The end of the year closes in on me faster than I want it to. Yay. I was in the strangest mood of my life last night. After the utter chaos involved with getting to the JCL banquet, I went to bible study. (I won’t get into the mess just yet. It was funny though) For the entire first part of the night I was overwhelmed by this sense of… peace. I was actually really happy. Not just on the outside, I felt okay too. It was a strange feeling, but a nice one. Unfortunately, It didn’t last. I became overwhelmed with sadness toward the end. I think I was angry with myself for not being so upset to begin with. I don’t know. The day is coming too close. Every day that passes is another day that I wish would not. I’m still left with a sense of… I don’t know what happened that day, and it drives me crazy. I want the images out of my head. I want some peace of mind. I don’t know what I want. After my bout of sadness, I found it impossible to feel at all. At some point I realized that I wasn’t feeling anything. I tried to shake it off before the lights went back on. I suppose I managed.

Last night I was listening to the new bible study compilation cd. The last one I will ever receive. Last night was my last bible study with those girls ever and would you believe what I had to go through for a picture? It made me feel rather invisible, which is not the feeling I wanted to be left with. My lasting memory.

When I got home last night, I lie down and I was listening to the new cd and the first song was a live track of the Lifehouse song everything. I’d forgotten how beautiful that song was. About half way through the song I snapped and started crying uncontrollably, if you could call it crying. I was sobbing so hard that I couldn’t breath, but I couldn’t get the tears to fall. I’d forgotten that feeling. I never did like it. The feeling of crying like a baby and it gets you absolutely nowhere. When I was done, I went back to feeling nothing and then became extraordinarily tired. It was so hot in my room… really uncomfortable, but I couldn’t will myself to move at all.

This morning, for the seventh morning in a row, I woke up somewhere between 3 and 5 a.m. for no reason, in a panic because I had no idea where I was. The feeling only lasts for a split second, but it feels like eons.

One way or the other, I feel okay right now. I have to pull another speech out of a random orifice next period, which I think is pretty exciting… I’m going to go now.

Until we meet again * Bows politely *