"Climax fades to the story line
It fades to the beginning of time
in reverse order"

Please don't be angry at me every time I walk out the door...I know I deserve it, but try to be a better person than me. Don't be angry at me because I said no... I've never said no before, but if I say yes, this catastrophe will never be undone.

Don't be angry at me for not being around. I think of you all the time anyway. Don't be angry at me for that either.

Or atleast, tell me why you seem so angry.

My patterns of friendship have changed lately. I"ve become a cruddy friend I think. Its either one extreme or the other. Either I spend hours of my days with you, or I never see you anymore. And no, I can't explain why.

I'm in the middle of a moral dilemma and I'm not entirely sure what to do. Thus the never being home anymore thing. In honesty, I think I know what the right answer is, but I just don't want to face the questions if I never get any answers.

The angel in diapers saved my sanity again today. I just wish that he'd be able to remember it years from now.

Lots of people are doing lots of growing this month, and not all of it is up, I fear. I'm doing lots of growing this month, and hardly any of it is up, I fear.

Tomorrow will rock, another pointless four hour shift at six in the morning. Its not even worth it to get out of bed, but get out of bed I shall, though I'm not sure exactly why yet.

I've found a new musical love. A group called the B Minor Harmonics, I think. I saw them at a show yesterday and instantly fell in love, as they were amazing. One of those "wow, thats exactly what I"m thinking" kind of experiences, everytime they opened thier mouths.

I am so freaking tired.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He's gone missing from the realm of reality
He lives on a fantasy of the worst kind
He cuts into his skin
He bleeds into my heart

So I guess this is goodbye
for eternity
So I guess this is goodbye
for eternity

He's a lost boy with a lost soul
He's got nothing to give
He's a one life stand
Just a one life stand

So I guess this is goodbye
for eternity
So I guess this is goodbye
for eternity

"Thats life. and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but its sorta all we have"

"I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh"

"I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you"

I'm tired of being a crazy bitch. I miss the person I was before, when everyone liked me and I was nice. I'm going to be that person again. I miss her. I think I could be that again, with a little bit of time. Be patient with me. I'll learn how to love everything again.

I don't hate myself anymore. It just really kicked in on me today. I've been going on and on about how awesome I am, but I never knew why I was saying any of it. To comfort myself perhaps, but I just realized it not an hour ago. I don't hate myself. I looked in the mirror and it was a shock to me to find somebody staring back. I had a reflection. Something lovely has manifested in me this past year and a half. And even though it ended and even though it still hurts like hell, you changed something inside of me. I don't know if you made me alive or if you made me realize that I am alive, but something huge has changed in me and I'm feeling things I've never felt before.

Its strange not to hate myself. Its an unusual sensation not to feel numb about yourself. I've done a lot of stuff in my life that I shouldn't have, I've given a lot of myself that I wonder if I can live without, but somehow, for the first time in recorded human history, I don't hate myself.

I've also determined that I don't like pretty boys. I can't see the beauty in pretty boys. In pretty people. Thats not to say I don't see beautiful things, but I see them in unconvention, unorthodox ways. I know beautiful people, but you don't think they are beautiful.

I'm a go downstairs now and do something... though I"m not sure what.




Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let goJump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

"You don't inspire a metric ton of trust...
taken from a song stuck in my head. Something new i have recently been introduced to. Go Kristin Hersh.

I am updating...

My job is amazing. I get 29 hours next week, which means that the job has to go. So I'm applying at the bank at Kroger, where, if hired, I will likely make almost twice what I make now. That would help. It took me over an hour to sort four pages of tags today b/c they wouldn't stop calling me to the front. They even called me three times during my break, and I didn't respond and they called me more. They can't take a hint. I'm so sick of Kroger.

There is one plus to this horrendous job, however. I made a friend. I would like to take this time to emphasize the word friend, as many of you are fearful of this persons intentions with someone such as myself. The reason for this, dear readers, is due to the nine year age gap between us. My theory is that this nine year age gap makes keeping it all platonic much easier. Yes, I have made a friend. We spend afternoons watching movies and listening to music and chatting about whatever will come up in between. And I must say, I'm finding it to be calming. You see, since this break up, I've had trouble finding a place to go and just clear my head of it all, seeing as how every time I open my eyes I am reminded of something we used to do, somewhere we used to go. Every where I turn it seems I am reminded of all the things that went wrong, and of all the things that went right. I'm not trying to forget, but if I think about it all the time, I will lose my mind and that will get messy. And so spending time with this new friend of mine these many afternoons as of late has been nice, because my surroundings aren't laced with memories of all the things I'm missing. Its like a fresh start. A new beginning. another section of my life started with a new friend, an I like it. Nights seem shorter when my heart gets a rest in the day.

