"somebody is waiting for me. somebody is wating for me...."

song stuck in my head

I LIVE!!!!!

Thats right, I haven't died yet. Forgive the last post. I was heinously depressed and feeling not so good for whatever reason. I am better. Content even. I won't go as far as all that giddy, giggley, psycho joy stuff. I haven't been THAT happy in aeons, but I am content. Life is moving along at more or less the same pace, my personal interactions are sparing but fullfilling and my relationships make me smile and keep me from gouging out my own eyes with a spork in my boredom. My eyes have, however, met a far different, yet equally painful fate.

Yesterday, a parking lot attacked me. The wind blew a chunk of ground into my eye. The chunk of ground proceeded to get stuck in my eye and cut up the inside of my eyelid. as a result, my face was red and purple, and the portion of my eye that wasn't swollen shut was blood shot. There was pain. I looked like a spousal abuse victim. No, nobody has been beating me lately.

Really, not much has been happening lately. Same old stuff thats been unfolding for weeks, months even. And I'm just here, living it up, or living it at shoulder level I guess... My eye doesn't hurt as much, so I'm not blind. I am out of gas though, so lets hope my sad little car can make it to the gas station.

Not dead yet,
Shaye

I don't have a song lyric for you today. I don't have inspiration for any of you. I don't have anything for any of you.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am tired of being me. I'm tired of being someone I'm not. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what I am anymore. I don't know anything. I don't want to look in the mirror and I don't want to look at people. I hate everything. I don't know what the fuck I want from all this. Its like everytime I decide what I want and make a concious effort to get that thing, to reach that previously unnatainnable desire... just as soon as its in my hands, just as soon as I can taste whatever it is i think i'm longing for, whatever i think will make it all better again, I just don't want it anymore. So when I opt for the other side of the spectrum, likewise, I no longer want it. Is nothing ever going to make me happy? Am I that difficult, that unpleasant? Is that how you keep getting over me so quickly. I'm really not worth the pain am I? Not that I can blame you.

I miss Everett today, rather a bit desperately. I've gotten so accustomed to missing you, but this day, this particular day, it's actually painful. Deeply painful. and I can't figure out why. I wanted this after all, right? Pushed you into it even. Things would have been different.... to try again, to make it better, but I don't believe you. I dind't want this. I needed it. I've hit an all time low, and all thats left for me to do is claw my way back up.

I have to go on with the rest of my day, pretending that its not my fate, pretending this won't happen over and over again. Pretending i'm not being used by someone else now. It hadn't occured to me until yesterday... I am being used and I'm going to die alone at the rate I'm going. Just put it on my headstone because Its my fate. I'm going to spend my whole life alone. and I had it coming and its all my fault and i deserve every last bit of it right now. I deserve to feel like shit. I deserve to want to cry. I don't deserve much else, I'll tell you that.

How long can secrets stay secret?

We'll never talk again, will we? I gave up everything I had ever known, only now realizing it was all I had anyway. Starting over.... I'm starting over for the ninetieth time this year. What the fuck is my foundation?

I wish I had taken thie time... i ignored you in the end, and I wish i had taken the time, but this is finished, and its what I wanted. I have to keep reminding myself that its what i wanted or I'll keep running back, and theres no point in that. You seem to be moving along just fine. You get over me so quickly. You always get over me so quickly. So this is love. So this is ... nothing.

Maybe I'll go soul searching. Maybe I'm better off not knowing what my insides feel. Maybe ignorance is better. Why does this hurt so much today. whats so damned important about October 14th anyway? whats so wonderful about Fridays?

I'm going to go spend the next several hours left with little more than my thoughts, and by the time the sun sets, I will be a wreck. when I finally fall apart, then I can start the clawing process.

Happy Friday October 14th to you all. Its national 'this day has no significance' day. Lets celebrate by making it a day to remember. Go out and do something that will keep you remembering October 14th for years to come. Make a holiday out of meaninglessness. Make a celebration out of the ordinary. I know I will.