I don't have any vastly descriptive quotes or lyrics tonight. Just ramblings.


The last few days now, on and off, I've been overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings. Namely loneliness. No, not romantic loneliness. And its not like I"m all alone or anything. I'm surrounded by people all the time, but so alone. You don't always have to be alone to be lonely. At no other time have I felt so much like this as of lately.

I miss Lancaster. At least there, I wasn't so alone sometimes. I haven't had a sleepover in literally years. I miss it. I miss spending all night wreaking havok on the neighborhood with my best friend. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but I have no real close girl friends, and because of this, I'm suffering. Yeah, I know, how selfish of me. Well I can't please everyone all the time, so I'm going to be a little selfish, just this once. I can't go to sleepovers because I have no girl friends to invite me to such, and I can't roll play with the guys because they play late at night and I have no penis, therefor, I can't sleepover with them either. I lose.

They are all going to make characters tomorrow for thier new modern rollplay. I want to join them, but whats the point? I make a character, play with it once or twice, and never get the oppurtunity again, and Levi is tired of making me new characters for one time roll plays. Looks like I'll be alone again. Everett wanted to do something, but I'll let him have his fun. He doesn't get to spend as much time with them all b/c of working and school. I won't pull him down with me.

I don't know, I'm just lonely. It hit me really bad a few nights ago. They had a sleepover and I was downstairs, listening to them all have fun... I just felt really left out. And theres nothing anyone can really do about it, because, well, I don't have a penis... So I went for a walk that day while they were all recovering from staying up all night having fun. The park was completely empty. So I sat at the playground and watched the clouds go by. I fell asleep there, and when I woke up, I felt even worse. Its hitting me pretty hard right now too. Listening to them talk about the roll play. That I can't be a part of. Because I'm a chick. And I'll be damned if I can't find a song on this Lacuna Coil cd that I feel like listening to. Bad feelings do this to me. I just can't be pleased...

I'm such a woman... and I hate it so much.

PS.. After reading more responses on your blog, I think that "Anonymous" is "shaye" the bible banger.

Bible bangers and Bush brain deadness go hand and hand.



So, someone out there thinks that I have something to hide, and what is a bible banger?


I'd just like to make it perfectly clear right now that I never leave anonymous comments. Ever. I let people know exactly what i think and I put my name on them without fault. Why? Because I'm not hiding from you and your critisizm. Just because you can't figure out who it is that dissagrees with you doesn't mean you have the right to put all your infantile frustrated little blame on me because you're prejudging on no premise whatsoever.

So whoever you are, don't give me your crap. Go find the real person who has thier own opinion that doesn't coincide perfectly with yours. I agreed with some of what you said before I discovered that you don't think about what you say and you just want an easy way to give someone a hard time.


Thanks so much, and goodnight.

This looks like fun.


1. Think of a word that reminds you of me.
2. Go to Google Image Search and search for that word.
3. Select the picture you see as most fitting, and post it as a reply.
4. Post this meme in your journal if it suits your disposition.


I worked a lot yesterday... I was tired. And somewhere in all the hustle and bustle of my falling asleep all over the place last night, I can't seem to remember where I put the two Lacuna Coil cds Chad dropped off here yesterday. Kroger and the house are a lot further away from eachother than you would think when you only have your feet to travel, and it was almost decent in the shade yesterday after about 30 minutes of roasting in the direct sunlight.

I went to the fabric store. I found some material for the one shirt I'm making and a couple of accesory things to decorate it. I also found black and white checkered material that I will do something with. No lime green though. Time to revamp my idea. I wonder why they chose the word revamp... Well its time to turn my idea back into some other form of walking dead bloodlusting creature of unspeakable evils and beauty.... Go revamping... And all I really need to do is find a new color. Thats like the walking dead bloodlusting creature of unspeakable evils and beauty. Sort of. Whats more evil though is the fact that I can't seem to type today. I've jacked up every single word in this entry thus far, and its driving me nuts, so I bid you adieu now, before I saw off my own hands.

Here is link...

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/37/

A little inspiration tonight from Lacuna Coil...

