Friday, December 31, 2004

HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So welcome to 05. I just watched an amazerizing fireworks show, and it was amazering. I liked it alot.

I spent much time talking to my uncle today, and he tried to convince me to manipulate and control the world, and become rich by surrounding myself with rich bastards who have no personality and too much money....

I love my uncle, but I really don't mind my insane friends and being picky with my money and other such not so pretentious lovelies.... so I'll likely not take much of his advice.

Speaking of something that has to do with nothing.....

Very little has changed here... The dominant male parental is in rare form ... again ... as usual ....

Shocker. I'm finding it hard to adjust. I suppose its pretty hard to readjust to pain when you spend so much time surrounded by beauty. It really opens my eyes to how blessed I am, which is good, because I take it for granted. I forget that I'm lucky and I can be different. It still hurts though, watching the shit slowly build up.

I had something deep and meaningful to say... but I'm not saying it .... for some reason... I am tired.

And I can't stop coughing.

I love someone.

I must have a look about me...

because four people mistook me for working at the store I was in. I was pretty dressed up, so I can almost understand those weird kids at hot topic who were kicking eachother around. But the multiple middle aged ladies at Thrift Town? I dunno. Got that "i work everywhere" look about me, i guess. At any rate, I got a pattern, and I"m going to make something, with pattern and raw material, using a macine, for the first time ever.

Coming back in two whole days... ( I miss Everett)

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Its been an interesting couple of days. I still want to live... don't worry.

Christmas was nice. I have a dvd player now,.,.,., and I totally have a place to put it? Nevertheless... Anyway, Christmas night I got really really sick, and I'm still recovering. Happens every year without fail. I get violently ill. Still have a sore throat, but such is life. Yesterday I concluded that I am going to make it a goal to collect all the movies Christina Ricci was in, because I like her alot. I watched Monster, Pumpkin, and the Laramie Project almost back to back, I"m now listening to Rachel Kurtz, trying to block out my dads snoring till I go to bed. My mom and I are going shopping tomorrow. I did Celenas make up.... and it looked really really good children. I am amazing.

And I miss my zombie. I tried to call Ev today and his phone just sort of kept ringing and ringing, so I hung up, just a bit teary eyed, and watched a movie with my mom. I figure he was out with the guys or something, so I didn't take it personally or anything, I just missed hearing his voice. I'm sure the next four or five days will be really good for the two of us anyway. I think we were really starting to take eachother for granted, always being there and such, and I know it will be a million times more amazing to see him when I finally get back..... but for now, I miss my zombie.

Suppose I should do the sleep thing.

I keep going swimming. I guess I'm insane, swimming in December.... but .... hot tub... and ..... guilt trips. I'd almost forgotten what those felt like. So to say the least, my skin is shot and taking warm showers hurts.... My legs are all messed up... something in the pool water I guess. And while its good for my face, its not quite so good for my sinuses, or my hair, or my brain, or the water bill. I must refrain tomorrow, lest I die.

I enjoy the word lest.

I say that quite often.

Tah.

Friday, December 24, 2004

No, ev, your not a loser. I'll give you that because I just love you so much.

Sorry about that last one. I was just feeling very lonely and felt like begging for attention.

Day one has gone well so far. I went to do the christmas shopping thing today and found a store at the mall here solely devoted to body peircings.... which I found to be interesting.

Watching Collateral. type later

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

So, people are gathering to role play tonight... and I'm happy.......he he he.....*breaks down into painful violent sobs*

Actually, I"m pissed. I'd like not to be, but I leave tomorrow when I get off work, and I won't see ev for a week, and I was hoping to spend some time with him before I left, just the two of us.... but role plays are .... I don't know.... more important? I want to be mad but I hate being mad at him...Big ol' issues.But what can I do about it? We were supposed to do something together today, so I could spend some time with him before I leave for a WEEK but, it snowed, and now... I'm sort of feeling second rate.... and I hate feeling like I'm not at least as important as some game that he's just going to play every night for the rest of his vacation. And to top it all off... there are just millions of people gathering here and I wish to sit in a corner and cry solely to get the attention of a certain someone sitting next to me killing things....


.... pay attention to me...


I'm just feeling particularly moody and needy and clingy and stuff.... forgive me

I guess I'll see you all in a week.


Oh, I like horses a lot, but I've never ridden one before. And Ev found my glasses sitting on the curb of Morris like someone had set them there or something,.,.,. completely unharmed.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

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For shame...

I've been neglecting my rantings... but blog has been neglecting my entry count... 144 for the last month and a half... even I'm not that bad.

I really want to say something meaningful. I'm sure I have it in me, but my brain doesn't seem to have the capacity to let out all of those supposed deep meaningful thoughts. I go to the parentals house in a few mere days. I'd like to see Everett some in the next two days... but alas.... he has things he is doing, and I won't stop him.

So, I'm listening to Breaking Benjamin, and I really have to pee...

