A wrong turn

2006-10-11T14:03:00.000-07:00

7. I miss having someone to go to church with. I feel strange and lonely when I go by myself.

2006-08-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

6. I hate karma for punishing people who have done bad things.

2006-07-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

5. I don't want to go to a gynocologist because I am afraid they will tell me that I can't have kids.

And I would hate to have to tell you that.

2006-07-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

4. Occasionally, I find it easier to just say nothing

because I don't like the feeling that the silence gives me.

2006-04-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

3. When I'm by myself, I sometimes cry for no reason at all.

Not out of sadness or joy... just because, I suppose.

2006-03-17T21:56:00.000-08:00

2. I can hide it and I can repress it, but the feeling of jealousy never goes away.

2006-03-08T21:29:00.000-08:00

"It's not an aweful secret
You know its just a secret"

I have secrets. Here is one, the first among many that i will admit until I don't feel like it any more.

1. I am more terrified of being cheated on or lied to than I am of being attacked by the living dead, alone, suspended in mid air, dogs, mirrors, trains, loud sounds, feet, making decisions, and the future combined.

2006-02-20T17:12:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sitting here in my bedroom in a t shirt and my work pants taking atvantage of the working internet while the luxury lasts and I'm thinking about all sorts of stuff...

- I'm thinking that I smell terrible and i want to take a shower, but i'm just too lazy.

- I'm thinking about how glad I am that it's so cold outside. I miss wintertime weather.

- I'm wondering if this week old pasta roni i heated up is going to make me sick. It seems ok. It tastes fine, but only time will tell.

- I'm wishing that I had something to drink in the house besides Dr. Pepper and Grapefruit juice.

- I'm thinking its time I wrote another song, but I can't seem to muster up the motivation to write anything, since i'm not altoghether unhappy with my life right now.

- I'm looking at these carnations and realizing how feminine I really am.

- I'm thinking about how average I am in most every aspect of my existance, and how beautiful that truly is.

- I'm thinking that my life is extremely routine and patterned, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

- I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to avoid drug related deaths, even at work.

- I'm thinking I should probably go find my checkbook soon.

- I'm thinking that it seems like i've more or less abandoned this journal. I used to depend on this little chunk of the web to tell people all the things I never had the courage to tell them face to face. Looking back, I've been a real hypocrite. I've been too hard on a lot of people I was once so close to. I gave them hell for escaping to pixelated neverlands when I did the very same thing in a different way, and now I admit it virtually. I'd love to say that this entry is the epiphany you've all been waiting for, but we both know that's not true. When I click on that little box and close this all off, I'll be the same, because thats what I do. I change, for a moment maybe, but at the end of the day, I'm still the same lost kid I was when I logged on.

However, I'm not yet willing to let go of this journal, so perhaps I'll make a point to write in it from time to time; make the whole thing worth while. The problem, I think, is I've gotten to a point where I tell myself I reserve this chunk of space for words that actually mean something, and then I can't think of anything to say. Even now, I'm mostly just rambling, stalling so I don't have to leave.

But I'm out of thoughts. And so, until we meet again

Adieu

2006-01-31T16:55:00.000-08:00

No, I don't know why I still fill these things out.

Appearance

[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[X] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/I've had braces.
[X] I wear glasses.
[x ] Ive been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears
] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life

[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[X] I've run away from home/ I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] I live with a grandparent
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[xI want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[X]I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed at least 1 class last year.
[X] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.

Embarrassment

[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[X] I've glued my hand to something
x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I've had my pants rip/drop in public

Health

[x] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox

I've been

[X] I've driven over 500 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[ ] I've been to Asia
[ ] I've been to the Middle East

Experiences

[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[X] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've been to a baseball game.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Water Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[ ]I've met someone in person from the internet
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[X ] I've eaten Sushi.
[x] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships

[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x]I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[X] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality

[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I'm a cuddler
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime

[ ] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[X] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x]I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[X] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Materialism

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer pants and shirts, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from PacSun
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ]I own something from The Gap.
[x]I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I own something from Hollister

Random

[x] I can sing.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news.
[x] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice the meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[X] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
] I love being neat
[ ] I Love Spam
[X] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[ ] eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in spirits
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] did nothing in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[X] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[ ] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names.
[x] i'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[ ] My answers are totally honest

2006-01-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

I am not having a very good day.

I haven't had many days quite as bad as this one... It's incredible what happens to me when I get stressed out. It's like I cease to function or something. This is one of those days winning by a landslide.

Just one thing to make it a bad day. One incedent to make it a shitty day. One mistake to make it a terrible day. One screw up to make me want to quit. One move to put me on the ground in tears.

I'm not a cryer. I don't like to cry. It's not a preferance of mine, but just one thing, and I'm on the floor. My face burns and my head hurts and my throat is scratchy, which, sure, is great for singing along to the Kristin Hersh songs I've been in the mood for, but not so good for things like talking and drinking this Kool aid.

Days like this make me want to quit. Days like this make me want to retreat into hiding, find some shadow where none of you will ever think to look for me.

I've decided I don't have the mental capacity for all this thinking. I don't feel like inventing pretty sentences for other people to stare at, and I don't want to answer the questions that I'm sure will follow any hint of specification of thought, so I'm going now.

2005-12-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

Today I am thinking that I wish I was dead...

I am sick. I called off work today and spent the whole entire day in bed attempting to avoid nausea. It didn't work and i can't even seem to keep down Sprite for very long. I hate being sick. And i dont feel well at all, so as a result I am going to spend the rest of my day and probably most of tomorrow planted somewhat comfortably in bed. Even though the sleeping has made my head hurt....

I wish I was dead......

2005-12-21T22:32:00.000-08:00

" I wanna be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious
I would have it all if i could only have this much..."

Today I bashed my face into the express checkout lane, and as a result, i have had a headache which has failed to waver in intensity even a little in the last twelve hours. I'm keeping my face away from cash registers from now on. Anyway, as a result of todays adventure, I'm going to bed.... to sleep away the invisible bruising all over my face.

2005-12-20T09:50:00.000-08:00

"I wanted you to sleep with her, and hate yourself
instead of me.
I wanted you untrue, hating yourself
Like me.
After all what am I missing
I haven't missed before
Sucking down the precious lies I should have swallowed way before"
Kristin Hersh, Spain

Stuck in my pretty little head....

Its raining!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So who's gonna come run around in it with me and assist me in making out in the rain? Hmm?.... Oh come on, there's gotta be someone... No.... well arlight. I'll go run around and make out with myself....

Nedless to say, even rain isn't going to make horror of the upcoming day any easier to swallow. I work the worst schedule ever in the history of ever today. 2 to 10... Just shoot me in the face with a ten ton brick. And to do me one better... I can't seem to type today. Many typos to fix. My schedule sucks like this all week. They gave me three days off and they're working me late shifts till christmas. I'm gonna kill... kill, kill, kill, kill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't get my keys out of the cars ignition right now, so i've been going through the nerve testing process of disconnecting and reconnection batteries and fuses everytime I get in or out of the beast. It's trying my patience. But It still runs I guess.

Why do the creepy scary people come out of the woodwork when you're not singele?

Well, I have to be to work in a couple of hours, so I have to go enjoy the small bit of my day I've been allowed.

Screw you, Kroger.

To all, have a glorious today and far better tomorrow.

Vale.

2005-12-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

Gah. Great news!!!!!! Everyone already knows, but I don't care.

NATHAN AND KIM HAD THIER BABY!!!!!!!!!!

I'm super a hundred happy about this of course. Who wouldn't be. Nathan has offspring that shares his genes... kind of scary... but she is beautiful and born... pretty cool!!!!

on a less exciting note, I am super hungry, and my stomach is very upset.

2005-11-28T15:10:00.000-08:00

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too smart to mention
to you

You'll say you understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper that I've ever shown
to you

You'll say don't fear your dreams, Its easier it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the messege I give
Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greather heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention
to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

2005-11-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

I was nervous when i picked up the phone; nervous that you would hear the nervousness in my voice, nervous just because, I suppose.

"Have you seen some of this stuff?"
I'd rather not. But I did. And it freaked me out. No jealousy induced raves; it scared me a little. A wrong impression perhaps... a thought for the sake of scaring myself, also possible.

And then I picked up the phone, and whil you were speaking, I couldn't tell if that change in your tone of voice was for the sake of being cute or some sort of sadness. Perhaps its just the sound of your voice that draws me in. While I was talking, it occurred to me that I didn't care. I don't care.

I recall smiling yesterday. Uncontrollably. I haven't smiled uncontrollably for even a short while in so long that I couldn't pin down a date if I tried. The ten minutes of smiling was worth it not to care about a few words in a search engine that frightened me.

I can't make any sense of whatever it is i'm trying to say, and this sounds so much more beautiful inside my head.

Maybe it's on account of how tired my brain feels.

Maybe I think too much. Thats it. If I can learn not to think so much, whatever i'm trying to say will make more sense.

2005-11-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

Ever come across things you know that you are better off ignoring, explore anyway, find all the things you don't want to know about, and get really freaked out?

I do it all the time. I've got to stop looking for this shit.

Life putters on as it always does. You know, I hate jealousy. Its so irrational and strange. I hate to feel it, i hate to watch other people feel it. Mostly, I just hate to feel it.

Car's fixed somewhat. Maybe now I won't be dying from the fumes blowing in my face anymore.

Well, I really don't know what to say exactly. Just thought I'd let you know (?) that I"ll try to do the update thing on a more regular basis. If not, then thats what I chose to do. Not dead yet at any rate.

May you all have glorious days.

2005-11-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've found the internet again. I'm posting so that all the world can read this monstrous vomit of rambling....

I'm blogging.

Liz Phair rocked. I had a super fun amazing incredible time and I'm 1200 happy that I went. I saw B Minor Harmonic last night and it too was a good show... here's the catch though. I walked into a pro choice rally. it was interesting. Lots of invalid arguments about lesbians.... or something. The show was okay though.

I'm sick again. Who is shocked? Not I. Not I...

So, whats new? Ummm.... Having an okay week I guess. No valid complaints, except the little things I always find to get irritated about. I'm still decently satisfied with my existance. Robert and I are together now. None of you are shocked and most of you already know anyway. I have no complaints.

Yay for Kenny. Tyler is not going to die. There is the weekly update... because I do this weekly and all...

I am very tired right now. I don't know why I'm updating. I don't actually have much to say. I think I'ma go crash on Kennys living room couch. Hopefully I'll wake up and go home later. I'm so tired. all that partying and stuff I do. Always with the partying... i'm a wild one.

Good night. I can't ramble anymore.

2005-10-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

"somebody is waiting for me. somebody is wating for me...."

song stuck in my head

I LIVE!!!!!

Thats right, I haven't died yet. Forgive the last post. I was heinously depressed and feeling not so good for whatever reason. I am better. Content even. I won't go as far as all that giddy, giggley, psycho joy stuff. I haven't been THAT happy in aeons, but I am content. Life is moving along at more or less the same pace, my personal interactions are sparing but fullfilling and my relationships make me smile and keep me from gouging out my own eyes with a spork in my boredom. My eyes have, however, met a far different, yet equally painful fate.

Yesterday, a parking lot attacked me. The wind blew a chunk of ground into my eye. The chunk of ground proceeded to get stuck in my eye and cut up the inside of my eyelid. as a result, my face was red and purple, and the portion of my eye that wasn't swollen shut was blood shot. There was pain. I looked like a spousal abuse victim. No, nobody has been beating me lately.

Really, not much has been happening lately. Same old stuff thats been unfolding for weeks, months even. And I'm just here, living it up, or living it at shoulder level I guess... My eye doesn't hurt as much, so I'm not blind. I am out of gas though, so lets hope my sad little car can make it to the gas station.

Not dead yet,
Shaye

2005-10-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

I don't have a song lyric for you today. I don't have inspiration for any of you. I don't have anything for any of you.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am tired of being me. I'm tired of being someone I'm not. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what I am anymore. I don't know anything. I don't want to look in the mirror and I don't want to look at people. I hate everything. I don't know what the fuck I want from all this. Its like everytime I decide what I want and make a concious effort to get that thing, to reach that previously unnatainnable desire... just as soon as its in my hands, just as soon as I can taste whatever it is i think i'm longing for, whatever i think will make it all better again, I just don't want it anymore. So when I opt for the other side of the spectrum, likewise, I no longer want it. Is nothing ever going to make me happy? Am I that difficult, that unpleasant? Is that how you keep getting over me so quickly. I'm really not worth the pain am I? Not that I can blame you.

