I don't have any vastly descriptive quotes or lyrics tonight. Just ramblings.


The last few days now, on and off, I've been overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings. Namely loneliness. No, not romantic loneliness. And its not like I"m all alone or anything. I'm surrounded by people all the time, but so alone. You don't always have to be alone to be lonely. At no other time have I felt so much like this as of lately.

I miss Lancaster. At least there, I wasn't so alone sometimes. I haven't had a sleepover in literally years. I miss it. I miss spending all night wreaking havok on the neighborhood with my best friend. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but I have no real close girl friends, and because of this, I'm suffering. Yeah, I know, how selfish of me. Well I can't please everyone all the time, so I'm going to be a little selfish, just this once. I can't go to sleepovers because I have no girl friends to invite me to such, and I can't roll play with the guys because they play late at night and I have no penis, therefor, I can't sleepover with them either. I lose.

They are all going to make characters tomorrow for thier new modern rollplay. I want to join them, but whats the point? I make a character, play with it once or twice, and never get the oppurtunity again, and Levi is tired of making me new characters for one time roll plays. Looks like I'll be alone again. Everett wanted to do something, but I'll let him have his fun. He doesn't get to spend as much time with them all b/c of working and school. I won't pull him down with me.

I don't know, I'm just lonely. It hit me really bad a few nights ago. They had a sleepover and I was downstairs, listening to them all have fun... I just felt really left out. And theres nothing anyone can really do about it, because, well, I don't have a penis... So I went for a walk that day while they were all recovering from staying up all night having fun. The park was completely empty. So I sat at the playground and watched the clouds go by. I fell asleep there, and when I woke up, I felt even worse. Its hitting me pretty hard right now too. Listening to them talk about the roll play. That I can't be a part of. Because I'm a chick. And I'll be damned if I can't find a song on this Lacuna Coil cd that I feel like listening to. Bad feelings do this to me. I just can't be pleased...

I'm such a woman... and I hate it so much.