Today, I did the one thing I never thought I'd do, but always said I would. I don't live with my family any more... It was easily the hardest thing I have ever done.

I've never seen my sister cry the way she did, just cry all over my shoulder as I put my stuff in the car and prepared to leave her alone... ditto with my mom and sister. I left them all alone. In a way, now I'm alone. Yes, I'm with people whom I love and who love me, but its not quite the same as family. Its still as close as I'll ever get. It still hasen't sunken in yet that this isn't a sleep over and tomorrow morning I'm not going back. That I might not go back for a long time. It still hasn't sunken in yet that this is now the closest thing to home I'll ever know. It may never.

I'd forgotten how quite it is here.

I was out of my mind yesterday. I cried too much. Once while sitting with my sister, once after a fight with my dad, once before Everett called me, multiple times while he was there (yet, I fought that one off as much as I could) and when he left, they asked me if i'd be okay. I said I'd be fine. Apparently I wasnt because I didn't even get the front door closed before I was on my knees crying harder than I've cried in a long time. And once more later that night. I'm still a wreck. I'm just too numb to do anything about it.

Why this is so difficult, I don't know... I always said I'd leave if I got the chance, I'd make something far better for myself. Well, heres my chance. Why can't I decide if I chose right? On one hand I've got my life, my future, my sanity. On the other, my family. Wether it is my responsibility to take care of them has little significance. Likewise with myself. I prayed and prayed, and the closest thing I got to an answer was proof that things aren't changing at all.

Edna told me one night that the greatest thing I could do was show my siblings that there is hope and the possibility for freedom and something different. I think I knew even before that what I would have to do, but nobody ever said that was is necessary is by any means easy. Its the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not mad. I'm not bitter about whats happened. I don't think God is spiting me. If anything, God gave me a way out. I'm just still hurting. I'm still crying inside, I know it. That doesn't mean I will shed a tear. Not tonight anyway.

I think right now I miss Celena most.

I've put Everett through hell the last few days. I've rearranged his whole life, and he's been worrying about me. He's already got enough going on to have to worry about my stuff, and I wish I could give him the comfort of knowing that I'll be okay and that I"m trying really hard to believe him when he tells me things will be fine. He's really helped me pull through the last few.... yeah... and I wish I could do the same, but I won't push him. Its not my place and if he wants to talk to me he will. I'm alright with that. I'm sorry I worried him today, and probably made him mad. I was about six hours behind when I should have been here and I honestly meant to call but everytime I sat down, I had to get back up again. I was actually in the process of getting the phone when he called. But whats done is done. I'm sorry that I've had to rearrange his life when I don't feel I have the right to do so. I just hope he doesn't get sick of seeing me around all the time.

And now, I should really go to sleep, because I have no energy left to so much as think about what I feel like saying.