After a thorough investigation of Ghost World... okay maybe not a thorough investigation... but I did watch the movie... I'm a little lost as to wether or not I truly enjoyed the film. I would suggest to anyone considering watching int to do so, but I would also suggest that you watch it fully, or you'll never watch it at all...

Since all the characters are really.... really .... hmmm, how to put this.... stupid and mean... it made me dislike the movie, you know, hating every character I met, but at the same time, it was a very realistic movie, and all the people were very real, and there were some memorable one liners

I still haven't decided if I loved it to death or never want to see it again. I left the movie feeling very confused... and a little bit ... pathetic...

Sorry I couldn't be more thorough Brent.

Though I'm frustrated about my feelings toward the movie, I think I will defanantly watch it again.

Ah T-day... I pity the fool?

Very different from most of my previous holidays... I worked all freaking day.... But I saw Eric twice, which made my efforts worth the while. I ate at T.G.I.Fridays with ev-mom and Tyler. I wore a skirt. I mismatched my Mary-Janes... I've concluded that I will never match my shoes again...

I went to garden ridge and looked for crap I don't need. I left with naut more than a black feather boa. Though the martini glass pillow WAS tempting.

I bought some movies from Blockbuster.

Crybaby and Ghost World to be exact. Crybaby is glorious and amazing. I {heart} Johnny Depp in twenty year old musicals. I've heard grand things about Ghost World.

I watched a weird movie about Dog Show attendants with no personalities.

I miss Ev :*( But his triumphant return is a mere 17 hours away :*)

I am tired and still have to work tomorrow. But Saturday its on. I'm sleeping like I've ne'er slept before... until NOW!!!!!! and all those days I slept till two.... *blushing?*

And thus I depart you. Until we meet again
*bowing ever so politely*

Adieu.

so here it is Friday, and I think I'm getting progressively worse. Between work and being sick, I'm just worn out. I gots no energy left in me. So I'm going to take some Niquil and sleep it off.


Slowly......

Nodding.....

Off.....
jfhtmfjkdhnfk;aoi,mcv;lkjnal,mndl;kjngx
G'night

I have nothing of interest to say at this particular moment in time.

I am, however, quite sick. I don't know what I have, but if all else fails and I have strep or something, I'll just have to take my moms advice and take a trip to the pet store.

Thats right, the pet store.

I have loud friends, playing the infamous Halo 2 behind me, and screaming ... loudly... hence the reason they are loud.

I thoroughly enjoy word lest. I just thought you should know.

And now, I stop wasting your precious time with my mindless babbling.

*sad face*

I am BLEEDING!!!!!

I really need to stop chewing on my stupid fingers... lest I chew the darned things directly off my hands...

But nevertheless, I am

BBBBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG

In my selfishness, I failed to congratulate the brand spanking new Lee family on becoming the brand spanking new Lee family. It was a beautiful wedding filled with beautiful people.

Its gloriously freezing outside right now!!!!

I have to work at 8:30 in the morning*growls ferociously*

The character of me in the new comic is HOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! And by hot, I mean, of course, breathtakingly gorgeous. Thanks Kenny, for the birth of Plague and Pestilence, and thanks Eric for not making me hideous.

I sleep now.

"I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe..."

So, thats a bit dramatic. For once, I'm breathing just fine. Unfortunately, earlier tonight I wasn't exactly feeling so glorious. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not hurt, or neglected. I'm just bitchy.... and a little bit lonely. You see, I've spent every night for the last three months sitting in a room thats not my own talking to people that don't exist. Thats right, the guys are at another sleepover. And you know, I'm okay with that. I'm not trying to guilt you guys, i'm not mad or anything. But I'll admit, I am a little lonely.

I'd still like to be a part of my friends lives beyond the friday thing, but I can't. I don't have girl friends, and I can't sleepover with my guy friends. i have all these nonexistant memories of fun times we had, and all my d & d characters have long sinced rotted away to dust, vastly legendless. I want to have these things you guys have. I want to have fun, and friends, and times to laugh about, and jokes that noone else will get b/c they just werent there. I"m lonely. "But you live with your boyfriend, whose house gets visitors all the time. Why are you lonely instead of jubilant and merry?" Thats just it... People don't come here. Not to visit me anyway. They come to see Everett, and they hang around with me until he gets home as a back up plan. Don't deny it, please don't lie to me. I know it. I know you call and visit prefering to see Ev and settling for me. And I never see him. I freaking live in the same house, share the same room for Gods sake, and I see him less now than I did when I lived in Lewisville and we had to make time for eachother. Perhaps thats just it. He's right there, so why make the time. I have all the time in the world. I appear to be wrong.

I know this had a purpose... What WAS I trying to say?

