Monday, August 30, 2004

"Cause I am hanging on every word you say and even if you don't want to sleep tonight thats alright
alright with me...
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door
and listen to you breathing
that's where I want to be..."

Sometimes, when I have trouble sleeping, I'll inch my way to the foot of the stairway and sit there for hours listening to you sleep. Tonight, I couldn't sleep. Its mind numbingly quiet, and its hard to hear you sometimes just barely breathing above the fan and the air conditioner, but nevertheless, I know its you. It helps me to relax. So I sat there on the stairs this morning listening to you breathe until I fell asleep. I could listen for hours more if I had that much morning. I just thought you should know that I love you.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

I am wasting my life.... Presenting to you a complete list of the first line of every journal in this thing.

So, yeah... I'm not sure why i chose to start a blog.
Success is mine.
Contrary to popular belief, i am not dying
It looks like mono, it feels like tonsilitis, and it sounds like strep, but it is in fact a "bacterial infection" in my tonsils
i don't understand
I think this is as close as i'm going to get to making this thing a little more interesting.
i found the whole song.
I love discussions that amount to something.
Everett, in one way or a hundred, this particular stanza makes me think of you.
Sometimes it seems to me like my whole high school existance is being smashed up, stuck in an envelope and shipped off.
all i remember is you're supposed to cross out the ones that don't apply, bold the four that most apply, and put the other months in afterward....
You have problems
Something that makes me mad is spoiled rich kids.
The simple joy that is midterms, and in some cases, finals.
The word of the hour is drained.
Yesterday afternoon i went with a large group of people to a girl at churches birthday party.
i can't get this think out of right alignment...
My situations just keep getting better and better.
I promise, I"m not avoiding the world of Blog...I’m sure this has nothing to do with my ability to make decisions, but nonetheless, that’s what I think of
Todays oh so thought provoking lunch time conversation: bathroom humor.
This stuff is addictive...
Initially, I had planned on writing out a list of things that i am going to miss, and things i'll be glad to leave behind.
Ever find that some days its harder to let go than others.
I should be doing something constructive with my time, but alas, I can't bring myself to do it.
I'm sure if i really wanted to that i could post something deep and meaningful, some wonderous quote that opens the eyes of those all around the world.
Yesterday i got home from my ever so anticipated JCL state competition trip.
So, Tyler is trying to torment me.
A rather unpleasent problem i seem to have is belief.
Whats new in the life of me today?
What’s on my mii\nd for the day?
Bridges or of crossing them- Gephyrophobia
Yesterdays journal joyness...
Today, I attended a talent show.
So, about Prom.
This quote has nothing to do with anything I initially wanted to talk about.
I very recently became edgy and incapable of sitting still.
Would you believe me if I said I really don't have anothing to complain about at the moment?
I do seem like an angry vengelful depressed person, an it does seem like i'm never happy anymore.
It only seemed fair of me to inform you that i'm not dead, even though most of you already know that.
I may have quite possibly just recieved the single most random and sweetest e mail of my life.
I just can't get enough blog it seems...
There is something painfully and irreperably wrong with my subconcious...
My first impulse was to be insulted.
In the midst of my psychosis, i forgot to mention that i'm now 18.
I am unbelievably bored.
The end of the year closes in on me faster than I want it to.