I wish I had something useful to say. Guess, I'll just let you all know how dead I'm not.

And since none of my blogs lately have meant much of anything... I will allow you, the reader, to choose a topic for my following blogs. Just leave me a comment on what YOU want to hear about, and with my own personal descretion of course, I will write about it. Get creative... I'm bored

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Ev makes my face happy....

My legs are cold, and I cut my finger open yesterday at half price books... so typing is very painful... ah the pain.

Well, I have nothing interesting to say... so bye

Monday, December 13, 2004

"I will stay with you
Until my heart is black and blue..."

The implication, of course, is that you will stand by someone else no matter what they do, no matter how much they hurt you... so if you're beating up your own heart.... what of that?


Makes you wonder....

Saturday, December 11, 2004

"And could everyone PLEASE STOP SAYING THE WORD DICK!!!!! It persuades my envy..."

I had some girl time today. I must admit it was much needed. Sam, Ray and I went to the mall and played dress up. Finding tacky dresses and whorish clothing to model in and giggle at because we just looked that funny. I'm going to say that I won by a long shot though, at Deb something or another with my black booty shorts, pink sparkly tank thing and a black mesh shawl. It was pretty gross, but uber fun nevertheless. I missed going to places and trying on goofy crap with friends. We also saw a movie, Blade Trinity, and the quote above is from the movie. Some female vampire played by a horrible actor screams this while locked in a room with a bunch of men talking about thier peni... (its pluralized.... shut up....) she didn't seem too envious, what with acting like a woman trying to get her way, all prettied up with a bad attitude, too much make up, and stilletto ballerina shoes. How masculine. Still though, In a way, I know how that feels, to be trapped up with tons of males, sufficating in the sickening amounts of testosterone replacing the air. Its ... irritating. Of course, I also suffered from a very severe case of penis envy in the sixth grade, but still.... When the character said that, i responded to Sam with "I've felt that way before" and a bunch of guys in the row behind us found that to be absolutely hysterical. There was much laughter.

Not that i don't love my friends. Ev, Kenny, and I were involved in a vigerous game of Risk last night, and Kenny and I began another one that was left very unfinished today. Good times.

My manager is incompetent. She was at the store today freaking out b/c I wasnt' there, and was supposedly an hour late. So she made someone call my house to come find me, when of course it was she who called my house Tuesday night to say "Work Wednesday and I'll relieve you from Saturday" Sure enough, I was right, and she was, to quote the person who called, "special". I sure do wish she would be so very loving, what with giving me trouble for not showing up on the day off she gave me.

I have to do some writing now, and try to get some sleep.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Well, I hate to bitch, but I don't think I can help it.


I don't feel good today. I don't feel happy, I don't feel calm. I hardly feel... I've had a bad day


But I packed myself with caffeine and everyone else thought I was doing great. I find that its easiest for me to act happy when I'm really not. I find its easiest to be outgoing when I want to crawl into a hole. I had a very nice conversation with the man handing out free newspapers today. A guy I work with said he'd never seen me so happy and bubbly before. I LOOKED wonderful today.

I felt.... quite different. I am stressed out, worn out, Shaye-bashing, overdramatizing, complaining, and blocking myself from the world, all because I had a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. I know. But I still feel bad NOW.

The downfall to our rush rush hurry up and get it done society. I'm mad b/c things wouldn't go MY way and now I'm mad because I can't fix it on MY time. I can't do what I want to be able to do NOW. and I can't have all the attention I want NOW. I'm like a little kid.

But for now, I'm tired, the caffeine has long since worn off, and I'm all by myself. I sleep.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

"You're not a bitter, vengeful person. You're a joyful happy person stuck in a terrible place."


While the guy who told me his actually meant Kroger by terrible place, I am in a terrible place right now.

I can't see out of my right eye. Its all blurry, indicating to me that I am desperately in need of a good cry or a good nap.

I've been having a lot of insecure paranoid thoughts lately, irrelevent worries about things that are none of my business.... I am feeling very jealous. Not just jealous, but layers of jealousy. Irrational jealousy, insecure jealousy, bitter rage, jealous fear...

How do I explain that events beyond my control and none of my business, not to mention irrelivent to my situation, still hurt. How do I explain how angry I feel, even though I'm not angry at anybody in particular. How do I explain that I'm afraid of nothing, but scared out of my mind nevertheless?

My real problem is selfishness. Thats the basis of my jealousy. I want things that are just too much of me to ask for. Impossible to have, but I secretly demand them.

So, I guess the question is how do I explain that i'm really just insecure without hammering bulletholes into my ego???


I feel better though, better than I did earlier today. Better than I did when I walked in the door. The word Halo doesn't piss me off right now. Not that I know why it did to begin with... Being touched doesn't make me want to kill right now, not that it should anyway. I feel much more calm. And very freaking tired. I've worn myself out emotinally wondering how to explain a bunch of silliness which makes no sense.

Adieu