I miss Everett today, rather a bit desperately. I've gotten so accustomed to missing you, but this day, this particular day, it's actually painful. Deeply painful. and I can't figure out why. I wanted this after all, right? Pushed you into it even. Things would have been different.... to try again, to make it better, but I don't believe you. I dind't want this. I needed it. I've hit an all time low, and all thats left for me to do is claw my way back up.

I have to go on with the rest of my day, pretending that its not my fate, pretending this won't happen over and over again. Pretending i'm not being used by someone else now. It hadn't occured to me until yesterday... I am being used and I'm going to die alone at the rate I'm going. Just put it on my headstone because Its my fate. I'm going to spend my whole life alone. and I had it coming and its all my fault and i deserve every last bit of it right now. I deserve to feel like shit. I deserve to want to cry. I don't deserve much else, I'll tell you that.

How long can secrets stay secret?

We'll never talk again, will we? I gave up everything I had ever known, only now realizing it was all I had anyway. Starting over.... I'm starting over for the ninetieth time this year. What the fuck is my foundation?

I wish I had taken thie time... i ignored you in the end, and I wish i had taken the time, but this is finished, and its what I wanted. I have to keep reminding myself that its what i wanted or I'll keep running back, and theres no point in that. You seem to be moving along just fine. You get over me so quickly. You always get over me so quickly. So this is love. So this is ... nothing.

Maybe I'll go soul searching. Maybe I'm better off not knowing what my insides feel. Maybe ignorance is better. Why does this hurt so much today. whats so damned important about October 14th anyway? whats so wonderful about Fridays?

I'm going to go spend the next several hours left with little more than my thoughts, and by the time the sun sets, I will be a wreck. when I finally fall apart, then I can start the clawing process.

Happy Friday October 14th to you all. Its national 'this day has no significance' day. Lets celebrate by making it a day to remember. Go out and do something that will keep you remembering October 14th for years to come. Make a holiday out of meaninglessness. Make a celebration out of the ordinary. I know I will.

2005-09-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

this perfect day
we make our way to the end of it
with perfect grace
i lay my head in your lap and walk away
these days are sweet and strange
we're happy in our star scattered way
always

in this my life
in this my life as a ghost
in this my life
my happy life as a ghost

I've been lifting out the stains from these stones
planting flowers where you'll never find my bones
seven sisters seven stars shooting home
shouts and whispers of a better fight in better times

a day for the sweet and strange
and happy in some star shattered way
our way

in this my life
in this my life as a ghost
in this my life
my happy life as a ghost

this perfect day
i lay my sheild at your feet and walk away

2005-08-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

I got my wish.

I don't know what happened exactly.

But I remember why I keep on fighting.

2005-08-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

"and i promise you that I will be brave
i will be brave"

I'm in a funk. No real reason. I'm not upset about anything in particular. I think i'm upset about everything in particular. After going numb, I snapped out of it all at once and everything that should have bothered me in peices bothered me in one big ass chunk. Leaving me, in a funk. that rhymes...

I wouldn't normally post this, but I feel the urge to just in case. I've had this uncontrollable urge as of late. Unshakeable, almost. Not some urge to go get drunk or do something dangerous to myself as has been an urge of mine in the past. I can avoid those. They don't scare me. this one does. what would you do if I dissapeared from this place? If i just picked up and left, went somewhere far far away and nobody would ever know. I would warn someone, I wouldn't make it known, i wouldn't tell anybody where I was going. I would just ... go. Dissapear for a while. I would come back eventually, but I can't tell you when.

And none of you would ever know, save that I've just made it known. I've told you and I don't particularly know why. I'm not sure what gives me the urge. and I'll try to control myself, but If I should stop answering my phone and my door, I don't know... I want to say come looking for me, but I wouldn't want to be found. I want to bee seen but I don't want to be found...

perhaps I'm just a little bit lonely. I'll fight it out like i always do. I'll stay, if you want me to. If you know who you are. I will stay for you. I will stay and I will fight through this crazy, scary, lonely funk for whatever it is worth fighting for. I know what I think is worth fighting for. I know it is worth fighting for. theres always something worth fighting for. I promise you that I will be brave...

I feel good today. No. I'm serious. I almost feel happy today. I'm very close to happy, dispite my funk. I need to end this sunday night in some lovely way that will get me through the week, because the weekdays are the most lonely. I am trying. remind me what I'm fighting for, just for today, and I'll stay, I'll fight, and I'll be happy.

I'm rambling. I'll shut up. Good day.

2005-08-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

what is there to say...

Cameron is gone....

He didn't run away this time.

He isn't hiding out somewhere.

He isn't coming back.

He is just ... gone.

I'm sorry we gave up on you. But when you keep on throwing yourself in a pit, people don't extend thier hands anymore.

This is not how it is supposed to end.

If I could feel much else, save of course, what I feel currently, I would elaborate. And while I want to cry, I don't want to do it in the middle of the Flower Mound Public Library, in front of this poor individual facing me, watching my eyes turn red as he tries to do a research paper. I will cry in the car, if I can remember how to do it when I get there. Each time I think I'm going to cry, something stops me and pulls all the pain back into some hidden place with all the other hidden things I never told him.

I can finally feel and I don't like it. After days of numbness it was the viewing that did it for me. The tons of Cameronesque pictures of the smiling and the frowning and the general goofy expressions he is famous for. The smiling faces and the crying faces and the general feeling that everyone was back together for the first time in years, supporting eachother dispite the past and the hatred, and somebody who should have been with us was missing. I tried not to, but I did snap. I didn't cry. I have yet to cry. I hyperventilated before I cried, but that ever present numbness left me and now I"m all confused and don't know what to do b/c I can't seem to get my feelings in order.

There are happy times, tons of them. Millions of happy memories. Countless stories tons of pictures and hours of video footage of all the stupid things the three of us would do. We were inseperable, and then we became seperated. We are still seperating. Fading away from eachother it seems and Fridays will certainly never be the same again. We were the Friday thing and I'm going to be spending a lot of Fridays alone for a while. Not that we had ever reconnected, but now the chance is gone.

The inseperable three sinks to two, and even we are not so inseperable anymore. I feel alone and my head is spinning from all the tears stuck inside of it.

Don't do that. Don't do that you told me. It didn't mean a thing in the end. Not to you. I stopped. You couldn't. when your pillar of strength is held together by paper clips, it eventually crumbles and falls apart. When you are a pillar of strength held together by paper clips, its a struggle just to stay standing. I will, so would everyone stop worrying that I'm going to do something horrible to myself. I learned that lesson light years ago.

I don't know what to say. I feel confused about most aspects of my life. about my choices almost everywhere and others seem to agree. I don't doubt, I just don't know. How many times does history repeat itself? Because this whoever is reading this novel just keeps on starting from the beginning. I'm trapped in a web of pages, in chapters of my own past. when will the story end?

I feel lonely today. I'll try not to fuck up. Though its been rumored that the loneliness wasn't a feeling instigated by mistakes. I'll still just try not to fuck up. I don't know what I'm so afraid of.

I love you. Don't go...

2005-07-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	Manic-Depressive Man
Super Power	Irresistable Sexuality
Enemy	Martha Stewart
Mode Of Transportation	Motorcycle
Weapon	Tacos

Quiz created with MemeGen!

2005-06-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am, at the library, listening to rowdy grade school boys and irritation mock-high school actually grade school girls. Checking everything that hasn't been checked in the past six months. I now have an apartment, a motor on wheels and a peice of mind. I don't like this growing up thing. It causes death more quickly.

I dyed my hair purple, just for kicks, I suppose.

Everett and I got back together. I'm supposed to tell you that so you'll stop asking him questions about it.

I'm trying really hard to be naive and exstatic like I used to be, but I've got to be honest, I'm finding it to be rediculously difficult. I"m failing successfully. I'm fighting with the weight of emotional baggage. How long does that stuff stick around anyway? Not long I hope.

So, fifteen minutes left on my timer, whatever shall i do with it? I am so bored, and I know that if I go home I shall surely die of boredom. Save me.

somehow, my bank account became overdrawn and I must now pay in the blood of innocents. Gotta go find me some innocents.

My kids all graduated up a couple weeks ago, and I'm not happy about it at all. I miss them. They make me happy. I got too attached to this group of them. I should know better than to get attached to anything, but I never learn, keep getting attached, and fall to peices when they leave.

Guess I'm going to go home and ... clean my bathroom again ...

man, everytime I get bored I dye my hair some new shade of purple. This guy at work said I should dye it tangerine so that people can call me tangerine, like in the movie... where he called her tangerine. that was sweet. I wish I had a cute pet name. I used to, but I don't get called my cute pet name anymore, so now I have to succumb to looking like Vitamin C so that someone will call me Tangerine... *shivers*

and with this, since I have very little I want to tell the world, I will depart you, probably not reading this, as my blog has become more or less obsolete.

Tah.

2005-04-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

"Climax fades to the story line
It fades to the beginning of time
in reverse order"

Please don't be angry at me every time I walk out the door...I know I deserve it, but try to be a better person than me. Don't be angry at me because I said no... I've never said no before, but if I say yes, this catastrophe will never be undone.

Don't be angry at me for not being around. I think of you all the time anyway. Don't be angry at me for that either.

Or atleast, tell me why you seem so angry.

2005-04-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

My patterns of friendship have changed lately. I"ve become a cruddy friend I think. Its either one extreme or the other. Either I spend hours of my days with you, or I never see you anymore. And no, I can't explain why.

I'm in the middle of a moral dilemma and I'm not entirely sure what to do. Thus the never being home anymore thing. In honesty, I think I know what the right answer is, but I just don't want to face the questions if I never get any answers.

The angel in diapers saved my sanity again today. I just wish that he'd be able to remember it years from now.

Lots of people are doing lots of growing this month, and not all of it is up, I fear. I'm doing lots of growing this month, and hardly any of it is up, I fear.

Tomorrow will rock, another pointless four hour shift at six in the morning. Its not even worth it to get out of bed, but get out of bed I shall, though I'm not sure exactly why yet.

I've found a new musical love. A group called the B Minor Harmonics, I think. I saw them at a show yesterday and instantly fell in love, as they were amazing. One of those "wow, thats exactly what I"m thinking" kind of experiences, everytime they opened thier mouths.

I am so freaking tired.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He's gone missing from the realm of reality
He lives on a fantasy of the worst kind
He cuts into his skin
He bleeds into my heart

So I guess this is goodbye
for eternity
So I guess this is goodbye
for eternity

He's a lost boy with a lost soul
He's got nothing to give
He's a one life stand
Just a one life stand

So I guess this is goodbye
for eternity
So I guess this is goodbye
for eternity

2005-04-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

"Thats life. and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but its sorta all we have"

"I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh"

"I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you"

I'm tired of being a crazy bitch. I miss the person I was before, when everyone liked me and I was nice. I'm going to be that person again. I miss her. I think I could be that again, with a little bit of time. Be patient with me. I'll learn how to love everything again.

I don't hate myself anymore. It just really kicked in on me today. I've been going on and on about how awesome I am, but I never knew why I was saying any of it. To comfort myself perhaps, but I just realized it not an hour ago. I don't hate myself. I looked in the mirror and it was a shock to me to find somebody staring back. I had a reflection. Something lovely has manifested in me this past year and a half. And even though it ended and even though it still hurts like hell, you changed something inside of me. I don't know if you made me alive or if you made me realize that I am alive, but something huge has changed in me and I'm feeling things I've never felt before.

Its strange not to hate myself. Its an unusual sensation not to feel numb about yourself. I've done a lot of stuff in my life that I shouldn't have, I've given a lot of myself that I wonder if I can live without, but somehow, for the first time in recorded human history, I don't hate myself.

I've also determined that I don't like pretty boys. I can't see the beauty in pretty boys. In pretty people. Thats not to say I don't see beautiful things, but I see them in unconvention, unorthodox ways. I know beautiful people, but you don't think they are beautiful.

I'm a go downstairs now and do something... though I"m not sure what.

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let goJump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

2005-04-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

"You don't inspire a metric ton of trust...
taken from a song stuck in my head. Something new i have recently been introduced to. Go Kristin Hersh.

I am updating...

My job is amazing. I get 29 hours next week, which means that the job has to go. So I'm applying at the bank at Kroger, where, if hired, I will likely make almost twice what I make now. That would help. It took me over an hour to sort four pages of tags today b/c they wouldn't stop calling me to the front. They even called me three times during my break, and I didn't respond and they called me more. They can't take a hint. I'm so sick of Kroger.