Plus, I like to make new friends.

I do not, however, like people to try and con me into letting them play matchmaker on me. There is this guy I talk to at the bank at Kroger sometimes, and he's a unique individual indeed, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him. And he's trying to con me into going on a date with another guy who works at the bank. I can't tell you the kids name, as I can't actually pronounce it... a 22 year old.

I am certainly not ready to thrust myself back into the dating world just yet.

I'm surrounded by twenty somethings and feeling very young and naive. Even the person I hang out with at self check out is... about 22 actually. I'm the baby at my job. I'm the little on in my group of new aquaintances.

I also have a tissue in my nose.

My nose ring hole still hurts. I think its this new ring, and as a result I will put the old one back in tonight. Maybe.

I just realized how sleepy I am...

Fancy this...

I've spent my afternoon working someone elses shift, and I didn't much enjoy it, so when I came home, I quite uselessly checked this blog and some others. Then I grabbed some cold pizza and a warm soda and came upstairs to avoid the dishes, the laundry, the stench of working, and my own thoughts, and here I sit, cold pizza eaten, hot soda half empty, still stinking and swaying to the ever nasal voice of the Violent Femmes guy doing a life performance of a song about doing naughty things to himself. I am not a waste of a life. Heavens no.

I'm in a a cruddy emotional state... and I don't quite know why.

Music has changed to Alanis Morrisette singing a song about emotional abuse. I shall consider posting the lyrics... someday.

I wish I had something to blog about.

Oh, how about this...

As of late, I have been given a considerable amount of crap for finding unfathomable beauty in things that other people don't find to be outwardly beautiful. I"m seeing it, or hearing it, perhaps, in sounds that are not normally pleasing to the ear. I am seeing it in people, in random objects, in junk I find lying around. And its not necessarily one of those internal beauty externalized things. I actually see them, just as they come, as quite beautiful. I hear a lot of "Oh, I'm sure they have a lovely personality and all, but other than that..." and I can't help but feel like perhaps my eyes are broken. I've always managed to see beauty in unlikable things though. I don't much care for pretty things. I got into a heated debate with a bank teller yesterday about how rediculously irritating pretty boys are.

They all think I'm crazy. Think I'm nuts, but its some of you I'm talking about, you stunningly beautiful people.

The net radio just stopped.... oh, there it goes. Stupid computer. I do not find it to be beautiful.

My nose is sore. I can't stop sneezing, and I really need a shower. I reek of failure.

A question that you likely won't answer...

Normal people go through periods of self conciousness and feeling all dumb and not so great about themselves. That is the normal reaction to being dumped. "Well, I feel like shit because I'm not good enough." That, my friends, is normal. I on the other hand, have become more confident, borderlining on self absorbed. This, dear companions of mine, is not normal. I have been rather upset with myself as of late due to a great deal of not hating myself.

Perhaps something truly is wrong with me.

My warm soda has now departed me, and I must do the same to you.

Until fate should bring us to this place once again, I'm gonna knock it off with the trying to sound insightful and leave now.

I had a lovely time at a movie yesterday. It was good. Lots of people at work don't hate me

But

No matter what today throws at me, it will be a wonderful day b/c I just found out...

NATHANS GONNA BE A DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
these are the best days of your lives.
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right"

So, when do the peices fall into place, already?

Finding a place to live is proving to be trying. So is finding a place to work. Everything is proving to be quite stressful.

So, to make myself better about things (?) I decided to randomly get my nose peirced yesterday before church.

It really is as painful as they say it is. It will almost certainly make your eyes water, even if you don't cry. But I'm satisfied with how it turned out. Yes, kids its on tape. You may laugh heartily at my expense, as you always do when my pain gets recorded.

I've never done anything sporadic before, and so the first time I do, naturally it puts a hole in my face. I can't get my spacer in witout passing out... and that will be a problem at work sunday morning, what with the chilluns.

I finally got my license. I've been renovating my life, I guess. Getting a license, finding a car, searching for an apartment, hunting out a new job, and peircing my nose.

I feel tired and gross. Perhaps I will shower and sleep to make the exhaustion of failure and the stink of work fade away some. Do something fancy with my hair, actually shave, I don't know. I'll find something classy and feminine to occupy my time with. But for now, I have this oh so lovely, very classy looking nose ring. Note to my mother, it really does look good on me. Its very lovely..

and very sore.

