You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too smart to mention
to you

You'll say you understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper that I've ever shown
to you

You'll say don't fear your dreams, Its easier it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the messege I give
Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greather heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention
to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

I was nervous when i picked up the phone; nervous that you would hear the nervousness in my voice, nervous just because, I suppose.

"Have you seen some of this stuff?"
I'd rather not. But I did. And it freaked me out. No jealousy induced raves; it scared me a little. A wrong impression perhaps... a thought for the sake of scaring myself, also possible.

And then I picked up the phone, and whil you were speaking, I couldn't tell if that change in your tone of voice was for the sake of being cute or some sort of sadness. Perhaps its just the sound of your voice that draws me in. While I was talking, it occurred to me that I didn't care. I don't care.

I recall smiling yesterday. Uncontrollably. I haven't smiled uncontrollably for even a short while in so long that I couldn't pin down a date if I tried. The ten minutes of smiling was worth it not to care about a few words in a search engine that frightened me.

I can't make any sense of whatever it is i'm trying to say, and this sounds so much more beautiful inside my head.

Maybe it's on account of how tired my brain feels.

Maybe I think too much. Thats it. If I can learn not to think so much, whatever i'm trying to say will make more sense.

Ever come across things you know that you are better off ignoring, explore anyway, find all the things you don't want to know about, and get really freaked out?

I do it all the time. I've got to stop looking for this shit.

Life putters on as it always does. You know, I hate jealousy. Its so irrational and strange. I hate to feel it, i hate to watch other people feel it. Mostly, I just hate to feel it.

Car's fixed somewhat. Maybe now I won't be dying from the fumes blowing in my face anymore.

Well, I really don't know what to say exactly. Just thought I'd let you know (?) that I"ll try to do the update thing on a more regular basis. If not, then thats what I chose to do. Not dead yet at any rate.

May you all have glorious days.

Okay, I've found the internet again. I'm posting so that all the world can read this monstrous vomit of rambling....

I'm blogging.

Liz Phair rocked. I had a super fun amazing incredible time and I'm 1200 happy that I went. I saw B Minor Harmonic last night and it too was a good show... here's the catch though. I walked into a pro choice rally. it was interesting. Lots of invalid arguments about lesbians.... or something. The show was okay though.

I'm sick again. Who is shocked? Not I. Not I...

So, whats new? Ummm.... Having an okay week I guess. No valid complaints, except the little things I always find to get irritated about. I'm still decently satisfied with my existance. Robert and I are together now. None of you are shocked and most of you already know anyway. I have no complaints.

Yay for Kenny. Tyler is not going to die. There is the weekly update... because I do this weekly and all...

I am very tired right now. I don't know why I'm updating. I don't actually have much to say. I think I'ma go crash on Kennys living room couch. Hopefully I'll wake up and go home later. I'm so tired. all that partying and stuff I do. Always with the partying... i'm a wild one.

Good night. I can't ramble anymore.