There is one plus to this horrendous job, however. I made a friend. I would like to take this time to emphasize the word friend, as many of you are fearful of this persons intentions with someone such as myself. The reason for this, dear readers, is due to the nine year age gap between us. My theory is that this nine year age gap makes keeping it all platonic much easier. Yes, I have made a friend. We spend afternoons watching movies and listening to music and chatting about whatever will come up in between. And I must say, I'm finding it to be calming. You see, since this break up, I've had trouble finding a place to go and just clear my head of it all, seeing as how every time I open my eyes I am reminded of something we used to do, somewhere we used to go. Every where I turn it seems I am reminded of all the things that went wrong, and of all the things that went right. I'm not trying to forget, but if I think about it all the time, I will lose my mind and that will get messy. And so spending time with this new friend of mine these many afternoons as of late has been nice, because my surroundings aren't laced with memories of all the things I'm missing. Its like a fresh start. A new beginning. another section of my life started with a new friend, an I like it. Nights seem shorter when my heart gets a rest in the day.

Plus, I like to make new friends.

I do not, however, like people to try and con me into letting them play matchmaker on me. There is this guy I talk to at the bank at Kroger sometimes, and he's a unique individual indeed, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him. And he's trying to con me into going on a date with another guy who works at the bank. I can't tell you the kids name, as I can't actually pronounce it... a 22 year old.

I am certainly not ready to thrust myself back into the dating world just yet.

I'm surrounded by twenty somethings and feeling very young and naive. Even the person I hang out with at self check out is... about 22 actually. I'm the baby at my job. I'm the little on in my group of new aquaintances.

I also have a tissue in my nose.

My nose ring hole still hurts. I think its this new ring, and as a result I will put the old one back in tonight. Maybe.

I just realized how sleepy I am...

2005-04-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

Fancy this...

I've spent my afternoon working someone elses shift, and I didn't much enjoy it, so when I came home, I quite uselessly checked this blog and some others. Then I grabbed some cold pizza and a warm soda and came upstairs to avoid the dishes, the laundry, the stench of working, and my own thoughts, and here I sit, cold pizza eaten, hot soda half empty, still stinking and swaying to the ever nasal voice of the Violent Femmes guy doing a life performance of a song about doing naughty things to himself. I am not a waste of a life. Heavens no.

I'm in a a cruddy emotional state... and I don't quite know why.

Music has changed to Alanis Morrisette singing a song about emotional abuse. I shall consider posting the lyrics... someday.

I wish I had something to blog about.

Oh, how about this...

As of late, I have been given a considerable amount of crap for finding unfathomable beauty in things that other people don't find to be outwardly beautiful. I"m seeing it, or hearing it, perhaps, in sounds that are not normally pleasing to the ear. I am seeing it in people, in random objects, in junk I find lying around. And its not necessarily one of those internal beauty externalized things. I actually see them, just as they come, as quite beautiful. I hear a lot of "Oh, I'm sure they have a lovely personality and all, but other than that..." and I can't help but feel like perhaps my eyes are broken. I've always managed to see beauty in unlikable things though. I don't much care for pretty things. I got into a heated debate with a bank teller yesterday about how rediculously irritating pretty boys are.

They all think I'm crazy. Think I'm nuts, but its some of you I'm talking about, you stunningly beautiful people.

The net radio just stopped.... oh, there it goes. Stupid computer. I do not find it to be beautiful.

My nose is sore. I can't stop sneezing, and I really need a shower. I reek of failure.

A question that you likely won't answer...

Normal people go through periods of self conciousness and feeling all dumb and not so great about themselves. That is the normal reaction to being dumped. "Well, I feel like shit because I'm not good enough." That, my friends, is normal. I on the other hand, have become more confident, borderlining on self absorbed. This, dear companions of mine, is not normal. I have been rather upset with myself as of late due to a great deal of not hating myself.

Perhaps something truly is wrong with me.

My warm soda has now departed me, and I must do the same to you.

Until fate should bring us to this place once again, I'm gonna knock it off with the trying to sound insightful and leave now.

2005-04-20T16:03:00.000-07:00

I had a lovely time at a movie yesterday. It was good. Lots of people at work don't hate me

But

No matter what today throws at me, it will be a wonderful day b/c I just found out...

NATHANS GONNA BE A DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
these are the best days of your lives.
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right"

So, when do the peices fall into place, already?

Finding a place to live is proving to be trying. So is finding a place to work. Everything is proving to be quite stressful.

So, to make myself better about things (?) I decided to randomly get my nose peirced yesterday before church.

It really is as painful as they say it is. It will almost certainly make your eyes water, even if you don't cry. But I'm satisfied with how it turned out. Yes, kids its on tape. You may laugh heartily at my expense, as you always do when my pain gets recorded.

I've never done anything sporadic before, and so the first time I do, naturally it puts a hole in my face. I can't get my spacer in witout passing out... and that will be a problem at work sunday morning, what with the chilluns.

I finally got my license. I've been renovating my life, I guess. Getting a license, finding a car, searching for an apartment, hunting out a new job, and peircing my nose.

I feel tired and gross. Perhaps I will shower and sleep to make the exhaustion of failure and the stink of work fade away some. Do something fancy with my hair, actually shave, I don't know. I'll find something classy and feminine to occupy my time with. But for now, I have this oh so lovely, very classy looking nose ring. Note to my mother, it really does look good on me. Its very lovely..

and very sore.

God, I need a roomate...

I was dancing around the Cicis parking lot yesterday and a friend described my dancing style as raw sexuality, which I found funny, because I don't feel particularly sexual at all as of late. I don't even think I've made any Shayisms in .... days at least. I hate sex right now. Perhaps my "raw sexual" dancing is a way of displaying my sexual frustration... Hmmm. Stupid sexual frustration

Growing up sucks.

2005-04-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

beautiful fabrications of absolute bullshit.

That is my poetic loveliness... I am so pathetic. I thought that one up at work today. I don't hate anybody... but the words all seem like just that, beautiful fabrications of absolute bullshit. And I can't say why. You wouldn't believe me anyway. Thats the joy of biased opinions. You'll never believe me.

I am tired as all hell right now. I feel a little bit sick from the exhaustion. I haven't slept much lately. I got two hours last night, as has been the pattern for some time. I could have gotten more had Levi not been convinced that I can't sleep in the park. I have to sleep tonight...

I'm irritated b/c all I asked for was truth. All I wanted out of all this mess was some honesty, and I'm not even respectable enough for honesty. I get beautiful fabrications of absolute bullshit.

Or so it feels. I don't know what it really is. Nobody will tell me. So I just have to make my own inferences, and they are usually wrong, but what else do I have to go by?Thats the problem with fabrications. They seem so logical when you find them.

I'd love to type more, but I'm so tired that the letters are starting to walk around the screen on me and i can't even read what I'm typing.

My hair looks awesome right now.

I got my license... Now I really am running out of excuses...

Night.

2005-04-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am not on cloud nine. I am not flying high. I'm not happy as a clown (not saying much, as all clowns look sad). I am not giddy with joy. I don't feel awesome.

But today, I don't care.

I decided last night that I wasn't going to torment myself because it only makes Everett hate me, and it only makes me hate myself, so last night, rather than drive myself crazy, I took my rockin' new Paul Simon cd with me to the park and I danced around the feild like a crazy person, arms and legs flailing in the air, singing my own rendition of songs performed in African. I danced up a storm. That is to say, I danced up a storm until I learned that my camo pants still don't fit me right, due to all the weight I lost around my ass from not eating. I was jamming and flailing like a madman, and my pants fell right off, so there I am, dancing like crazy in the park without any pants on... I went inside to get a belt, and I returned on my journey to flail the night away. Then I felt very alone.

I looked around me and realized even the june bugs weren't bothering me, and I wasn't sure what to do with myself in all that seemingly infinite space, being so freaking small and such. So I called for some company. Not to whine and cry and complain about hating everything. Not to be in a bad mood and slaughter moral, or to say things I would regret the next morning. I just didn' want to be all alone. SO I called Levi, who is allergic to answering phone calls, but I learned that I am no better. He met me at the park, and while we didn't do much flailing, we did hang out, and get the cops called on us for existing. I needed to talk to him anyway, and by two a.m. I was left feeling a lot better about a lot of things. I wouldn't say I was happy or (insert synonym), but I felt less confused and a little more useful. We should hang out more often. We practically don't hang out at all unless one of us is in crisis...

So then I got my two hours of sleep and my too many hours of work, and watched the plan to get me driving fall through once more, and here I am, typing on a blog to a bunch of people who won't remember what I said anyway.

Must make plan of some sort... everything .... gah!!!!

MUSICAL INSPIRATION!!!!!!

A man walks down the street
He says why am I so soft in the middle now
Why am I so soft in the middle
The rest of my life is so hard
I need a photo oppurtunity
I want a shot at redemtion
Don't want to end up a cartoon
In a cartoon graveyard
Bonedigger Bonedigger
Dogs in the moonlight
Far away my well lit door
Mr. Beerbelly Beerbelly
Get these mutts away from me
You know I don't find this stuff amusing anymore

You can be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al

A man walks down the street
He says why am I short of attention
Got a short little attention span
And wo my nights are so long
Where's my wife and family
What if I die here
Who'll be my role model
now what my role model is
gone gone
He ducked back down the alley
With some rolly polly little bat faced girl
All along, along
There were incidents and accidents
There were hints and allegations

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al

A man walks down the street
Its a street in a strange world
Maybe its a third world
Maybe its his first time around
He doesn't speak the language
He holds no currency
He is a foreign man
He is surrounded by the sound
the sound
cattle in the marketplace
Scatterlings and orphanages
He looks around, around
He sees angels in the architecture
Spinning in infinity
He says Amen! and Hallalujah!

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you Betty
And Betty when you call me
You can call me Al

2005-04-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

"What is this mangled, oozing, empty peice of nothing stuck all over your beautiful peice of art?"

That is my peice of art.

I'm very hungry, and thus feel a little like vomiting, but not so much like eating.

I"m trying to be okay about it. I'm trying to say go do your thing and have a smile about it, but I am failing. Maybe I am such a mess because I am still in love with you, trying to recover from whatever it is i'm suffering from, blowing all my hope to peices because I know it doesn't mean a thing anymore, and dying inside because you are unphased by everything. Did it mean so little that you can be completely unphased?

I'm trying not to be paranoid even though they tell me you are doing this on purpose, just for kicks, just to prove something ,and I'd rather not believe that. Maybe I'm fighting with myself. Maybe i"m battling over wether I want to hold on to everything and stay in the background waiting like I promised I would, and wanting to forget everything and send all the promises I made to hell because promises dont mean much anyway. Maybe I'm having trouble understanding how if everything meant anything, you could sit there and be completely unphased.

And maybe I'm having trouble watching you grow so close to someone you told me reminded you of the girl who broke your heart, and that you had to leave me to figure things out, and how I'm not supposed to wonder if you left me for someone else.

Maybe I"m confused and I don't have much of a release for any of it because I can't go to my best friend, because I'm still trying to figure out how to just be his best friend again, and how I"m just supposed to go on pretending when I gave you everything. I don't have anything left to hold on to, and I'm having some trouble with that okay?

Perhaps I am whiney, and bitchy, and moody and unpleasant to be around, but dammit, I'm not the only one who thinks its a little bit cruel to spend all your time with some girl not two days after you just randomly dump the person who swore they'd marry you and do anything to make you happy, and gave you everything when I've never given anyone anything before. You had me so convinced...

And at the end of every thought, at the end of every paragraph, every sentence, every single word, I think about what I"m saying and I hate myself for it. i want to saw my own hands off sometimes just so I can't write shit like this anymore. I hate myself everytime I think about something like this, because I know I don't mean a word of it, and I know I'm still just holding onto some stupid dream that doesn't mean a thing to you anymore. I hate myself in the morning for hating everything else at night. I don't mean any of it... thats why I never want to tell you whats bothering me, because I explode into these little tantrum laced fits of jealousy that are pointless and meaningless.

We swore we'd always be sisters, but we swore a lot, didn't we? We knew we'd be okay, but we KNEW everything else didn't we? If I can't have my love back, I would like my sister, but I won't force you to be my friend if you want other things. All I'm doing is tormenting you anyway. You went back to just friends a long time ago, but I kept holding on...I told you I would fight for you, even if it meant I had to be fighting from the outside. I meant that part. I meant the things I said Saturday night after the fair. I hoped, but I knew better. I knew that that night was the last time we would be together, just us. I knew, so why would I say anything I didn't mean, if I knew? I wouldn't.