You'll never find another way to be
You'll never change the way to live your life

I cannot write all my confessions
But alone with myselfI can't remind my past
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are an unnatural survivor
Self-abuser hurt your own
All the answers sweet seduction
Chaos keeper out of control
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I need now
What I need is to live to hide
When you smothered my devotion
With your lies
And I feel nowAs I did that time
That I'm wondering why
Still I make you cry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But now it is to late
I know it is natural but now
What can I do without your presence here?
A never-ending pain

Living in me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dance with me,
it can't be so hard
Time to reveal
what's in your heart
Desolation
grief and agony

Walking through a life decayed
while you're repeating
your mistakes
There's another chance
to try to get away

Take another chance
to find a distant sanity
and turn your pain in truth
Take another chance
to fight a different enemy
and try to free it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As an healing wind
That clears the sky
Will you promise me the things you told me?
Will you give me everything I want?

I don't want to please you forever

No lies
I'm purified
And no more failure in my life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


So, uh, yeah. Feeling... something. So ummm, I found out today that my dad is in jail... I'd like to say that I have some normal Shaye like rambling of pages and pages worth of stuff worth actually reading, but I'm still kind of in shock that my dad is in jail.

Charges of ... aggrivated violence, I believe, and some mystery warrent...

In a nutshell, he's got a warrent out and we don't know why, and oh yeah, he attacked my mom. She called the police, the arrested him, he probably has a two month restraining order coming his way... because restraining orders solve anything. He can't talk to her. He's been blocked from the phone to his own house. I don't know exactly whats going on. I haven't talked to my family yet about it.

Yes, I'm angry. And you know, not about what you would think. Its not the fact that he attacked and assulted my mom ... again. I'm unabashedly selfish, too self involved to be angry for that reason. I'm angry because he lied to me ... again. I'm angry because exactly what I knew would happen did happen. I'm angry that he made me feel guilty about staying here and that all those bullshit promises he made me to try and con me into giving him his way were really worth all I thought they would be. Nothing. I'm angry that every thing he has ever told me is a lie. I'm angry that I can't trust my own father. I"m angry that I don't know what a dad is. I'm angry that I can't have the relationship with my father that I want so much. I'm angry that every single word was a fucking lie. Everything. And its never been any different. It will never be any different.

I should be happy that my mom made a choice. I should be happy that the stupid law finally did its part. I should be relieved that noone was seriously hurt. Instead, I'm angry because my dad lied to me.

What does that say about my character?

Other than that, today was fine.

Busiest. Day. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!


Today, we broke our toddler room record when 25 kids came in. Chaos insues. Flatteringly, and oddly frustratingly enough, two of my favorite little munchkins were demanding my full attention. Unfortunately, I can't give all my attention to two kids and simulteniously ensure the safety of 23 others, especially when the two are on opposite ends of the room from eachother and the others want to play kamikazi toddler and fall over eachother. There was nowhere to walk around in the toddler room today.

Still I love my job.

The cutest little girl ever has perfected the pout, but oh, I see right through her adorable little sad face thing. One of my favorite little boys of all time is slowly learning that I can't adhere to his every wish on demand. Still, two kids lead me around by the arm when I couldn't quite comprehend Caralinguistics or Maverickese.

Again, I love my job.

There are more of you to thank today than I can even begin to name here. Thank you for changing me...



Its been a year, give or take a couple of days. But nevertheless, it has been a year since I have intentionally caused myself physical harm. I won't say its been easy, nor, especially in the later months, all that hard. I could have stopped years ago, had I the willpower, but I can safely say I'm done with all that now and its not a place I'm revisiting any time soon.

So what are my thoughts on all of this? Well, call me self absorbed but I"m proud of myself. My actions more so than my thought process, but my mind is going to need a whole lot more revamping, what with the better end of 15 years of mental whiplash and about 3 years worth of battle scars to show for it, not adding another year on to one of those is a start. Maybe I could have stopped before it started on that fatefull December night. Maybe I could have made those four months when I tried so hard before I finally gave up count for something. Maybe I was a stupid kid, or perhaps I had a real problem. Maybe, with different circumstances, I'd be a different person today. Truth is, I don't want to think about that part of my life any longer. I'd rather put it behind me, and I'd say that in this past year, I've been doing pretty good.

This accomplishment, I believe, deserves an orange soda. I think there are still some in the fridge downstairs.



In other news, I'm going to the fabric store on Wednesday. Yay!

"Sleeping through the evenings
hanging dreams inside my head..."


Well I can tell you who isn't doing that... I am suffering from a very severe case of insomnia tonight. Actually, its almots 4 in the morning, and I can't seem to fall asleep for the life of me. This is healthy... I'm going to regret this to no end come ... later on today... Really, I only want to sleep. And I'll be damned if I didn't leave my sleep assisting mallot somewhere that I can't seem to find right now.

Maybe I'll watch the sun rise...