God, I need a roomate...

I was dancing around the Cicis parking lot yesterday and a friend described my dancing style as raw sexuality, which I found funny, because I don't feel particularly sexual at all as of late. I don't even think I've made any Shayisms in .... days at least. I hate sex right now. Perhaps my "raw sexual" dancing is a way of displaying my sexual frustration... Hmmm. Stupid sexual frustration

Growing up sucks.

beautiful fabrications of absolute bullshit.


That is my poetic loveliness... I am so pathetic. I thought that one up at work today. I don't hate anybody... but the words all seem like just that, beautiful fabrications of absolute bullshit. And I can't say why. You wouldn't believe me anyway. Thats the joy of biased opinions. You'll never believe me.

I am tired as all hell right now. I feel a little bit sick from the exhaustion. I haven't slept much lately. I got two hours last night, as has been the pattern for some time. I could have gotten more had Levi not been convinced that I can't sleep in the park. I have to sleep tonight...

I'm irritated b/c all I asked for was truth. All I wanted out of all this mess was some honesty, and I'm not even respectable enough for honesty. I get beautiful fabrications of absolute bullshit.

Or so it feels. I don't know what it really is. Nobody will tell me. So I just have to make my own inferences, and they are usually wrong, but what else do I have to go by?Thats the problem with fabrications. They seem so logical when you find them.

I'd love to type more, but I'm so tired that the letters are starting to walk around the screen on me and i can't even read what I'm typing.

My hair looks awesome right now.

I got my license... Now I really am running out of excuses...

Night.

I am not on cloud nine. I am not flying high. I'm not happy as a clown (not saying much, as all clowns look sad). I am not giddy with joy. I don't feel awesome.

But today, I don't care.

I decided last night that I wasn't going to torment myself because it only makes Everett hate me, and it only makes me hate myself, so last night, rather than drive myself crazy, I took my rockin' new Paul Simon cd with me to the park and I danced around the feild like a crazy person, arms and legs flailing in the air, singing my own rendition of songs performed in African. I danced up a storm. That is to say, I danced up a storm until I learned that my camo pants still don't fit me right, due to all the weight I lost around my ass from not eating. I was jamming and flailing like a madman, and my pants fell right off, so there I am, dancing like crazy in the park without any pants on... I went inside to get a belt, and I returned on my journey to flail the night away. Then I felt very alone.

I looked around me and realized even the june bugs weren't bothering me, and I wasn't sure what to do with myself in all that seemingly infinite space, being so freaking small and such. So I called for some company. Not to whine and cry and complain about hating everything. Not to be in a bad mood and slaughter moral, or to say things I would regret the next morning. I just didn' want to be all alone. SO I called Levi, who is allergic to answering phone calls, but I learned that I am no better. He met me at the park, and while we didn't do much flailing, we did hang out, and get the cops called on us for existing. I needed to talk to him anyway, and by two a.m. I was left feeling a lot better about a lot of things. I wouldn't say I was happy or (insert synonym), but I felt less confused and a little more useful. We should hang out more often. We practically don't hang out at all unless one of us is in crisis...

So then I got my two hours of sleep and my too many hours of work, and watched the plan to get me driving fall through once more, and here I am, typing on a blog to a bunch of people who won't remember what I said anyway.

Must make plan of some sort... everything .... gah!!!!

MUSICAL INSPIRATION!!!!!!


A man walks down the street
He says why am I so soft in the middle now
Why am I so soft in the middle
The rest of my life is so hard
I need a photo oppurtunity
I want a shot at redemtion
Don't want to end up a cartoon
In a cartoon graveyard
Bonedigger Bonedigger
Dogs in the moonlight
Far away my well lit door
Mr. Beerbelly Beerbelly
Get these mutts away from me
You know I don't find this stuff amusing anymore

You can be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al

A man walks down the street
He says why am I short of attention
Got a short little attention span
And wo my nights are so long
Where's my wife and family
What if I die here
Who'll be my role model
now what my role model is
gone gone
He ducked back down the alley
With some rolly polly little bat faced girl
All along, along
There were incidents and accidents
There were hints and allegations

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al

A man walks down the street
Its a street in a strange world
Maybe its a third world
Maybe its his first time around
He doesn't speak the language
He holds no currency
He is a foreign man
He is surrounded by the sound
the sound
cattle in the marketplace
Scatterlings and orphanages
He looks around, around
He sees angels in the architecture
Spinning in infinity
He says Amen! and Hallalujah!