Yes, I am having trouble. A lot of trouble, But I'm still doing things that nobody in history will likely do for you. I'm still just hoping you'll be my friend. I never once asked you to take me back, I never begged you, I never begged God, I never cried to anyone about how I wanted you to take me back, and I never will. Its not fair of me to want that much from you, and its not fair of you to give me anything if you can't give me anything. I love my zombie, but I will never beg him.

I will never hate you. I will never tell you that you are an ass, and I will never demand that you are wrong. If you don't still feel it, its not right, and you aren't an ass for feeling. You aren't an ass for telling me, and you don't make my life miserable.

I will never stop caring about you, and I will never wish you are unhappy. I'll always call you sister, even if you don't want to call me friend. I will never wish angry, vengeful things on you, and I will always be around, if you'll have me. I will never say I told you so.

I won't keep secrets. You know that someday I'll let you read that notebook. But I won't make you do it. I will try never to tell you things I don't mean to your face, and I will not try to intentionally make you feel shitty.

I will never be angry at you for what happened. I wasn't when It happened, and till the day I die, I won't be angry.

These are glimpses into what I write. some things sound so angry, but in the end, theres always something lovely about you.

I dont know how to end this journal. I don't even think I want to post it, really. Hmm...

The truth is, you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I would apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

Accept my apology, believe that I am sorry for everything I do to you. I'll ask you to believe me, but I won't expect you to forgive me.

2005-04-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

The daytime isn't so bad, but when night comes along, its like heartbreak all over again. Little things ... that ... just ... hurt. And so at night, I write. I write for hours and hours and I rarely mean a word of it. And then I feel bad because I just have to hope nobody finds it till I'm ready to confess what a bitch I am. And then I hate myself in the morning. I think too much. And I hate myself.

I turned in an application at an apartment today. Time will tell, or something. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it or dreading the very thought.

I am hurting right now. Yes Eric, you are right, they do become pity parties. I hate pity parties, but I am a bitch of a broken heart, so maybe I don't hate them so much. I will confess though, there have been times when I only wanted to talk to you, and you weren't around. Thank you for being his friend. I have plenty. I want to be happy.

I can be, I bet.

I would also like to make a personal note to .... I don't know ... none of the people I'm talking to even read this anyway. so here goes.

Stop hitting on me. Not because I hate you, not because I just "want to be friends". How I feel about anyone has nothing to do with anything. Its just too soon for me. I'm not even done crying about it yet, so give me a break. I am not a peice of meat.

Glad I got that off my chest.

Personal note to Levi. I changed my mind about Styx. I decided on Paul Simon instead.

I"ll finish this later. Food awaits.

2005-04-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

I read one and answered it. I have no choice in the matter.

If you read this,you must make a comment of a memory you have of me.
it can be anything you want,it can be good or bad,just so long as it happened.
then post this to your journal.
see what people remember about you.

Last night I went with a group to see Sin City. I enjoyed it. I'm always up for a movie with lots of naked girls... Actually it was enternaining to see. I spent a considerable amount of time feeling invisible. Lots of people looked right through me in the course of the night. Give me crap for whining. I dare you...

Still no word on either apartment. Just my luck I suppose. Prolonge the anxiety. I love the pain.

I have other things to talk about, but if I do I will say something I don't mean. I'ma go look for information about joining a nunnery now.

I love to sing. I'm stuck on the Dresden Dolls this week.

I don't think I want to talk about it anymore. I think I want to just ... pretend.

2005-04-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

Today, I am filled with far more questions than answers. I am more curious than apathetic. I am more shallow than quiet. I feel more nervous than comforted. I suspect more and understand less. And I am trying to be particularly careful with my actions toward other people.

I will be crazy in an hour, I'm sure, but at the moment, I am .... getting by.

My hero in diapers had another difficult morning. He came in screaming, as has been the pattern, excluding of course last Sunday when he saved my sanity and my heart. He did not have an easy morning at first. He did however have a lovely service. Two in fact. He was there for the full four hours this morning and his smile is still penetrating my soul. Even with said difficulties at first. I read him stories and we played with cars and he crawled in my lap and made me smile.

Ann, on the other hand, gave me diaper duty today. One little girl found it amusing to make me change her diaper multiple times.

Kids are great.

Suddenly, I ... feel .... different.

2005-04-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

"...
We tried not to look at eachother
At this time were we loving
Or did we sit there wondering
I gazed at the window only to see
A reflection of her looking at me

I swallowed the lump in my throat
And held back the urge to cry

The car slowly came to a stop
As much as it hurt
I gave her a hug and whispered I love you
My shoulder became soaked in her tears
I shut the door behind me and
Began my lonely walk to the house

Laying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling
Put my world into perspective

I came to realize that we cannot control someone's decisions
We can only respect them for making these choices

I closed my eyesand let go of this reality
I take a deep breath before the plunge
My dreams pulled the lever
I then fell forever

Up becomes down
Light turns to darkness
A smile becomes a frown
Partnership turns to loneliness
Patience is rationality
Chaos is peace
Peace is but a shadow of death
And I am surreal

A formula for a bad dream
..."

Dammit Kenny... you're so freaking right sometimes it makes me sick.

I came to realize that we cannot control someones decisions
We can only respect them for making these choices.

I wish I could write with as much heart, with as much meaning as that. All I have is ... not even words. Its all crap.

I went looking at apartments today. I'll probably end up in this place in Lewisville. Its an alright place. Its big. Its got lots of ... stuff... in it. Its big and empty. I'm hoping you'll come spend some time with me. Whoever you are. wherever you are. Maybe some of you from PA can even come visit me. When I have furniture, we'll do something.

I need to go do something with my life.

I am going to quit Kroger when I get a car and a new job. I'm sick of being used. They make me work file maintanence and consider me front end so they still don't have to pay me anything.

I go now.

2005-04-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

I am really trying to write something lovely, but words are not working with me. All I can come up with is this embarassing pity you pity me b.s. and a bunch of random lines about dirty diapers. I can't write anything lovely or pretty or even meaningful. I can't force my songs to have the meaning I want them to. I can't force anything, can I?

I guess I'm supposed to be moving out this weekend or something. I don't want to be alone... I feel lonely enough without being surrounded by nobody. I"m afraid. Don't leave me alone.

Bla Bla Blah. I hate work. I hate sun. I hate light. I hate EVERYTHING!!!!! Even though I guess I don't.

Don't break my illusion. You will shatter my reality.

Sounds beautiful, no? I didn't write it. But its how I feelish.

I don't know what I am doing. So please come see my in my place I don't own yet, because I don't have a car and I will be stuck there all the time all by myself if you don't.

It will be amazing. And my amazing I mean of course, suck

2005-04-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

She seems dressed in all of me
Stretched across my shame
All the torment and the pain
Leaked throgh and covored me
I'd do anything to have her to myself
Just to have her for myself
Now I don't know what to do
I don't know know what to do
When she makes me sad

She is everything to me
The unriquited dream
A song that noone sings
The unattainable...

She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad

But i won't let this build up isnide of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

A catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into peices
I won't
No
I don't want to be this
But I won't let this builld up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me

She isn't real.
I can't make her real
She isn't real
I can't make her real
(inside of me)

2005-04-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

I didn't really mean it when I said that everything was too perfect. I want it all to be perfect again. I didn't mean it when I said how tired I was of being fixed. I don't want to be broken anymore.

Tests of faith and changes suck more than anything in the world. This ... this is truly what heartbreak feels like. And I thought it was so hard when people wouldn't love me in the first place. Its way more painful when they don't love you anymore.

I won't ask for it to change. I just want to feel again.

On a brighter note...

...

...

...

I have to go now.

2005-04-04T15:24:00.000-07:00

My God, it must be over. He even changed my screen saver.

I turns out that this Saturday, I couldn't save everything, and now I fear that its all dead. And there was nothing I could do...

I thought It would last forever, but now... What am I supposed to do?

Nathan, why don't you ever answer your calls.

We even had a song....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking
Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
Hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think its cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?
Well did you?

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Walking
Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
And hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think its cool
To walk right up
And take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?
Well did you?

I hate you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
And touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I've slept so long witout you
Its tearing me apart
How'd it get this far
Playing games with this old heart
I've killed a million pretty faces
But I couldn't kill you

I've slept so long without you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't really know why we chose this to be our song...

2005-04-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

Its not even my business, and I can't stop crying.

Tomorrow morning, before I even get my lazy ass out of bed, somebodies baby is going to die, and theres nothing I can do about it.

All that talking and debating and fits of passion I've allowed myself to get overwhelmed in throughout my life and it hasn't amounted to anything.

Its still going to die. I can't stop it, I can't change it, I can't pretend its not going to happen.

I can't fix it. A girl told me once that I had a Messiah Complex. Thats the medical term, I suppose. A person who becomes wrapped up and overwhelmed in trying to fix the world. Trying to do Jesus' job, to fix everyone elses problems. It always devistates me when I fail. I'm not Jesus, so as you can imagine I usually fail. I almost always fail.

I don't even have the chance to fail this time. Its already got a heartbeat. You can already see it growing. It can move its limbs. In two more weeks it will be a he or a she.

Only, it won't.

Its not my decision. I want it to be. I want to fix everything for her, and for the one who hasn't decided what it will be yet. Who doesn't get the chance.

It happens every day. Someones baby dies. Someones BABY. Thier little boy or little girl. They die. Every time i blink, somebodies baby dies. In six hours, her baby dies. Her little boy or little girl.

She tells me its an amazing feeling, too. A life. Her baby. But in six hours ... its gone. She's scared. Terrified. I'm scared. I hardly know the girl, but I'm scared too.

It happens every day, so why am I falling apart so much harder this time?

I've gotten into monsterous fights with people, huge debates about how wrong it is. My God, some of the things I probably said. I couldn't look at her and tell her she was murdering someone. I couldn't beg her not to. I tried. I wanted to. I wanted to be angry, but I could only be calm, and try to beg her not to in the nicest way on earth. I wanted to argue, but I could only be heartbroken. And just when I was finally starting to patch it back up from the last time it shattered.

I don't want to go to sleep because I know the first thing I will think about when I open my eyes is that its dead, and I coudn't save it.

God, I'm selfish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all o.k.
And not to worry
cause worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small I know
but they're not yours,. they are my own
and they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
but it didn't steal your laugter
and heartache came to visit me
but I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite
for someone must stand up for whats right
cause where theres a man who has no voice
there ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know
but they're not yours, they are my own
and they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters
in the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray
I will get down on my knees and I will pray

My hands are small I know
but they're not yours, they are my own
but they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken

We are God's eyes
Gods hands
God's mind
We are Gods eyes
Gods hands
Gods heart
We are God's eyes
Gods hands
Gods eyes
Gods hands
God's hands...

2005-03-29T14:47:00.000-08:00

*gasp*

I totally forgot to introduce you to my zombie nightmare theme song.

A perfect Circle - Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rythem of the War Drums

Don't fret precious, I'm here.
Step away from the window, go back to sleep.
Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils.
See, the don't give a fuck about you like I do.
Count the bodies like sheep.
Counting bodies like sheep to the rythem of the war drums.

I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons,
I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason.
I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices, son.
They're one in the same.
I must isolate you.
Isolate and save you from yourself.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.

The music is very "you're screwed" in a way.

P.S. My beloved Cherry Coke exploded all over me.

I cry.

2005-03-29T14:24:00.000-08:00

Note to Blog: Fix your freaking site already...

Its been an interesting day.

I'd like to insert a picture here, but I can't b/c blog says no, as usual. The picture was to be of the Backstreet Boys performing at thier concert this past weekend. Why might I insert such a picture here to ye many who don't care? Simlpe, my best friend and many other missed companions saw their show this past weekend, likely in Phili or Hershey and the pictures left on my dear friend Elliots xanga made me smile with little girly happiness. Thats right, I miss it, and I don't care what you think.

Walking partially home today I discovered that the sound you hear when you blow on the openings of coke bottles and such makes me smile.

I love Everett a freaking lot.

Every so often, I have what I choose to refer to as a Hollywood Nightmare. Thats where you wake up one day and the ultimate nightmare from a scary movie comes true. My Hollywood Nightmare is zombies. Not all the time, but sometimes, I'll wake up in the morning, usually one to two hours early and be convinced that zombies are taking over outside. Not those silly blue faced, uber slow zombies either. I"m talking blood and guts, outruns your car to get you, freaking foaming at the mouth and ripping you to peices zombies. I woke up at 5 this morning, and all I could think was that if I moved, the zombies would know I was there, and that when Pumpkin wouldn't stop barking, she was luring the zombies to me. Then it got progressively worse when I feared that walking up the stairs would awaken everett from his zombie slumber and he would burst through the door and attack me and start tearing me to peices and I just wouldn't have it in me to bash him over the head, what with loving him and all. I was paranoid in the shower, trying to plot my escape and realizing that I was quite doomed no matter what plan of action I took. Driving to work, there was a shocking lack of traffic, and immediately i thought, zombies... they ate corporate America. I was even trying to plot my ultimate escape at Kroger, thinking to myself that I could not die in a grocery store.

