I got my wish.

I don't know what happened exactly.

But I remember why I keep on fighting.

"and i promise you that I will be brave
i will be brave"

I'm in a funk. No real reason. I'm not upset about anything in particular. I think i'm upset about everything in particular. After going numb, I snapped out of it all at once and everything that should have bothered me in peices bothered me in one big ass chunk. Leaving me, in a funk. that rhymes...

I wouldn't normally post this, but I feel the urge to just in case. I've had this uncontrollable urge as of late. Unshakeable, almost. Not some urge to go get drunk or do something dangerous to myself as has been an urge of mine in the past. I can avoid those. They don't scare me. this one does. what would you do if I dissapeared from this place? If i just picked up and left, went somewhere far far away and nobody would ever know. I would warn someone, I wouldn't make it known, i wouldn't tell anybody where I was going. I would just ... go. Dissapear for a while. I would come back eventually, but I can't tell you when.

And none of you would ever know, save that I've just made it known. I've told you and I don't particularly know why. I'm not sure what gives me the urge. and I'll try to control myself, but If I should stop answering my phone and my door, I don't know... I want to say come looking for me, but I wouldn't want to be found. I want to bee seen but I don't want to be found...

perhaps I'm just a little bit lonely. I'll fight it out like i always do. I'll stay, if you want me to. If you know who you are. I will stay for you. I will stay and I will fight through this crazy, scary, lonely funk for whatever it is worth fighting for. I know what I think is worth fighting for. I know it is worth fighting for. theres always something worth fighting for. I promise you that I will be brave...

I feel good today. No. I'm serious. I almost feel happy today. I'm very close to happy, dispite my funk. I need to end this sunday night in some lovely way that will get me through the week, because the weekdays are the most lonely. I am trying. remind me what I'm fighting for, just for today, and I'll stay, I'll fight, and I'll be happy.

I'm rambling. I'll shut up. Good day.

what is there to say...

Cameron is gone....

He didn't run away this time.

He isn't hiding out somewhere.

He isn't coming back.

He is just ... gone.

I'm sorry we gave up on you. But when you keep on throwing yourself in a pit, people don't extend thier hands anymore.

This is not how it is supposed to end.

If I could feel much else, save of course, what I feel currently, I would elaborate. And while I want to cry, I don't want to do it in the middle of the Flower Mound Public Library, in front of this poor individual facing me, watching my eyes turn red as he tries to do a research paper. I will cry in the car, if I can remember how to do it when I get there. Each time I think I'm going to cry, something stops me and pulls all the pain back into some hidden place with all the other hidden things I never told him.

I can finally feel and I don't like it. After days of numbness it was the viewing that did it for me. The tons of Cameronesque pictures of the smiling and the frowning and the general goofy expressions he is famous for. The smiling faces and the crying faces and the general feeling that everyone was back together for the first time in years, supporting eachother dispite the past and the hatred, and somebody who should have been with us was missing. I tried not to, but I did snap. I didn't cry. I have yet to cry. I hyperventilated before I cried, but that ever present numbness left me and now I"m all confused and don't know what to do b/c I can't seem to get my feelings in order.

There are happy times, tons of them. Millions of happy memories. Countless stories tons of pictures and hours of video footage of all the stupid things the three of us would do. We were inseperable, and then we became seperated. We are still seperating. Fading away from eachother it seems and Fridays will certainly never be the same again. We were the Friday thing and I'm going to be spending a lot of Fridays alone for a while. Not that we had ever reconnected, but now the chance is gone.

The inseperable three sinks to two, and even we are not so inseperable anymore. I feel alone and my head is spinning from all the tears stuck inside of it.

Don't do that. Don't do that you told me. It didn't mean a thing in the end. Not to you. I stopped. You couldn't. when your pillar of strength is held together by paper clips, it eventually crumbles and falls apart. When you are a pillar of strength held together by paper clips, its a struggle just to stay standing. I will, so would everyone stop worrying that I'm going to do something horrible to myself. I learned that lesson light years ago.

I don't know what to say. I feel confused about most aspects of my life. about my choices almost everywhere and others seem to agree. I don't doubt, I just don't know. How many times does history repeat itself? Because this whoever is reading this novel just keeps on starting from the beginning. I'm trapped in a web of pages, in chapters of my own past. when will the story end?

I feel lonely today. I'll try not to fuck up. Though its been rumored that the loneliness wasn't a feeling instigated by mistakes. I'll still just try not to fuck up. I don't know what I'm so afraid of.

I love you. Don't go...