiterate. Its all part of the learning process. I tell myself that every time, yet it does not become easier knowing that i do not understand. I started a huge thing today (not for the first time i assure you) about not understanding a seemingly infantile concept. I understood half of it, but not enough to go home satisfied. Thing is, its not even a concept that was part of tonights lesson that i didn't understand. And i have made a promise to myself not to sit back quietly with that stupid grin on my face every time i am confused. I only make things harder for myself in the end. But, anyway, push comes to shove and i'm a little clearer now.

One thing i cannot grasp. How can God have such love for humanity? Just think of it. Out there, far beyond mans reach is a Being so powerful that He created the universe itself. He created each and every one of us and knows our very hearts. He understands those parts of us that even we deny b/c we don't understand them. He knows how absolutely corrupt people are, and loves us unconditionally anyway. He can do anything he sees fit to do, anything we could ever imagine, and far greater than our minds can grasp, and yet He gives us the freedom to do whatever we want to do. He gives us the freedom, even, to deny Him. This is a concept that i am so far away from because it is a very inhuman characteristic. If man could make anyone they wanted to love him, just imagine what people would do. Thats a power we can't even dream of, but God possesses it, and doesn't use it... Its totally beyond me. The things Christ endured at the expense of me, of you, of everyone... He was nailed to a cross, hung there for hours and bled and hurt and sufficated and eventually died all so that i didn't have to suffer and burn and be all alone... Rose again, can you imagine, resurected himself, so that i had someone to help me in this life. I can't even imagine dying the way he died for millions of people who would spite me and hate me in the end. I would like to say thats something i could do, but i just don't know...

Well, that was random. yeah. I'm rather tired right now. Should be sleeping, but i'm not. I will. All in good time. My moms birthday is on Friday and i don't know what i'm going to do for her. I'm so bad to my mom. The woman, I swear, she's insane sometimes, but she's got to be a superhero, all the things she manages to do. Its beyond me. She is strength. She has to be. K, I'm going. I know you want me to.