"You're not a bitter, vengeful person. You're a joyful happy person stuck in a terrible place."


While the guy who told me his actually meant Kroger by terrible place, I am in a terrible place right now.

I can't see out of my right eye. Its all blurry, indicating to me that I am desperately in need of a good cry or a good nap.

I've been having a lot of insecure paranoid thoughts lately, irrelevent worries about things that are none of my business.... I am feeling very jealous. Not just jealous, but layers of jealousy. Irrational jealousy, insecure jealousy, bitter rage, jealous fear...

How do I explain that events beyond my control and none of my business, not to mention irrelivent to my situation, still hurt. How do I explain how angry I feel, even though I'm not angry at anybody in particular. How do I explain that I'm afraid of nothing, but scared out of my mind nevertheless?

My real problem is selfishness. Thats the basis of my jealousy. I want things that are just too much of me to ask for. Impossible to have, but I secretly demand them.

So, I guess the question is how do I explain that i'm really just insecure without hammering bulletholes into my ego???


I feel better though, better than I did earlier today. Better than I did when I walked in the door. The word Halo doesn't piss me off right now. Not that I know why it did to begin with... Being touched doesn't make me want to kill right now, not that it should anyway. I feel much more calm. And very freaking tired. I've worn myself out emotinally wondering how to explain a bunch of silliness which makes no sense.

Adieu