thats a good song.
My innards feel bad.
Senoir speeches may be finished, but i'm not
Thank you Bright Eyes....
Ahem.....
So, its the first day in weeks that i've had absolutely nothing to do whatsoever.
Today truly was a prime example of a lazy day.
Yesterday wasn't exactly what i'd call a great day.
Does this seem like crap to anyone else, or is it just me?
There are some days when its just harder to let go.
Okay, so that was a COMPLETE lie.
The formality of this funeral is disturbing.
Sometimes I'm pretty sure I should just get up off the floor and go on with life as if all the things that happen to me never really existed.
I've hardly figured it all out yet and its already started again...
I don't understand...
Yes, as has been the case all week, I'm going to complain.
And once again, I feel like crap...
Its amazing the things you find online.
Fear not, simply more religous frustration on my part.
What could be better than waking up to a song written about Saskatchewan?
I watched the crow last night with Chad and Lara, and I have concluded that if I had nothing but a lifetime of beautiful memories of faces I could never touch again and a mind full of the images of seeing them die in ways nobody should ever be put through... screw avenging.
Today, for the first time ever, I attended the college bible study, and I must say, I was a little overwhelmed.
For you crazy younguns, AFI stands for American Film Institute.
I can't remember where I heard that phrase from...
I haven't had a song lyric on here in some time, have I?
To make it even more obvious about how i feel, this song is about 7 minutes long because at the end it plays the music rewinding itself.
Yesterday Chad and I ventured off to Walgreens to find him a new toothbrush and razor.
I posted three times last Sunday...
I didn't get to see Everett yesterday.
You ever wake up in pain but still get that feeling that it'll be a good day?
While sitting on a hill by the road wathcing things blow up with my mom, siblings, a great friend and a wonderful guy is fun, it can't quite compare to the shows I went to when I was little.
Tonight, I am confused, angry, guilty, irritated, ashamed, relieved, flattered...
Now, I must admit.
Today, I learned a very valuable lesson about where I leave my sewing needle when I'm moving around my room
I can't sleep.
I'm doing a little better than I was last night.
Today went far better than some of my other days recently.
Well, I must admit, I thought I was going to die these past couple of days, but now, I'm feeling great.
My deepest apologies for not updating recently.
The insanity of Music Camp has come screeching to a halt, and I slept in till noon, abruptly awakened by the ear splitting, pain causing sound of.... a ringing phone.
Why are they all mad at me?
Wes is back.
I have recently been introduced to an amazingly beautiful song.
So, now that you have seen amazing music (???) my time has come to scare you off with my ranting...
Well, I assumed I would be dealing with incompetent movers today, like every move, but the packers changed the day to next Thursday.
Well, with no real job or activity to be a part of, no silence to allow me to truly sleep in, and no reason to stay up past midnight, I woke up this morning at the crack of 9:45 o' clock, and the day couldn't be passing by any more slowly.
My patience is wearing thin.
Today, I did the one thing I never thought I'd do, but always said I would.
Gah..... took so long to sign in....
Why does blog refuse to let me on so often?
I am finding this whole job search thing to be rather tedious...
Whooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theres nothing like waking up in the morning to a crazy thunderstorm.
I, as you all know, am a guilty person.
I am going to be a busy little munchkin bubbums for the next couple of days at least.
I think my journal counter is off dramatically.
If there is only one thing in life I will ever need to know...

