"Heavens not a place that you go when you die
Its that moment in time when you actually feel alive..."

In which case, this is not heaven... I just sort of randomly started feeling pooty. Lonely. Purposeless. I feel completely empty right now. Dead inside. Like nothings in there. I feel numb. I feel stupid. I feel inadiquate. Like the things I try to do to the best of my ability really don't matter.

I feel unloved, unwanted, unimportant. I feel like I'm doomed to feel this way forever, even though I know none of these are true.

I feel like running and flying away and dancing on clouds all night long, but I know I will just fall through them, thus making me feel very large. I feel human. I feel insecure and over emotional, and I want to Shaye-bash. I'm feeling very jealous, but of what, I'm not entirely sure.

I'm feeling moody and angry and touchy, but I want to feel girly. I want to be held and I want to cry and not feel weird about it. I want to feel loved unconditionally and doubtlessly and I want to be able to look into the eyes of the person holding me and loving me unconditionally and doubtlessly and see neither condition nor doubt. I can't do that though. Everyone has conditions. Everyone has doubts. And theres nothing I can do about that, except be jealous of the people who conditioned them and made them doubt, but thats not right either. In the end, jealousy solves so very little.

So rather than be jealous and moody and touchy, I will cram all these chidlish and stupid thoughts deep inside of me where noone can find them, or even notice that they exist. I will tell myself that everythings alright and believe it, somehow...

I don't want to say that this is hell, since it is far from heaven, but is there an in between? All this nonsense that I think I am feeling could only be hell, unless it is neurosis, which is also a grand possibility...

Now I can't even decide .... I don't even know what I"m deciding.

I'm okay. Trust me. I've made it this far, so I"m okay.

"make it easy on yourself, and dont worry about me"

I swear when I woke up this morning, I almost didn't know where I was. I had this strange sensation that I was going to wake up in my old room in PA rather than here in TX in the living room. I was overwhelmed by the same sensations that followed me everywhere my freshman year. I felt I was going to stretch and pull that big blue comforter over myself to keep off the October chill. I half expected to see my baby blue walls and star stickers on the roof and cluttered corners of stuff I didn't need. I thought I would get up and see that thick film of wet on the windows from it being so cold outside and so warm inside. I believed I would eventually get up and pull a hoodie and some jeans on and go outside to walk in the autumn air. Freeze my lungs and play in the leaves. When I woke up it was humid and I was sleepy and delerious.

a p p e a r a n c e
Height: .5 even. So short
Hair color: blonde....ish
Skin color: somewhere between pale and red
?Eye color: today? Pale orange with green along the outside
Piercings: Just mah ears. Though I"m contemplating that nose ring
Tattoos: I have some stuff written on me in Sharpie. Does that count?
r i g h t n o w
What color are the pants that you are wearing? Black with orangey flames
What song are you listening to right now? Spill Canvas - Tide. But I am actually humming Vermillion Part II By Slipknot
What taste is in your mouth? A&W Root Beer, and apple
What's the weather like now? rainy and humid
How are you? decently lonely and very tired
Get motion sickness? Only on a swing or in a car with a smoker
Have a bad habit? where shall I begin
Like to drive? I wouldn't go that far

f a v o u r i t e s
TV shows: Every time I admit my favorite show it gets cancelled
Conditioner: suave sea breeze or lavender
Book: Probably I Never Promised You A Rose Garden
Non-alcoholic drink:Cherry Coke, Mr. Pibb (none of that Xtra crap) and Watermelon Kiwi Kool aid
Alcoholic drink: I dont' drink
Thing to do on the weekend: spend time with friends. Sunday morning

h a v e y o u
Broken the law: I've done a few things in my life I shouldn't have, but not much more serious than harmless excursions and jay walking
Ran away from home: Sort of. I never made it too far. Unless this counts as running away from home...
Snuck out of the house: not my own. I never had to sneak.
Ever gone skinny dipping: Not since I was five
Ever tipped over a porta potty: COnsidering I don't touch Porta Potties...
Used your parents' credit card before: They don't have one
Fell asleep in shower/bath: More times than i can count
Been in a school play: Kind of

