It has come to my attention that one on one with people, I'm okay to them, but in quantities any larger than that, I am a joke, and that makes me very unhappy.

Not that I wasn't unhappy already.

Emotionally, I am just having a shitty week.

I don't know whats wrong with me. i'm touchy and paranoid. I hate everything. I"m lonely. I can't look in the mirror without feeling sickened by that pathetic haze of a supposed reflection staring me in the eyes. I take comments made as jokes to heart so personally that sometimes i have to fight back tears.

I'm turning into a girl.

Yeah, I'm crazy and I freak out over things, but so what?

Yeah, I'm probably alienating myself, but who doesn't?

I miss my family. I miss being able to walk to the store to get shampoo. I miss not loathing my stupid job. I miss sleepovers. I miss watching scary movies at three in the morning. I miss being able to decorate my bedroom. I miss the time when I really honestly believed I had a future. I miss singing my heart out. I miss dancing. I miss having a conversation without hearing the word boobs.

I miss having something to bitch about.

What do I have to complain about anyway? Things are going great for me right? I live with parents who don't want to kill each other. I have this amazing person in my life who always makes me smile. I have great friends... so why am I so goddamn angry?

I've even been depriving some friends of the attention I know they need without even meaning to.

So this is what its like to be a pillar of strenth held together by paper clips. Its been a while.

When I first moved here, I started walking home from school, and I remember being angry for no reason, I would become more and more angry with every step and I felt like I was exploding. This pressure would build and build and anyone could be the victem of my final snap. I was slowly breaking down. For no reason. It was the same thing every day with every step, every foot, every mile. I was losing my mind. i was having one big long nervous breakdown. I feel like that again. I went for a walk, and every step was more painful than the last, and when I finally finished that excruciating travel... I only felt worse. Angrier, in more pain.

And I know part of the reason.

Besides the fact that I'm nuts...

I have been deprived of that feeling of being in Christs light for too long. I can't find him again. And the more I search the more lost I find myself. I'm following this map, studying the lines and roads, reading the street signs, but the fucking names keep changing. The lines won't stay still. All the dots and dashes and coffee stains are dancing around and I don't know where I am. Its the worst feeling in the world, to be spiritually lost and not know where to search next. And it seems like the more I pray, the worse off things get. I pray for peoples health and they become more sickly. I pray for peace and find only this unshakable rage. I pray for clarity and become more and more lost. And I know my savior is so close, the answer is right in front of me, but can I see it? Heavens no... The question, I know, is not 'where is my God when I need Him" but 'where am I when I need my God.' And I don't know.




Or maybe the drastic lifestyle change has finally sunken in and I'm feeling the effects of the situation that I should have been panicking about two months ago.