If there is only one thing in life I will ever need to know...


My goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is Ass Machine Lobos.
What's" yours?
Powered by Rum and Monkey.



Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I think my journal counter is off dramatically. Its been at 103 for days... Anyway...

One of my best friends from PA has been sending me e mail after e mail about being depressed and lonely and missing me a whole bunch. I wish I could do something to make him feel better, but it seems distance makes such things difficult. I really have to go visit him some day...

The story is still giving me trouble. I'm so out of practice. I used to be able to write some really neat stuff, you know, the kind that makes your spine all tingly, but lately all I've got is words scrambled together on paper trying to prove some point, but failing miserably to say the least.

My old age is catching up to me. My spine is all in pain and I ate way too many grapes today. I ate tons of grapes at work, and then I get home and what do I find but more grapes. I'm going to become a grape. I've actually had a pretty random craving all day for grapes and cherry Coke. And I'm going to wake up in the morning all messed up.

Speaking of in the morning, I have to work in the A.M. and I should get some rest. I'm scheduled for nursery and toddler all morning... But the atvangate lies in that my paycheck in two weeks is going to be better than I've seen in a long time. I'll have almost three hours today, almost four tomorrow, and nearly four more on Sunday, plus there should be one more Tuesday and potentially another Wednesday. So whats so impressive about 16 hours worth of work in two weeks. Well, normally I get about 7, so this is a welcome change. Alas, no more lazy days... which I'm okay with because I waste my time anyway and I'm kind of stuck in the house all day because everyones at school and I have no transportation of my own, and no, I'm not asking Evs dad to drive me nowhere for no reason at all. I also can't wait for the weather to cool down because when it does, I'm going to atleast start taking longer walks for excersize. I hear walkings actually healthier, and its a bad idea to run around in Texas in summer because of the potential for heat stroke mixed with the pollution levels when the weather is hot.

And with that, I have to get up way too early tomorrow, so until then, I bid you adieu.

I am going to be a busy little munchkin bubbums for the next couple of days at least. My schedule is all full of things I ought to do... Some of which I really don't want to do, but will anyway. I have an interview at Kroger at 3:30 today, and if I'm really really lucky I'll go to the right Kroger and actually find this ladys office. Then I have a spot again tonight for TEAM, and let me tell you, I am excited beyond reasonable compare. I've missed TEAM since they said they couldn't use me anymore. But now, oh gloriousness of times. I also have a spot on MOPS tomorrow morning which means I have to sleep tonight, AND I'm working on a short story right now about a girl who becomes convinced that her every movement will bring about the end of the universe as we know it. When I finally make the story decent, I"m going to give it a shot and submit it to some on-line magazines and hope they don't hate it and forever toss me into the reject pile of the writing world... because ... I would be sad... Now, the question becomes how to make an interesting story about a girl who never moves or speaks throughout the majority of the tale... That means, *scary music* I have to get into the characters head!!!!!

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, ITS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!!!!!

Alas, I haven't written anything truly impressive in a long, long time, and It's going to take me some time to get back into the gist of things now. I'm great with imagery, but again, descriptive settings from the eyes of a person who never moves. She doesn't speak, so the only dialect involved is either what others tell her or what she says in her head. But nevertheless, I think I can do it. The atvantage I have in a story about someone who never moves lies in that I also really enjoy personification, so I find ways to make infinite amounts of nothing come alive.

I'll write some nice little sentences down for you later. For now, I go to run errands with Tyler.

*Bows*


IN THE FUTURE

Well, here I am, just returned from my interview. I'd say that besides the fact that I threw up on her shoes, misspelled my name multiple times, and confessed my secret identity as a mobster named Bubba, I did okay....

Okay so none of that really happened, but for the next few months, I'll be making minimum wage in a grocery store that I've shopped at a grand total of twice... Oh yeah. Am I cool or what?

I didn't find any really cool personification in my story yet; none worth noting here, but I will let you in on my personal favorite line thus far. Some lady, I haven't decided whom yet, tells the main character in the story in a flashback to that one fateful day....

"You won't begin a rapture, no, you are no Christ, but still you reek of Armageddon."

Is that just one of those things you never want to hear or what? Okay, its nothing great, but so far, its the best I can do. I'm not going anywhere for two more hours, so I must find ways to entertain myself until that glorious glorious moment when I am reunited with TEAM kids.

*skips madly away from the sunset...*

Monday, August 23, 2004

I, as you all know, am a guilty person. Every little thing makes me feel bad, and today, I am going to share a brief list of those little things with you.

I feel guilty...

