"I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe..."

So, thats a bit dramatic. For once, I'm breathing just fine. Unfortunately, earlier tonight I wasn't exactly feeling so glorious. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not hurt, or neglected. I'm just bitchy.... and a little bit lonely. You see, I've spent every night for the last three months sitting in a room thats not my own talking to people that don't exist. Thats right, the guys are at another sleepover. And you know, I'm okay with that. I'm not trying to guilt you guys, i'm not mad or anything. But I'll admit, I am a little lonely.

I'd still like to be a part of my friends lives beyond the friday thing, but I can't. I don't have girl friends, and I can't sleepover with my guy friends. i have all these nonexistant memories of fun times we had, and all my d & d characters have long sinced rotted away to dust, vastly legendless. I want to have these things you guys have. I want to have fun, and friends, and times to laugh about, and jokes that noone else will get b/c they just werent there. I"m lonely. "But you live with your boyfriend, whose house gets visitors all the time. Why are you lonely instead of jubilant and merry?" Thats just it... People don't come here. Not to visit me anyway. They come to see Everett, and they hang around with me until he gets home as a back up plan. Don't deny it, please don't lie to me. I know it. I know you call and visit prefering to see Ev and settling for me. And I never see him. I freaking live in the same house, share the same room for Gods sake, and I see him less now than I did when I lived in Lewisville and we had to make time for eachother. Perhaps thats just it. He's right there, so why make the time. I have all the time in the world. I appear to be wrong.

I know this had a purpose... What WAS I trying to say?

Ah yes. Its not your fault. Its nobodies fault that I can't make a life for myself. Its not your fault that I don't get along with girls. Its not your fault that I am a girl myself. Nobodies to blame for the fact that I can't just drive to a friends house or something... save perhaps my own fault. I could learn to tolerate the race that is female if I really wanted to. I'd be willing to try, but girls abandon me. I was supposed to go on a sleepover Friday night, but for reasons unknown to myself, the girls never showed up, so when everyone was making their plans for the rest of the night, yes I felt worse. I had somewhere to be, but I got left in the dust of something more important, and while everyone else was having fun, I was sewing. (Bad when I'm angry. I tend to have a higher accident ratio) While you all laughed about your games and visited your friends, I listened to the birds yell at me all night... Even now, I'm getting all moody and upset when I have no right to. Fuck. I fail again...

I'm not angry at you for having a life. Noones to blame for any of it, and noone can fix it really. I made the choice. I chose to stay here and I chose not to have girl friends and I chose to feel the way I feel. I made the decision on everything. I could have chosen differently, and if I really couldn't handle this, whatever it is I"m handling, I wouldn't be dealing with it. I know that. You've earned your right to have fun. You're all doing something with yourself, and here I sit accomplishing nothing, taking over someone elses house, bitching on someone elses computer, dependant on someone elses parents, and still thinking I have the right to be picky. Its just a short time of my life. I'll be okay. I"m not neglected. I'm treated wonderfully. My problem lies in that I can't seem to make myself feel happy for you when you walk out the door knowing you're living your life, earning the right to live your life, and I'm wasting whatever it is I have here. I'm the selfish neglectful one here. I'm the one that can't just be happy for you and the life you earned and made for yourself. And its obvious to me that If I feel this way, its not you who screwed up. It was me. I'm the selfish, jealous, negligent girlfriend.

Dammit... this still isn't working.

Its ... not your fault. We can talk about whatever flies into my imagination till Judgement Day and it still won't be your fault. If I could learn to be even the slightest bit selfless, you wouldn't feel guilty right now. And I'm such a failure of a person that sometimes I'd be willing to bet that I cause such rediculus scenes to make you feel that way, so you'll stay or something... I don't know why I do it, but I'm betting I do. Jealousy, thats all I can add it up to. I get so jealous to such a rediculous degree that I'll end up destroying us if I don't control it. I get so jealous because you just go and have a great time and I wish I could do the same and jealous because I hope you miss me just the same and I'll be damned if I haven't explained to some of the guys a thoousand times how bad of a problem I have with jealousy and if they could just not even illude to those stories they like to make up... and here I go blaming my problems on someone else.

I guess I can only pray... Don't know what for. I never do. I just start rambling and hope that God can sift through all those fancy words I use to say nothing and actually find something in them. Find meaning in my empty words... Then again, he's worked far greater miracles...

This all came out so wrong, so angry, and I didn't want it to. Forgive me if you can.