So until next time, this is me, tossing and turning now, and completely screwed in 5 hours. I bid all you crazy heads in dreamyland adieu.

*bows replaced with me falling over from the exhaustion I will indefanantly suffer*

This ... is a beautiful song...

Cemetary Drive off the new My Chemical Romance album.... I will get this cd...


This night
Walk the dead
In a solitary style and crash the cemetery gates
In the dress your husband hates
Lay down
Mark the grave
Where the searchlights find us drinking by the mausoleum door
And they found you on the bathroom floor

I miss you
I miss you so far

And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
Back home off the run
Singing songs that make you slit your wrists
It isn't that much fun
Staring down a loaded gun
So I won't stop dying
Won't stop lying
If you want I'll keep on crying
Did you get what you deserve?
Is this what you always want me for?
I miss you
I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

Way Down, way down, way down, way down, way down, way down, way down, way down

I miss you
I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

I miss you
I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard, made it so hard

Way down, way down, way down, way down, way down, way down, way down, way down, way down

Tell the truth...


http://www.blunttruthgame.com/takesurvey.cfm?uid=0335711

I remember...


... shining blue eyes
... pale skin
... blonde hair chopped off
... pig tails
... khakis
... September 11: One year later
... Wednesday night bible study
... canvas purse
... black sharpie
... red white and blue paper clips
... a boy at school
... FMHS
... baby doll tops
... sitting on the couch
... eating too many potatoe chips
... tears over the dead
... tears over a grandfather
... solomn prayers
... smudged eyeliner
... warm hugs
... good advice
... detached mother
... sudden dissapearance
... not wanting to be there
... frogs
... a baptism night
... a scared girl
... 17 and still not driving
... being afraid
... grabbing my hand
... running to the stage
... "What if I mess up"
... the light of Christ
... police 911
... Chinise yo yo
... the phone ringing
... Monday morning
... crying
... dreaming
... its not my fault
... aunt and uncle
... Oklahoma
... unbelievable beauty
... Sherri Youngwood - Restore
... Are you okay?
... some card
... a cousin
... nightmares and daydreams
... Walmart keychain... green
... a little boy


They've got the same eyes...


And tonight, in the two year old room, I saw them again. Sometimes I think I'm forgetting, and I'm sure, to an extent, I am. The little things that I didn't bother to keep under lock and key sometimes fade away, but so many others are there forever, flooding back once I think I've forgotten. I haven't forgotten. Just... misplaced. Little reminders are all it really takes, and then all over again, what I think has passed on in two years suddenly comes back to me like a lost kid who found his way back by chance.

I'll never forget.

Yes, yes its been a long time. So sorry. I really have very little to say, but I thought I'd let you know that I haven't randomly exploded while walking down the crowded streets in the city yet. I'm still fully functional. And very bored. I'm still recovering from a bit of heat illness.

I am bursting with new designs and ideas for clothing and can't wait to put them into action.

I am also itching to listen to the Wallflowers right now.

And so ends another pointless entry. Have a glorious night.

This is going to sound weird,.,.,.

But I can hardly see straight out of my right eye...

Mah energy has gone missing. I went to sleep last night at like 8 and didn't wake up again until almost noon. I worked a whole bunch yesterday and either it took everything out of me or I'm getting sick. I'm not sure which, though I am feeling pretty hungry right now...

My imagination is broken, and I've woken up talking in my sleep more in the past month than I have in my whole life. I never wake up talking unless someone is in the room, but a couple of days ago, I woke up screaming. I didn't see anyone there, but I kept thinking that people were walking around all night because the temperature change was making things creaky and such. I had a dream that my old house was haunted or something and the ghosts were trying to kill me and there were ghost rats everywhere that got fat and looked like cats, so when I realized they were in fact rats I would yell and tell them they were broken and they would bite my fingertips and I'd yell again how they were broken and the louder I yelled the harder they bit me and once I started screaming Broken over and over again, so these rats jumped on me and pulled me to the ground and two of them bit me on my sides really really hard (I feel pain in my dreams) and I started screaming and when I woke up I was still screaming... Yup. My imagination is broken...

I'm going to look into finding food, seeing as how I'm hungry and I have to work in about an hour...

Tah.