...when I have dreams where the people I know are nothing like who they really are.
...when I get people into all sorts of trouble.
...that I find it necessary to put myself into other peoples business when I plainly don't belong there.
...when I just don't get what I'm trying to be taught.
...about feeling bitterly resentful toward people I shouldn't.
...that I'm not as nice or as tolerant as I used to be.
...when I don't get something done that somebody asks me to.
...when I have to ask people for rides.
...when I do things I know i'm not supposed to do.
...when I don't get caught.
...when I leave comments on the on-line journals of people I don't know.
...when I look at pictures of myself and refuse to see that i'm not as bad as I like to say I am.
...that I've given up on so many of my dreams.
...that while some people are stressing out beyond compare, I have nothing to complain about because I don't do anything all day.
...that I took over Evs room.
...that I forget peoples names but remember thier birthdays.
...that I didn't say anything to Ryan or Andrew on thier birthdays.
...that I put my sister in a position to be the big sister.
...that I put my parents in the position to be parents.
...that I still can't fend for myself, at 18 years old.
...that I"m not as forgiving as I once was.
...about every senseless, stupid argument I've ever been in.
...about what I could have been had I not moved from both Florida and Pennsylvania.
...that I'll never really know anyway.
...that I didn't stand up for that guy who was getting talked down to on the first day I came to Marcus.
...that I'm a whole lot of talk, but I never do anything about it.
...that sometimes I'm not as strong in my morals or faith as I let people think, or as I'd like to be.
...that I really do get moody b/c i'm not the focus of people attention sometimes.
...that I don't cry when I want to.
...that, more than half the time, I can't.
...that I ramble on about silly little things forever.
...when I get angry about stupid things, stuff thats none of my business, or just to be angry.
...when I act like i'm the only person in the world who struggles.
...that sometimes, for that split second before I slap the idea out of my head, I'll start to think that I'm better than other people.
...when I irritate people.
...over things that are not my fault anyway.
...that I haven't kept in touch like I wanted to.
...that there are things I never told some people, even though I wanted to.

I've just realized that this could very well go on forever. So I'm going to stop before people start throwing bricks through my window.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Theres nothing like waking up in the morning to a crazy thunderstorm. You have to understand, here in the Flowerplex, there is no such thing as a real thunderstorm. Its more of a totally silent downpour kind of pattern. Not this morning. I was awakened by the sound of the rain tapping on the window, just begging me to go play in it, and the clouds roaring away, demanding the same. Mmm, nothing better. I love thunderstorms. We used to have some really impressive ones back in Florida. You'd hear thunder that would bring you to your knees, and lightning that would touch ground so close to you that you just know it was trying to get your heart going. Texas has impressive lightning, and nice rain storms (when they come about) but nothing in the way of thunder. This morning though was glorious in all its loudness. Thunder is a lot louder when you sleep on a second story by a window. Yep yep. I love storms.

Did the application thing today, trying to get my lazy butt crammed into the workforce somewhere, searching for my place. Prospective spaces in which to be forced.... well, the places I applied anyway included Lewisville Volkswagon, Hallmark, and a newly opening place called Kid 2 Kid. I'm under the impression I'm not meant for LVW because everytime I call, and the one time I visit, I can't get ahold of the guy in charge of hiring, which is whom I really need to talk to. Plus its just a scary place. Lots of questions about qualifications I don't have, not to mention I don't drive, and oh yeah, I don't really like cars. Hallmark seems okay, though the hours will suck with no chance for better...fication... in sight, though the people are nice. And lastly (really I should say first off b/c I applied there first) Kid 2 Kid. Of the three, this is the place I am hoping calls me back. I'd get to sit in a room filled with kids stuff all day and watch it get played with and make littluns all gleefull with new purchases, and I really like the lady who owns the store. Its only part time, but thats the place I would most prefer to work.

I'm itching to start school. I think, when the weather starts to inch toward decency, I'm going to start jogging, or at least walking at some rate that will remind my heart that its still alive. I need the excersize, but I HATE running with such a vengence... Such is life. And now, I"m going to look into getting something I've written at some point published, or if not published, then thrust into the public eye. I promised my creative writing teacher I'd at least try.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looks like a girlfriend
that I had in February of last year..."


Whooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! reached 100 posts. its been six months, and alas the day has come. Too bad i'm going to waste this post on senseless crap.... Guess I should celebrate my hundredth rambling or something... So as StrongBad might do, I guess I'll go sit by the stick with a cooler of drinks and some food, talking to the Cheat and yelling at passerbys... and now my life has little meaning.