To say the least, zombies have yet to take over the world. Though they obviously have dibs on my overactive imagination.

So, as you can tell, its been a long day, and I am really tired.

I"m still mostly deaf from the ear infection, and beginning to wonder if I'll ever gain my lost sense back. It really makes you appreciate being able to hear, you know... well, with the exception of peoples freaking kids who won't shut up that you can hear from the other side of the store because they didn't get more sugar they don't need... But nevertheless.

I go.

May you sleep peacefully and zombies not rip you to shreds as you limp helplessly away from them.

2005-03-28T11:14:00.000-08:00

Blog is being all stupidheaded today.

Well, Happy Easter and all. I spent a good portion of mine in bed. I've been sick sick sick for a month, but the last week ish is blamed on a bacterial inner ear infection that won't go away, so I stayed home from work b/c I keep getting all dizzy like, forgetting that I have nothing better to do with my time.

Spent another $120 for doctor visits b/c my insurance company is stupid and has yet to send me my information. So i spent my time on Friday sitting in the doctors office crying like a baby b/c everything went wrong.

I had my heart broken last week, but I'm sure anyone who cares already knows, and still probably doesn't care. I am stupid. But enough of that. I'll break my own heart if I get started.

I finished the song I was writing, but anyone I've tried to play it for has no interest in hearing such rubbish. And frankly, I can't blame them.

Midevil fair next week, and If i'm still sick, i'll blow stuff up.

I'm on the lookout for a new immune system, as I fired mine, and It has to be willing to work hard, long hours, with little benifit, much like I do. So, If you hear anything, let me know.

2005-03-24T14:57:00.000-08:00

100 THINGS I'D LIKE TO DO BEFORE I DIE...
( ) complete a list of things to do before I die
( ) sky dive
( ) swim with sharks
( ) have twins
(x) have a song or poem written about me
(x) have a song dedicated to me on the radio
(x) own silver boots
(x) Meet a retired member of a mafia
( ) have my own apartment
(x) pet a cow
(x) be published in a literary magazine
(x) be published in a book
( ) be published in a book that isn't hosted by an online competition
( ) learn conversational Latin
( ) do something that nobody else has ever done
(x) perform on stage other than in school
(x) play a song i wrote live on the radio
( ) have a secret admirer
( ) get married at an outdoor wedding on a day when its pouring down rain
( ) be a daddys girl
( ) have a strong attachment to an inanimate object
(x) learn to change a diaper
( ) grow my hair three feet or longer
( ) work somewhere that doesn't require a dress code
( ) shave my head, and love it
(x) have fingernails that can be used as weapons
(x) make an article of clothing from scratch
(x) get stuck in a hail storm
( ) see a tornado in person
( ) learn to step dance
( ) ice skate
( ) ask somebody on a date
(x) try on a corset
(x) own a garter belt
( ) start a cult of short people who want to take over the world
(x) kiss underwater
( ) go camping
(x) catch fireflys
(x) crowdsurf at an outdoor concert
( ) win money on a lotto ticket bought as a joke
( ) be an extra in a zombie film
( ) visit a country overseas
( ) have the oppurtunity to tell a prominent figure in society that they were wrong
( ) not have a reason to do above action
( ) dye my hair purple
( ) meet Weird Al
(x) snowboard without dying
( ) write a great american novel
(x) hug a stranger
( ) learn the hardest chord ever on a guitar
( ) play a beautiful song on a piano
( ) covor every visible inch of my bedroom walls with things that I love
(x) be related to someone famous
( ) have a conversation with Pauly Shore
( ) See a Broadway performance
( ) see a persons aura
( ) learn to sew a straight line
( ) climb to the top of a volcano
( ) find the bottom of an endless abyss
(x) learn to french braid my own hair
( ) walk around in 8 inch ballirina heels
( ) fly
(x) pet a dangerous animal - like a jaguar or an alligator
( ) learn to belly dance
( ) scream back at a Banshee
( ) get my nose peirced
( ) move things with my mind
( ) see what God looks like
(x) make a little kid smile
( ) threaten my little brothers first girlfriend
( ) see my sister get married
( ) win a burping contest
( ) learn to speak Hawiian
( ) learn to play the bagpipes
( ) work in a library
( ) work in a record store
( ) do something naughty in a public place without getting cought
(x) take a pretty picture
( ) be in a music video
( ) do something for myself without caring how it might affect some random person I've never even met
( ) be a male for one day
( ) change the world
( ) marry an artist or musician
( ) do something shocking
( ) discover something scientifically completely new and name it after what I was thinking about at the time I discovered it
( ) have a garden of cactus and aloe vera (because its all I can keep alive)
( ) cook something edible
( ) admit openly that I'm not as bad as I say I am
(x) own an article of clothing that is more than 35 years old
( ) take my moms cracker jack box ring on antique roadshow
( ) be a creepy old cat lady
( ) learn to use foundation
( ) learn to sword fight in such a way as could save my life if I were ever attacked by ninjas
( ) tour Graceland
( ) own a full collection of Christina Ricci films
( ) visit the grave of a famous dead person who impacted my life significanly
( ) flawlessly sing the lyrics to "Its the end of the world as we know it"( ) figure out what ever happened to my kidnapped Berto choker( ) live to see the day when buying something in Euros saves money again
( )

Last space intentionally left blank. I hate finishing things that lay out what I want to do with my life when I'm so young and stupid.

2005-03-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

Important things to know about me...

If I could write beautiful words, I would waste them on less beautiful phrases

I fired my immune system yesterday

I set the keyboard in the underwear drawer when I type on this computer

The first older kid I ever knew was a sixteen year old pedophile.

I didn't like him.

I hate artificial peach flavoring

If I had a deep dark secret, I would probably tell it to you

I am a female but I'm not sure why

I've never done anything original in my life

I willingly went to see the Lizzy Mcguire Movie

I dispise changes

Yesterday I finally started making a list of things to do before I die

I think they should put the feeding tube back in.

I sing loudly when nobody is home

I don't sing loudly in the shower

I frequently ask for peoples attention by pushing them away

I don't pray for myself anymore

I've been to two weddings and one funural, but never a bat mitzvah

I also don't know how to spell said event

cheap wine burns my mouth like fiery owchness

I sometimes compliment myself in secret

I am afraid to sneeze publicly

I went through a two year period where I wouldn't even kill bugs

Many free spiders and queen ants showed me thier everlasting affection by biting the crap out of me in my sleep

I have slept on the floor of a home riddled with cocroaches

I fear cocroaches

I feel ready for sleeping again.

2005-03-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

Work proceeds to induce madness in my otherwise calm demeaner.

I am freezing today, and I don't know why. I think I"m getting sick... AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

I'm firing my immune system. It won't do its job right. Tomorrow will suck muchly. Too much work to do before sunrise.

I"m still freezing. Perhaps I'll take a hot shower and sleep away my afternoon, since I"m useless.

Forgive me, I don't have anything to say.

But someday, oh, someday...

*strikes dramatic pose*

2005-03-19T20:12:00.000-08:00

Bloggage.

This is a blog, and I am blogging.

I love to blog.

Blog is good blog is great, lets all run to buy a gate.

Blog often, blog safe.

Blog Happy.

2005-03-17T15:14:00.000-08:00

This has got to be the worst day of my life.

2005-03-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

I got an e mail today.

SONGS THAT REMIND ME OF YOU

Aerosmith - I dont want to miss a thing
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing, watching you smile while you are sleeping, while your far away, dreaming, I could spend my life in this sweet surrender, I could stay lost in this moment forever, where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Whitney Houston - I wanna dance with somebody
Clock strikes upon the hour and the sun begins to fade, still enough to figure out how to chase my blues away, ive done alright up till now, but its the light of day that shows me how, and when the night falls my lonely heart calls, oh I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna feel the heat with somebody, yeah I wanna dance with somebody, with somebody who loves me

Green Day- Boulevard of Broken Dreams (THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE)
I walk a lonely road, the only one that I ever known, dont know where it goes, but its only me and I walk alone, i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams, where the city sleeps, and im the only one and I walk alone, I walk alone, I walk alone, my shadows the only one that walks besides me, my shallow hearts the only thing thats beating, sometimes I wish someone would damn well find, till then I walk alone

Dionne Warwick- Thats what friends are for
Well you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you
And then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
These words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember
Keep smilin' keep shinin'
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Mary Tyler Moore Theme Song
She could turn the world on with her smile, make a nothing date suddenly make it all seem worth while well its you girl and you should know it, each and every step, glance, little moment you show it, love is all around no need to waste it, love is all around, why dont you take it, your gonna me it after all

2005-03-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

What am I...

2005-03-10T17:55:00.000-08:00

"I'm alright, I"m alright
It only hurst when I breathe"

I use that quote a lot...

anyway, breathing doesn't actually hurt today, but my inability to participate in this nicecity of life is a bit unnerving. I have accumulated some sort of respiratory issue.

"Well, Shaye, why don't you just go to the doctor?"

Yeah, and pay 200 dollars to be told that nothing is wrong with me? My account is already short too much from the last pointless visit, plus my lack of insurance leaves me putting yet another likely necessary doctor visit off. I've also picked up a tiny cough and i'm losing my voice.

How many more incurable illnesses can I catch this week?

I cleaned the bathroom today like a mofo and now I feel dirty and used.

Or just dirty.

I will now shower.

*gets naked and runs off into the sunset... er ... shower ... screaming the lyrics to zippidydoda*

2005-03-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

Sleep, it seems, is no longer a leisurly past time for me, but a mandatory act of wasting time.

I used to so love sleeping.

Now, i just wish I could stop.

And find something else worth filling the empty moments.

2005-03-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

Hey Eric, check it out...

Silva est magna.

Amo latinam.

Meam vitam odi.

Semel occidit brevis lux nox est perpetuuna dormienda.

Ericus est puella...

er um...

Ama strutheocamelum.

Da mi basia mille...

Actually, I was just kidding on that last one.

Pacem.

(How good is my latin? Do I still remember what I"m doing)

Its not exactly conversational, but they're all dead anyway.

2005-03-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

its back, and this time, its personal...

Or atleast in my case, viral. So they say. Remember that talk about my beautiful viral infection I blessed the first week of this blog with? Well, I thought I had it again, on account of all the white crap growing in the back of my throat, but apparently, its viral, and theres nothing I can do about it.

Aint that something? I still think It could be cured. Perhaps I won't be sick as a dog this time, but only time shall tell, aka, my five a.m. shift tomorrow. You should have seen me trying to explain how I might not be at work tomorrow, because I might be sick...

I am tired. I will now shower, and nap, and then eat, and nap some more.

Vale.

2005-02-28T18:21:00.000-08:00

SAVE THIS POST, BLOG HO!!!!

Today, I hate everything, and the funny thing is, i'm not sure why.

I want to blow things up, but I dont know which things, I am angry, but I'm not sure at what, and everything is going wrong, even the stuff that went alright.

My eyes hurt due to exaustion and not being able to take that much needed nap because noone will come see me when I'm lonely, and noone will leave me alone when I'm crowded.

I'm crowded by my own lunacy, and I have a headache.

Get out of my head, feelings

Maybe I really do just need some sleep, and everything will be all better in the morning.

Or maybe, thats just what you all want me to think, and I will hate everything for ever.

Over-dramatically yours.

2005-02-24T15:37:00.000-08:00

"I am bigger than my body gives me credit for"

Take THAT however you wish.

*frolicks off to finish the dreadful art of sewing*

2005-02-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

"No, I don't think you'd be Barbie. Barbies evil goth step sister maybe..."

A lady I work with told me that a while back. I don't remember why.

I feel like creating. I'm filled with oodles of useless, unoriginal ideas, but dammit I want to create.

2005-02-21T19:39:00.000-08:00

My ability to write something worth searing your poor eyeballs out with computer static has been short of impressive in the last couple of weeks, to say the least. I should write journals worth reading again, like I did when I was young and stupid, full of hormones and complaints....

Oh wait... I still haven't changed.

Its February, I think. I'm not quite sure since it is in the 70's outside today. I would expect this kind of misery from april, but February? My lovely ice coated February? Not in Texas. This psychotic shift in weather patterns may be the cause for some of my behavior as of late. Either the weather, or my lunacy. I had an episode yesterday.