l o v e
girlfriend: Kristy probably...
Boyfriend: Evness
Children: Just the toddlers
Current crush: The last thing I tripped over
Been in love: I believe so
Had a hard time getting over someone: haven't we all been there?
Been hurt: Physically or mentally
Your greatest regret: I read once never to regret anything you did b/c at some point it was what you wanted... Unfortunately I still have regrets. Being a stupid kid most of my life is one of them
Gone out with someone you only knew for 3 days:Not to my knowledge
Do you have a job: Yes!!!! and yes...
Your cd player has in it right now: Staind - Shades of Grey ... I think
If you were a crayon what color would you be: I'd be the box of crayons that got left in the sun and all melted together to make one gagnormous multicolored SUPERCRAYON ...
What makes you happy: Knowing that somone thinks I'm beautiful even if I can't agree yet
What makes you happiest:making other people happy
What's the next CD you're gonna get:Whatever I come across for cheap
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
Time you cried: About 1:00 this morning. If you can call that crying
Time you got a real letter: forever ago
Time you got e-mail: last time I opened my e mail
Thing you purchased: some unfortunately unpleasant granola bars
Movie you saw in the theater: I can't even remember...

y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
Abortion: murder
Teenage smoking:as stupid as regular smoking
Spice Girls: heh... I used to think I was a spice girl. They are funny
Dreams: proof that I need severe mental help

=Word association=
Rubber: duckie...
Rock: boulder
Green: goblin
Wet: squishy
Cry: acid
Peanut: monsters
Hay: is for chimps
Cold: joy
Steamy: humid
Fast: lane
Freaky: deeky
Rain: The song Tommorow from Annie
Bite: things
Fuck: words
Blows: monkey bubbums?

Now that I've wasted your time and brain power. I run away screaming

This song is really beautiful. Sad, and a bit sadistic, but a gorgeous song...

Spill Canvas - Tide


And there's three, count 'em three
Children playing on the beach
They were eager to learn,
To be taught and to teach

There's Veronica
She's biting her lip
As she watches the waves
Turn white at the tip
And there's Vada
Radiating with joy
And luckily she still
Can't stand the sight of a boy
And lastly there's Dade
His hair dances in the wind
And he's wondering what love is
And why it has to end

And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing
When true love ends
His mother whispers quietly...
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life
When you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so
Forget anything that you have heard
And live for the moment now
And there's three, count 'em three
Children growing on the beach
They were eager to learn,
To be taught and to teach
There's Veronica She's licking her lips
As she waits for her real,
First passionate kiss
And there's Vada
Can't admit her jealousy
Of her sister Veronica,
And how she's so pretty
(And how she's so pretty)
Lastly there's Dade
Still sitting on the dock
Ponders his life, and he skips his rocks
And he wonders when his father will return
But he's not coming back

And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing
When true love ends
His mother whispers quietly...
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life
When you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax
So forget everything that you have heard
(Forget everything)

And there's three, count 'em three
Children missing from the beach
They were eager to learn,
To be taught and to teach

But the sad thing Is that they never lived passed
The age of fifteen
Due to neglect from their mother
Who was bed ridden
By her ex-lover, their father
She didn't even notice,
Or pay much attention
As the tide came in and swept
Her three into the ocean
Now all her advice, it seems useless

No, heaven's not a place
That you go when you die
It's that moment in life
When you touch her and you feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice,
Live by every word
Love's completely real,
So forget anything that you've heard
And live for the moment now

"Who is Gods son?"

...Jesus...

"Who came down from heaven to save you?"

...Jesus...

"Whats the square root of nine?"

...Jesus...



I love it how in church, every kids answer to practically every question is "Jesus". Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

"No Billy, the answer is..."

No, adult type person who is too stricken with power to realize how smart that kids answer is. Billy is right. Jesus is the answer to everything. Its so silly how we forget that little tidbit of information, and little kids remind us every single time we ask them a question after church. I understand that, yes, I"m sure kids need to get thier facts down at some point. I'm sure that one day they will fully understand that the square root of nine is actually three, but why do we never reward kids for understanding that one crucial peice of information. Jesus is everything. Because we forget. WE forget over and over again. I forget. Every single day, at some point, I forget. But I'm always reminded in some way, even if I don't see it.

Kids are so smart.

"If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing,
wouldn't that be something?
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about just one thing
wouldn't that be something?
Even though I know
I don't wanna know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds..."


