7. I miss having someone to go to church with. I feel strange and lonely when I go by myself.

6. I hate karma for punishing people who have done bad things.

5. I don't want to go to a gynocologist because I am afraid they will tell me that I can't have kids.

And I would hate to have to tell you that.

4. Occasionally, I find it easier to just say nothing

because I don't like the feeling that the silence gives me.

3. When I'm by myself, I sometimes cry for no reason at all.

Not out of sadness or joy... just because, I suppose.

2. I can hide it and I can repress it, but the feeling of jealousy never goes away.

"It's not an aweful secret
You know its just a secret"

I have secrets. Here is one, the first among many that i will admit until I don't feel like it any more.

1. I am more terrified of being cheated on or lied to than I am of being attacked by the living dead, alone, suspended in mid air, dogs, mirrors, trains, loud sounds, feet, making decisions, and the future combined.

So, I'm sitting here in my bedroom in a t shirt and my work pants taking atvantage of the working internet while the luxury lasts and I'm thinking about all sorts of stuff...

- I'm thinking that I smell terrible and i want to take a shower, but i'm just too lazy.

- I'm thinking about how glad I am that it's so cold outside. I miss wintertime weather.

- I'm wondering if this week old pasta roni i heated up is going to make me sick. It seems ok. It tastes fine, but only time will tell.

- I'm wishing that I had something to drink in the house besides Dr. Pepper and Grapefruit juice.

- I'm thinking its time I wrote another song, but I can't seem to muster up the motivation to write anything, since i'm not altoghether unhappy with my life right now.

- I'm looking at these carnations and realizing how feminine I really am.

- I'm thinking about how average I am in most every aspect of my existance, and how beautiful that truly is.

- I'm thinking that my life is extremely routine and patterned, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

- I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to avoid drug related deaths, even at work.

- I'm thinking I should probably go find my checkbook soon.

- I'm thinking that it seems like i've more or less abandoned this journal. I used to depend on this little chunk of the web to tell people all the things I never had the courage to tell them face to face. Looking back, I've been a real hypocrite. I've been too hard on a lot of people I was once so close to. I gave them hell for escaping to pixelated neverlands when I did the very same thing in a different way, and now I admit it virtually. I'd love to say that this entry is the epiphany you've all been waiting for, but we both know that's not true. When I click on that little box and close this all off, I'll be the same, because thats what I do. I change, for a moment maybe, but at the end of the day, I'm still the same lost kid I was when I logged on.

However, I'm not yet willing to let go of this journal, so perhaps I'll make a point to write in it from time to time; make the whole thing worth while. The problem, I think, is I've gotten to a point where I tell myself I reserve this chunk of space for words that actually mean something, and then I can't think of anything to say. Even now, I'm mostly just rambling, stalling so I don't have to leave.

But I'm out of thoughts. And so, until we meet again

Adieu

No, I don't know why I still fill these things out.


Appearance

[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[X] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/I've had braces.
[X] I wear glasses.
[x ] Ive been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears
] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life

[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[X] I've run away from home/ I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] I live with a grandparent
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[xI want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[X]I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed at least 1 class last year.
[X] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.

Embarrassment

[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[X] I've glued my hand to something
x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I've had my pants rip/drop in public

Health

[x] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox

I've been

[X] I've driven over 500 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[ ] I've been to Asia
[ ] I've been to the Middle East

Experiences

[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[X] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've been to a baseball game.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Water Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[ ]I've met someone in person from the internet
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[X ] I've eaten Sushi.
[x] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships

[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x]I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[X] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality

[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I'm a cuddler
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime

[ ] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[X] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x]I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[X] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.


Materialism

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer pants and shirts, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from PacSun
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ]I own something from The Gap.
[x]I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I own something from Hollister

Random

[x] I can sing.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news.
[x] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice the meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[X] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
] I love being neat
[ ] I Love Spam
[X] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[ ] eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in spirits
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] did nothing in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[X] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[ ] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names.
[x] i'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[ ] My answers are totally honest

I am not having a very good day.

I haven't had many days quite as bad as this one... It's incredible what happens to me when I get stressed out. It's like I cease to function or something. This is one of those days winning by a landslide.

Just one thing to make it a bad day. One incedent to make it a shitty day. One mistake to make it a terrible day. One screw up to make me want to quit. One move to put me on the ground in tears.

I'm not a cryer. I don't like to cry. It's not a preferance of mine, but just one thing, and I'm on the floor. My face burns and my head hurts and my throat is scratchy, which, sure, is great for singing along to the Kristin Hersh songs I've been in the mood for, but not so good for things like talking and drinking this Kool aid.

Days like this make me want to quit. Days like this make me want to retreat into hiding, find some shadow where none of you will ever think to look for me.

I've decided I don't have the mental capacity for all this thinking. I don't feel like inventing pretty sentences for other people to stare at, and I don't want to answer the questions that I'm sure will follow any hint of specification of thought, so I'm going now.