A very bitter episode. A very insulting and angry episode. And rather than just say that I was unhappy, my passive agression got the best of me and I ruined everyones day with a simple invitation. I felt very used, very alone, and unwanted, and I wasn't sure just how to express that. So I had a fit and got upset in a pet store, and a movie theater, and the van, and a car, and at Braums, and I didn't know how to justify my clinginess. Hmm, I wonder why?????

I fell better now, of course. Because I always feel better in the end. Usually because everything that comes out of my mouth is unjustified and irrational. I still don't know how to explain what was going on in my head, considering my english is shotty, and I like to throw temper tantrums. So to save face.... or something ... I won't. Because I'm okay now. Until next time I go insane. Stop putting up with my and bash me in the head with something heavy. Save yourself.

I can't.

I was walking around the upstairs in my underwear this morning, and couldn't helpt but feel like a stranger in ... well, the upstairs of someone elses house, wearing my underwear...

I realized that no matter how many homes I gain, I won't ever be satisfied. Will anything ever feel like home? What is home supposed to feel like anyway? Am I just driving myself mad over nothing? I want to feel like I'm at home, whatever a real home is supposed to be, but I can't help but wonder .... about everything.

I hate Kroger.

Amo vaccae,

Shaye

2005-02-19T22:10:00.000-08:00

Today, my leg itches due to a very concerning mosquito bite that I somehow aquired.

I've finally compiled a stinkhole of words together to create an concept intro for my newest peice of literary blasphemy. I have entitles said work "Halo II Stole My Boyfriend." I think its going to be a couples therapy book.

I do not need said therapy.

I don't feel like wearing pants right now.

I still have to fold my laundry.

Having said nothing important once more....

Adieu.

2005-02-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

I decided some two months ago that I would seek out my own little personal vendetta to own all the Christina Ricci movies ever made. So now, for my own convenience more than yours, a list of those films and a track record of the ones I have currently seen or collected.

Mermaids
The Hard Way
The Addams Family
The Cemetary Club
Addams Family Values
Casper
Now and Then
Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain
Bastard Out of Carolina
The Last of the High Kings
Little Red Riding Hood
That Darn Cat
The Ice Storm
Buffalo '66
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The Opposite of Sex
Small Soldiers
Pecker
Desert Blue
I Woke Up Early the Day I Died
Souvenir
200 Cigarettes
No Vacancy
Sleepy Hollow
Bless the Child
The Man Who Cried
All Over the Guy
Prozac Nation
Moby: Play - the DVD
The Laramie Project
Pumpkin
Miranda
The Gathering
Anything Else
I Love Your Work
Monster
Cursed

I have a ways to go.

2005-02-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn

Your name:

Weapon of Choice:

Agent Orange

Your Favorite Target:

Necrophiliacs

Your Kill Count:

1,460,221,714

Your Battle Cry:

"Touch me, I'm happy!"

Years You Spend in Jail:

How Much Money In Damages You Cause:

$135,282,992,566,185

Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 8%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

2005-02-11T23:00:00.000-08:00

So, its late...

And the digital cable people murdered the connection in four counties while I typed my last blog, so its all gonish... then the car commited suicide while I was driving it that same day. And the Sims 2 is also going Kamikazi on me and ate all my characters...

These Poetry.com people won't stop sending me e mails so I can pay them cash I don't have.

My manager gave me someone elses requested week off....

This mouse is freaking out...

Anyway, I had that dream again, the one where Ev lies to me about being a chain smoker and I wake up angry... cept this time.... there were zombies involved.

I am having an allergy attack.

I sat down today and began working on my newest concept writing, a book entitled "Halo II stole my boyfriend"

Its not going to be a rant.... Perhaps couples therapy... perhaps an autobiography of my life since the coming of this grand game... At any rate, I didn't get far before I decided to have some Fruity Dyno Bites instead. And now I'm here

I finally saw the original Dracula

Oh, and I became depressed and overwhelmed with guilt during work today.

Its been eventful.

2005-02-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

"You're the reason that I want to break down and cry"

And by you.... I actually mean John Travolta.... Curse him *waves fist*

I can't type.

I saw Ladder 49 last week, and I left that movie feeling so empty and hopeless inside. I thought I would never smile again. so much so that on the way back from the theater, Kammah and I decided to make a detour and hug nine firefighters having dinner at a KFC/Taco Bell.

It was so sad.

I went to the Mall with Erica yesterday and let my feminine side dropkick me in the face with my most current purchase.

Oh, and my job makes me cringe with footy pain.

People I knew in Highschool keep getting all impregnated... it makes me sad.

I have nothing to say....

Farewell, oh cruel blog.... or something

2005-02-03T02:57:00.000-08:00

half underwater
I'm half my mothers daughter
a fraction's left up to dispute

the whole collection
half off the price they're asking
in the halfway house of ill repute

half accidental
full instrumental
I have a lot to think about

You think they're joking
you have to go provoke him
I guess its high time you found out

its half biology
and half corrective surgery gone wrong
you'll notice something funny
if you hang around here for too long
ago in some black hole
before they had these pills to take it back

I'm half Jill
and half Jack

Two halfs are equal
a cross between two evils
Its not an enviable lot

But if you listen
you'll learn to hear the difference
between the halfs and the half nots

And when I let him it
i feel the stitches getting sicker
I try to wash him out but like they say
the blood is thicker
I see my mother in my face
but only when I travel
I run as fast as I can run
but Jack comes tumbling after

And when I'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out
and I'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down
on 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact

I'm half Jill
and half Jack

I'm half way home now
half hoping for a showdown
cause I'm not big enough to house this crowd

It might destroy me
But I'd sacrifice my body
If it meant i'd get the jack part out

See Jack Run Jack
Run Jack See Jack
See Jack Run Jack
Run Jack See Jack
See Jack Run Jack
Run Jack See Jack
See Jack Run Jack
Run Jack Run Jack
Run

2005-01-31T20:26:00.000-08:00

Forgive me for remembering what you forgot.

2005-01-27T17:10:00.000-08:00

LOOK AT MY POEM!!!!!!!

It sucks royally and needs motherloads of work, but I wrote a freaking poem. Its been ages.

If I amount to nothing tomorrow
will you still love me like you do today?
and all the prayer in the world can't make me
anything I'd like to be
all the Jesus in my soul can't save me
I'm too unclean
All my pain is a lie and I"m just fine
pretending that everythings wrong
with all the things that were never right
I'm the loneliest now that I've never been
And so ugly draped in beautiful things
Velvet capes and diamonds
And I'm absolutely radiant
stripped down to sheer raw energy
translucent beauty laced with anger
tears falling like artwork down such a lovely, tainted face
Hideously innocent
Sublime, I"m so wicked
I wish that you would break me, I'm so tired of being fixed
Through my own existance
I have learned to contort philosophy

How pooey is that? but, oh, I wrote a poem,.,.,., It came to me in the shower. So I wrote it down.

By God, I finally wrote something.

2005-01-27T17:09:00.000-08:00

Lancaster is forgetting me...

2005-01-26T13:17:00.000-08:00

My mother was right....

I am a shoe whore. I like shoes. I want silver knee high Climber Boots.... A lot...

I am not materialistic, but I am a shoe whore.

Must .... resist.... urge... to ...order....... online....

2005-01-25T18:07:00.000-08:00

FIRSTS

First best friend: Danny. I don't actually remember when we met...First car: I had this pimped out Barbie van once...
First date: Going to Matts house for dinner... I guess. I don't go on very many dates
First kiss: Fall about two years ago. Josh
First break-up: On my one month anniversary... The last week of school... at my best friends house... I turned it from me breaking up into a mutual agreement... don't ask me how... I hate breaking up.
First screen name: Shellbell921 I think....
First self purchased album: Most certainly a single by a group called Five. A track called when the lights go out.... First actual full length cd...I want to say Linkin Park.
First funeral: Fifth grade when my neighbor had a heart attack.
First pets: A hamster named Rascal. I had it for a week. He had a little hamster illness when he was purchased and died shortly thereafter.
First piercing/tattoo: My ears. My mom did it and she swore never to do it again.
First credit card: Credit cards are stupid
First true love: Well, in 8th grade I really thought I loved this guy. Does it count if they don't love you back?
First enemy: A girl named Jocelyn in 2nd or 3rd grade. She used me and told all my friends not to talk to me or she would beat them up, and then she told me that in order to be cool I had to quit speaking to my best friend.... I didn't like her very much.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Elvis. I don't even have to have remembered it. It was Elvis

LASTS
Last cigarette: Oh about two hours ago... I was working the cigarette counter....Gag
Last car ride: Home from work.
Last kiss: Last night.
Last good cry: Its been a while....I did burst into tears about a month and something ish ago b/c I was mad at someone for complimenting me...
Last library book checked out: The Ciderhouse Rules....
Last movie seen in theaters: A Sharks Tale... like two days ago.
Last movie seen on DVD: "The Forgotten.Last beverage: Coke
Last food consumed: A handful of Caramel Clusters. The kind you stick some change into a little box to sample the candy.
Last crush: The person I'm dating. Last phone call: The call I made to ask Evs dad to come get me.
Last shoes worn: One slip on beach bum shoe, one black cordoroy sneaker with hot pink shoe lace.
Last CD played: At my house, breaking benjamin. At all, The Marshall Mathers LP in Chads car.
Last item bought: My soda.
Last annoyance: My manager asking me to stay four hours extra.
Last disappointment: That I said yes.
Last time wanting to die: I am always GOING TO DIEEEEEEE.
Last shirt worn: A white wife-beater with a skull and rose print on the front. Before that.... A white t shirt used as a towel while dying someones hair temporary black. I took it off b/c It was dying me black as well.
Last website visited: Meriam Websters online dictionary and thesaurus.... I like to look at the word of the day.
Last word you said: I don't remember...
Last song you sang: some song I've never heard before By the postal service

What is in your CD player? still the breaking benjamin cd I think
What color socks are you wearing? One blue sparkles, one red and black stripes
What color of underwear are you wearing? Black with white around the edges.
What's under your bed? I don't have a bed.
What time did you wake up today? About ten minutes before I had to be to work.

FUTURE
Where do you want to go? I don't care, so long as I get there.
What is your career going to be? Professional Bummin' because Its all I'm good at.
Where are you going to live? Hopefully not in my boyfriends parents living room forever.
How many kids do you want? Twins or bust.
What kind of car(s)? *shrugs* Umm... a junker or a 67 Fastback, I guess.

CURRENT
Current mood: Contemplating, tired
Current music: I've actually got Tide by Spill Canvas stuck in my head right now.
Current taste: Coke aftertase? Air? mmm air coke.
Current hair: 2 feet 5 inches long and still going, pulled up in a pony tail b/c I just got off work.
Current clothes: Black/ white pinstripe old man pants, and that wife-beater I was telling you about.
Current longing: Have something to do that doesn't waste my life. I want to sew something as well...
Current desktop picture: A black screen with I (heart) Shaye written in red letters that Ev stuck there when I wasn't looking.
Current favorite artist: Dali forever
Current book(s): I've got a pile I've been meaning to finish
Current color of toenails: Hot pink and purple... or they will be... when I get off my butt and paint them.
Current time: 7:21. My favorite time during 1500 hours.
Current hate: My job.

ME
My name is: Shaye.
I may seem: Short.
But I'm really: short.... and giddy
Sometimes I feel: Like a motherless child.... la la la... Oh right, no singing.
In the morning I: I am usually still asleep
I like to sleep with: the pillow.... sure.... the pillow.
If I could be doing anything right now I would be: not wasting my time with pointless questionaires.
Money is: stupid
One thing I wish I had is: some stupid money.
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: writers block.

2005-01-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

Welcome Minions... to my vastly redesigned blog!!!!!!!

Revel in its glory, bask in its complicated html settings. The color scheme is your master!!!

Okay so I changed one color and made STILL MORE DEVISIONS among my links to furthur irritate and confuse those of you searching for familiarity in a blog such as mine.

Let me feel intellegent for a mere moment.

I love the Dire Straits. I listen to them ... currently ...

I saw A Sharks Tale. I laughed gleefully and my soda blew up with tender loving care inside the sleeve of my jacket. I was sad.

I sound funny tonight. I am filled with tiredhead and wish with every ounce of my being not to attend the cattlegathering that is my job tomorrow.

I had fun at work today. Some of the kids did not.

I feel an urge to listen to Jack off Jill right now, and I can't explain why... I don't know anything by Jack off Jill.

