"Heavens not a place that you go when you die
Its that moment in time when you actually feel alive..."

In which case, this is not heaven... I just sort of randomly started feeling pooty. Lonely. Purposeless. I feel completely empty right now. Dead inside. Like nothings in there. I feel numb. I feel stupid. I feel inadiquate. Like the things I try to do to the best of my ability really don't matter.

I feel unloved, unwanted, unimportant. I feel like I'm doomed to feel this way forever, even though I know none of these are true.

I feel like running and flying away and dancing on clouds all night long, but I know I will just fall through them, thus making me feel very large. I feel human. I feel insecure and over emotional, and I want to Shaye-bash. I'm feeling very jealous, but of what, I'm not entirely sure.

I'm feeling moody and angry and touchy, but I want to feel girly. I want to be held and I want to cry and not feel weird about it. I want to feel loved unconditionally and doubtlessly and I want to be able to look into the eyes of the person holding me and loving me unconditionally and doubtlessly and see neither condition nor doubt. I can't do that though. Everyone has conditions. Everyone has doubts. And theres nothing I can do about that, except be jealous of the people who conditioned them and made them doubt, but thats not right either. In the end, jealousy solves so very little.

So rather than be jealous and moody and touchy, I will cram all these chidlish and stupid thoughts deep inside of me where noone can find them, or even notice that they exist. I will tell myself that everythings alright and believe it, somehow...

I don't want to say that this is hell, since it is far from heaven, but is there an in between? All this nonsense that I think I am feeling could only be hell, unless it is neurosis, which is also a grand possibility...

Now I can't even decide .... I don't even know what I"m deciding.

I'm okay. Trust me. I've made it this far, so I"m okay.

"make it easy on yourself, and dont worry about me"