I'm tired. I'm plain sick and tired of leaving the house, getting out, becoming interactive with the world, only to remember that I don't feel like it. I'm tired of being afraid of myself for no reason, for playing "Pity me" games with everyone I see, just because I don't feel good. I'm ready to jump and run and dance and shout to the whole world that life is good. I'm ready to accept those unavoidable complements and be satisfied being with myself for periods of time. I'm ready to get over my frustrations. I'm ready to feel alive outside my shell, living beyond the borders of my unabashedly finite comfort zone. I'm ready to be myself again. Unfortunately, I'm still too content being angry. I'm still so sporadically unhappy, and I'll be damned if I don't like it that way... It sounds unusual for me I realize, but...


... I'm just ready to be normal again.

It has come to my attention that one on one with people, I'm okay to them, but in quantities any larger than that, I am a joke, and that makes me very unhappy.

Not that I wasn't unhappy already.

Emotionally, I am just having a shitty week.

I don't know whats wrong with me. i'm touchy and paranoid. I hate everything. I"m lonely. I can't look in the mirror without feeling sickened by that pathetic haze of a supposed reflection staring me in the eyes. I take comments made as jokes to heart so personally that sometimes i have to fight back tears.

I'm turning into a girl.

Yeah, I'm crazy and I freak out over things, but so what?

Yeah, I'm probably alienating myself, but who doesn't?

I miss my family. I miss being able to walk to the store to get shampoo. I miss not loathing my stupid job. I miss sleepovers. I miss watching scary movies at three in the morning. I miss being able to decorate my bedroom. I miss the time when I really honestly believed I had a future. I miss singing my heart out. I miss dancing. I miss having a conversation without hearing the word boobs.

I miss having something to bitch about.

What do I have to complain about anyway? Things are going great for me right? I live with parents who don't want to kill each other. I have this amazing person in my life who always makes me smile. I have great friends... so why am I so goddamn angry?

I've even been depriving some friends of the attention I know they need without even meaning to.

So this is what its like to be a pillar of strenth held together by paper clips. Its been a while.

When I first moved here, I started walking home from school, and I remember being angry for no reason, I would become more and more angry with every step and I felt like I was exploding. This pressure would build and build and anyone could be the victem of my final snap. I was slowly breaking down. For no reason. It was the same thing every day with every step, every foot, every mile. I was losing my mind. i was having one big long nervous breakdown. I feel like that again. I went for a walk, and every step was more painful than the last, and when I finally finished that excruciating travel... I only felt worse. Angrier, in more pain.

And I know part of the reason.

Besides the fact that I'm nuts...

I have been deprived of that feeling of being in Christs light for too long. I can't find him again. And the more I search the more lost I find myself. I'm following this map, studying the lines and roads, reading the street signs, but the fucking names keep changing. The lines won't stay still. All the dots and dashes and coffee stains are dancing around and I don't know where I am. Its the worst feeling in the world, to be spiritually lost and not know where to search next. And it seems like the more I pray, the worse off things get. I pray for peoples health and they become more sickly. I pray for peace and find only this unshakable rage. I pray for clarity and become more and more lost. And I know my savior is so close, the answer is right in front of me, but can I see it? Heavens no... The question, I know, is not 'where is my God when I need Him" but 'where am I when I need my God.' And I don't know.




Or maybe the drastic lifestyle change has finally sunken in and I'm feeling the effects of the situation that I should have been panicking about two months ago.

I don't have oodles of time today, but I'll make a quick stop here anyway.


I am regressing. Its random and inconsistant, but I'm regressing. I keep falling into these moody states of ugly feelings that I used to practically live in. They aren't enjoyable feelings. I get into this whole 'I'm so unhappy, please end my pain, focus all your attention on me or I will surely die from my own rediculous self loathing' deal, and find it impossible to crawl out of it. But its not consistant, not by a long shot. Some times I feel great, sometimes I feel like absolute donkey crap. My mom and friends like to tease about how I might be a little bit manic depressive, but noone takes that seriously. Even I don't believe it. But sometimes I do feel it.

I am whiny. We all knew that.... Lets stop.


NEXT

When the weather gets rainy, i love it. Rain is gorgeous, but I always get this feeling like I belong somewhere else. I feel like moving to the city. Not the big city. Like downtown somewhere. I don't want to be there, but I feel like I have to be. I can see it all in my head perfectly. I can hear my footsteps echoing off the graffiti and wet pavement. My pale shoulders are trembling in the cold. A mist of rain and pollution falls down on me as I wander the empty city alone. The drops collect in my hair, forcing it to crimp and seperate, falling into my eyes in tangles. I'm just wandering around aimlessly in the dirt under the nails of the city. The grime floating around in the air is part of my, sinking into my skin, and the debris is clinging to my clothing. i don't want to be there,but I have to be.