I have never


...had a real nosebleed.
...broken a bone.
...passed out
...killed a man with my bare hands.
...met my cousins.
...sky dove.
...been to a wedding.
...held a newborn.
...been on a ship.
...left the country
...been struck by lightning.
...seen a tornado
...told someone I love you and didn't mean it.
...gotten a tatoo
...had a peircing done by a professional
...cried over the death of a family member.
...visited the grave of someone famous (the gates of Graceland excluded)
...been on a large roller coaster
...seen an Alfred Hitchcock movie.
...watched a silent film
...stepped foot on a graveyard in the middle of the night
...dyed my hair (a few strands in the back excluded)
...done another girls eyeliner
...hitch hiked
...seen a meteor shower
...seen a sunrise
...been too snowed in to play outside
...done a drug
...gotten drunk
...had a cavity
...dated someone who was not a libra (by coincedent, not choice)
...slept for 24 hours straight


I HAVE however
...been to drive in movie theater
...had my sternum sawed in half
...had a dream that came true
...watched a sunset
...been to a funeral
...eaten baklava
...dressed up as a spice girl
...done a guys eyeliner
...been bald
...tried to peirce my own ear
...successfully repeirced my own ear
...been in a car accident
...ridden a train cross country
...been hit by a go cart
...gotten a hole in one at golf
...watched a scary black and white movie
...not responded when someone told me they loved me
...tripped over my own feet while not walking
...hit immobile objects while riding a bike
...scored a significant number of points in a basketball game
...carried up to 200 lbs. on my back
...danced until I couldn't move anymore
...performed on the radio
...performed in a public place other than school
...pet an alligator
...had a panic attack
...breathed under water
...nearly drown brushing my teeth
...been published in a book

Is Dr. Pepper supposed to taste like oversweetened watermelon juices after you brush your teeth?

What a weekend I did have. It was kind of lonely, especially in the morning or late at night. Biking to work had its ups and downs. The up side, I needed the excersize. The downside... I got the excersize. And a very generous person on the road ever so kindly reminded me why I wish to be a recluse more often than not. So I'm already not in a great mood due to the fact that the sun still wasn't just a bad dream when I woke up. I'm biking along, minding my own business, and a very generous *ahem* person shares what better have been an orange soda with me. Yep, this guy chucked his drink out the window,.,.,., all over me. Thank you stupid person.

On the other hand, I found a pair of shoes I want, but finding my size is proving difficult. I haven't done much else. I should do the sleep thing now, considering I have to work tomorrow.

Whats so wrong with just being me?

No, nobody told me to change. I'm not whining today about anyone beyond myself.

I'm always talking about being yourself and the hell with what everyone else thinks. Well you know what? I'm a hypocrite. I compare and critique and adjust little things about myself all over the place for the sake of making other people happy. Its great that they find it to be good, but I shouldn't be giving up me for other people. And sometimes its just because i think I'm a dork.

I woke up again this morning talking to myself again. I was having a dream about zombies... they were taking over the world, as zombies sometimes do, but they were super intellegent and super fast zombies. They moved at lightning speed and travelled from room to room through the ventalation, so you could hear them but you couldn't find them. Anyway, zombies were taking over Evs house, and I went outside to hide something from them, but everyone else stayed in the house, and I was really really scared to go back in because they were moving downstairs from ... upstairs... through the air vents, and I knew they were smart and fast because before I was myself, I was a guy in another place hiding from them. I (this random man) Jumped into this underwater shaft and jumped and climbed up to escape, but found myself moving down. Then I was another guy trying to save my first self by climbing into an air vent so the first me could escape... I don't know what happened.

At any rate, next thing I know I'm standing outside by a barn trying to explain to Everett how I had lost my pointer finger on my left hand from the knuckle up, and I was getting ready to explain, showing him the empty space where my finger should have been. It all seemed very real. I felt like when I woke up my finger would be gone or something. It was familiar too, but I don't know how. I've never lost a finger. So all I could manage to say was "I.... I don't remember what happened."

So I woke up, knowing Ev was sitting right next to me, thinking that I had to finish my story or I was going to sound like a babbling moron. After I faced him, eyes still closed, and very loudly proclaimed, "I don't remember" I realized that I still had all my fingers, I had been dreaming, and I sounded like a babbling moron anyway. I had to finish with "Sorry, I"m talking to myself again" and explain the dream.

I sat there thinking, 'I sure wish I wasn't such a dork" when in fact, I like being a dork. Why can't I just be happy being me? Because I'm STUPID!!!!!!!! or something.

Addicted to quizzes...


20 Questions to having a Better Family

Your score as a human being is 47.

This makes you like The Simpsons.
This score isn't so bad. There's hugs and kisses at the end of the day, no matter if they're cynical or sandwiched between comments about how wide your ass is getting. You haven't beat your parents -- you joined them.