I ... don't... really have anything to say tonight. Just felt the urge to update.

2005-01-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

Thank you once again, Elliot, for the humor that nobody who reads this will understand!!!!! God bless Lancaster.... I think...

You Know You're From Lancaster When...

Your idea of Chicken Pot Pie has nothing to do with a pie and you can't figure out why people might think it would.

Your driving lessons involved learning to avoid horse droppings.

You know at least 5 euphemisms for animal manure and at least 4 of them involve food.

You know how to cook, but not without butter.

You know what a Fire Hall Wedding is

You've been to a Chicken and Waffle Dinner

You spend at least 30 minutes every summer day complaining about New Jersey drivers.

You don't understand why people would ever want to see the Amish.

The local Post Office used to be a single-family home and they close between noon and 1 for lunch.

You have ever ended a sentence with "a while".

You do not giggle when you see the following signs:
-- Lititz
-- Intercourse
-- Blue Ball
-- Bird-in-Hand
-- Mount Joy

You've heard of 7-11 but you've never seen one.

You cannot buy beer and wine from the same store.

Park City has nothing to do with skiing for you.

Agnes 1972 means something to you and you can tell stories about it.

You pronounce Lancaster in "Burt Lancaster" differently from Lancaster in "Lancaster, PA".

And you giggle at people who say "Aee-mish".

Your iced tea is sweeter than Pepsi.

You know someone who repairs gasoline-powered lawn mowers, but is forbidden to own one.

You think Fasnacht Day and Groundhog Day are national holidays.

You know that eggs come in either white or brown - and you have a preference

You think the Mississippi is just a tad wider than the Susquehanna.

You know who James Buchanan was.

You don't have to be told what Shoo Fly Pie is.

You outen the lights at the end of the day.

You go to the store when the milk is "all".

You think orange traffic cones are the natural foliage surrounding Route 30.

A "Bud" is not a beer and it's much better than those cheap knockoffs, Hershey's kisses.

The word "red" is a verb.

"Come with?" is a complete sentence.

You know what Donkey baseball is.

You know what a liquid pit is.

At times, you utter things like, "Throw over the fence some hay."

It may be raining, but the question is: "Is it makin' down?" or "Is it really makin' down?"

The verb "to be" is useless: "Does Fido need out?"

You remember when Park City Mall had a flea market in the basement. Or worse yet, a skating rink.

You know that "long johns" are something you eat, not something you wear.

You own quilts and know their names.

You know what a Turkey Hill is , and you've ditched school to hang out there.

You've corrected all the errors while watching Witness.

Rush hour is on Saturday afternoon -- in the summer.

Your wan has vindshield vipers (and so does your station vagon).

You reocognize "Twin Kiss" and "Freez and Frizz," knowing that Dairy Queen is a pale imitation.

Dutch Wonderland is neither Dutch nor much of a Wonderland.

WGAL is the source of all local celebrities and they create quite a stir when they shop in the supermarket.

You go out of state just to drive on smooth roads.

You've ordered "dippy eggs" for breakfast.

The Green Dragon ain't no Chinese restaurant.

Bacon drippings are an ingredient for making salad dressing.

You think tourist attractions consist of a pretzel factory, a chocolate factory and an Amish family out for a drive.

You know the only way to make good fastnachts is to cook them in LARD.

You live within two miles of a plant that makes potato chips, corn chips, pretzels, candy or ice cream or that packages turkeys, beans or bologna.

You do things "once," as in, "I'll go check in the back room once."

You can stop along the road to buy fruit, vegetables or crafts on the "honor system."

YOUR turkey has "filling," not "stuffing" and most certainly NOT "dressing."

You know that chicken corn soup from a firehouse is the most perfect food on earth.

You say things like, "Outen the lights," "I'm calling off today" and "They're calling for snow."

You've heard of distelfinks and hex signs.

You never see any Confederate flags except on the Gettysburg battlefield.

You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.

You call sloppy joes "barbecue."

You think Medium Rare equals Well Done.

When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.

Words like: gumband, buggie, hoagie, chipped beef, scrapple, actually mean something to you.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Lancaster.

2005-01-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

*dramatic sigh*

Sometimes...

I wish i didn't fail at every attempt I make.

I wish I didn't suck at everything I do.

I wish I could accomplish something.

Go me.

Another vastly successful failure for the records.

2005-01-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

I still reek like cigarettes....

Yeah, I took up smoking...

Okay, welcome to reality, that was a joke. I reek like cigarettes b/c all the clothing from my parents house still isn't clean.... and I went to a club last night....

*giggles*

It was fun. I went to the Church, the club our own dear Josh is always raving about. I've never been to a club, but am I glad I went. It was just... so much fun. We sat in the balcony and watched people "get thier groove on* and then we all danced. We danced till we couln't dance anymore. Actually, what we did was more a mixture of dancing and moshing than anything else. During a 7 ish minute period of Rob Zombie and Manson, we all got so into it that people were moving away from our little circle to give us our space, or because they thought we were crazy.

I miss dancing. My best friend and I used to dance all the time, until the wee hours of the morning, we would dance, and oh such joy it would be, but until now, I have seen no dancing. Guys hate to dance it seems, but oh last night, we danced and went crazy and talked and It was amazing. I felt ... like an adult. I guess. Noone really treats you like you're 15 there. So, I danced the night away and loved every minute of it. A very different experience from high school stuff.

I would defanantly do this again. My only complaint is that I reek of cigarettes...

I guess thats an indicator that I should do my laundry soon.

2004-12-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So welcome to 05. I just watched an amazerizing fireworks show, and it was amazering. I liked it alot.

I spent much time talking to my uncle today, and he tried to convince me to manipulate and control the world, and become rich by surrounding myself with rich bastards who have no personality and too much money....

I love my uncle, but I really don't mind my insane friends and being picky with my money and other such not so pretentious lovelies.... so I'll likely not take much of his advice.

Speaking of something that has to do with nothing.....

Very little has changed here... The dominant male parental is in rare form ... again ... as usual ....

Shocker. I'm finding it hard to adjust. I suppose its pretty hard to readjust to pain when you spend so much time surrounded by beauty. It really opens my eyes to how blessed I am, which is good, because I take it for granted. I forget that I'm lucky and I can be different. It still hurts though, watching the shit slowly build up.

I had something deep and meaningful to say... but I'm not saying it .... for some reason... I am tired.

And I can't stop coughing.

I love someone.

2004-12-31T10:15:00.000-08:00

I must have a look about me...

because four people mistook me for working at the store I was in. I was pretty dressed up, so I can almost understand those weird kids at hot topic who were kicking eachother around. But the multiple middle aged ladies at Thrift Town? I dunno. Got that "i work everywhere" look about me, i guess. At any rate, I got a pattern, and I"m going to make something, with pattern and raw material, using a macine, for the first time ever.

Coming back in two whole days... ( I miss Everett)

2004-12-28T01:11:00.000-08:00

Its been an interesting couple of days. I still want to live... don't worry.

Christmas was nice. I have a dvd player now,.,.,., and I totally have a place to put it? Nevertheless... Anyway, Christmas night I got really really sick, and I'm still recovering. Happens every year without fail. I get violently ill. Still have a sore throat, but such is life. Yesterday I concluded that I am going to make it a goal to collect all the movies Christina Ricci was in, because I like her alot. I watched Monster, Pumpkin, and the Laramie Project almost back to back, I"m now listening to Rachel Kurtz, trying to block out my dads snoring till I go to bed. My mom and I are going shopping tomorrow. I did Celenas make up.... and it looked really really good children. I am amazing.

And I miss my zombie. I tried to call Ev today and his phone just sort of kept ringing and ringing, so I hung up, just a bit teary eyed, and watched a movie with my mom. I figure he was out with the guys or something, so I didn't take it personally or anything, I just missed hearing his voice. I'm sure the next four or five days will be really good for the two of us anyway. I think we were really starting to take eachother for granted, always being there and such, and I know it will be a million times more amazing to see him when I finally get back..... but for now, I miss my zombie.

Suppose I should do the sleep thing.

I keep going swimming. I guess I'm insane, swimming in December.... but .... hot tub... and ..... guilt trips. I'd almost forgotten what those felt like. So to say the least, my skin is shot and taking warm showers hurts.... My legs are all messed up... something in the pool water I guess. And while its good for my face, its not quite so good for my sinuses, or my hair, or my brain, or the water bill. I must refrain tomorrow, lest I die.

I enjoy the word lest.

I say that quite often.

Tah.

2004-12-24T19:36:00.000-08:00

No, ev, your not a loser. I'll give you that because I just love you so much.

Sorry about that last one. I was just feeling very lonely and felt like begging for attention.

Day one has gone well so far. I went to do the christmas shopping thing today and found a store at the mall here solely devoted to body peircings.... which I found to be interesting.

Watching Collateral. type later

2004-12-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

So, people are gathering to role play tonight... and I'm happy.......he he he.....*breaks down into painful violent sobs*

Actually, I"m pissed. I'd like not to be, but I leave tomorrow when I get off work, and I won't see ev for a week, and I was hoping to spend some time with him before I left, just the two of us.... but role plays are .... I don't know.... more important? I want to be mad but I hate being mad at him...Big ol' issues.But what can I do about it? We were supposed to do something together today, so I could spend some time with him before I leave for a WEEK but, it snowed, and now... I'm sort of feeling second rate.... and I hate feeling like I'm not at least as important as some game that he's just going to play every night for the rest of his vacation. And to top it all off... there are just millions of people gathering here and I wish to sit in a corner and cry solely to get the attention of a certain someone sitting next to me killing things....

.... pay attention to me...

I'm just feeling particularly moody and needy and clingy and stuff.... forgive me

I guess I'll see you all in a week.

Oh, I like horses a lot, but I've never ridden one before. And Ev found my glasses sitting on the curb of Morris like someone had set them there or something,.,.,. completely unharmed.

2004-12-21T21:12:00.000-08:00

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2004-12-21T20:23:00.000-08:00
For shame...

I've been neglecting my rantings... but blog has been neglecting my entry count... 144 for the last month and a half... even I'm not that bad.

I really want to say something meaningful. I'm sure I have it in me, but my brain doesn't seem to have the capacity to let out all of those supposed deep meaningful thoughts. I go to the parentals house in a few mere days. I'd like to see Everett some in the next two days... but alas.... he has things he is doing, and I won't stop him.

So, I'm listening to Breaking Benjamin, and I really have to pee...

I wish I had something useful to say. Guess, I'll just let you all know how dead I'm not.

And since none of my blogs lately have meant much of anything... I will allow you, the reader, to choose a topic for my following blogs. Just leave me a comment on what YOU want to hear about, and with my own personal descretion of course, I will write about it. Get creative... I'm bored

2004-12-14T11:46:00.000-08:00
Ev makes my face happy....

My legs are cold, and I cut my finger open yesterday at half price books... so typing is very painful... ah the pain.

Well, I have nothing interesting to say... so bye

2004-12-13T19:25:00.000-08:00
"I will stay with you
Until my heart is black and blue..."

The implication, of course, is that you will stand by someone else no matter what they do, no matter how much they hurt you... so if you're beating up your own heart.... what of that?

Makes you wonder....

2004-12-11T21:39:00.000-08:00
"And could everyone PLEASE STOP SAYING THE WORD DICK!!!!! It persuades my envy..."

I had some girl time today. I must admit it was much needed. Sam, Ray and I went to the mall and played dress up. Finding tacky dresses and whorish clothing to model in and giggle at because we just looked that funny. I'm going to say that I won by a long shot though, at Deb something or another with my black booty shorts, pink sparkly tank thing and a black mesh shawl. It was pretty gross, but uber fun nevertheless. I missed going to places and trying on goofy crap with friends. We also saw a movie, Blade Trinity, and the quote above is from the movie. Some female vampire played by a horrible actor screams this while locked in a room with a bunch of men talking about thier peni... (its pluralized.... shut up....) she didn't seem too envious, what with acting like a woman trying to get her way, all prettied up with a bad attitude, too much make up, and stilletto ballerina shoes. How masculine. Still though, In a way, I know how that feels, to be trapped up with tons of males, sufficating in the sickening amounts of testosterone replacing the air. Its ... irritating. Of course, I also suffered from a very severe case of penis envy in the sixth grade, but still.... When the character said that, i responded to Sam with "I've felt that way before" and a bunch of guys in the row behind us found that to be absolutely hysterical. There was much laughter.

Not that i don't love my friends. Ev, Kenny, and I were involved in a vigerous game of Risk last night, and Kenny and I began another one that was left very unfinished today. Good times.