Ah yes. Its not your fault. Its nobodies fault that I can't make a life for myself. Its not your fault that I don't get along with girls. Its not your fault that I am a girl myself. Nobodies to blame for the fact that I can't just drive to a friends house or something... save perhaps my own fault. I could learn to tolerate the race that is female if I really wanted to. I'd be willing to try, but girls abandon me. I was supposed to go on a sleepover Friday night, but for reasons unknown to myself, the girls never showed up, so when everyone was making their plans for the rest of the night, yes I felt worse. I had somewhere to be, but I got left in the dust of something more important, and while everyone else was having fun, I was sewing. (Bad when I'm angry. I tend to have a higher accident ratio) While you all laughed about your games and visited your friends, I listened to the birds yell at me all night... Even now, I'm getting all moody and upset when I have no right to. Fuck. I fail again...

I'm not angry at you for having a life. Noones to blame for any of it, and noone can fix it really. I made the choice. I chose to stay here and I chose not to have girl friends and I chose to feel the way I feel. I made the decision on everything. I could have chosen differently, and if I really couldn't handle this, whatever it is I"m handling, I wouldn't be dealing with it. I know that. You've earned your right to have fun. You're all doing something with yourself, and here I sit accomplishing nothing, taking over someone elses house, bitching on someone elses computer, dependant on someone elses parents, and still thinking I have the right to be picky. Its just a short time of my life. I'll be okay. I"m not neglected. I'm treated wonderfully. My problem lies in that I can't seem to make myself feel happy for you when you walk out the door knowing you're living your life, earning the right to live your life, and I'm wasting whatever it is I have here. I'm the selfish neglectful one here. I'm the one that can't just be happy for you and the life you earned and made for yourself. And its obvious to me that If I feel this way, its not you who screwed up. It was me. I'm the selfish, jealous, negligent girlfriend.

Dammit... this still isn't working.

Its ... not your fault. We can talk about whatever flies into my imagination till Judgement Day and it still won't be your fault. If I could learn to be even the slightest bit selfless, you wouldn't feel guilty right now. And I'm such a failure of a person that sometimes I'd be willing to bet that I cause such rediculus scenes to make you feel that way, so you'll stay or something... I don't know why I do it, but I'm betting I do. Jealousy, thats all I can add it up to. I get so jealous to such a rediculous degree that I'll end up destroying us if I don't control it. I get so jealous because you just go and have a great time and I wish I could do the same and jealous because I hope you miss me just the same and I'll be damned if I haven't explained to some of the guys a thoousand times how bad of a problem I have with jealousy and if they could just not even illude to those stories they like to make up... and here I go blaming my problems on someone else.

I guess I can only pray... Don't know what for. I never do. I just start rambling and hope that God can sift through all those fancy words I use to say nothing and actually find something in them. Find meaning in my empty words... Then again, he's worked far greater miracles...

This all came out so wrong, so angry, and I didn't want it to. Forgive me if you can.

I found this in the journal of my extremely witty (yet no so good at CALLING ME BACK) friend Elliot. I think it makes a good argument.

12 Reasons Homosexuality will Ruin Society

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

I do believe that i am coming down with something. I feel kind of yuckie... Probably a walking viruz right now. All the kids at church have colds and flus and thier parent's won't keep them home. and while, yes, I heart your children, I do not heart thier strains of disease... Meh, I'll go pick up some kind of medicated goo to shove into my body in hopes that it fixes the problem.

Forgive me, I'm still a bit delerious... and I don't want to go to Kroger today. I want to sleep all day long.

I got home from works (yes, works) last night and just konked out at like 11 and couldn't get up again. I couldn't walk or think and my motor skills had long since gone on vacation. I still feel that way. I wish to recover my sleep loss. But alas, no such freedom. So I gotsta work till six tonight. I feel like I only just got home now. I did not.

I have nothing to say worth saying right now.

Adieu

I've learned a whole lot about the people from my past through all this xanga searching.

Everything is different.


Who ever knew...

...that my best friend would come to think that she is ghetto
...that Minders is still sad...that the pastor who introduced me to Christ would get burnt out on being a youth pastor
...that the boy who helped lead me to Christ was in so much pain. The boy who inadvertantly taught me and unknowingly lead me was all the while so lost, and needed more direction than I did. Who knew the boy who helped me to live would want so badly to die.
...that the first girl I ever met who shone so bright with Gods love would also shine so bright with love for the best friend of the boy who helped lead me to Christ.
...that I would ever see anything from the boy on my old bus who used to wear womens clothing again.
...that the boy who helped me pass Math in tenth grade would quit school, that his smile would become a frown, and his intellegence would succomb to drugs.
...that nothing has changed about some people
... that,really, nothing has changed at all, except the fact that I'm not there to realize everything that was ever true. Everything that has never really changed anyway.

Sometimes, its sad to look at the past.