I don't have oodles of time today, but I'll make a quick stop here anyway.


I am regressing. Its random and inconsistant, but I'm regressing. I keep falling into these moody states of ugly feelings that I used to practically live in. They aren't enjoyable feelings. I get into this whole 'I'm so unhappy, please end my pain, focus all your attention on me or I will surely die from my own rediculous self loathing' deal, and find it impossible to crawl out of it. But its not consistant, not by a long shot. Some times I feel great, sometimes I feel like absolute donkey crap. My mom and friends like to tease about how I might be a little bit manic depressive, but noone takes that seriously. Even I don't believe it. But sometimes I do feel it.

I am whiny. We all knew that.... Lets stop.


NEXT

When the weather gets rainy, i love it. Rain is gorgeous, but I always get this feeling like I belong somewhere else. I feel like moving to the city. Not the big city. Like downtown somewhere. I don't want to be there, but I feel like I have to be. I can see it all in my head perfectly. I can hear my footsteps echoing off the graffiti and wet pavement. My pale shoulders are trembling in the cold. A mist of rain and pollution falls down on me as I wander the empty city alone. The drops collect in my hair, forcing it to crimp and seperate, falling into my eyes in tangles. I'm just wandering around aimlessly in the dirt under the nails of the city. The grime floating around in the air is part of my, sinking into my skin, and the debris is clinging to my clothing. i don't want to be there,but I have to be.

It seems disgusting , I know, but in my own mind, there is a type of beauty that I only seem to imagine of myself when I'm surrounded by ugliness. And I've been in a pretty self loathing mood lately.


I have to go now. Forgive my terrible writing. It sounded much better in my head.