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al

"What is this mangled, oozing, empty peice of nothing stuck all over your beautiful peice of art?"

That is my peice of art.

I'm very hungry, and thus feel a little like vomiting, but not so much like eating.

I"m trying to be okay about it. I'm trying to say go do your thing and have a smile about it, but I am failing. Maybe I am such a mess because I am still in love with you, trying to recover from whatever it is i'm suffering from, blowing all my hope to peices because I know it doesn't mean a thing anymore, and dying inside because you are unphased by everything. Did it mean so little that you can be completely unphased?

I'm trying not to be paranoid even though they tell me you are doing this on purpose, just for kicks, just to prove something ,and I'd rather not believe that. Maybe I'm fighting with myself. Maybe i"m battling over wether I want to hold on to everything and stay in the background waiting like I promised I would, and wanting to forget everything and send all the promises I made to hell because promises dont mean much anyway. Maybe I'm having trouble understanding how if everything meant anything, you could sit there and be completely unphased.

And maybe I'm having trouble watching you grow so close to someone you told me reminded you of the girl who broke your heart, and that you had to leave me to figure things out, and how I'm not supposed to wonder if you left me for someone else.

Maybe I"m confused and I don't have much of a release for any of it because I can't go to my best friend, because I'm still trying to figure out how to just be his best friend again, and how I"m just supposed to go on pretending when I gave you everything. I don't have anything left to hold on to, and I'm having some trouble with that okay?

Perhaps I am whiney, and bitchy, and moody and unpleasant to be around, but dammit, I'm not the only one who thinks its a little bit cruel to spend all your time with some girl not two days after you just randomly dump the person who swore they'd marry you and do anything to make you happy, and gave you everything when I've never given anyone anything before. You had me so convinced...

And at the end of every thought, at the end of every paragraph, every sentence, every single word, I think about what I"m saying and I hate myself for it. i want to saw my own hands off sometimes just so I can't write shit like this anymore. I hate myself everytime I think about something like this, because I know I don't mean a word of it, and I know I'm still just holding onto some stupid dream that doesn't mean a thing to you anymore. I hate myself in the morning for hating everything else at night. I don't mean any of it... thats why I never want to tell you whats bothering me, because I explode into these little tantrum laced fits of jealousy that are pointless and meaningless.

We swore we'd always be sisters, but we swore a lot, didn't we? We knew we'd be okay, but we KNEW everything else didn't we? If I can't have my love back, I would like my sister, but I won't force you to be my friend if you want other things. All I'm doing is tormenting you anyway. You went back to just friends a long time ago, but I kept holding on...I told you I would fight for you, even if it meant I had to be fighting from the outside. I meant that part. I meant the things I said Saturday night after the fair. I hoped, but I knew better. I knew that that night was the last time we would be together, just us. I knew, so why would I say anything I didn't mean, if I knew? I wouldn't.

Yes, I am having trouble. A lot of trouble, But I'm still doing things that nobody in history will likely do for you. I'm still just hoping you'll be my friend. I never once asked you to take me back, I never begged you, I never begged God, I never cried to anyone about how I wanted you to take me back, and I never will. Its not fair of me to want that much from you, and its not fair of you to give me anything if you can't give me anything. I love my zombie, but I will never beg him.

I will never hate you. I will never tell you that you are an ass, and I will never demand that you are wrong. If you don't still feel it, its not right, and you aren't an ass for feeling. You aren't an ass for telling me, and you don't make my life miserable.

I will never stop caring about you, and I will never wish you are unhappy. I'll always call you sister, even if you don't want to call me friend. I will never wish angry, vengeful things on you, and I will always be around, if you'll have me. I will never say I told you so.

I won't keep secrets. You know that someday I'll let you read that notebook. But I won't make you do it. I will try never to tell you things I don't mean to your face, and I will not try to intentionally make you feel shitty.

I will never be angry at you for what happened. I wasn't when It happened, and till the day I die, I won't be angry.

These are glimpses into what I write. some things sound so angry, but in the end, theres always something lovely about you.

I dont know how to end this journal. I don't even think I want to post it, really. Hmm...

The truth is, you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I would apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

Accept my apology, believe that I am sorry for everything I do to you. I'll ask you to believe me, but I won't expect you to forgive me.

