what is there to say...

Cameron is gone....

He didn't run away this time.

He isn't hiding out somewhere.

He isn't coming back.

He is just ... gone.

I'm sorry we gave up on you. But when you keep on throwing yourself in a pit, people don't extend thier hands anymore.

This is not how it is supposed to end.

If I could feel much else, save of course, what I feel currently, I would elaborate. And while I want to cry, I don't want to do it in the middle of the Flower Mound Public Library, in front of this poor individual facing me, watching my eyes turn red as he tries to do a research paper. I will cry in the car, if I can remember how to do it when I get there. Each time I think I'm going to cry, something stops me and pulls all the pain back into some hidden place with all the other hidden things I never told him.

I can finally feel and I don't like it. After days of numbness it was the viewing that did it for me. The tons of Cameronesque pictures of the smiling and the frowning and the general goofy expressions he is famous for. The smiling faces and the crying faces and the general feeling that everyone was back together for the first time in years, supporting eachother dispite the past and the hatred, and somebody who should have been with us was missing. I tried not to, but I did snap. I didn't cry. I have yet to cry. I hyperventilated before I cried, but that ever present numbness left me and now I"m all confused and don't know what to do b/c I can't seem to get my feelings in order.

There are happy times, tons of them. Millions of happy memories. Countless stories tons of pictures and hours of video footage of all the stupid things the three of us would do. We were inseperable, and then we became seperated. We are still seperating. Fading away from eachother it seems and Fridays will certainly never be the same again. We were the Friday thing and I'm going to be spending a lot of Fridays alone for a while. Not that we had ever reconnected, but now the chance is gone.

The inseperable three sinks to two, and even we are not so inseperable anymore. I feel alone and my head is spinning from all the tears stuck inside of it.

Don't do that. Don't do that you told me. It didn't mean a thing in the end. Not to you. I stopped. You couldn't. when your pillar of strength is held together by paper clips, it eventually crumbles and falls apart. When you are a pillar of strength held together by paper clips, its a struggle just to stay standing. I will, so would everyone stop worrying that I'm going to do something horrible to myself. I learned that lesson light years ago.

I don't know what to say. I feel confused about most aspects of my life. about my choices almost everywhere and others seem to agree. I don't doubt, I just don't know. How many times does history repeat itself? Because this whoever is reading this novel just keeps on starting from the beginning. I'm trapped in a web of pages, in chapters of my own past. when will the story end?

I feel lonely today. I'll try not to fuck up. Though its been rumored that the loneliness wasn't a feeling instigated by mistakes. I'll still just try not to fuck up. I don't know what I'm so afraid of.

I love you. Don't go...