I'm going on the great job hunt tomorrow.... Gotta put on nice girly clothes and match my shoes and brush my stupid hair and pretend I know numbers for references and such. And maybe if i'm lucky, someone will take vast amounts of pity on me and give me a job... *crosses fingers*

I wonder why crossing fingers is supposed to be both a sign of luck and betrayal... Kinda makes you wonder.

Today I learned that Data Entry is.... really freaking boring. But if this is all ther is to it, I'll do it. I know it gets more complicated than this, but for now, i'm good.

Bad Religion is a good band, and I really enjoy thier song, Sorrow.

Evness thinks he is getting sick :( <---- Look, that makes me sad... I hope he gets to feeling better b/c he doesn't get sick too often, but when he does, you know it. Last time he got sick, I thought he was all dying on us and such. The lady in the main office at school (where I called him from) was teasing me for being such a "caring person looking out for him" I suppose I'm just a mom.... WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll fool them all yet.

I sound delerious. I should go to sleep. I'm not talking about anything sensible anymore.

I don't know who's getting the mail at my old house, but its not me.

This has gone way downhill. I go now.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

"And then I asked had you ever felt abandoned
felt so lost that you were stranded
just like all the walls were closing in and you were locked inside
Have you ever felt like your days were numbered
stuck under a tree in thunder
there seems to be no way out
but there is one when in doubt..."

I am finding this whole job search thing to be rather tedious... I'm feeling quite compelled to be a bum more so now than ever. So, Sunday, a small bunch of people were talking about college and being in college and plans to soon get into college. It shouldn't have, but the whole conversation made me feel very hopeless.

"So, whats your plan for college?"

Well, its... uh... oh right, I don't have one. Its frustrating. This is defenantly not how I pictured it all working out. And I have this heavy, painful sinking feeling that if I don't figure something out, I'm going to end up running back to the very place I'm trying to get away from. I knew my best shot all college was to go, but at the same time my best shot at not going completely crazy and gouging out my own eyes with a plastic spork was to stay here. And considering I like my eyes...

What would I want to be if I could be anything?

Thats the question that people always ask me when it comes to the future. If there was nothing holding me back, what would I absolutely love to do with my life. Even if all the setbacks meant absolutely nothing, which they always do... I ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... don't even know anymore... I used to. It changes all the time. When I was really little, maybe 6 I wanted to be a marine biologist and an olympic figure skater. Then a little later in life I decided to be a singer. Then a dancer, then an actress... Then a singer/songwriter/musician. I stuck with that for a long time. Then I decided that I had to be a writer. So I sat down and started working on the great American novel. It didn't go far. It was a story about trying to write the great American novel and failing miserably so then trying to find a way to absorb all the writing ability in the universe and get the job done. Yeah... After I figured out that I suck at science, I can't ice skate, I am far from musically gifted, and my so called great American novel was going nowhere, I decided I'd be a forensic scientist, but again with the not being so great at something, math in particular. I thought, hmmm, maybe psychology.Christian counseling, but well... need I say much about why I"d be terrible in that feild? Or Criminal or adolescent psychology. Helping really messed up people. Maybe once I could have done that. I've lost my patience with people over the years... which I'm sad about b/c that used to be what made me who I am, that I always found a way to help everybody. Nothing was too big or too small for me. Then I became crazy. I also wanted to work in a library once, putting books on shelves and helping people find them. I think thats the closest I come anymore to a reasonable possibility. I don't know what I want to do. I don't even know what I'm good at anymore. When people ask, I can't answer, because I honestly don't know anymore. Some people know from the very start what they will be doing forever. I was never so lucky. You couldn't look at me when I was younger and say "Oh she will defanantly be a (fill in blank). You can't look at me now and even guess. Yes I know, most people never know what they want to do, but at some point they figure out what they are going to do. I'm stuck in this rut and I'm not getting out. In fact, I'm getting sucked further and further in. Now if someone would give me a job as a professional complainer, I'd be set. I guess I could be a critic... or a politician... And then I would have to drop bricks on myself...