The daytime isn't so bad, but when night comes along, its like heartbreak all over again. Little things ... that ... just ... hurt. And so at night, I write. I write for hours and hours and I rarely mean a word of it. And then I feel bad because I just have to hope nobody finds it till I'm ready to confess what a bitch I am. And then I hate myself in the morning. I think too much. And I hate myself.

I turned in an application at an apartment today. Time will tell, or something. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it or dreading the very thought.

I am hurting right now. Yes Eric, you are right, they do become pity parties. I hate pity parties, but I am a bitch of a broken heart, so maybe I don't hate them so much. I will confess though, there have been times when I only wanted to talk to you, and you weren't around. Thank you for being his friend. I have plenty. I want to be happy.

I can be, I bet.

I would also like to make a personal note to .... I don't know ... none of the people I'm talking to even read this anyway. so here goes.

Stop hitting on me. Not because I hate you, not because I just "want to be friends". How I feel about anyone has nothing to do with anything. Its just too soon for me. I'm not even done crying about it yet, so give me a break. I am not a peice of meat.

Glad I got that off my chest.

Personal note to Levi. I changed my mind about Styx. I decided on Paul Simon instead.

I"ll finish this later. Food awaits.

I read one and answered it. I have no choice in the matter.

If you read this,you must make a comment of a memory you have of me.
it can be anything you want,it can be good or bad,just so long as it happened.
then post this to your journal.
see what people remember about you.


Last night I went with a group to see Sin City. I enjoyed it. I'm always up for a movie with lots of naked girls... Actually it was enternaining to see. I spent a considerable amount of time feeling invisible. Lots of people looked right through me in the course of the night. Give me crap for whining. I dare you...

Still no word on either apartment. Just my luck I suppose. Prolonge the anxiety. I love the pain.

I have other things to talk about, but if I do I will say something I don't mean. I'ma go look for information about joining a nunnery now.

I love to sing. I'm stuck on the Dresden Dolls this week.

I don't think I want to talk about it anymore. I think I want to just ... pretend.

Today, I am filled with far more questions than answers. I am more curious than apathetic. I am more shallow than quiet. I feel more nervous than comforted. I suspect more and understand less. And I am trying to be particularly careful with my actions toward other people.

I will be crazy in an hour, I'm sure, but at the moment, I am .... getting by.

My hero in diapers had another difficult morning. He came in screaming, as has been the pattern, excluding of course last Sunday when he saved my sanity and my heart. He did not have an easy morning at first. He did however have a lovely service. Two in fact. He was there for the full four hours this morning and his smile is still penetrating my soul. Even with said difficulties at first. I read him stories and we played with cars and he crawled in my lap and made me smile.

Ann, on the other hand, gave me diaper duty today. One little girl found it amusing to make me change her diaper multiple times.

Kids are great.

Suddenly, I ... feel .... different.

"...
We tried not to look at eachother
At this time were we loving
Or did we sit there wondering
I gazed at the window only to see
A reflection of her looking at me

I swallowed the lump in my throat
And held back the urge to cry

The car slowly came to a stop
As much as it hurt
I gave her a hug and whispered I love you
My shoulder became soaked in her tears
I shut the door behind me and
Began my lonely walk to the house

Laying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling
Put my world into perspective

I came to realize that we cannot control someone's decisions
We can only respect them for making these choices

I closed my eyesand let go of this reality
I take a deep breath before the plunge
My dreams pulled the lever
I then fell forever

Up becomes down
Light turns to darkness
A smile becomes a frown
Partnership turns to loneliness
Patience is rationality
Chaos is peace
Peace is but a shadow of death
And I am surreal

A formula for a bad dream
..."


Dammit Kenny... you're so freaking right sometimes it makes me sick.

I came to realize that we cannot control someones decisions
We can only respect them for making these choices.

I wish I could write with as much heart, with as much meaning as that. All I have is ... not even words. Its all crap.

I went looking at apartments today. I'll probably end up in this place in Lewisville. Its an alright place. Its big. Its got lots of ... stuff... in it. Its big and empty. I'm hoping you'll come spend some time with me. Whoever you are. wherever you are. Maybe some of you from PA can even come visit me. When I have furniture, we'll do something.

I need to go do something with my life.

I am going to quit Kroger when I get a car and a new job. I'm sick of being used. They make me work file maintanence and consider me front end so they still don't have to pay me anything.

I go now.

I am really trying to write something lovely, but words are not working with me. All I can come up with is this embarassing pity you pity me b.s. and a bunch of random lines about dirty diapers. I can't write anything lovely or pretty or even meaningful. I can't force my songs to have the meaning I want them to. I can't force anything, can I?