The bright side is you have a lot of stories to share, and living through all this malfunction means you're perfectly equipped for dealing with all the asshats in the real world. After your experience with your family, you'll be starved for a new one. Thus you'll love your in-laws, who'll love you back.

Well, by poopular demand (no thats not a spelling error...) and actually only Ev asked me. Here is the link that will make your life better. *Wink wink, theres a better girlfried selection. Please don't take it in fears that you will finally comprehend all the horror that is me and be wisked away by some beautiful on line quiz... Okay, take it if you want...*

How to have a better ...

20 Questions to a Better Personality

Wackiness: 78/100
Rationality: 48/100
Constructiveness: 26/100
Leadership: 40/100

You are a WEDF--Wacky Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you a Menace to Society.

Well, whether you're actually a menace depends on how you choose to channel your energies. You chew your fingers and have an addictive personality. Properly guided, you can be enormously productive--otherwise you run amok, stir up trouble, and generally have a hell of a good time.

To your friends, you are a source of relentless entertainment. You often get into trouble, but you almost always find a way out. You are strangely popular and feed off others' energy. You live hard, seize the day, and although your more sober friends would like to see you settled down, you generally have fewer regrets and better memories than they do. Your tenet is that, at the end of the day, one regrets only what one didn't try. You are right.

You could benefit from outside help in balancing your highs and lows. Or perhaps cutting back on the caffeine.

Of the 13268 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 4.9 % are this type.



20 Questions to a Better Relationship

eXpressive: 7/10
Practical: 2/10
Physical: 4/10
Giver: 4/10

You are a XSIT--Expressive Sentimental Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Hellcat.

Yowza, you are fiery to be with. You're dynamic and volatile and a living roller coaster. You're also very attractive and immaculately groomed, so your target sex gets drawn in like a moth. You love the attention and never get tired of it. At a party you command attention, but you're a lightweight with alcohol and if you drink too much there can be trouble.

Like an XSYT, you tend to over-analyze things, so the slightest comment or action from your significant other can send you into a tailspin. Conflict with you can be either very productive or very dangerous. You are incapable of lying -- you have no guile -- and if your partner can't handle the truth, that's his/her problem, not yours. You are explosive when you're upset, but when the smoke clears you are right back on track with no ill will.

This is a highly effective way to resolve issues and keep them from brewing, but this can stun and hurt a partner with a more laid-back approach. You aren't angry later, but s/he might be. Make sure when you've gotten your satisfaction that your partner is satisfied as well!

You would never cheat. But combine your hot-blooded style with the fact that your partner is *attracted* to that style, and you've got a recipe for being cheated on. If you pair up with an X_YG (and that's not unlikely) you may get caught in his/her cycle of cheating. Make sure your partner feels appreciated and loved to balance out the fire of your approach to conflict.

If you're female, you're kind of like Evita or Teresa Heinz Kerry. I can't think of any famous men like this.

Of the 40318 people who have taken this quiz, 5.1 % are this type.

Just a quick note to the fox news station.

First of all, while the tremendous spread of STD's is a big issue, shouldn't you be more focused on the fact that the college age youth is running around having premiscuous sex with everyone they see? After all, more than a million late teen to early 20 something age people, an enormous percentage of my generation, don't get STD's from one partner. No more than a million kids are sharing it with each other. I know how we can solve this. Don't have sex with everyone you see and you're a whole lot less likely to contract an STD. Hey that rhymes. Maybe it will be my motto.

Now on to drugs... Casual use, addiction, death... I can solve this one too. Don't take ecstasy, plain and simple. Of all the stupid drugs that could become a rage, X has got to be the worst by far. Don't casually do ecstasy and you won't burn holes into your brain, you know that thing that God shoved into your skull so you would use all that knowledge crammed in there. The less holes you have in your brain, the more likely you are to realize how stupid that is to do and the less likely you are to be addicted to it. And the less addicted you are, the less you die from it, because if the drugs don't kill you, eventually I will.

So, Fox News Station, if you're going to report on huge issues of our time, stop tiptoeing around the real issues trying to solve the little ones in such a way that everyone will be happy and your ratings won't go down, because you actually gather up the balls to tell us not to do stupid mind altering brain material frying drugs so we don't die, and to keep our pants on so we don't rot. Either solve the problem right, or don't even bother. Go on and talk about politics like theres a good, honest politician on earth and let someone deal with these kinds of issues who actually gives a sixteenth of a damn, please.

Today, I watched the news...