There is a plan for my life, I"m sure of it. I doubt God has me wandering around accomplishing nothing just for kicks, so whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing, job wise, school wise, and just in life in general, I wish He'd show me more clearly because I don't see it.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Why does blog refuse to let me on so often?

So, I'm closing in on 100 posts... Party time.

Today.... I sort of drove. Yeah I know. Run for your lives. I spent the early after noon doing 7mph in a church parking lot. I'm really a rebel though, wanna know why? B/c I think that once I might have actually been doing 15. I'm a riskey one... To say the least all went well, well, except for that one guy I hit... But I won't get into that ;)

I had to go shopping for girly interview clothing... I'm not much for girly interview clothing. I'm also cheap, so I was having a heart attack at prices everyone else found to be reasonable.

Now that I think of it, I had a really uneventful day.

But I drove.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

"Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken..."


Gah..... took so long to sign in....

Yes, I have used this quote once before in a previous online journal somewhat like blog, only more obnoxious... Except this time I mean it in a more sarcastic tone, as opposed to its not so sarcastic nature. In fact, its pretty sad nature, thank you Amy Lee... But easily my favorite Evanescence song of all time. So, what could possibly lead one to think I was broken? Well, for starters, my subconcious... I've been having the strangest dreams lately, night after night of confuzzlement, fear, sadness, and feelings of such nature. But considering that I have three in mind, and a snippet of a fourth... I won't get into all that. Tonight I'd like to talk about my strange and plainly abnormal fetishes. Things I find to be adorable or just plain a turn on.

I will begin with the ones you all know and love (or possibly fear.)

First, twins. I love twins. Well, whats so strange about this little number? Most people who love twins love both twins. I on the other hand find only one twin to be attractive, and its even better that he is a twin... Theres no cheating, caniving, back stabbing crap that way, and I don't much care for cheating, caniving, back stabbing crap.

To continue my list.... albinism. Theres just something down right sexy about someone with no skin pigment whatsoever... How do I feel about the pink eyes? I love it!!!! African American albinos (which people for some reason think either don't exist or look really really strange) even better.

And going on... as little muscle tone as possible and still be able to stand on thier own. I hate big muscles. I think body builders are the sickest creations ever... Harsh, but true. I like 'em skinny...

Now for something a little typical... I am in love with accents, but certain ones. Namely those of celtic nature aka scottish or irish. You know the Lord of the Rings? Yep, my favorite was Pippin.

Obviously, alcoholics and druggies are a huge turn off, and in fact instill in me a rage so tremendous I sometimes find it hard to control my actions aka repressed homocidal tendencies. I hate that stuff, i hate it with a passion, so I find people that stay away from that kind of stuff to be really, really great.

Another typical one... I love artists. aka, artists (umm, yeah) musicians, singers. i have a real weak spot for the liberal arts...

Fishnet... need I say more?

Now heres where it gets a little strange... Speech impediments. Yeah, you're thinking "I don't believe her." Well, believe me. My personal favorite is the stutter, but all speech impediments I find to be adorable. The worse the condition, the more adorable I find it to be. So while the rest of you are laughing your heads off at that kid who stutters so badly that you can't understand him, I'm not only getting every word, but I'd also be deeply mesmorized if I didn't love Ev the way I do.

And now, my most recent discovery. If you thought the rest were odd, you won't know what to do with this one... *drum roll* I have discovered that I find retainers to be both stunningly adorable, and a little bit of a turn on....

I don't know where this came from, and I can't understand it. I'm ... just .... weird... and you know what? I don't care!! Wheeeeeee, I'm the most messed up person on the planet, but I figure, what does it matter? I"m loving it. Though I am curious to understand this newfound ... thing... of mine.

And now that you're completely confused, and just a bit sickened. I bid you adieu.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Today, I did the one thing I never thought I'd do, but always said I would. I don't live with my family any more... It was easily the hardest thing I have ever done.