It seems disgusting , I know, but in my own mind, there is a type of beauty that I only seem to imagine of myself when I'm surrounded by ugliness. And I've been in a pretty self loathing mood lately.


I have to go now. Forgive my terrible writing. It sounded much better in my head.

My pain is unimaginable...


Actually I'm just really tired. When my alarm went off this morning, I turned it off... which was bad b/c I was biking to work. Luckily, as usual, my internal clock got my ass up with just enough time to make me afraid that I would be heinously late. I was not.

I want to write pretty words, I really do. I can see them in my head, but my fingers have neither the energy nor the patience to deal with this keyboard. And thus, I depart you. Until.... later...

I am very bored.

Just chillin out... all by myself....

I've done all the sewing I can stand for one day.

Everyone seemed sad and distant today.

My account finally fixed itself.

I have to work a lot next week, and, surprize, I don't want to.

I have nothing interesting to say.

I also have a stomach ache.

Just thought I'd let you know that I'm alive.

I"m going to get an I.d on thursday. Joy!!!

Finally noone can say that theres no way that i'm above fourteen.

And my back hurts.

G'night.

"When i grow up I'll be stable,
when I grow up I'll turn the tables..."


So very often does the question come up of what I am going to do with my life. Its quite a list.


Musician/singer/songwriter/dancer
marine bioligist
forensic scientist
criminal psychologist
adolescent psychologist
professional bum
writer (aka collections of short stories)

and the newest to be suggested to me

Fashion designer?

I could do fashion. Ev and I even came up with a name for my line. Check this. Fashion for the Fashionably Inept. I would excel in things that noone in thier right mind would ever wear. Much like I do now. But do I really want my ideas being sold off to the world? Maybe. Then I could be like "Hey, thats totally my design and you are wearing it."I could have like a little boutique or something and give it a strange, classy name like... borderline neurosis.... Okay that was just strange and I have no ideas... NOT the point.

Maybe I could just write and play songs about criminially insane, and dead, teenage marine life while dancing around in my superbly anti-stylish torn long underwear, flannel jacket and matted hair.

It'd be like the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins.
Chim chimney chim chimeny chim chim cheruuuuuu, this fish is neurotic and killing things too....

I think I could be happy that way.

I have about an hour of myselfness time before going to work, and I think I'll either laze around or destroy some of my clothes for a while.

I (mostly) finished my Cottonwoord Art Festival shirt yesterday and wore it to ... well the Cottonwood Arts Festival. I am all heat sick and wished not to get out of bed this morning. The occasional blasts of thunder and pounding rain may be the only reasons I got up. I decided it was a good idea not to shower too long when lightning started flashing outside the bathroom window though...

A lady at the Festival really liked my creation. She made neat things too. Scarves with .. rocks in them. Super neato. And I sewed together the screenprints from some old Cottonwood Show t shirts. I'm pretty happy with the results. Just a few little things that must be fixed, and I can smile about it.

Heat sickness makes me car sick, and that sucks a lot. I'ma go cut up my skirt now. Tah.

"Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me
oh, twice on the pipe, if the answer is no..."
Man, I must be transforming into girl mode lately. I am absolutely itching to watch My girl and Now and Then.

Some times I think I wish I were more feminine. It might be fun to wake up in the morning and put on flowy skirts and pretty jewelry and do my make up. I haven't worn make up... since Prom. Of course, I was never very feminine. I never dress all frilly and pretty and when I do, I get very self concious b/c I have no girl friends so all my guy friends look at my like I've finally fallen off my rocker and landed in Windsor or something. *Sigh* Such is life.

And with that

"I've got sunshine on a cloudy day
when its cold outside, I"ve got the month of May
I guess you'd say what can make me feel this way
My girl (my girl)
Talking bout my girl
My girl
OOOOOHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO

I've got...."

I forget the rest of the song. At any rate, I must now prepare for another joyous bike to work. And I swear if someone throws something at me today... *shakes fist*

Actually, someone just pray that I live through it, seeing as how I'll be biking home in the dark.