A little inspiration tonight from Lacuna Coil...

You'll never find another way to be
You'll never change the way to live your life

I cannot write all my confessions
But alone with myselfI can't remind my past
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are an unnatural survivor
Self-abuser hurt your own
All the answers sweet seduction
Chaos keeper out of control
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I need now
What I need is to live to hide
When you smothered my devotion
With your lies
And I feel nowAs I did that time
That I'm wondering why
Still I make you cry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But now it is to late
I know it is natural but now
What can I do without your presence here?
A never-ending pain

Living in me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dance with me,
it can't be so hard
Time to reveal
what's in your heart
Desolation
grief and agony

Walking through a life decayed
while you're repeating
your mistakes
There's another chance
to try to get away

Take another chance
to find a distant sanity
and turn your pain in truth
Take another chance
to fight a different enemy
and try to free it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As an healing wind
That clears the sky
Will you promise me the things you told me?
Will you give me everything I want?

I don't want to please you forever

No lies
I'm purified
And no more failure in my life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


So, uh, yeah. Feeling... something. So ummm, I found out today that my dad is in jail... I'd like to say that I have some normal Shaye like rambling of pages and pages worth of stuff worth actually reading, but I'm still kind of in shock that my dad is in jail.

Charges of ... aggrivated violence, I believe, and some mystery warrent...

In a nutshell, he's got a warrent out and we don't know why, and oh yeah, he attacked my mom. She called the police, the arrested him, he probably has a two month restraining order coming his way... because restraining orders solve anything. He can't talk to her. He's been blocked from the phone to his own house. I don't know exactly whats going on. I haven't talked to my family yet about it.

Yes, I'm angry. And you know, not about what you would think. Its not the fact that he attacked and assulted my mom ... again. I'm unabashedly selfish, too self involved to be angry for that reason. I'm angry because he lied to me ... again. I'm angry because exactly what I knew would happen did happen. I'm angry that he made me feel guilty about staying here and that all those bullshit promises he made me to try and con me into giving him his way were really worth all I thought they would be. Nothing. I'm angry that every thing he has ever told me is a lie. I'm angry that I can't trust my own father. I"m angry that I don't know what a dad is. I'm angry that I can't have the relationship with my father that I want so much. I'm angry that every single word was a fucking lie. Everything. And its never been any different. It will never be any different.

I should be happy that my mom made a choice. I should be happy that the stupid law finally did its part. I should be relieved that noone was seriously hurt. Instead, I'm angry because my dad lied to me.

What does that say about my character?

Other than that, today was fine.