I've never seen my sister cry the way she did, just cry all over my shoulder as I put my stuff in the car and prepared to leave her alone... ditto with my mom and sister. I left them all alone. In a way, now I'm alone. Yes, I'm with people whom I love and who love me, but its not quite the same as family. Its still as close as I'll ever get. It still hasen't sunken in yet that this isn't a sleep over and tomorrow morning I'm not going back. That I might not go back for a long time. It still hasn't sunken in yet that this is now the closest thing to home I'll ever know. It may never.

I'd forgotten how quite it is here.

I was out of my mind yesterday. I cried too much. Once while sitting with my sister, once after a fight with my dad, once before Everett called me, multiple times while he was there (yet, I fought that one off as much as I could) and when he left, they asked me if i'd be okay. I said I'd be fine. Apparently I wasnt because I didn't even get the front door closed before I was on my knees crying harder than I've cried in a long time. And once more later that night. I'm still a wreck. I'm just too numb to do anything about it.

Why this is so difficult, I don't know... I always said I'd leave if I got the chance, I'd make something far better for myself. Well, heres my chance. Why can't I decide if I chose right? On one hand I've got my life, my future, my sanity. On the other, my family. Wether it is my responsibility to take care of them has little significance. Likewise with myself. I prayed and prayed, and the closest thing I got to an answer was proof that things aren't changing at all.

Edna told me one night that the greatest thing I could do was show my siblings that there is hope and the possibility for freedom and something different. I think I knew even before that what I would have to do, but nobody ever said that was is necessary is by any means easy. Its the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not mad. I'm not bitter about whats happened. I don't think God is spiting me. If anything, God gave me a way out. I'm just still hurting. I'm still crying inside, I know it. That doesn't mean I will shed a tear. Not tonight anyway.

I think right now I miss Celena most.

I've put Everett through hell the last few days. I've rearranged his whole life, and he's been worrying about me. He's already got enough going on to have to worry about my stuff, and I wish I could give him the comfort of knowing that I'll be okay and that I"m trying really hard to believe him when he tells me things will be fine. He's really helped me pull through the last few.... yeah... and I wish I could do the same, but I won't push him. Its not my place and if he wants to talk to me he will. I'm alright with that. I'm sorry I worried him today, and probably made him mad. I was about six hours behind when I should have been here and I honestly meant to call but everytime I sat down, I had to get back up again. I was actually in the process of getting the phone when he called. But whats done is done. I'm sorry that I've had to rearrange his life when I don't feel I have the right to do so. I just hope he doesn't get sick of seeing me around all the time.

And now, I should really go to sleep, because I have no energy left to so much as think about what I feel like saying.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

My patience is wearing thin. It has been for some time now. Supposedly, its stress or something, but still, I don't think its much of an excuse. I get irritated around my family, when my friends come over, when people start talking about thier problems. I just don't have any patience. I have found myself wanting to rip out the lungs of my smoking friends on multiple occasions, and break the limbs of my friends who think its "cool" to do drugs. I feel like telling all those kids who talk about how punk they are that they don't know punk, and we, simply due to when we are born, will probably never know what punk is, and what true punks were trying to do. I want to laugh at all those people who call themselves "goth" ... considering you can't BE goth. Its not a subculture or a fashion statement, its a form of art and anyone who says otherwise... doesn't know what they are talking about. I suppose you can be inspired by gothic art or literature or, I don't know... archetecture, but theres no such thing as a goth. Not to mention the sex thing,.,.,., and the virgin jokes... *sigh* I feel like being brutally honest about my feelings on peoples problems. If its a problem, DON'T DO IT!!!!! I can't make it any simpler for you... but I know this is wrong.

And don't even get me started on all the things that the world is telling kids are alright...

Well, I'd love to chatter and complain till you murder me in my sleep..... *smiles* but I've got ... things... to ... do... yeah.... to do....