"And then I asked had you ever felt abandoned
felt so lost that you were stranded
just like all the walls were closing in and you were locked inside
Have you ever felt like your days were numbered
stuck under a tree in thunder
there seems to be no way out
but there is one when in doubt..."

I am finding this whole job search thing to be rather tedious... I'm feeling quite compelled to be a bum more so now than ever. So, Sunday, a small bunch of people were talking about college and being in college and plans to soon get into college. It shouldn't have, but the whole conversation made me feel very hopeless.

"So, whats your plan for college?"

Well, its... uh... oh right, I don't have one. Its frustrating. This is defenantly not how I pictured it all working out. And I have this heavy, painful sinking feeling that if I don't figure something out, I'm going to end up running back to the very place I'm trying to get away from. I knew my best shot all college was to go, but at the same time my best shot at not going completely crazy and gouging out my own eyes with a plastic spork was to stay here. And considering I like my eyes...

What would I want to be if I could be anything?

Thats the question that people always ask me when it comes to the future. If there was nothing holding me back, what would I absolutely love to do with my life. Even if all the setbacks meant absolutely nothing, which they always do... I ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... don't even know anymore... I used to. It changes all the time. When I was really little, maybe 6 I wanted to be a marine biologist and an olympic figure skater. Then a little later in life I decided to be a singer. Then a dancer, then an actress... Then a singer/songwriter/musician. I stuck with that for a long time. Then I decided that I had to be a writer. So I sat down and started working on the great American novel. It didn't go far. It was a story about trying to write the great American novel and failing miserably so then trying to find a way to absorb all the writing ability in the universe and get the job done. Yeah... After I figured out that I suck at science, I can't ice skate, I am far from musically gifted, and my so called great American novel was going nowhere, I decided I'd be a forensic scientist, but again with the not being so great at something, math in particular. I thought, hmmm, maybe psychology.Christian counseling, but well... need I say much about why I"d be terrible in that feild? Or Criminal or adolescent psychology. Helping really messed up people. Maybe once I could have done that. I've lost my patience with people over the years... which I'm sad about b/c that used to be what made me who I am, that I always found a way to help everybody. Nothing was too big or too small for me. Then I became crazy. I also wanted to work in a library once, putting books on shelves and helping people find them. I think thats the closest I come anymore to a reasonable possibility. I don't know what I want to do. I don't even know what I'm good at anymore. When people ask, I can't answer, because I honestly don't know anymore. Some people know from the very start what they will be doing forever. I was never so lucky. You couldn't look at me when I was younger and say "Oh she will defanantly be a (fill in blank). You can't look at me now and even guess. Yes I know, most people never know what they want to do, but at some point they figure out what they are going to do. I'm stuck in this rut and I'm not getting out. In fact, I'm getting sucked further and further in. Now if someone would give me a job as a professional complainer, I'd be set. I guess I could be a critic... or a politician... And then I would have to drop bricks on myself...

There is a plan for my life, I"m sure of it. I doubt God has me wandering around accomplishing nothing just for kicks, so whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing, job wise, school wise, and just in life in general, I wish He'd show me more clearly because I don't see it.