I guess I'm supposed to be moving out this weekend or something. I don't want to be alone... I feel lonely enough without being surrounded by nobody. I"m afraid. Don't leave me alone.

Bla Bla Blah. I hate work. I hate sun. I hate light. I hate EVERYTHING!!!!! Even though I guess I don't.

Don't break my illusion. You will shatter my reality.

Sounds beautiful, no? I didn't write it. But its how I feelish.

I don't know what I am doing. So please come see my in my place I don't own yet, because I don't have a car and I will be stuck there all the time all by myself if you don't.

It will be amazing. And my amazing I mean of course, suck

She seems dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
Leaked throgh and covored me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do
I don't know know what to do
When she makes me sad

She is everything to me
The unriquited dream
A song that noone sings
The unattainable...

She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

But i won't let this build up isnide of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into peices
I won't
No
I don't want to be this
But I won't let this builld up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real.
I can't make her real
She isn't real
I can't make her real
(inside of me)

I didn't really mean it when I said that everything was too perfect. I want it all to be perfect again. I didn't mean it when I said how tired I was of being fixed. I don't want to be broken anymore.

Tests of faith and changes suck more than anything in the world. This ... this is truly what heartbreak feels like. And I thought it was so hard when people wouldn't love me in the first place. Its way more painful when they don't love you anymore.

I won't ask for it to change. I just want to feel again.

On a brighter note...


...


...


...


I have to go now.

My God, it must be over. He even changed my screen saver.

I turns out that this Saturday, I couldn't save everything, and now I fear that its all dead. And there was nothing I could do...

I thought It would last forever, but now... What am I supposed to do?

Nathan, why don't you ever answer your calls.


We even had a song....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking
Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
Hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think its cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?
Well did you?

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Walking
Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
And hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think its cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?
Well did you?

I hate you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
And touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I've slept so long witout you
Its tearing me apart
How'd it get this far
Playing games with this old heart
I've killed a million pretty faces
But I couldn't kill you

I've slept so long without you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I don't really know why we chose this to be our song...

Its not even my business, and I can't stop crying.

Tomorrow morning, before I even get my lazy ass out of bed, somebodies baby is going to die, and theres nothing I can do about it.

All that talking and debating and fits of passion I've allowed myself to get overwhelmed in throughout my life and it hasn't amounted to anything.

Its still going to die. I can't stop it, I can't change it, I can't pretend its not going to happen.

I can't fix it. A girl told me once that I had a Messiah Complex. Thats the medical term, I suppose. A person who becomes wrapped up and overwhelmed in trying to fix the world. Trying to do Jesus' job, to fix everyone elses problems. It always devistates me when I fail. I'm not Jesus, so as you can imagine I usually fail. I almost always fail.

I don't even have the chance to fail this time. Its already got a heartbeat. You can already see it growing. It can move its limbs. In two more weeks it will be a he or a she.

Only, it won't.

Its not my decision. I want it to be. I want to fix everything for her, and for the one who hasn't decided what it will be yet. Who doesn't get the chance.

It happens every day. Someones baby dies. Someones BABY. Thier little boy or little girl. They die. Every time i blink, somebodies baby dies. In six hours, her baby dies. Her little boy or little girl.

She tells me its an amazing feeling, too. A life. Her baby. But in six hours ... its gone. She's scared. Terrified. I'm scared. I hardly know the girl, but I'm scared too.

It happens every day, so why am I falling apart so much harder this time?

I've gotten into monsterous fights with people, huge debates about how wrong it is. My God, some of the things I probably said. I couldn't look at her and tell her she was murdering someone. I couldn't beg her not to. I tried. I wanted to. I wanted to be angry, but I could only be calm, and try to beg her not to in the nicest way on earth. I wanted to argue, but I could only be heartbroken. And just when I was finally starting to patch it back up from the last time it shattered.

I don't want to go to sleep because I know the first thing I will think about when I open my eyes is that its dead, and I coudn't save it.

God, I'm selfish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all o.k.
And not to worry
cause worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small I know
but they're not yours,. they are my own
and they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steal your laugter
and heartache came to visit me
but I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for whats right
cause where theres a man who has no voice
there ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
but they're not yours, they are my own
and they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
in the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray

My hands are small I know
but they're not yours, they are my own
but they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

We are God's eyes
Gods hands
God's mind
We are Gods eyes
Gods hands
Gods heart
We are God's eyes
Gods hands
Gods eyes
Gods hands
God's hands...