My manager is incompetent. She was at the store today freaking out b/c I wasnt' there, and was supposedly an hour late. So she made someone call my house to come find me, when of course it was she who called my house Tuesday night to say "Work Wednesday and I'll relieve you from Saturday" Sure enough, I was right, and she was, to quote the person who called, "special". I sure do wish she would be so very loving, what with giving me trouble for not showing up on the day off she gave me.

I have to do some writing now, and try to get some sleep.

2004-12-09T21:58:00.000-08:00
Well, I hate to bitch, but I don't think I can help it.

I don't feel good today. I don't feel happy, I don't feel calm. I hardly feel... I've had a bad day

But I packed myself with caffeine and everyone else thought I was doing great. I find that its easiest for me to act happy when I'm really not. I find its easiest to be outgoing when I want to crawl into a hole. I had a very nice conversation with the man handing out free newspapers today. A guy I work with said he'd never seen me so happy and bubbly before. I LOOKED wonderful today.

I felt.... quite different. I am stressed out, worn out, Shaye-bashing, overdramatizing, complaining, and blocking myself from the world, all because I had a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. I know. But I still feel bad NOW.

The downfall to our rush rush hurry up and get it done society. I'm mad b/c things wouldn't go MY way and now I'm mad because I can't fix it on MY time. I can't do what I want to be able to do NOW. and I can't have all the attention I want NOW. I'm like a little kid.

But for now, I'm tired, the caffeine has long since worn off, and I'm all by myself. I sleep.

2004-12-04T01:08:00.000-08:00
"You're not a bitter, vengeful person. You're a joyful happy person stuck in a terrible place."

While the guy who told me his actually meant Kroger by terrible place, I am in a terrible place right now.

I can't see out of my right eye. Its all blurry, indicating to me that I am desperately in need of a good cry or a good nap.

I've been having a lot of insecure paranoid thoughts lately, irrelevent worries about things that are none of my business.... I am feeling very jealous. Not just jealous, but layers of jealousy. Irrational jealousy, insecure jealousy, bitter rage, jealous fear...

How do I explain that events beyond my control and none of my business, not to mention irrelivent to my situation, still hurt. How do I explain how angry I feel, even though I'm not angry at anybody in particular. How do I explain that I'm afraid of nothing, but scared out of my mind nevertheless?

My real problem is selfishness. Thats the basis of my jealousy. I want things that are just too much of me to ask for. Impossible to have, but I secretly demand them.

So, I guess the question is how do I explain that i'm really just insecure without hammering bulletholes into my ego???

I feel better though, better than I did earlier today. Better than I did when I walked in the door. The word Halo doesn't piss me off right now. Not that I know why it did to begin with... Being touched doesn't make me want to kill right now, not that it should anyway. I feel much more calm. And very freaking tired. I've worn myself out emotinally wondering how to explain a bunch of silliness which makes no sense.

Adieu

2004-11-29T16:58:00.000-08:00
After a thorough investigation of Ghost World... okay maybe not a thorough investigation... but I did watch the movie... I'm a little lost as to wether or not I truly enjoyed the film. I would suggest to anyone considering watching int to do so, but I would also suggest that you watch it fully, or you'll never watch it at all...

Since all the characters are really.... really .... hmmm, how to put this.... stupid and mean... it made me dislike the movie, you know, hating every character I met, but at the same time, it was a very realistic movie, and all the people were very real, and there were some memorable one liners

I still haven't decided if I loved it to death or never want to see it again. I left the movie feeling very confused... and a little bit ... pathetic...

Sorry I couldn't be more thorough Brent.

Though I'm frustrated about my feelings toward the movie, I think I will defanantly watch it again.

2004-11-25T23:38:00.000-08:00
Ah T-day... I pity the fool?

Very different from most of my previous holidays... I worked all freaking day.... But I saw Eric twice, which made my efforts worth the while. I ate at T.G.I.Fridays with ev-mom and Tyler. I wore a skirt. I mismatched my Mary-Janes... I've concluded that I will never match my shoes again...

I went to garden ridge and looked for crap I don't need. I left with naut more than a black feather boa. Though the martini glass pillow WAS tempting.

I bought some movies from Blockbuster.

Crybaby and Ghost World to be exact. Crybaby is glorious and amazing. I {heart} Johnny Depp in twenty year old musicals. I've heard grand things about Ghost World.

I watched a weird movie about Dog Show attendants with no personalities.

I miss Ev :*( But his triumphant return is a mere 17 hours away :*)

I am tired and still have to work tomorrow. But Saturday its on. I'm sleeping like I've ne'er slept before... until NOW!!!!!! and all those days I slept till two.... *blushing?*

And thus I depart you. Until we meet again
*bowing ever so politely*

Adieu.

2004-11-19T22:40:00.000-08:00
so here it is Friday, and I think I'm getting progressively worse. Between work and being sick, I'm just worn out. I gots no energy left in me. So I'm going to take some Niquil and sleep it off.

Slowly......

Nodding.....

Off.....
jfhtmfjkdhnfk;aoi,mcv;lkjnal,mndl;kjngx
G'night

2004-11-17T18:54:00.000-08:00
I have nothing of interest to say at this particular moment in time.

I am, however, quite sick. I don't know what I have, but if all else fails and I have strep or something, I'll just have to take my moms advice and take a trip to the pet store.

Thats right, the pet store.

I have loud friends, playing the infamous Halo 2 behind me, and screaming ... loudly... hence the reason they are loud.

I thoroughly enjoy word lest. I just thought you should know.

And now, I stop wasting your precious time with my mindless babbling.

2004-11-15T21:09:00.000-08:00
*sad face*

I am BLEEDING!!!!!

I really need to stop chewing on my stupid fingers... lest I chew the darned things directly off my hands...

But nevertheless, I am

BBBBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG

2004-11-11T21:23:00.000-08:00
In my selfishness, I failed to congratulate the brand spanking new Lee family on becoming the brand spanking new Lee family. It was a beautiful wedding filled with beautiful people.

Its gloriously freezing outside right now!!!!

I have to work at 8:30 in the morning*growls ferociously*

The character of me in the new comic is HOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!! And by hot, I mean, of course, breathtakingly gorgeous. Thanks Kenny, for the birth of Plague and Pestilence, and thanks Eric for not making me hideous.

I sleep now.

2004-11-06T21:33:00.000-08:00
"I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe..."

So, thats a bit dramatic. For once, I'm breathing just fine. Unfortunately, earlier tonight I wasn't exactly feeling so glorious. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not hurt, or neglected. I'm just bitchy.... and a little bit lonely. You see, I've spent every night for the last three months sitting in a room thats not my own talking to people that don't exist. Thats right, the guys are at another sleepover. And you know, I'm okay with that. I'm not trying to guilt you guys, i'm not mad or anything. But I'll admit, I am a little lonely.

I'd still like to be a part of my friends lives beyond the friday thing, but I can't. I don't have girl friends, and I can't sleepover with my guy friends. i have all these nonexistant memories of fun times we had, and all my d & d characters have long sinced rotted away to dust, vastly legendless. I want to have these things you guys have. I want to have fun, and friends, and times to laugh about, and jokes that noone else will get b/c they just werent there. I"m lonely. "But you live with your boyfriend, whose house gets visitors all the time. Why are you lonely instead of jubilant and merry?" Thats just it... People don't come here. Not to visit me anyway. They come to see Everett, and they hang around with me until he gets home as a back up plan. Don't deny it, please don't lie to me. I know it. I know you call and visit prefering to see Ev and settling for me. And I never see him. I freaking live in the same house, share the same room for Gods sake, and I see him less now than I did when I lived in Lewisville and we had to make time for eachother. Perhaps thats just it. He's right there, so why make the time. I have all the time in the world. I appear to be wrong.

I know this had a purpose... What WAS I trying to say?

Ah yes. Its not your fault. Its nobodies fault that I can't make a life for myself. Its not your fault that I don't get along with girls. Its not your fault that I am a girl myself. Nobodies to blame for the fact that I can't just drive to a friends house or something... save perhaps my own fault. I could learn to tolerate the race that is female if I really wanted to. I'd be willing to try, but girls abandon me. I was supposed to go on a sleepover Friday night, but for reasons unknown to myself, the girls never showed up, so when everyone was making their plans for the rest of the night, yes I felt worse. I had somewhere to be, but I got left in the dust of something more important, and while everyone else was having fun, I was sewing. (Bad when I'm angry. I tend to have a higher accident ratio) While you all laughed about your games and visited your friends, I listened to the birds yell at me all night... Even now, I'm getting all moody and upset when I have no right to. Fuck. I fail again...

I'm not angry at you for having a life. Noones to blame for any of it, and noone can fix it really. I made the choice. I chose to stay here and I chose not to have girl friends and I chose to feel the way I feel. I made the decision on everything. I could have chosen differently, and if I really couldn't handle this, whatever it is I"m handling, I wouldn't be dealing with it. I know that. You've earned your right to have fun. You're all doing something with yourself, and here I sit accomplishing nothing, taking over someone elses house, bitching on someone elses computer, dependant on someone elses parents, and still thinking I have the right to be picky. Its just a short time of my life. I'll be okay. I"m not neglected. I'm treated wonderfully. My problem lies in that I can't seem to make myself feel happy for you when you walk out the door knowing you're living your life, earning the right to live your life, and I'm wasting whatever it is I have here. I'm the selfish neglectful one here. I'm the one that can't just be happy for you and the life you earned and made for yourself. And its obvious to me that If I feel this way, its not you who screwed up. It was me. I'm the selfish, jealous, negligent girlfriend.

Dammit... this still isn't working.

Its ... not your fault. We can talk about whatever flies into my imagination till Judgement Day and it still won't be your fault. If I could learn to be even the slightest bit selfless, you wouldn't feel guilty right now. And I'm such a failure of a person that sometimes I'd be willing to bet that I cause such rediculus scenes to make you feel that way, so you'll stay or something... I don't know why I do it, but I'm betting I do. Jealousy, thats all I can add it up to. I get so jealous to such a rediculous degree that I'll end up destroying us if I don't control it. I get so jealous because you just go and have a great time and I wish I could do the same and jealous because I hope you miss me just the same and I'll be damned if I haven't explained to some of the guys a thoousand times how bad of a problem I have with jealousy and if they could just not even illude to those stories they like to make up... and here I go blaming my problems on someone else.

I guess I can only pray... Don't know what for. I never do. I just start rambling and hope that God can sift through all those fancy words I use to say nothing and actually find something in them. Find meaning in my empty words... Then again, he's worked far greater miracles...

This all came out so wrong, so angry, and I didn't want it to. Forgive me if you can.

2004-11-04T16:59:00.000-08:00
I found this in the journal of my extremely witty (yet no so good at CALLING ME BACK) friend Elliot. I think it makes a good argument.

12 Reasons Homosexuality will Ruin Society

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

2004-11-03T11:06:00.000-08:00
I do believe that i am coming down with something. I feel kind of yuckie... Probably a walking viruz right now. All the kids at church have colds and flus and thier parent's won't keep them home. and while, yes, I heart your children, I do not heart thier strains of disease... Meh, I'll go pick up some kind of medicated goo to shove into my body in hopes that it fixes the problem.

Forgive me, I'm still a bit delerious... and I don't want to go to Kroger today. I want to sleep all day long.

I got home from works (yes, works) last night and just konked out at like 11 and couldn't get up again. I couldn't walk or think and my motor skills had long since gone on vacation. I still feel that way. I wish to recover my sleep loss. But alas, no such freedom. So I gotsta work till six tonight. I feel like I only just got home now. I did not.

I have nothing to say worth saying right now.

Adieu

2004-11-02T09:03:00.000-08:00
I've learned a whole lot about the people from my past through all this xanga searching.

Everything is different.

Who ever knew...

...that my best friend would come to think that she is ghetto
...that Minders is still sad...that the pastor who introduced me to Christ would get burnt out on being a youth pastor
...that the boy who helped lead me to Christ was in so much pain. The boy who inadvertantly taught me and unknowingly lead me was all the while so lost, and needed more direction than I did. Who knew the boy who helped me to live would want so badly to die.
...that the first girl I ever met who shone so bright with Gods love would also shine so bright with love for the best friend of the boy who helped lead me to Christ.
...that I would ever see anything from the boy on my old bus who used to wear womens clothing again.
...that the boy who helped me pass Math in tenth grade would quit school, that his smile would become a frown, and his intellegence would succomb to drugs.
...that nothing has changed about some people
... that,really, nothing has changed at all, except the fact that I'm not there to realize everything that was ever true. Everything that has never really changed anyway.

Sometimes, its sad to look at the past.